Hi everyone!  I've decided to try and write a second 
story after all.  I got some good feedback on my other story 
and I wanted to try again and see how it goes.
	
	Like before my story will deal with Serena's 
feelings but this story takes place long before Sailor 
Stars.  Someone suggested to me that I write a second story 
called  "Thoughts of the Moon 2"  and I considered titling 
this that.  But, like I said, this story takes place BEFORE 
Sailor Stars so I think I'll name it something else.  Sorry 
Angelika.

	And in this story I've changed Serena's attitude 
quite a bit.  she's not half as whiny or a clutz in this 
story as she is in the show.
	
	Anyway, this story will take place in the first 
Sailor Moon season, before Serena finds out anything about 
who she really is.  It is VERY depressing and has a lot of 
sorrow in it.  And it is VERY deep.  So if you don't like 
things like that then DO NOT read ahead.

	Also, a warning for readers.  'ALL' of my stories 
are going to be very much like my first one and deal with 
someone's feelings or another.  I'm just not very good at 
doing action stories.  Sorry.  But if anybody has any 
ideas for me on how to start writing an action story I'd 
be thankful.
	
	As I said before, Sailor Moon does not belong to 
me.  It belongs to all those wonderful people who created 
it such as Dic, and Kodansha Ltd, and anyone else who did.  
The characters also do not belong to me.	
	
	My apologies to Sue Mei, because this story will be 
very much like one of hers.  Please take note that I got the 
idea to write this way from her.  
	
	To any and all writers of Sailor Moon on the 
internet: Keep it up!
	
	I think that about covers all the necassary info.
	
	On with the show!

		   
	      Love and Pain: The Hardships of Life
			   By: Jade

	
	I'm standing here, watching one of my very dearest 
friends cry her eyes out for one of my worst enemies.  Or 
so I thought he was.  Tears fall from my eyes in unbroken 
streams as she raves insanely to the sky, screaming  "No!"  
over, and over again.  
	
	I can feel my chest tighten and my throat constrict 
painfully as she sits there, on her knees, crying her soul 
to the wind with only myself, Mercury, and Mars present.
	
	How could I have allowed this to happen.  I'm 
Sailor Moon!  I'm supposed to save people from pain like 
this, not cause it.  And I did cause it.  No matter how much 
the facts may say different, or how much my friends may say 
it isn't true, I know it is.  I know I am as responsible for 
that mans death as Zoisite was.  I was responsible for an 
innocent mans death.  I could have gotten here faster if I'd 
really wanted to.  I could have stopped this whole thing 
from happening.  

	Oh god, how it hurts to know that!  
	
	Perhaps he was not totally innocent, and maybe even 
a little evil.  But evil exists in all of us.  Just some 
more so than others. That was a lesson I'd learned tonight.  
Too bad it was a little late to help.  

	Someone whom I'd thought to be evil, a man I had 
fought with a hundred times, had learned to love, and had 
died telling the person those feelings were for too.  Can 
someone who can love truely be evil?  

	No.  He had not been evil.  Not totally.  No matter 
what others may think or what the may say I know that he 
was not evil.  And I know that no matter what people tell 
ME, that belief will never waver.  It cannot.  Because it 
is true.  So true.  And so painful for me to know. 
	
	I notice now that Mars and Mercury are also crying.  
Do they feel the pain that I'm feeling now?  I'm not sure.  
I can't read their eyes as they are blurred with tears like 
mine.

	The near deafening silence in the area is only 
broken by the sobs of the girl before me and the air is so 
thick with emotion I am nearly choking on it.
	
	Slowly I walk forward and put my hand on the crying 
girls shoulder in front of me.  She doesn't react.  "Molly?" 
I ask, my voice trembling.

	Now she turns to me and her eyes are flaring with 
rage and pain.  She slaps away my hand and I turn hurt eyes 
to her.  She seems not to notice, aware only of her own 
pain.
	
	"Why!?!"  She screams at me.  "Why?!  Why weren't 
you here?!  You could have saved him!!  But you didn't!  Did 
you really hate him that much?!  He wasn't like you think!!  
He was kind and gentle!  How could you let him die?!?!  
How?!  I hate you!!!"

	Her words hit me with the force of a tital wave,  and
my tears flow faster and harder.  Each syllable she speaks is 
like a knife to my heart and it feels to me like someone has 
just slapped me across the face.  And it hurts.

	She can't have meant that!  She's just angry and hurt 
and she's lashing out at the person closest to her.  But as I 
look into her rage filled eyes that seem to burn into mine, 
I know, in my heart of hearts, that she had. 
	
	Oh God!  My heart is shredding into a million 
pieces and I fall to my knees with the pain of it.  This 
can't be happening!  It's some sort of nightmare and I'm 
going to wake up any second and find out that the past day 
was just my subconscious creating one of those horrifing 
nightmares that happen from time to time.  
	
	But as I open my eyes I see that Molly is still 
there, in front of me.  She is still crying.  And she is 
still looking at me with a hate in her eyes that I have 
never seen before.  From her, or anyone else.

	It's not a dream.  This 'is' real.  But it sure 
feels like a dream.  Perhaps this IS a nightmare.  A living 
nightmare.  One that I'll never wake up from.  One that will 
continue to haunt me forever.
	
	What a horrid thought.
	
	Mercury and Mars are at my side now, trying to 
comfort me, but the words fly past my understanding.  My 
tears continue to pour down my face as I truly begin to 
comprehend all that has really happened here today.
	
	Today my best friend, Molly, found and lost the man 
she loved with all the love a fourteen year old girl could 
have.  Today a vow once made by Zoisite was fulfilled.  
Today I allowed an innocent man to die.  And today I may 
have just lost one of my very best friends in the world.  
At least in this form.
	
	I see Mercury's blurry face come into my view and
I blink, trying to clear both my mind and eyes.  I can hear 
her soft voice, trembling with her tears as she calls my 
name, asking me something.  I can't figure out what she's 
saying at first and don't answer.  So she asks again.  This 
time I can hear the words.  "Serena, are you o.k?"  

	Her voice is so distant, as if someone where on a 
hill or tundra and trying to yell to someone on the other 
side.
	
	She shakes me and I blink again, her face and voice 
are coming into focus.  "Serena, are you o.k?"  I wonder why 
they are using my real name in front of Molly, but as I turn 
to see I realize that Molly has fallen asleep.  
	
	"Serena, are you alright?"  Mercury's voice sounds 
worried and I open my mouth to ease that worry, but no sound 
escapes my dry mouth.  I can't speak beyond the lump in my 
throat.  Beyond the pain in my chest.

	"Come on Baka, get up so we can take Molly home.  
Stop acting like a child."  Mars says in a slightly bitter 
tone.  I don't realize that her words are simply an attempt 
to get me on my feet.  I don't realize that she hadn't meant 
anything she'd just said to me.  I don't realize that there 
are tears in her eyes or that her bottom lip is trembling.  
I don't see any of it and I take no notice of the pain in 
her voice.  Mars hadn't realized what a bad time this was 
to call me names.
	
	I leap to my feet and words explode from my mouth 
in a white hot rage even before I realize I'm saying them, 
never to be taken back.  "How dare you!!"  I roar, shocking 
all who are present.  "Who do you think you are Raye Hino!!!  
Who are 'you' to order ME around!?!  You are the most 
insensitive, self centered, pompose person I know!!!!  If 
you weren't Sailor Mars then I'd-"  I stop abruptly and 
stare in mute horror as Mars's eyes fill with tears and she 
begins to cry silently, looking at me with such pain in her 
eyes that I'm afraid I'll be sick.  It would appear I've 
delt yet another person the same type of pain I should be 
protecting them from.  

	I watch as she backs away from me and stares at me 
as though I've just stuck a knife in her back.  

	I've never been looked at like that.  Ever.

	My knees begin to shake and my eyes blur again.  I 
can't take it anymore and break into heartwrenching sobs.  
My legs can no longer support my weight and I fall to my 
knees again, hearing a faint thump as they hit the ground.
	
	I am barely aware of Mercury and Luna staring at me 
in utter shock.  I have never cried like this.  Not once in 
my life.  Not even when my favorite auntie died when I was
four and my uncle comitted suicide shortly after her death.  
I didn't even know I COULD cry like this.  That anyone 
could cry like this.

	My whole body is quaking and I wrap my arms around 
myself to try to still it, but it's no use.  I'm finding it 
hard to breath now and my voice is hoarse and nearly 
unrecognizable as I repeat over and over again.  "This 
can't be happening.  This can't be happening."  If only it 
weren't.  Oh, how I wish it weren't.  I don't think I've 
ever wished for something so strongly in my entire life as 
I wished for this to not be happening now.  Only once more 
in my life will I wish for something this badly.  But that 
day is far in the future, and I have no knowledge of it as 
of yet.                
	
	I look up, still crying rivers of tears and Mars's 
eyes blur with tears again.  But not tears of hurt, or 
pain, like the tears of before.  But tears for me.  Me, who 
was suffering more so than anyone in this matter.  Perhaps 
even more so than Molly.  At least she didn't have to live 
with the knowledge that she had let down one of the most 
important people to her and allowed the person they loved 
to die.

	Taking a deep breath I get myself under some 
semblence of control.  Standing on wobbly legs I breath 
deeply and then looked Mars in the eye.  In the 'eye'.  With 
all the apology, sorrow, and pain I am feeling at this 
moment.  I didn't need to say it.  My eyes spoke more than 
words ever could.  Mars gave me a weak smile and moved 
towards Molly as if to pick her up but I stopped her.
	
	"No."  I tell her quietly.  She looks at me, 
startled, and I continue.  "This is something I have to do 
alone."  She nods in understanding and moves away, 
motioning for the others to follow.  And they do, albeit 
VERY reluctantly, no doubt feeling that I might do 
something rash.  But Mars assures them and they walk away 
with quiet good-byes and short waves.  I don't say 
anything.  And I don't wave back.
	
	When they are completely out of sight I look down 
at Molly.  

	She is curled up into a fetal position, her knees 
drawn to her chest and her arms wrapped loosely around 
them.  She is still wearing the pajamas that she was 
wearing before she went to sleep.  I should know.  I was 
with her long into the night, trying to convince her of 
Nephrite's intentions.  But she had been stuborn, and 
thank God for that.  If she hadn't been then Nephrite would 
have died not knowing what love really was.  A bitter smile 
comes to my face, something that has never happened before.  
'I' had misjudged Nephrite's intentions.  Not Molly.  And 
because of my misjudgment, and other things, Nephrite was 
dead.  At least, that's what I told myself.

	Kneeling down again I slip my arms under Molly's 
knees and side and lift her easily.  She's heavier than I 
thought she would be.  My increased strength in this form 
can be very handy.  At her shift in position Molly stirs 
and mumbles something in her sleep.  I lean closer as the 
words were to softly spoken for me to hear correctly.  
As my ear comes close her her face I hear her whisper it 
again and I can hear it clearly now.  

	"Nephrite."
	
	Immediately tears spring to my eyes and I push 
them back roughly, trying to banish them before I lose 
control again, but I can't help one from sliding down my 
left cheek and disappearing in the fabric of Molly's 
pajamas.  I'm not very experienced at hiding my 
emotions, as most of my friends would attest.  
Straightening, I begin to walk towards Molly's home.                                      
	
	As I approach the store which Molly lives above I 
see a light in the living room window and a shadowed shape 
sitting in a chair.  I jump to the sill, surprising agile, 
and peak into the illuminated room.  

	Molly's mother is sitting on the couch with a cup 
of coffee sitting next to her on the stand.  Her head has 
dropped to her chest and I can hear her light snores even 
through the window.  She must have fallen asleep waiting 
for Molly to come home.
	
	Lowering my head I look at the girl in my arms and 
realize that she is crying again.  This time in her sleep.  
It would appear that she cannot escape her tears and pain, 
either in the conscious world or the unconscious world.  
Feeling tears beginning to creep up on me again I quickly 
jump to Molly's balcony open the window and slip through, 
as silent and skilled as a cat.  A far cry from my normal 
clutsiness.

	I deposit Molly on her bed and turn away to leave, 
but her voice stops me.  "Please.  Please don't go...."  
Thinking she's awake I turn in surprise and ask.  "Molly?"  
But she is not awake.  She's still sleeping and tears are 
once again coursing down her cheeks as they had been for
more than half the night.  I barely realize it as my own 
tears begin to burn trails down my already flushed cheeks.

	Sitting down next to her I watch as she tosses and 
turns in her sleep and her tears come harder.  Putting a 
hand on her arm I whisper quietly and in a choked voice.  
"Don't worry Molly.  Nephrite will always be with you.  He 
will never leave you."  My words have the desired effect 
and her tears slow, and then stop altogether.  Smiling 
sadly to myself I wonder what she is dreaming now.  Perhaps 
they will be happy dreams.  Perhaps not.
	
	Standing again I look around her room for no 
particular reason and my eyes rest on a large peice of 
lined paper and a pencil beside it.  I walk up to it and 
peer down at the almost blank sheet.  It has the date and
her name on it.  Homework perhaps.  Making a quick decision 
I take the pencil and use the eraser to rub off the writing 
already there.  I hesitate a moment with the pencil poised 
just above the first line on the thin sheet.  What to write?  

	But as I think about it and try to come up with the 
right words to say, I find that my hand is already writing 
and that words are pouring over the page in a flurry of 
emotions.  I read my work as I go along.
	
	
	Dear Molly,

	I am SO sorry I wasn't there for you tonight.  When 
you needed me the most.  I hope you realize that though I 
may never be able to make this up to you, I will try my 
best.  I saw the way Nephrite protected you from those three 
Youma's back there and I will willingly admit that I was 
wrong about him.  He was a good person.  Better than most.  
Please try to understand.  I had fought with him in battle 
many times over and no matter how much I tried I couldn't 
imagine him as anything but who he said he was, a Negaverse 
General.  But I see now, how wrong I was.  I see now how much 
more he was than that.  I hope you can forgive me for 
assuming that simply because he acted evil on the outside, 
that he was also evil on the inside.
	
	I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but please, 
at least try.  I have been fighting the Negaverse for a very 
long time and it's hard to think of anyone from there being 
good, or nice.  And because of my harsh judgment of Nephrite, 
he is dead.  I'm am SO sorry, Molly.  Please, forgive me for 
my hasty assumptions.  I know that you probably never can, 
but please try.    
	
	I blame myself for his death too.  And I can never 
forgive myself for that.  I hope you can find it in your 
heart to forgive me, because I never will.

	I don't know what else I can say.  Or 'anything' I 
can say to ease your suffering.  Except perhaps this.
	
	Nephrite will always be with you.  He will never 
forget.  As long as 'you' remember.  

	He will always live in your heart.

	Sailor Moon


	I stop writing there and crystal droplets of salty 
water drip from my face and onto the paper.  Funny, I could 
probably never write something like this again if I tried.  
I smile sadly and more tears slide down my face.  I meant 
it when I said I would never forgive myself for Nephrite's 
death.  I can't.  And I never will.
	
	Numbly I let the pencil drop from my fingers and 
clatter to the desk on which the paper rests.  Molly does 
not wake and I slip out her window as silently as I came.

	
	When I am home again I don't even bother 
detransforming before I jump through my open window.  I 
know it's careless, but I'm not really in the mood to be 
careful tonight.
	
	I find Luna at the foot of my bed awake, and 
waiting.  

	"Serena?" She asks as I detransform and Sailor Moon 
is replaced with Serena Tsukino.  "Yes, Luna?"  I say as I 
quietly slip into my pajamas and close the glass window 
which I entered the room in.  She hesitates and I look over 
at her.  She averts her eyes and then shakes her head.  
"Nothing."  She tells me, even though I know she is lying.  
"We'll talk about it in the morning."  I simply nod, to 
worn to do anything more and slip under the warm comforters 
on my bed.  

	But their warmth gives me no comfort as I stare at 
the ceiling with a blank gaze.  I'm too tired to sleep.  I 
know that had I said that to Luna she would surely have 
thought I'd gone 'completely' nuts.  But it was true.  I 
was SO tired, but I just couldn't get to sleep.
	
	After a few minutes I sense Luna has fallen asleep
and is snoring softly at my feet.  Still, I remained awake.

	After a half an hour I hear the wind pick up 
outside my window and the branches brush along it, seeming 
to whisper in the wind.  I wonder why there is no Moon out 
tonight.  Perhaps it was a sign of what was to come.  But 
that's just being silly.  Isn't it?  

	I'm not to sure about what I believe anymore.

	I shift my position, hoping to let the warmth of 
my bed lull me into sleep.

	Not much luck.

	After about fifty minutes I hear the door to my 
parents room open and close and the light in the bathroom in 
turned on.  After a moment or two it is shut off and I hear 
the door open and close again.  I am still awake.

	After an hour and ten minutes exactly I am still 
unable to sleep and the morning is coming.  And with the 
morning comes school.  Now, I sigh and allow my thoughts to 
drift, something I had been avoiding the whole night.  And 
they drift to the one place I do not want them to.
	
	Tears are gathering in my eyes for the ump teenth 
time this night, and no matter how hard I tried to stop 
them, they came.  They poured down my cheeks silently and 
created a damp puddle where the pillow absorbed them.  I 
didn't notice.  The same thoughts kept whirling around my 
head, going in circles on a never ending ride.
	
	I had failed in my mission as a Sailor Scout, to 
protect the lives of innocents.  I had tried to help one of 
my best friends protect the man she loved, and failed 
miserably.  I may very well have lost that friend tonight.  
I had been careless and reckless tonight, when I 
transformed and Nephrite saw me.  I had allowed an innocent 
man to die.  Oh, yes.  It always came back to that.  No 
matter how hard I tried to steer my thoughts away from 
that, they returned to haunt me.

	I should have run faster.  I should have gotten 
there sooner.  I shouldn't have waited for the other Scouts 
to come.  I shouldn't have been afraid.  I should have done 
'something'.  Anything!  I could have stopped this if I'd 
really tried.  

	There were so many things I should or could have 
done that would have drastically changed the outcome of 
today.  Perhaps for the better.  But no matter what I 
thought I 'could' or 'should' have done tonight, what was 
done was done, and the outcome was as it was.  An outcome 
of tears and pain.  Of hurt and anguish.  Of fear and hate. 
Of death and love.  And of betrayal.
	
	Nephrite, a general of the Negaverse, a man who 
had, on more than one occasion tried to kill me, and who 
had the love of my best friend, had died.

	Yes.  That was it.  That was what was bothering 
me the most.  Because that was the truth of the matter, 
that was the whole event that had shaped this day.  That
was the whole 'point' of the matter.  Because of me, 
Nephrite, a man who had done many things to earn the fate 
he had been dealt, but who still did not deserve it, had 
died.  

	I had allowed him to die.
	
	Oh.  Just that thought is hard to stand.  Knowing 
it is true is nearly unbearable.  My heart has already 
shattered once tonight and I can feel it breaking again.

	I had allowed someone to die... and that is just as 
bad as killing someone yourself.

	Just as bad as being the actual murderer.

	Yes.  It 'was' true.  Had I been asked to confirm 
this fact I would have to say yes.  I couldn't lie.  I 
couldn't deny it.  Anymore than I could deny that I am a 
klutz or a crybaby.  

	I had allowed an innocent man to die....  But 
would I allow it to happen again?
	
	My tears stopped abruptly at that.  I blinked.  
Twice.  Would I allow it to happen again?
	
	That was the real question, wasn't it?  It had 
happened tonight, there was no doubt of that.  And it may 
very well happen again.  But would I 'allow' it to happen 
again?  As I had tonight.

	Would I?
	
	No.  

	I made a vow right then and there that I would do 
everything in my power to protect the people I cared about 
from pain such as Molly had experienced, or the pain I had 
dealt Raye accidently tonight.  

	Yes.  I would do my very best to protect everyone.  
To save everyone.  Be they good or evil.  Nasty or nice.  I 
would do my very best to protect them all.  I would 
sacrifice myself for them.
	
	And I would fight till the end.  I would fight until 
I had no strength left in my body, to save the innocents of 
this world.  To save the people I had sworn to protect.  

	And to never make the mistake I had made tonight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

	Well, what did you think of that?
	
	I know it was depressing, and sad, and quite deep 
for Sailor Moon.  But I hope you still liked it.  I enjoyed 
writing it.  I really got into Serena's character in this 
story.

	And I meant to put in that line from the episode 
where the second rainbow crystal was found.  I can't 
remember the name right now.  But I thought it would give 
you an idea that Molly forgave Sailor Moon with that line 
and what she said after it.  I quote:  "Nephrite lives in 
my heart.  Just like all my closest friends."
	
	Send all comments, questions, compliments, 
criticism, or flames to this address tnag@lightspeed.bc.ca 
o.k?

	Please write me and tell me what you thought.
	
	Thanks for reading!

    -Jade