So i'm hanging out at Ackbar's Tavern,right?Just me and my best bud in the world,Ali Baba;kicking back and downing some brews,talking about old times and trying too figure out WHY we ain't YET gone on a voyage together,when HE walks in!Yeah,you guessed it,that spoiled BRAT Aladdin,that little son of a camel!!He all walks in like he OWNS the place,ever true to form!He's ALWAYS been like that.always will be!Jerk...
You know how, when you went to school,there was always this ONE kid who had everything handed to him on a silver platter?Well Aladdin was that kid!Not me,who had to make Seven Voyages to get rich,NOT Ali Baba,who had to kill Forty Thieves to make it big;but ALADDIN!He was always Mr.Lucky;he'd trip over something and fall,and it'd be some magic jewel!And,despite what he's told the press,he was NEVER poor...the only Hood HE's ever seen the inside of is attached to his CLOAK!No,Aladdin (Or LADDIE,as i like to call him!) was always the rich boy who got whatever he wanted:but that's okay;me and Ali gave him a good ghetto whuppin' now and again to keep him in line!!!
So like i was sayin' Aladdin walks in like he's all big and bad(as IF!!!),with this GORGEOUS flame-haired genie on his arm.(Yeah,i KNOW....you heard that the genie he had was a huge,freaky-looking creature with blue skin.Wrongo.She was a BABE.And that crap about "three wishes per person?"Man,that's how he PLAYS the press!If you knew he was a kid who always had his meal ticket handed to him by Fate,would YOU wanna be around him?Not hardly!Especiallly if his genie was a knockout who was ALWAYS eager to please!And ANOTHER thing: he did NOT only have ONE genie: Guy has more genies than i got changes of underwear...yes,i have several,THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!)
Anywho,Laddie walks in with his genie-du-jour hanging on to his arm,wearing slightly more material than that found in Ali's turban.They go over to the bar and Aladdin says in this REAL loud voice: "INNKEEPER!!A bottle of your best wine for the lady and myself!Y'know,trying to show off and stuff...prove how LOADED he is...jerk!So the genie's like,"OOh,Master!You're SO generous!!I'm so lucky to have a master like you!"And he's like ,"Yes,you ARE lucky...don't you ever forget it!"Meanwhile,i'm about to lose my lunch of hummus from listening to these two. (Just for you're own edification:hummus looks pretty much the same coming up and it does going down....UH...that's a little more information that you needed,isn't it?A thousand pardons!!!)
Laddie,of course,tells the bartender to "put it on his tab."...cheapskate.He has more shekels then the sahara has sand,but is stingier than a Casbah merchant.The bartender,of course,realizes that he'll be turned into a rat if he doesn't comply,so he lets this slide.Ali mutters something about how if Aladdin fell into a well,there'd be a bottle with a genie in it underneath him.I try to ignore the goings on,and ask Ali if he's gotten around to changing the password for the cave yet.I suggest "Open Pumpernickel" "Open Rye" and "Open Pita",but Ali does'nt like any of my ideas. We discuss carpets that are coming out this year,and wonder if they really CAN fly so much faster then the old models.I doubt it;they always add new features,but the mileage usually stays the same.
Then all of a sudden,Aladdin decides to make us REALLY jealous.He pulls his genie close and starts kissing her.And she's like,"OOH,MASTER!",in this high voice,like she's so pleased.Then he pulls her onto his lap and starts rubbing her back and kissing her neck."Oh,master!",she gushes,"your wish is my command!" Ali rolls his eyes."Exhibitionists!Why don't that get themselves a motel room somewhere?"
"Or better yet",i suggest,"maybe they could go back to her bottle...and we could toss it to the bottom of the sea!" Ali laughs.
Aladdin,meanwhile,sees that we aren't jealous enough,and decides to up the ante.They kiss more.They're making out in the BAR!It was DISGUSTING!!!Like people wanna look at THAT!!It was such a desparate act of a dimwitted man."Hey!" yelled Ali at them."This is a public place.Why don't you wish for a tent or something?"Everybody laughs.Laddie glares at him."Shut up,BABA!Everybody knows you're jealous of me!"
I laughs so hard at that comment,i spit out my grog!!"Yeah,right,Aladdin:and that genie's with you cause of your sparkling personality!" Now the whole taverns'full of laughing people.Laddie turns beet red."You'll pay for that,Sinbad!No one mocks the great ALADDIN and gets away with it!!""Pay for it?",i say,with a look of Mock horror on my face."Oh, dear Allah!All i have on me to pay you is a mere shekel!Perhaps i should give it to you...so you can buy a clue!!!"
Aladdin jumps up,flushed with rage."That does it!!Jamilla!Turn the sailor into a scorpion!" Well,needless to say,the scorpion lifestyle does NOTHING for me.And all my lady friends would avoid me,safe to say.And i couldn't let this two-bit PUNK think i was afraid of him.So i jumped up and caught the chandelier,just in time to miss the genie's bolt of magic.My chair wasn't quite so lucky.A wooden scorpion appeared in it's place.I hope it wasn't too attached to being sat on!HA!
But seriously,attempting to transform me into an insect is a SURE-FIRE way to get on my bad side.I let go of the chandelier and dropped to the floor.I glared."Oh!It's on NOW,Laddie!" I spat angrily.Ali rushed to my side,his scimitar withdrawn."Let's rumble!" "Sahibs!I beg of you: take this quarrel outside!" pleaded the innkeeper,anxiously.No doubt he had visions of broken property dancing in his head.Or the possibility of having to live his life as a desert creature worried him.
Laddie glared angrily at him."Shut up,old fool!Aladdin the Great fights whereever he pleases!"I was plenty angry,but at hearing the phrase "Aladdin the Great",a HUGE grin spread across my face. "'Aladdin the Great?'The only thing i can think of that YOU'D be great at,Laddie,can't be mentioned in a FAMILY story!!!"
Aladdin looked about ready to kill.Ali wisely brought the three of us outside,where we could fight with RELATIVELY little damage to our surroundings.
* * * * *
Well,what can i say?It all happened so fast...but the next thing i remember is Aladdin is on the ground,CRYING,about to be taken to prison by the palace guards.Ali has this HUGE grin on his face,and the genie is hanging onto him,calling HIM "master"!And i'm holding the BEST scmitar i've ever seen in my LIFE in my right hand!(Talk about your HAPPY endings!!)
So,boys and girls,the moral of the story is:no matter how big and bad you THINK you are:someday you'll get stomped.Y'all need to have nothin' but love for all your fellow creatures.Peace.I'm out.
