351. A sock is your only friend.

352. You order lobster stuffed with tacos at your local fancy restaurant.

353. You think people only wear Hawaiian shirts if they are gay or big fat party animals.

354. The topic of the sermon at your church is "He knows what you did last summer"

355. Your local minister has sound effect buttons on the pulpit, including bird, ambulance, and disco whistle.

356. your neighbor calls the REv. because he thinks he swallowed a toothpick.

357. you want to change your wife's name to Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Clare

358. You bought an oversized decorative pancho for your elephant. Technically it's for a giraffe, but you think you can let it out a little.

359. The periodic table in your classroom was donated by Oscar Mayer.

360. You know the atomic weight of bolonium.

361. Burglars stole your goldfish.

362. You are paranoid that burglars can sneak into your house through your groceries.

363. You lost your money when cheated by the wallet inspector.

364. You spent all afternoon playing Dungeons and Dragons with a bunch of nerds, and then you were slain by an elf.

365. you think you can write the periodic table on your hand.

366. When an exam comes around, you plan to hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out .

367. You have an Ayatola shirt.

368. You want to find a way to make money off of fat children.

369. Your car gets 40 rods to the hog's head, and that's the way you likes it.

370. You think there is nothing funnier than a man getting hit in the groin with a football.

371. You plan to spend the summer living in your refrigerator.

372. Your mother has your friend's teeth.

373. You consider the ingredients of peanuts quality reading.

374. Because of popular demand, nuts and gum are together at last.

375. When you get drunk, you talk about M&M's.

376. Your favorite comedian makes TV dinner jokes.

377. You use a tombstone as a coffee table.

378. You talk into your wallet cause you think it's a phone.

379. You think there's a bee in your hidden camera hat.

380. .You worked at a convenience store for 90 hours straight and by the end you thought you were a hummingbird of some kind.

381. You do a lot of things you regret as a result of an all-syrup squishee.

382. You shoot down a rescue plane with a flare gun.

383. During the superbowl you see commercials for the Catholic Church.

384. You spoiled your pet lobster.

385. There is a counterfeit jeans racket operating in your car-hole.

386. You accidentally locked your baby in a newspaper machine.

387. You pass on a message to Jimi Hendrix to pick up his puppy.

388. You mistake a bran muffin for a geode.

389. You get caught up in the rhythm of "You don't win friends with salad".

390. Your friend really wanted to go to the Azalea Festival.

391. You take a "short cut" and then never speak of it again.

392. You consider purple a fruit.

393. You were prevented from reading your normal weight by a towel rack.

394. You have bathroom product races in the sink.

395. You have a group of monkeys in your basement that are writing the best novel of all time.

396. You think "Mellow out Man" is 2 words.

397. You refer to Ed Sullivan as "That guy who always wore a shirt."

398. Cyndi Lauper sings at your local baseball games.

399. Everyone forgets there is a baseball game after it.

400. It took the kids in your class 45 minutes to locate Canada on the map.

401. You pretend your exploding homemade liquor is that bean you ate for dinner.

402. You deprived a German techno-freak of the paintings he inherited.

403. You wore a dress for a period in the 40's.

404. You dreamed you were Queen of the Old West.

405. Once your dog went under your house and when he came out he was covered with ants. Then he ran into a church and drank all the holy water.

406. The founding fathers of your town marked the sweet moment your town was founded by planting a lemon tree, lemons being the sweetest fruit available at the time.

407. Your socks were all eaten by greyhounds, so you had to wear your sister's socks.

408. You also wore kulatts to coordinate.

409. You discovered a meal between breakfast and brunch.

410. You have had you head in a hippo, an elephant, and a giant sloth.

411. You went to bodyguard school where the teacher claimed no one in your group was fit to guard a Russian rock band.

412. You received a telephone message stating you had 30 minutes to move your cube.

413. When you make a dumb mistake, you claim it's your first day.

414. Your entire shopping mall has been conquered by Starbucks.

415. You work in a nuclear power plant, but when someone says you have a 513, you still look at your watch.

416. Your school was forced to wear uniforms and everyone started blinking in unison.

417. You searched in vain for your temporary tatoo of the Taco Bell chihuahua.

418. Your collegues are turned on by soccer moms.

419. At your local zoo, all the animals are asleep, esp. during the daytime.

420. Your mom has a bad case of Road Rage.

421. A bartender's insult is, "Kiss my dishrag"

422. Your father likes stories.

423. You bought your first beer at the age of 17 with a fake ID in which you were named Bryan McGee.

424. You stayed up listening to Queen.

425. You think the word mule is funny.

426. The Australian Prime Minister sits naked in a rubber tube.

427. Your name on a fake credit card is Santos L. Halper.

428. Your occupation is butt doctor.

429. Whatever you finds you keeps.

430. On documentries, the host hurts boys named Jimmy.

431. At a dog obedience school, the instructors reward the dog owners with dog treats.

432. Your helper monkey wants you to, "pray for Mojo"

433. You got your best friend on the FBI most wanted list.

434. Your favorite toy is the Flintstones telephone.

435. You are stating under your own "free will" why Fox is better then NBC.

436. You have the Shinning.

437. If you say "Shining" You will get sued.

438. You don't read Groundskeeper Willie's mind between 4 and 5.

439. Local ragamuffins poke dead bodies with sticks to earn a rep.

440. You are part of team Dicovery Channel

441. The local millionaire talks to ketchup (or is it Catsup?)

442. You husband draws a line across the room a la "I Love Lucy"

443. The Chinese are against you.

444. The judge ruled that Science should stay 60 feet from religion at all times.

445. The police cheif calls his wife 'pop and fresh'

446. Your new best friend is E.A.R.L

447. After scolding the dog and cat for acting out of control, your mother goes on to scold the stray fawn in your house.

448. Your religious neighbor has just been convinced that heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State.

449. You think the line for paying taxes is the line for Metallica.

450. You flooded your whole town as a work of "art".

451. You wish you could ride a walrus to work.

452. Your wife's engagement ring is made out of rock candy.

453. You think a rock is a bird that became petrified and lost its sense of direction.

454. Your father secretly eats tulips.

455. When you applied for your job, you not only failed the applicants test, but you got trapped in a closet on your way out.

456. You steal lamps, tables, etc. from a hotel , claiming they're "souvenirs".

457. You speak Spanish, Chinese, and Penguin.

458. Once a sandwich took a bite out of you.

459. You pray to Superman in times of need.

460. Instead of asking a scientist to help you out you abduct him and take him to Scotland.

461. You plan to one day control the birds.

462. Your brain urges you constantly to eat the pudding.

463. Your friends at the bar go crazy over absorbent cotton balls.

464. Your local prison serves lobster tails and raspberry torts.

465. Your janitor runs to save the wee turtles when the fire alarm goes off.

466. Your mother lets you stay up all night to watch a movie as long as the next day you go to bed at 5:00.

467. You wear a grocery bag when you misplace your pants.

468. Your mother doesn't want you playing with trolls because they have such bizarre hair.

469. Your local police chief has names for all the rats in town.

470. Cinnamon has a way by giving you a look.

471. Your father decorates the cake on Maggaggie's birthday.

472. All your friends gather around when an old man talks.

473. Town spirit in your town has been going down ever since the lake caught fire.

474. You wear a size-4 kilt

475. In your grandfather's time, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on them.

476. You sold The Murder House.

477. Your mother is described by many as "a demon in the sack".

478. Homer rocks.

479. The Chili Truck passes through your neighborhood every summer.

480. You're not even sure where your own hometown is.

481. Your father towel-whips the German exchange student in the boys' locker room when he is full of chocolate.

482. You are under the illusion that Dino-Sponges will grow gigantic and eat your sister.

483. Your cat is pretty uppity for someone who eats bugs all day.

484. You are familiar with the works of Pablo Neruta.

485. You sneak into town at night to get corn.

486. You were just getting used to Ethnic Mistmatch Comedy #644.

487. You can't help but wonder how about how great a talking banana would be.

488. When you fly Japanese Airlines, the safety instructions are written in haiku.

489. Your daily meal consists of plankton from the $.33 store.

490. You hope to shop at the $.99 store for your wedding.

491. You can't use Japanese doors correctly.

492. You consider cat-burglaring a second job.

493. The Forbidden Music in your school band is " Pop goes the Weasel".

494. The doctor says you have the wrists of an 80-yr.-old.

495. In your house you obey the laws of thermodynamics.

496. You have the burgular alarm system in which your house shoots off laser beams and then gets up and walks away, and then catches on fire.

497. Your local bartender is sensitive about his big ears.

498. Kids swing logs at substitute teachers as a joke.

499. You played the umbrella for 30 years.

500. You play the flute up your nose.

501. No talking in the cage.

502. Your local police chief thinks fingerprints and snowflakes are alike in that they are both very pretty.

503. You have a Futurama T-shirt.

504. You think you don't need to go to English since you're never going to England.

505. You refuse to share your moon money with anyone.

506. You cheat in golf by making your score higher.

507. Your father is too  lazy to spank you.

508. You take a microscope to the beach.

509. When tempted, you call up your psychic buddy, who gives you the advice to take it one day at a time, and to know that he loves you, to which you respond, "I love you too, man!"

510. You picked the black pickled egg and had to be the designated driver.

511. You think that's the way they picked the Pope.

512. You enjoy seeing people punished for ignorance on the Happy Smile Super Challenge Family Wish Show.

513. You were burned by Osaka Orange Drink because it's loaded with wasabi.

514. You put chocolate bunnies in the offering plate.

515. Your parents feed your evil twin fishheads in the attic.

516. Your father likes to argue with parrots.

517. You have a cellular phone tower in your house.

518. The phone company claims it was all out of caring.

519. You wish you lived in a latex condom.

520. You assume good news is about pies.

521. Your father settles household arguments with kickboxing.

522. Billboards with big butts make you want to buy stuff.

523. Local cops and sea captains keep their eyes peeled for sexy old people.

524. Your last name belonged to your father and his father and his father, and he traded a mule for it. And that mule went on to save spring break.

525. While your father is being hit by a bucket full of baseballs, you marvel that you "get a lot of balls for a quarter."

526. Your grandfather is hijacked by some old spinsters who make him take them to Dress Barn.

527. When you hit the radio, the song "Two Tickets To Paradise" comes on.

528. Your mother can't say "foliage".

529. When a party starts in your town, music and alcohol appear from nowhere.

530. You beg the traffic lights to stay yellow.

531. A pet shop in your town has loud music and exotic dancers at 2 AM.

532. You might have possibly considered becoming interested in the Fleet-A-Pita franchise.

533. Local hillbillies collect roadkill for wedding feasts.

534. Your cousin shoots birds at the airport.

535. Your grandfather claims he turned cats and dogs against each other.

. 536. You have seen "Battling Seizure Robots".

538. You don't fear the Reaper.

539. At a bar you ask for a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.

540. The thought that you so need to hear is "I want some peanuts."

541. Your father's tulebox has plutonium in it.

542. Your father traded his tools for M&M's.

543. In your high school yearbook you were voted "Most likely to be a hillbilly, mental patient or chimpanzee".

544. Your lawyer freaks out when you catch him going through a dumpster.

545. Your favorite movie was "The Little Mermaid" before your father taped over it.

546. Your dog talks with an English accent in your dreams.

547. Your teacher has licked maple syrup off your principal's stomach.

548. All the books at your school are books that were banned by other schools.

549. You consider the path to the superbowl long and pointless.

550. Your bold independent words are cut off as you see you are covered in inchworms

551. Stomp Aberdeen.

552. You saw the Jerry Springer where Jerry is strangled to death by a giant space octopus.

553. Your agriculture project consists of a pig made from an eraser and push pins, and a spring for its curly tail.

554. Your aggyculture project was a piece of a cow. Your teacher gave you a C-minus, and you didn't even have to open it.

555. A DJ has called you "Skeletor".

556. Your Euro-trash friends got bored with you and left to catch the heroin craze.

557. You're addicted to the TV series "Star Trek XII: So Very Tired".

558. You are competing to be the first to get hamburger earmuffs patented, but you're still having trouble with the pickle matrix.

559. You used to tease cows as a child.

560. You think there is a Roman god named Fartacus.

561. You lecture your kids(or anyone who would care) about Grand Funk Railroad.

562. You enjoy the sharp metallic taste of a jagged metal Krusty-O.

563. You wrote a letter as a school assignment to the Olympic Committee asking them to carry the torch through your town.

564. Everyone else in your class wrote to the Backstreet Boys.

565. You took your family to a hypnotist, and now it's been 5 years and you still think you're a chicken.

566. You were kicked out of a Christian school for reciting, "Beans, Beans, The Musical Fruit".

567. You think the book "Johnny Tremain" should have been called "Johnny Deformed".

568. Tractors taunt you until their lids fall off.

569. You buy a Honda just for the big "H".

570. People at your bank dress like various animals and objects.

571. Local bullies distract your teacher by dancing jigs.

572. The only opinions in your town come from a guy in a bumblebee suit and a guy with a bone through his hair.

573. You know a lucky little boy who owns a tea set.

574. You're addicted to Lays liquid potato chips. You can't suck just one.

575. The local nursing home vacuums its residents while they sleep.

576. You want a good place at the staring window.

577. You want to start your own country in Cuba, since it has freedom written all over it.

578. You handed over a trillion dollars to communist Cuba.

579. You got stuck in a fountain.

580. When you squeeze a penny it enters your circulatory system.

581. You determine who is stupid with your magical "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.

582. You used to watch "Davey and Goliath" but then you decided the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

583. You think dice are wicked, so when you play a board game you move one space at a time; it's less fun that way.

584. Your neighbors are afraid of moths.

585. When performing surgery, your doctor punches you in the face, and gives himself the anesthetics.

586. You found yourself a little attracted to Milhouse.

587. You don't get Gary Larson.

588. The advice you got from the owner of an antique store is "when your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it."

589. You are polite to doors.

590. Your children suggest that you invent an automatic butt and a flourescent booger.

591. Your boss answers the phone, "a hoy hoy".

592. You stumped a rabbi by quoting Sammy Davis Jr.

593. You drool at the sight of barbequed hippo.

594. You made up the word "dumbening".

595. You boss would give money to an orphanage when pigs fly--and when they do, he still doesn't do it.

596. You've been to a lefthanded store.

597. You were forced to protest in a SNUH ralley.

598. Steven Hawking stole your theory of a donut-shaped universe.

599. The grass today is a lot sharper than the grass in your day.

600. You try to escape in a kangaroo's pouch, only to find that there isn't as much mucus in it as there is in cartoons.

601. Since cows don't look like cows on film, you paint a horse with cow spots so it will look like a cow on film.

602. When you want something that looks like a horse on film, you just tape a bunch of cats together.

603. To break those awkward silences at the dinner table, your mother talks about how she'd "never seen a tick bury itself so deep."

604. While your mother was away, your father made you eat over the toilet.

605. You also got an alligator stuck in your toilet while your mother was away.

606. You sunk my battleship.

607. You don't know what a dwelling is.

608. Your mother is depressed by her poster in the basement of a determined-looking cat that says "Hang in There, Baby", because from looking at the copyright, she deduced that determined or not, that cat must be long dead.

609. You grandfather has mistaken your dog for a lamp.

610. You believe there is nothing donuts can't do.

611. You believe there is nothing rock stars don't know.

612. You consider the "Me so solly" act a classic

613. Your hat is frequently sucked up by a crappy air conditioner.

614. You can only wear a green dress, never blue.

615. Your father explains sexual harassment to you by bringing up a witty postcard your grandpa sent you from Florida in which an alligator was biting a woman's butt.

616. You use dinner plates for target practice.

617. You like to harass Amish people.

618. When someone asks you if you wear boxers or briefs, your response is, "Nope."

619. You think a siren could mean good news.

620. You have finally found what you were put on this earth to do: knife goes in, guts come out...knife goes in, guts come out....

621. Your doctor's solution for everything is fire and lots of it.

622. When you were in a sensory deprivation tank, you imagined you were a cat, a tree, and Cokie Roberts.

623. You call a lobster a "frisky little mammal".

624. You subscribe to "Better Homes Than Yours".

625. You ignore what people are saying to you and announce that you are going to eat mayonnaise.

626. Local clown show is sponsored by percadan.

627. People on your town bus won't let you sit next to them unless you answer their questions three.

628. Your city bus goes through Crackton.

629. You killed Ron Howard.

630. Local street vendors sell Khlau Kalash.

631. You buy books written by Al Gore, and when he finds you bought one of his books he plays the "Celebrate Good Times" record.

632. You could have sworn that a message written in the sky said "I love you cactus".

633. You accidentally married a cocktail waitress you just met in Las Vegas.

634. You tried to ditch your new wife by saying you were going to go make her an omlette and then running away.

635. You vandalized your principal's house with rancid coleslaw.

636. You can't decide on your favorite Indian pop singer.

637. You are convinced that anyone acting in a suspicious manner is involved with either UFOs or other paranormal phoenomena, ie: telephone explosions.

638. Celebrities randomly drop into your treehouse.

639. When getting your citizenship, and you were asked what caused the Civil War, the guy testing you interrupted your long answer with "Just say slavery."

640. You purchased a factory downtown for $1.

641. Your alternative to getting an air conditioner is making your cat melt a giant ice cube in the corner of the room with a ping-pong paddle attached to its tail.

642. You use a drinking bird to press buttons for you.

643. You write "Barf" on your caramel bucket to keep thieves away.

644. You use family photo albums to feed the fire in your living room.

645. You spend $500 dollars on square watermelons, only to find out they're really round.

646. At fancy restaurants you ask for the lobster that is floating upside down.

647. Your bus driver only wishes he could live in a dumpster.

648. Local police think that a baby driving a car and a dog driving a bus is cute.

649. You say "no thank you" to kitchen gadgets made in USA.

650. You felt uncomfortable when a Mafia guy was staring at you in the sauna.

651. When they play 30's music on the radio, you think you've traveled back in time.

652. Your butt prevents nuclear accidents.

653. When you cross your fingers, you claim it's gonna hurt come winter.

654. Krusty wants out!!!

655. Sign's floating away, chief.

656. Your guest for dinner is Dr. Carl Sagan

657. You think the worst thing your boss can do to you is release the dogs with bees in their mouths, and when the dogs bark they would shoot bees at you.

658. The worst thing your boss really can do to you is release a robotic Richard Simmons that sings "Shake Your Booty".

659. Bears once took care of your daughter.

660. Your view of human psychology : "What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind."

661. The caption under your picture in your high school yearbook is "I can't believe I ate the whole thing".

662. You frequently get plungers stuck on your head.

663. Local fat cats regard you as "pure Baltic Avenue".

664. You refer to your husband as "Pedro" on radio talk shows.

665. Your mother confuses the game "Bonestorm" with "Bloodstorm", "Bonesquad", and "Bloodstorm 2".

666. Your mother scolds you to stop pestering Satan.

667. You worry that for failing gym, you will be sentenced to a lifetime on Monster Island. The guy assured you it was just a name, and when you got there, you learned that Monster Island was actually a peninsula.

668. You hate every ape you see from Chimpan-A to Chimpan-Z

669. You'll never have that recipe again.

670. Your brother claims that even your dreams are square.

671. Your Sunday School teachers had to remind you that Jesus did not have wheels.

672. You worry when your workplace hires a woman for the first time because you fear you will never be able to pee in the drinking fountain again.

673. It is legal to sell children in your town.

674. You have a musical doorbell that plays "Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear".

675. When camping you openly invite bears to come have a donut or even you.

676. You have a video game that involves a dingo that risks spending eternity in deep diggery doo.

677. You made a replica of yourself in shop. It was mostly latex.

678. When you went on the Conan O'Brien Show Conan would not let you dance.

679. You went to see the reverend because while doing a dance called "The Bump", your buttocks came into contact with the buttocks of another young man.

680. We still love you, Ciggy.

681. Ooh, that glue really gives em a pop!

682. Your boss comes out to announce the worker of the week and gives some obscure speech about the Jade Monkey and the head of Colonel Montoya.

683. When you want to significantly alter your dress your husband's suggestion is to "slap some bumper stickers on it and come to bed".

684. You have always wanted purple drapes and when you see them, you shriek like a woman.

685. You have to buy a pair of wire cutters to get the lock off your toolbox.

686. You didn't get your hammer hat by giving refunds.

687. The only things you need for school are rubber bands paper clips and staplers.

688. You have a rhyme to tell the difference between apple juice and apple cider.

689. You can tell your favorite show is becoming less popular when its top cartoon is replaced with Eastern Europe's favorite cat and mouse team, Worker and Parasite.

690. You tell the nurse not to cart a dead body through the kindergarden but she does it anyway.

691. You enjoy shaving your shoulders.

692. You buried Flanders.

693. You invented the Go-Go Ray.

694. Everywhere you look people are enjoying knives.

695. You squirt ketchup and mustard at cars.

696. Your wife warns you to stop talking about your childrens' graves.

697. You regret not moving into a house owned by cats.

698. You don't think you can live without the smell of melted hog fat.

699.You have change for a button.

700. When looking at lots of yuppie stuff you state that anyone who needs that kind of status symbol must have some deep emotional problem.