999. Your son is at the base at the cone of insolence.

1000. You totally ignore this fact and use the cone as a megaphone to say hi to your wife.

1001. Your favorite TV clown knew that his brand of chewing gum contained spider eggs...but the Hanta virus, well that really came out of left field!!

1002.damn Smarch weather

1003.your dad once told you that you were as homely as a mule's butt

1004. you end break-up letters with "P.S. I am gay"

1005.you couldn't tell if it was a pimple or a boil

1006. It was a Gummi Bear.

1007.Burns' film moved you...TO A BIGGER HOUSE!

1008.volley balls deflate on your head

1009. you're too fat to ride a parasail

1010. you like toy guns that go "ZZZap"

1011.when questioned about where you got Hawaiian shirt, you respond "I don't know. Came out of the closet"

1012. Goodbye, student loan payments!

1013. A hair transplant tried to kill you

1014. Your local 24-hour convenience store closed for first time.

1015. time to party like it's on sale for 19.99

1016. the answer is fries

1017. Your local comic book store has rare photo of Sean Connery signed by Roger Moore

1018. hunting sounds kinda gay

1019. A Santa Claus robot scared off attacking reindeer.

1020. You've been tenderized by reindeer.

1021. You're infatuated with girl name Mindy (or man named Andy).

1022. The bellboy makes funny faces in the dark.

1023. Church plays "In A Gadda Da Vida" by I. Ron Butterfly

1024. church music sounds like rock and/or roll

1025. You were tried by jury of the damned

1026. You sold your soul for a donut

1027. A gremlin tried to claw your eyes out.

1028. blood gets off at the third floor

1029. you hope you didn't brain your damage.

1030. You tend to go south because your town is built on a slant.

1031.You explain miracle of birth with shadow puppetry.

1032. You use peanut butter to get gum out of your hair.

1033. You think pink skin, five fingers, and no overbites are freakish

1034. You know what a Frinkahedron looks like.

1035. There might be cubes the size of gorillas in there!

1036. You'll need two strong men to work the bellows

1037. It rains donuts yet no one knows what a donut is.

1038. You went to the past and destroyed everything.

1039. You had to get re-Neducation.

1040. You voted for Kodos.

1041. Your house is built on an Indian burial ground.

1042. You ask your house to make the walls bleed.

1043. You own the book "How to Cook Humans"

1044. ...but dust reveals "How to Cook for Humans"

1045. ...dust again shows "How to Cook Forty Humans"

1046. ...another blow shows "How to Cook for Forty Humans"

1047. To pronounce my name correctly, I'd have to pull out your tongue.

1048. space aliens most advanced technology is pong.

1049. We'll eventually make a board with a nail soo big it'll destroy us all.

1050. turkey is a little dry

1051. You invented the six legged chair.

1052. you're quite good... at turning...me..on

1053. You own a Lisa Lionheart doll.

1054. The Ramones sang happy b-day to you and told you to go to hell you old bastard.

1055. You spell smart "smrt".

1056. You're smarter than the devil.

1057. You don't need your high school diploma.

1058. You invented the bra bomb.

1059. You think the Curies grew to monstrous size and shot lasers from their eyes.

1060. You ate a power bar and climbed up a mountain.

1061. Your friend's nickname is Thrillhouse.

1062. ...but ends up as Thrillho.

1063. Pseudo-Luigi, Donkey Kong, and Sonic persuade you to steal.

1064. You find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile.

1065. Your father also plays as a rapping dog named Poochie who had to go home to his home planet.

1066. Your town was infected by Osaka flu which came from the juicer.

1067. You were tricked by Scotchtöber Fest.

1068. Your friend's mother dates American Gladiators.

1069. You held back the electric car.

1070. ...you made Steve Guttenberg...a star.

1071.Your boss has giant ray gun aimed at France.

1072. you prevented 007 from escaping.

1073.Your boss mistakes you for Poppinfresh.

1074.Your dictionary has words "embiggen" and "cromulant".

1075. The non-alcoholic section in your local convenience store leads to a secret terrace, where the store owner goes when he needs a refuge from the modern world, or when he wants to see drive-in movies for free.

1076. Your house wasn't built on "Goooood intentions!"

1077. You went insane after eating Guatemalan insanity peppers.

1078. Your city celebrates "Whacking Day".

1079. You believe that the Bible contains the passage "whack ye all the serpents that crawl on their bellies, and thy town shall become a beacon unto others".

1080. You wear drunk glasses to make your aunt look sexy.

1081. I'll have a Duff, you'll have one too.

1082. You tried to get rid of television by threatening the town with a dud H-bomb.

1083. There were plenty of new bombs but no, you had to go for that retro-50's charm.

1084. Your favorite April Fools prank is shaking up a can of beer in a paint mixer.

1085. You think that the City of Brotherly Love is in Detroit.

1086. Your parents "Rocked the Kasbah".

1087. You never miss an episode of "Pardon My Zinger".

1088. You get tips on romance from the Love-Matic Grampa.

1089. You drank too much brain and nerve tonic which resulted in gigantism.

1090. You fell into the mystery hole, never to be seen again.

1091. You are blamed for every unsolved crime that ever took place in your town.

1092. You saved someone's player piano in a house fire.

1093. You caused an actual nuclear meltdown in a simulation.

1094. You freak out when someone burns a donut for calories.

1095. You almost drank sulfuric acid.

1096. You say that you don't need safety gloves because you're Homer Simpson.

1097. Radiation from the nuclear power plant has made you sterile.

1098. You think the eye chart has a smiley face.

1099. Finding Waldo was a lot easier without all those damn people surrounding him.

1100. Waldo walks by your kitchen window.

1101. You've ever made homemade Prozac (and homemade Pepsi).

1102. The secret ingredient in your alcoholic drinks is cough syrup.

1103. The secret ingredient in your pork chops is salt.

1104. You think that more testicles means more iron.

1105. NASA calculates your bar tab to 70 billion dollars (no, wait...that's the Voyager Spacecraft...your bar tab is 14 billion dollars).

1106....you only have $2000 to pay him.

1107. Your favorite cigarette brand is anything Slim.

1108. You eat sausage links for energy to escape from dogs.

1109. You're the magical man from HappyLand with a gum drop house on Lollipop Laaaaaane.

1110. You're about to hit a chestnut tree.

1111. You play a boxing game where the boxers look suspiciously like you and your father.

1112. In a boxing game, you got KO'd and your head flew off.

1113. You own CompuGlobalHyperMegaNet.

1114. You take Flinstones Chewable Morphines.

1115. You always complain about missing Sheriff Lobo.

1116. Your dead pets voted for Sideshow Bob.

1117. You've been threatened to be ripped up like a Kleenex at a snot party.

1118. Your drill sergeant tried to "corpse you up good".

1119. You found angel bones which were planted by the new shopping mall.

1120. You think Heaven looks like Emerald City.

1121. When you were young, you dreamed of being a baseball.

1122. You end speeches with "end communication".

1123. You want to move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

1124. You saw Bill Clinton and Bob Dole sealed in tubes.

1125. What the hell is this, some kind of tube?

1126. The top hit song is "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" .

1127. On the bus to school, you sit next to the kid who pukes all the time.

1128. You ate the way your dog’s always barking at you.

1129. You also ate the mess he left on your rug.

1130. Your car horn plays "somewhere over the rainbow".

1131. A local sideshow advised you not to try digging gum out of your hair with a bone...it only makes things worse.

1132. Your grandfather mistakes your cat and dog for the mailman.

1133. You have a recurring dream in which you're falling.

1134. You resent the fact that gays stole all your macho names, like Bruce, Lance, and Julian.

1135. You call bananas "yellow fatty beans".

1136. Inside the heart of every criminal beats the heart of a ten year old boy, and vice versa.

1137. Your teacher announces her dinner plans in class.

1138. Your town has just opened the world's first 2-story outhouse.

1139. All the best bands are affiliated with Satan.

1140. You were miserable when you realized you you had mistaken what were actually Bob Sagget tickets for Bob Seger tickets.

1141. You turned down an offer for a free tetnis shot...stupid lockjaw.

1142. You just finished cleaning the Circle of Death.

1143. The year was nineteen- dickety two. You had to say "Dickety" because the Kaiser stole your word "20". You chased him trying to get it back, but gave up after dickety six miles.

1144. Not the sky! That's where clouds are born!!!

1145. The topic of the sermon at your local church is "There's Something About the Virgin Mary".

1146. You have a relative that you don't see often called Bart-Bart.

1147. Greetings friend! Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well you've got the power in you right now...so USE IT! Send $1 to "Happy Dude", 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay! Eternal happiness is just a dollar away!

1148. Had you been King Solomon, you would have had the pie that two men were fighting over cut in half, and each man would receive death. You would then eat the pie.

1149. You use your intestine as a bungee cord.

1150. When a stranger asks you if you'd like to come with him, you think it sounds like a great idea.

1151. Some kid seems to love the Speedo Man.

1152. This poetry isn't going to appreciate itself!

1153. You wanted to name your putter Mr. Putter.

1154. Bikers are not attracted to you.

1155. You have lice and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

1156. You want Wesley to get your prying bar.

1157. WWZD: What would Zorro do?

1158. When you seem worried, your father assumes you've seen a scary picture in your picture book.

1159. Your ideas are intriguing to your father and he would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

1160. Your father has been thrown out of Riverdale.

1161. You scared your father with a violent picture as a kid, and he screamed "Burn it!! Send it to hell!!!".

1162. In kindergarten while singing the "bingo" song, you added an extra clap which your teacher commented was "not college material".

1163. Your town has a Bear Patrol.

1164. The number one song is now "I Do Believe We're Naked" by Funky See Funky Do, replacing "We're Sending Our Love Down The Well", which has plunged all the way down to number 97.

1165. Life's a glitch, then you die.

1166. Your mother says there's no shame in being a pariah.

1167. You're not registered.

1168. Your llama bit Ted Kennedy.

1169. You're deceptive.

1170. Your father isn't getting enough estrogen.

1171. Everyone at school picks on the "Popli" kids.

1172. You put butter on Milk Duds.

1173. You use a rope as a belt and bread bags as shoes.

1174. When riding a go-kart, you stick with the plan.

1175. You are taught in a dark classroom when your teacher has a hangover.

1176. You are passionate about boogers.

1177. You're calling Daddy!!!

1178. You think your mother's dress really hides your thighs.

1179. On Jan. 1, 2000 you are attacked by milk, a waffle maker, and an ice cube dispenser.

1180. You are greatly disappointed when the "galaxy of prawns" you ordered turned out to consist of 3 prawns.

1181. You make a hand grenade out of pop rocks and soda.

1182. You can't do anything right without your "Lil Bastard Mischief Kit"

1183. When you are in war, you threaten the enemy side with a pocket knife saying, "Come on! Who wants a piece of me?"

1184. The only board games you have are "Hippo in the House", "Citizenship", "The Game of Lent", and "Energy Shortage".

1185. Your trap door has been dropping people through the ceiling lately.

1186. You see a poster of yourself and think there is a tack in your head.

1187. At military school you were given a whistle to blow on in case there was a war.

1188. You've never liked that Dr. Stupid.

1189. You made an agreement with your wife that if she wouldn't have her sisters over after 6, you would stop eating her lipstick.

1190. Very few people know that you owned the first radio in your town. Weren't much on the air then...just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over..."A," he'd say. Then "B..." "C" would usually follow...

1191. You don't get mad--you get stabby.

1192. Without the loop, it's nothing.

1193. You like your jack-in-the-box because it's challenging.

1194. You'd feel better if you saw some trampling.

1195. Your mother reminds you that not all evil robots are killers.

1196. You are not confined by the recommended age for your busy box.

1197. Silly String allows you to confront your self-loathing.

1198. You have a renewed appreciation for your flood pants when a flood comes and although your socks are wet, your cuffs are bone-dry.

1199. The sun shining through the hole in the ozone layer doesn't have to follow the foot path.

1200. In your opinion, daytime TV is muy stupido.

1201. Your $2000-day habit is buying faberge eggs.

1202. What you talkin bout everyone!!

1203. Your inner child complains that you no longer talk with an accent.

1204. You ride a lawnmower in a motorcycle gang.

1205. You know a former bum with a solid gold house and a rocket car.

1206. We elected the wrong Carter.

1207. You had to leave the school dance early because your mother had a june bug cornered in the basement and she needed you to finish it off.

1208. You and your fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if the school would donate its new money to the local energy concern.

1209. Just as you aim to prove that you are not a little kid, your mother yells that she has laid out your jammie jams.

1210. You were caught reading a copy of "Zebra Girl" in a Port-a-Potty.

1211. In the fall, there are signs in local stores that say "Catch Back-To-Schooliosis!".

1212. You have screamed " You guys rock!" at a group of Hasidic Jews you thought was ZZ Top.

1213. You have screamed "thou shalt not steal!" in a supermarket.

1214. Your local carnival features a ride called the "Tooth Chipper".

1215. Local farmer has pigs named Theresa and Steve.

1216. Your children's news show lacks zazz.

1217. Your daddy says you're this close to living in the yard.

1218. New game available in your house: Clam Traffic Jam.

1219. You question how smart someone can be when you consider that he is dead.

1220. You can't contain your anger when you are forced to stop using fancy quilted toilet paper.

1221. You have dreamed of being accused of eating half of the planet of the donuts.

1222. You mistook Chin Ho for your son Chan Ho.

1223. You are looking forward to having another imagination Christmas.

1224. Your college was founded by a cow.

1225. Your cast was itchy so you tried to itch it with a fork but the fork got stuck and it had a piece of food on it so now ants are marching underneath the cast to get the food.

1226. You aroused an argument among a group of bikers on how to pronounce the word "resumee".

1227. According to "Virtual Doctor", you have leprosy.

1228. You are amused when a bat comes out of nowhere and bites you, since this is a new terrible thing that has happened to you.

1229. On your favorite clown's holiday special, he wishes everyone a merry Christmas, happy Hannukah, kwaaaazy Kwanzaa, tip-top Tet, and a solemn and dignified Ramadan.

1230. Your grandfather can do this: hey ha ho hey hey ha ho hey hey...

1231. While trying to come up with an idea for a float for your college reunion, all you accomplished was: "look at Moe dance! Alooooha, Moe! Alooooha Moe!".

1232.While you are riding the monorail, Leonard Nimoy's description of the present solar eclipse makes you kinda edgy. You ask if anyone would like to switch seats.

1233. Rumor has it that you brought a walking clock to school for Show and Tell.

1234. You remind people that YOUR face is next to the picture of the Pepper Steak.

1235. You order German Verb Wheels through the mail.

1236. You are working on a special government project that you are not supposed to reveal ( *cough*--cyborgs).

1237. When you tell someone that they have your undivided attention, your brain is set on a black and white cartoon of turtles playing "Turkey in the Straw" on their shells.

1238. You have seen a man getting married to a cow on international waters.

1239. You have seen the movie "Octopussie" twice.

1240. You are a Northern reticulated chipmunk, yes you are, you are so reticulated.

1241. Your boss is irritated when you interrupt his lime rickey.

1242. The purpose of your visit to Cuba is to assassinate Castro.

1243. The waiter at the theater dining place talks funny because he had a stroke.

1244. The human in the musical "Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want To Get Off" is the part you were born to play.

1245. Your town has 13 stores whose names begin with "Le Sex".

1246. You didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal.

1247. Your principal orders the janitor to water down the orange drink until he can water no more.

1248. When paying your taxes, you state that your wife needs 24 hour medical attention, your daughter is a clergyman, your other daughter is 7 people, and your son was wounded in Vietnam.

1249. Your local boot camp has a saucy chant about Company L.

1250. Your nanny isn't a bloody jukebox.

1251. You call water the "non-alcohlic" liquid.

1252. When you are about to die, all you can think about is your son showing you his earring and saying, "Sparkle Sparkle!"

1253. You discovered that jockeys are really freakish elf creatures.

1254. You consider stealing someone's egg sandwich saving their life.

1255. You find something funny about the word "tromboner".

1256. Your band conductor considers "Little Brown Jug" to be devil music.

1257. Your band conductor has never heard of any piece that wasn't written or arranged by Sousa.

1258. Your son just came out of the Pep closet.

1259. You're a jealous jockey.

1260. Your brother is a torso.

1261. You no function beer well without.

1262. Hi, you are filling in for Krusty the Klown who is presumed dead or on vacation.

1263. You don't know why people are fascinated with your forbidden closet of mystery.

1264. You can't go to Hawaii unless you bring a scandalously revealing thong.

1265. You call the Listen Lady for advice concerning your cat.

1266. If you could be any animal you would be: A. a carpenter ant B. a nurse shark or C. a lawyer bird.

1267. You spray mace in people's eyes to make them appear sensitive.

1268. You think Albanians are all white with pink eyes.

1269. The talking coyote in your hallucination was really just a talking dog.

1270. Your father and his father are in a very sticky chewy nutty (put it away boy!) situation.

1271. Your father advises you to think of raccoons as cats with rabies.

1272. Your mother recognizes the bass player from "Satanica".

1273. Elmo knows where you live.

1274. When your father is gone, your mother won't let you read "Hagar the Horrible".

1275. You took the Hamburgler's birthday off of work on Monday and then again on Wednesday.

1276. "The Flinstones" taught you that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

1277. Your father licks toads.

1278. Save me, Jeebas!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1279. Your boss pokes you repeatedly when he is tired of yelling at you.

1280. When you are away from home, you make your son the man of the house, promote your daughter to son, promote your younger daughter to brainy daughter, and promote your toaster to baby.

1281. Your mother writes poems about ducks.

1282. Your father says you can't be a booze hound until you're 15.

1283. Your boss owns every Nancy Drew book, including the controversial "Clue in the Clock".

1284. Die, you chalk-faced goons!!!!

1285. You shot Otis, and now you are going to Emmett's fix-it shop to fix Emmett.

1286. Outta my way, jerkass!!

1287. Your bachelor friend sleeps in a race car, do you??

1288. You bring your "Rappin Ronny Reagan" tape in the car to make trips go faster.

1289. You're so hungry you could eat at Arby's.

1290. You pronounce Uruguay as "you are gay".

1291. When your mother is away, you have to make your father eat over a tarp.

1292. But not the good tarp, your mother wants you to get married on it someday.

1293. Back in your day, it was the style to wear onions on your belt.

1294. Animals are crapping in our houses and we're picking it up. Did we lose a war?!

1295. The shoe buffer you could've won at the school carnival was better than the shoe buffer you already owned.

1296. Your local reverend regrets having taught you the word "sanctuary".

1297. You were proclaimed "Sir Drinksalot" at PJ O'Harrigans.

1298. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night, and keep watching the skiis!

1299. You can taste the goat in your beer.

1300. When you didn't give the money you pledged to PBS, the Teletubbies attacked you with their laser antennae.

1301. If the passengers will look to the right, they will see a sad man.

1302. You call dollars "dollary-doos".

1303. You earned the Iron Cross by running tanks off cliffs and over land mines.

1304. When you play your electric violin at the Jazz Hole, people in the crowd stare at you like you're playing too many augmented 9ths.

1305. Who needs money when you've got feathers.

1306. You think "Oregon" is a good name for a baby.

1307. Man fall down. funny.

1308. You put pepper spray on your food for its incapacitating touch.

1309. The kids call you "Hoju".

1310. Your father refers to your best friend as "that four-eyes with the big nose".

1311. You regret having registered with Insta-Trace.

1312. When your house settles, it says "Get out."

1313. Your boss refers to your baby as "expecting".

1314. You and your neighbor take turns being the Nacho Man.

1315. When you ditch your boyfriend, he thinks you are going out to pick up the corpses.

1316. You advise people to watch the CD changer in your trunk.

1317. You give your friend walkie-talkies for his birthday and give him the instructions: "call me and tell me to turn on my walkie-talkie.".

1318. The knee bone's connected to the...something...the something's connected to the...red things...the red thing's connected to my...wristwatch...uh-oh.

1319. Local scientists remind you that the real people won't burn quite so fast.

1320. "Wow, you really hit her hard, Rick!" "waaaaah."

1321. Your neighbor has his kids get his exorcism tongs.

1322. You name a single star "The Chariot Race".

1323. When you screw with your dad's matter transporter, he decides to do something he should have done long ago: he chases you around the house with an ax screaming "I'll teach you to mess with my machine!", "you're only making things worse!" and "I promise I won't hurt you!"

1324. You send your wife frequent "wish you were her" postcards while you're away.

1325. You think people can see you winking over the telephone.

1326. You think seatbelts kill more people than they save.

1327. When your plane is about to take off, you worry about the lint you left in the washing machine, because if someone broke into your house and did laundry, it could have started a fire.

1328. You consider "A Separate Peace" preschool reading.

1329. Your Indian friends make all their dishes from chick peas lentels and rice.

1330. Aaronson and Zukausky are the two biggest gossips in your town.

1331. When returning to earth from outer space, you sing the Golden Grahams song.

1332. Your dog's cards are non-transferable.

1333. That old sailor suit doesn't fit anymore!!!

1334. You claim you saw Snagglepuss going to the bathroom outside of your school.

1335. You got carsick in the principal's office.

1336. Without marijuana you could go even blinder.

1337. Eyes bigger than your stomach, eh wolfie?

1338. You are the Wizard of Latin.

1339. When you inform your mother that your school faculty is eating kids in the school cafeteria, her advice is to "look the straight in the eye and say 'Don't eat me!'".

1340.Your sister is a time burglar.

1341. Your fourth child is named "Stitchface".

1342.A cop has called you "Drugs Bunny".

1343. You found Sideshow Bob's secret hiding place and you sent a secret message to the police and a blimp collapsed on your head and you were in an atomic blast but you're OK now.

1344. Your father wrecked a fence but you don't see him bragging.

1345. Your father has the worst luck when he's drinking.

1346. Substitute teachers are not scabs.

1347. You fraternize with lameoids which makes you a lamewad.

1348. Yoink.adios/losers!

1349. You trash the White House searching for Abraham Lincoln's buried treasure.

1350. You have a senseless grudge against Unitarians.

1351. You broke your sport goggles.

1352. You tell China they used to be cool.

1353. You did a book report on "Baby's First Pop-Up Book".

1354. You descibed it as "26 pages of alphabetic adventure".

1355. You think Jesus had wheels.

1356. You think you can get on the internet with a typewriter and a telephone.

1357. You forget your troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.

1358. You build a barn when attempting to build a pool.

1359. By your asking, God gives the Reverend a canker sore.

1360. The principal tells you not to eat grass.

1361.Your local convenience store guy took a shower went to get the paper had the door blown shut and then the knob broke off the door.

1362. Little duckies try your patience....but they're so cute!

1363. People of all religions help you including Jewish, Christian, and Miscellanious.

1364. Your grandpa had to be Little Johnny Live-A-Lot.

1365. You think people who own a lot of cats can't be crazy until you are attacked by a bunch of flying cats thrown by the cat lady.

1366. Your dad gets your ball off the roof by shooting it and then offers to get the cat down the same way.

1367. Your mule wouldn't walk in the mud so you had to put 17 bullets in him.

1368. You have to hurry to the zoo to see the fantastipotamus who only sings twice a day.

1369. When you want to skip a grade you tell your mother to be "nicer" to the principal.

1370. Your mother argues that she is nice.

1371. You thought you had the tallest hair but your trip to Graceland really opened your eyes.

1372. After trying to play anagrams someone suggests that you may have better luck by bouncing a ball.

1373. When you are stung by bees you exclaim that they are defending themselves somehow.

1374. When you see that your car has a cup holder you have to stop and get a cup.

1375. Keep on truckin.

1376. Your dog can sense fires earthquakes and hippies.

1377. You are old and hate everything but Matlock....ooo its on now!

1378. You go in and out of comas all the...french toast please.

1379. You take a scooter to pick up your kids at school.

1380. At your local country club, you ask people if they know their servants' last names, or in the case of butlers, their first.

1381. A man at the country club kept giving you towels until you paid him to stop.

1382. You forget you are crippled when playing the part of Franklin Roosevelt.

1383. Slow down, Tubby. You're not on the moon yet!!

1384. You think a pile of rags is Princess Di.

1385. Do not offer my god a peanut.

1386. You think "Manjula" means some sort of spaceship.

1387. You want your mother to tell you when it's 7:30.

1388. You pierce ears with thumbtacks and whole lot of paper towels.

1389. You are it.

1390. Now you are the one who is it.

1391. Understood.

1392. You get your granpda the same shower seat every X-mas.

1393. You died doing what you loved: inhaling mountain rocks.

1394. You can't drive at night because your friends glued starfish to your headlights.

1395. You imagine that, if you rob your local convenience store, you will become a senator, live in a big mansion, and your wife will dance around in a polka-dotted bikini.

1396. You will not tease Fatty.

1397. When attending a boring funeral, you whine at your wife to change the channel.

1398. In Japan, the local time is tomorrow.

1399. You made your best friend squirt soy milk out his nose in kindergarten.

1400. Mmmm...invisible cola.

1401. Mmmm...sacrelicious.

1402. Mmmm...free goo.

1403. Mmmm...urinal fresh.

1404. Your local rich guy has to stop being horrified lest he break his monocle.

1405. You and the natives of Microasia built a chapel on their main island. You don't know much about God, but you think you built a pretty good cage for him.

1406. All you get in the mail is bills and llibs.

1407. You whimper at your wife when there's a spider near your car keys.

1408. Your local airport has a "Crichton and King Only" bookstore.

1409. When you fantasize about being a billionaire, you imagine all your stuff to be made out of pearls, and you picture yourself eating "Pearl-Os" for breakfast and breaking all your teeth.

1410. You have a horsie. Nehhhh. Nehhh. Nehhhhh...

1411. Your mother's specialty is butterscotch chicken.

1412. The new mayor of your town is a water cooler.

1413. Without the dental plan, you wouldn't have that diamond in your tooth.

1414. Without the dental plan, you wouldn't have old "Chomper".

1415. One day a pencil rolled off of your desk, which resulted in your death.

1416. When your TV breaks down, you stare at the single dot on the screen and start to make out your own pictures.

1417. Your town sells semi-imported beer.

1418. You have seen the work of Pablo Picasso during his angry jerk period.

1419. you accuse your wife of watching too many hide-out movies.

1420. Your local bartender uses voodoo and santeria to get his customers to drink.

1421. Boys love candy!

1422. You consider the Bible a preachy book...everyone's a sinner!...except this guy.

1423. You toileth not on ye Sabbath.

1424. Your principal broke his hand in a boaking accident.

1425. You saw a teletubby say "Hurt everyone" .

1426. All you need to bring on your vacation is a lobster hat, fish net speedo Jr., wheely shoes and an invisible dog leash.

1427. The most international coffee in your house is Nescafe.

1428. Your friend sends you the telepathic message "trab pu kcip".

1429. When in mood-lightening mode, your submarine plays "Girl from Ipanema".

1430. Your father parks the car in the "compact only" section and has everyone climb out the window.

1431. When your neighbor throws rocks at your window to get your attention, you think he wants to have a rock fight.

1432. Your school's German exchange student eats marzipan Joy Joys mit iodine.

1433. Your teacher drove to the moon.

1434. Keep looking shocked, and move slowly toward the cake.

1435. You think that if you get a wig of your wife's hair, you will no longer need your wife.

1436. You like it when people steal your trailer.

1437. You want your kids to marry each other so you'll only have to pay for one wedding.

1438. You think you can kill a vampire by driving a stake through his crotch.

1439. You have stayed in the Royal Fart Inn.

1440. You scream "Bring on the rappin granny!" at concerts. 1441. You're beginning to dislike the man with the whip.

1442. You defy your mother by threatening to get into the crawlspace again.

1443. See you in hell(from heaven)!!!

1444. Your school is also a state penitentiary.

1445. Your liver screams "yay!" when you say you will stop drinking.

1446. Then you punch your liver.

1447. Then you claim that your liver hurts.

1448. You would rather have a mummy chase you than the wolf-man.

1449. Your best friend sprays ketchup on his belly.

1450. Laundry bill soar like eagle.

1451. You fear that spending time with your daughter will make you go fruity.

1452. You refer to Florida as "America's Wang".

1453. You fondly remember the old Vitamin barn from your days at camp.

1454. You think the word "Seattle" is funny.

1455. You have a hexagonal treehouse.

1456. You died your wedding dress black and it became your mourning dress.

1457. You become hypnotized by pink elephant balloons dancing and twirling, dancing and twirling...

1458. A crazy woman threw jimmies in your eyes and then you could only see a horrible rainbow.

1459. The ghost of Lucille Ball threatens you to stay out of the drum; that's her bit.

1460. When you hear a fire alarm you think your popcorn's done.

1461. When the fire alarm goes off, you impatiently wait for your cocoa to come out of the machine.

1462. When the fire alarm goes off you raid all the candy machines.

1463. When your favorite cartoon went off the air it was replaced by a Chinese cartoon where the robots turn into blingwads.

1464. That raccoon stole your lambchop!!

1465. If he can teach a class, HE can teach a class! I mean, I can teach a class!

1466. Back in your grandfather's day, rich people used to ride around in zeppelins dropping coins on people.So one day, he saw JD Rockefeller flying by, so he ran out of the house with a big washtub. He had just used that washtub to wash his turkey, which in those days was called a "walking bird". People always had walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, Injun eyes, and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then they'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball.

1467. Your grandfather wishes you would spend your money on something useful, like storm windows or a nice pipe organ.

1468. Your grandfather is thirsty.

1469. Your grandfather wonders what smells like mustard.

1470. Your grandfather comments that there are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood.

1471. Your grandfather comments that the President is a demmy-crat.

1472. Your grandfather comments that there are too many leaves in your walkway.

1473. Your grandfather announces that the dog is dead.

1474.Your uncle runs an unsuccessful shrimp company.

1475. Your second cousin shoots birds at the airport.

1476. One of your relatives plays a millionaire at parties...or at least he'd like to.

1477. One of your relatives jumps in front of cars and sues the drivers.

1478. One of your relatives begs celebrities for money.

1479. One of your relatives is a prison snitch.

1480. Jug band manager.

1481. My legs hurt.

1482. You advise people to eat at the Legless Frog if they want to get sick and die, and leave a big garlickly corpse.

1483. Your local family restaurant decorates the walls with an alligator with sunglasses.

1484. The results of your breathalizer test were "Boris Yeltsin".

1485. You advise your James Bond action figure to stick around, as things are really starting to "cook".

1486. Your father thinks everyone has heard enough from Mr. Newspaper today.