The evening began as Chris and J.O.E.suddenly arrived at Keiph's house unexpectedly. He was attempting to sell his soul to The Dark Lord Seth. Chris talked to Seth and something magical happened as unicorns from Narnia spoke to us in Swahili. Beth? What the hell are you guys talking about? It was Seth. Anyway the fat bald man known as four fingered Freddy the frogman said that he really wanted to run for president. Charles S. Dutton, the kid in the armani suit, said that was silly. I really got mad but you don't know who I am, do you reader?
After Chris talked with the dark lord Seth we decided to enter the domain known as Blue Hill Terrace Street. We stepped outside and J.O.E.'s leg was humped by the stair monster sporadically. J.O.E broke free from the horny encounter and we mutually decided to it was better for our virginity to stay away from Luke's left nut. Then it was our decision to head to Keiph's room to get a little somphin, somphin like a carjack. Anyway back to mindless babble. We sat in Keiph's room listening to J.O.E.'s life story. I was bored, that would be me the one with the mindless babble. Anyway, we decided it was time to consult THE BOARD. The board is an evil and corrupted utensil, almost like the spork but slightly creepy.
Chris began getting erotic pleasure from our friend Elmo (who just happened to be a little red man who went into convulsions when you touched him in that special place). After J.O.E. and Keiph wretched in disgust we consulted our physicians. We learned we were hypochondriacs and Freddy had the Clap. We consulted the board to find out life's mysteries. We came up with the following list of events: J.O.E will live to see 80 and hate every minute of it Chris gets arrested of attempted murder of J.O.E. and drops the soap in jail Keiph will have 2 wives and will die of a heart attack on the scene of one of his movies Matt will die in Toronto Karen will die before J.O.E.
The board told much more. Al?Al who? But if we told you any more we'd have to kill you. Eventually the board told us it was lying and refused to reveal it's true plans but we did learn that it was a tool of the Devil. We continued to use it, as it plotted Chris's death. J.O.E. was also planning a death, but of Elmo. He slit Elmo's throat and tossed his little red body in the closet. Don't get me wrong, I'm still glad Michael Kennedy died. Thousands of small tornadoes were released from the board and throw us all around. Then Keiph touched wow that's another story. Suddenly, in a weird twist of fate, seven Keebler elves (who secretly manufactured biological weapons, but that's this story) snuck into Keiph's house and began looting everything, even 3-D bowling and the amazing techni colored dream coat. Four fingered Freddy the Frogman pulled out his pistol and quickly annihilated the elves. We came upon a ouija board.
Keiph and Chris immediately assumed the position and placed the Ouija board on their laps. Tastes like dead fetus? Anyway, back to mindless babble. I seem to have lost track on no thought but if you place your seat trays and wookiees in their upright and erect positions, maybe the story can commence. We all placed two fingers on the Ouija thing and began to contact Satan. Our friend Charles S. Dutton and THE BOARD were dragged into hell. We quickly decided that the Ouija board is a tool of Al? Al who? But if we told you any more we'd have to bring the smack down and yell who's your daddy. While sitting in my own little world reminiscing of sugarplums and Zima, what ever happened to Zima? What the dilly yo? I decided I could pull mine out longer than J.O.E.'s but decided that might insult Freddy who would ejaculate on Keiph. So with the Ouija board, THE BOARD, and Charles S. Dutton out of the picture we decided that it would be better for our feeble minds to think of something besides erotic pleasure from a toy or 3-D bowling. No this more was this was Disco bowling.
Remember that anytime on this journey your seat may be used as a flotation device. Our brains were being depleted of oxen so we ran around like chickens with our heads cut off shouting "Bill throw ball". As we were chasing our tails we were mugged by our shadows and hit by a stream of consciousness. It scared us all, especially the ones who ain't typing. Then this huge tidal wave came dude. We tried to get our surfboards from our pockets but it turned out to be something bigger and more private. After we returned from the bathroom?Chris throw ball? J.O.E. went back to the bathroom with his wallet. Keiph made shadow puppets of Sharon Stone?Chris went back to the bathroom. Lord Seth haz a saggy ass, Keiph went back to the bathroom. Several toads crossed the street Freddy went back to the bathroom. We had mass orgies in the living room.
We went back outside to meet new people. J.O.E. decided to pinch his nipples and squeal. Chris liked that idea and pinched J.O.E.'s nipples too. J.O.E. went back to the bathroom. A massive pile of slime grabbed Freddy and pulled him into the void known as Ferncroft where his nut would be tugged for eternity. Don't get me wrong I'm still glad that Michael Kennedy died. Goobly-doo. We proceeded to rock the mic but we are white and our crew of 5 was now 3. We made our way to The Pierce Slave Farm and made weird noises like butter. A large man twice the size of my, uh hem (not appropriate for young readers), told us that if we would give us thirty bucks he would lead us a place of great cleavage. He obviously meant Cleveland. I like cleavage. The current writer went back to the bathroom.
Proceeding down Canton Ave and then onto the Parkway. The Parkway was a never-ending series of nothingness. As we walked further and further it seemed as though the little men dancing around us got bigger and bigger and angrier and started throwing neon glow in the dark condoms at Keiph. While walking down the Parkway we began to go insane. J.O.E. and Keiph turned blue and grabbed Chris's nuts very tightly, almost as tight as virgins. As we continued walking we yelled obscenities at the cars on the left side and greeted them with hand gestures. I stood in awe of mmmm cleavage. Anyway, back to more mindless babble. Hold on I am busy pitching a tent.
We were temperately abducted by aliens and Chris was probed anally like he dropped his soap in prison. We were warped back to earth because Chris enjoyed the probing too much. J.O.E. became very flexible after altering surgery. He made Keiph watch him toss his own salad. Keiph induced vomiting and dreamed of Lord Seth. Then he went to the bathroom. The toilet was now clogged with a thick milky substance that was not milk. These next series of events did actually take place. The next day Jeff Barrett was walking to the Milton Food Mart when a group of thirteen wiggers raped and killed him. Keiph was on his way to see Lord Seth when shrapnel struck him from an exploding white van. He was killed instantly. Ryan Forry, J.O.E., Chris, Andy Beyer, and Karen Shields were in an abandoned warehouse with a stolen bag of pogs. Chris had already shot Karen in the tit, trying to fulfill his destiny (according to MoneyBags). J.O.E. had a gun on Chris, who had a gun on Karen, who had a gun on Andy, who had a gun on J.O.E. Ryan was hiding under a handicap ramp . The four fired and were all killed. Ryan took off with the Pogs but was arrested like butter.
J.O.E. would like to thank: Keiph (New Years is long), Chris (all I wanted was a Pepsi), Karen (join me in the bathroom), Myself (for being a Lego man) Jim (I'll complete my mission, you'll be totally gray because of me), Ben (your methods of madness tend to inspire me), Luke (you shouldn't have shown me Reservoir Dogs), Star Market (5.60$ an hour) Lynne (Goobly-doo), Ryan (hey, you lived), Wannamaker (you are a winner), Andy Beyer (you didn't live), Phrank Jr. (I like Wine Jelly), The Jade Elephant (Scott Zolak was not in this adventure), Jeff Barrett (sorry I had to kill you), Matt (sorry I ruined the surprise of your death), Nomar for president, Pepsi (I hate Coke), Kholliston (our sister town), Rickerson (Shamgod will kill your kids), The Voc (No midterms), Jenny Mawson (for Polar Bears), MaryBeth (isn't baleen a funny word?), look for the J.O.E. retreat this Phebruary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris would like to thank: Keiph (for trying to fight off Lord Seth), Lord Seth (for conquering Keiph, it was funny watching you whip him), J.O.E. (encouraging my ignorance), Luke (for hours of mindless conversation), Ryan (for living in a pink house), Mark Grassa (your years of acting like a child have rubbed off on me), Jeff Barrett (your insane babble has inspired me), THEY (for driving me insane), Jim (influencing my ignorance), Matt (I can always count on you to guide me in the wrong direction) , Charles S. Dutton ( For a while you completed our 5) , John Fox (for nothing) , Bill Clinton ( showing us that ugly guys get theirs too) , Shaft (for being the man) , The men in the white coats ( Hahahahahahahah , missed me!) , Elmo ( for that night of mad passionate love) , The Stair Monster ( for humping J.O.E.'s leg sporadically) , Women ( Cleveland) , Tiffany ( for encouraging me to be a hot dancer) , GZA ( for being a demon) , RZA ( for punching out Ma$e) , Robyn ( For listening to me) , Jen , doh I mean Lauren ( For laughing at my jokes) , Vaynal ( for being almost as cool as Shaft) , Dee ( I believe I can fly) , My parents ( for establishing my ignorance at an early age , I love you Dad) , Ashley ( for fighting others ignorance, not mine) Aaliyah ( for loving the wookiee) , Hey hey hey what wanna what hey what hey what the blood clot!
Keiph would like to thank: Myself (I'm almost as vain as J.O.E.), J.O.E. (for being a Lego man), Chris (for being sick, twisted, and ignorant), Beth (for going out with me), Lord Seth (for going out with Keiph), Ryan (for being three days older than me), Jeff Barrett (for tearing your pants for me), Mike (you bastard), Lynne (for stuff), Bill (???), Jeff Cotton (the name says it all), Multiple Caitlin's (you all frighten me), Jen +MaryBeth (marshmallow fluff), Courtney (you pervert), My shadow (you were always there), Katie (for putting up with me for a whole week, how come you never slept with me?) Soap on a rope (Chris will need you in jail), Jim (for stabbing us in the back like Lauren), Phrank Jr. (who's your daddy), Frank (you are Phrank's daddy), Lauren (why am I thanking you?), And everyone else shorter than me.
We Loco. We aren't dead but perhaps we should be. Stay tuned for more insanity. Yeah you, dick heads. We all thank Brant Thorvaldsen for his big head. Mwa ha. I refuse to believe factual information.