Today, Angel and I had a long talk about us not being together. It was hard, but we managed to get through it. Everything I said to him tonight, I meant it.
I never knew that I was different from others until the day I was called. It changed my whole life. Where I went to school, my friends, my personality, my famliy. Ever since I started slaying, my parents fought more and I always thought it was because of me. Of my lies that I had to tell.
When I met Angel, he taught me that my parents didn't get divorced because of me. He told me that not everyone gets along after a while. He helped me get over my guilt that I had built up over my parent's divorce.
From the first time I met him, I knew I liked him. But me being a slayer, I pushed aside my feelings for him and just told myself it was just a school girl crush.
When I found out he was a vampire, I knew I was different then. Not all girls fall in love with a vampire. And not all girls love someone that's 242 years old. For a while, it troubled me. Giles and Xander was against me dating him, but I wanted to and no one could stop me.
When he told me that his family was killed by vampires, I wanted to cry. He looked like he was about to cry, also. But I didn't cry. I knew that if I did, he would come over and hold me, rocking me slowly back and forth. I wanted him to do that, but I knew it would be for the wrong reasons.
When we first kissed, it was so nice. It was gentle, yet firm. Like he didn't want to hurt me, yet he didn't just want a brush of the lips, either. It was really sweet.
After that, we went to see where out relationship was going, but Angel didn't want to get involved. I think he didn't want to date due to that I'm a Slayer and that he was a vampire. I know he just used the age difference for an excuse.
We finally got into a relationship. It started out kinda rough, but it eventually got smoother.
We faced a lot a things together afterwards. The Order of Taraka, The Master, the demon Machida, the evils on Holloween, and Drusilla and Spike. But the all of those put together didn't even rank up to what we're facing now. Our love for eachother.
Everytime I see him, it's like I'm awake. All of my attention converts over to him and it feels like sunshine in my heart. Even tonight when we were talking, my heart still beats fast when I'm around him and he knows it. I never knew that he could tell until one night we were patroling and I was kinda on edge. He said that I looked nervous. But from then on, I knew he could hear my heart.
When we kissed, or used to kiss, he was always so gentle with me. He always gave me all of his attention and was always concerened about if it was okay with what we were doing. Or if he kissed too hard or hurt me. I know he never wanted to hurt me. And to me, I thought it was the sweetest thing in the world.
He is my world. By just him being in it, makes my life worth living. I'm not sure if he knows it or not. But he's everything to me. He makes me smile and keeps me going when things really get bad. If he wasn't here, I wouldn't even be alive today.
Tonight he told me that he wanted to be with me. That he wanted to kiss me and hold me. He told me that I was *his* world. That I meant everything to him and that the one night we made love, he wouldn't trade it for anything. He told me how I made him feel, what he liked about me. In return, I did the same.
In the end, he told me he wanted me and to have another relationship with me. And that he'd always want me until the day he dies. But he wouldn't allow us to have a relationship. He didn't want anything to happen again.
When I got home, I cried. He came to visit, he told me he was was passing by. Of course I didn't believe him, but I didn't say anything and just let it slide. He held me in his arms telling me that no matter what, he'd always love me. When he and I were done, we kissed. A small kiss, but it held everything that he ever saw in me.
* * *
Angel felt wrong about reading Buffy's diary. But he needed to for some reason and was sure she would understand when they saw each other again.
As he finished up reading the last diary entry, he wrote at the bottom of the page. He sat on Buffy's bed facing towards the window, waiting for the sun to come.
For the first time in centuries, Angel saw the sun rise. It was beautiful and reminded him of Buffy. As he burst into ashes, his last thought was that at least now he would be with Buffy.
In the book, Angel had written: "I love you so much, Buffy. You're everything to me. Which is why I can't live without you."
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