DISCLAIMER: If I owned anything, would I write fanfic? Archiver's Note: This takes place post-"Enemies"
Willow Rosenburg and Buffy Summers sat down on a bench in the park. "Wow," Willow said. "This must be like the first time I've been in the park during the day. It's kind of nice." "Yeah," Buffy agreed, although she wasn't listening closely. Willow glanced sideways at her friend. "He loves you, you know," she said softly. "I know," Buffy whispered, but she didn't sound convinced. "You guys need to talk." "I don't know if I can...it hurts just to look at him, Willow, it hurts so bad." "He was just acting," Willow told her. "But was he? You'll never know how realistic it was and how much to hurt, Will, never." A single tear trickled down her cheek. "How do I know he didn't really get a happy and lose his soul?" "How would he get a happy?" Willow asked logically. "He slept with her, Will," Buffy whispered. "He had sex with Faith." Willow's eyes widened. "He did?" Buffy nodded, and Willow continued. "But he didn't lose his soul...I guess Faith doesn't know how to make him happy?" "Maybe," Buffy said quietly. "Or maybe there was nothing to lose." "Buffy, I can't believe I'm hearing this!" Willow cried. "This is Angel we're talking about. Angel who went to Hell for you, Angel that lives for you!" "Maybe," Buffy whispered again. "Buffy, you at least need to talk to him. You can't just sit here thinking the worst before you know all the facts. Call him up." "Willow..." "Resolve face. Call him. We'll go to my house and you can do it then." Before Buffy could protest, Willow had dragged her off. ***** The phone rang once, twice, as Buffy's Alanis Morissette CD played in the background. As Buffy waited for Angel to pick up, she sang along. "'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me and-" "Excuse me?" "Oh!" Buffy shrieked. "Oh my God, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had picked up..." Willow had a hand clamped over her open jaw. "Buffy?" Angel asked. "Heh...yeah, that's me." "Are you all right?" Angel asked in concern. Buffy bit her lip. "Physically, yeah. Emotionally..." "I know," Angel told her softly. "But you don't," Buffy said. "No one can understand." "So nothing's wrong, then?" Angel asked, sounding relieved. "No, not wrong wrong. Not like you-have-to-sleep-with-Faith wrong," Buffy said icily, and Willow sucked in her breath. Angel didn't respond, and Buffy continued. She let out a breath, and choked on a sob. "I'm sorry. That was harsh. I didn't...I didn't...we need to talk." "We do," Angel agreed, betraying no emotion in his voice. Buffy glanced at Willow, who was frantically motioning to the sink. "A sink?" she asked quietly. "What?" Angel asked in confusion. "N-Nothing. I'm at Willow's...a sink?" she repeated. Willow was frantically shaking her head, pointing out dishes. "Uh, would you like to come over...to wash the dishes?" Buffy asked in confusion, trying to figure out Willow's message. "Wash the dishes?" Willow was waving her hands 'no'. She began trying to mouth something as she continued to motion to the sink. "Would you like...some toffee from the sink?" Buffy looked at Willow like she was crazy. "Buffy? Are you...ok?" "Uh, what? Oh, yeah, yeah, just fine...a pot!" "Buffy?" Angel sounded very worried. "Willow's trying to give me a message," Buffy explained. "She's...making a...pot of toffee?" Willow sighed in exasperation and finally opened the cabinet and pulled out a can of coffee. "Oh! Coffee!" Buffy cried. "Ok, I've got it figured out. Come over to Willow's for coffee and we can talk?" "Coffee?" he repeated. "The non-date drink of choice," she said with a teary smile that he couldn't see. "Now?" "Yeah...the sun's down...please?" she asked in a young-sounding voice. "All right...Buffy?" "Yeah?" "What were you singing when I picked up the phone?" "Oh," Buffy said sheepishly. "My Alanis Morissette CD. I've been listening to it again." "Again?" "I-I bought it when you lost your soul...before...for the 'You Oughta Know' song...and I sorta felt the same way again...you can hear the song when you come over." "I love you," Angel whispered so quietly that Buffy wasn't sure if she had heard him. "Yeah," she whispered to the dead line. "Wash the dishes!" Willow shrieked when Buffy had hung up. "You were pointing to the sink!" "The coffee pot in the sink," Willow said in exasperation, washing the glass pot and setting up the machine. ***** There was a knock on the door. "Come on in!" Willow yelled from the kitchen, where she was trying to pour coffee. "Um, hi..." Angel said uncertainly. "Hi, Angel," Willow said, her ever-cheerful self. "Hey," Buffy whispered. "You want coffee?" "Um, ok." "Milk? Sugar?" Buffy asked, still talking in a quiet voice, and not about to change. "Black is fine," Angel told her. "Ok." They took their coffee and sat down at the table. Willow motioned upstairs and left. "Well..." Buffy said. "Well," Angel answered. "This is...awkward. To say the least." "That it is." "We need...Angel...we need to talk. About...w-what happened." Buffy felt tears in her eyes and stood up to change tracks on her CD. She couldn't let Angel see her cry, she couldn't. "Is this...the song you were talking about?" Angel tried to ease the tension with little avail. "Yeah," Buffy said. I want you to know That I'm happy for you I wish nothing but the best for you both An older version of me Is she perverted like me Would she go down on you in a theater Does she speak eloquently And would she have your baby I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother Cause the love that you gave that we made Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no And everytime you speak her name Does she know that you told me you'd hold me until you die, til you die But you're still alive And I'm here to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me You you you oughta know You seem very well Things look peaceful I'm not quite as well I thought you should know Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner But it was a slap in the face, how quickly I was replaced And are you thinking of me when you f--- her Cause the love that you gave that we made Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no And everytime you speak her name Does she know that you told me you'd hold me until you die, til you die But you're still alive And I'm here to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It's not fair to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me You you you oughta know Cause the joke that you laid in the bed that was me And I'm not going to fade as soon as you close your eyes And you know it And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it Well can you feel it Well I'm here to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It's not fair to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me You you you oughta know Well I'm here to remind you Of the mess you left when you went away It's not fair to deny me Of the cross I bear that you gave to me You you you oughta know Buffy glanced at Angel slowly. She couldn't read his emotions in his face. "Well," he said finally. "I...uh...well!" "It was sort of a comfort song," Buffy explained. "It was kinda nice to know that someone else had the same problems...or not exactly the same, I'm sure, but..." "I'm so sorry," Angel whispered hoarsely. "It wasn't supposed to be like that." Buffy shrugged nonchalantly, trying to hide tears in her eyes. "That doesn't make it hurt any less, Angel. And it hurts. It hurts so bad." "What hurts, Buffy? Tell me what hurts." "You know." "Tell me anyway. I need you to tell me." "My heart. It hurts so bad that I want to die. When I saw you kissing Faith, I wanted her to just finish it. I wanted her to finish it, so I didn't have to see anymore. I would have welcomed death. I can put up a brave front, Angel, but I'm not really that brave. I've never been hurt like that before, Angel." "It wasn't real," Angel insisted. "That's maybe what hurts most. You were just acting, but, my God, Angel, it was so realistic. It was so realistic it scared me. And I'm so confused now. I don't know how much I can trust you. If that was you, then you really can hurt me as much as he can. Physically and emotionally. You can be just like him, Angel, you showed me that. And it's scary. It's scary to know that you can still do all that. How much of it was acting, Angel? Huh? Tell me how much was acting and how much was real. Because if that was all acting, then you deserve an Oscar." "It was just acting, Buffy," Angel insisted. "It's not real." "But it was you that did it," Buffy told him in a scared voice. "You hit Xander, you hurt me. And you could do it again, whenever you want. Rage doesn't come from nowhere, Angel, trust me. You can't just go around threatening people like that if there's no rage built up. Don't lie to me, Angel, don't lie to me. I know you too well. You enjoyed it, didn't you? You enjoyed being able to do whatever you wanted like that. You enjoyed the freedom it gave, you could speak your mind and do what you wanted without having to worry about what someone's going to do in return. Because we were all in on the plan, we wouldn't kill you. So you could do whatever you wanted. Goddammit, Angel, don't lie to me!" she screamed. Angel had his head buried in his hands. "You're right." Buffy was visibly shaken and she clutched her coffee cup so hard that it almost broke. "I enjoyed some of it. I enjoyed being able to vent my anger without having to worry." "Is that all you enjoyed, though? How do I know how much of you is you and how much is him? How do I know when I call you up that it's you? How do I know that everything you've ever told me isn't a lie? I'll tell you. I don't. I have no way of knowing. Everything I thought I knew went down the drain the first time you kissed Faith. And I can't get it back." Tears trickled down Buffy's cheeks. "And it hurts, Angel. It hurts so badly. But more than that, it scares me. It scares me so badly that I want to run and hide. Because I don't know if you're who I thought you were." "I enjoyed some of it," Angel repeated. "But not hurting you. That's the last thing I ever want to do. Don't you know I love you more than anything?" Buffy kept most of her emotions buried deep down, only allowing rage to surface. "Well you sure have an interesting way of showing it! Next time I want to show you how much I love you, I'll screw Spike!" "Buffy..." Angel choked out. "But you didn't lose your soul from sleeping with Faith?" Buffy demanded. "No...you know how the curse works..." "I know damn well how the curse works, but I'm finding out a lot of things are different then I thought. There's no clause on the curse, is there? Huh? Answer me! There's no damn clause, and you just didn't tell me cause you don't wanna sleep with me. Because I'm not good enough for you. Am I right? Hmmm?" "No...Buffy..." "What? Isn't that it? I'm not good enough for you, plain and simple." "You know that's not true...that's just what he said...it's not true..." "He said? Or you said?" Buffy growled. "Hmmm? Don't you share the same thoughts?" "No. God dammit, Buffy, STOP IT! Did you invite me over here to talk or to vent your anger?" Buffy inhaled sharply, then sighed softly. "To talk. I'm sorry...it just hurts so much. Like I said, I can put on a brave front...it's better that way. It's easier to just yell at you than it is to talk to you. Because to talk, I have to face everything that hurts me so badly. Everything I never want to face again, don't even want to think about." "I'm so sorry, Sweetheart, so sorry..." Buffy practically inhaled half of her cold coffee before looking back at Angel. "So we'll talk." Angel nodded. "I enjoyed some of it. I enjoyed being able to take out my anger like that. I did enjoy the power, the freedom. But to hurt you like that....it was the most horrible thing in my life, Buffy." Buffy looked at him with sad eyes. "You should get an Oscar." "He was pushing to get out," Angel told her. "Pretending weakened my control over him, and I had to fight harder than ever." Buffy bit her lip. "It hurt so much to see you like that, Angel. It hurt to have you saying things about sending you to Hell, even if I deserved it." "No. You didn't." "But the worst hurt, Angel, wasn't you mocking me. It wasn't you threatening to kill me. It was the betrayal I felt knowing you were with Faith. Jesus Christ, Angel, you looked like you were trying to perform a tonsillectomy on her!" She softened her voice and continued. "And it hurt to hear her bragging. But even all that I could have dealt with. But...Angel...you were...together...with her...in a way that we aren't...together." "I know, Sweetheart, and I'm sorry. I didn't want to." Angel gently put his hand over hers. "It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, to betray you like that. I didn't want it to go that far." "I know you didn't," Buffy whispered. "Doesn't make it hurt any less. It made me wonder...if you really had lost your soul." "I can only lose my soul through true happiness, Buffy. Faith didn't make me happy. No where near. Only you can do that, Buffy." Buffy gave him a small smile, and giggled slightly at his next words. "All I was going to lose with Faith was my lunch." Angel looked into her eyes briefly and continued. "You did a great job acting, too, if it makes you feel any better." "I wasn't acting," Buffy told him in a hoarse voice. "What?" "I wasn't acting," Buffy repeated. "It was too realistic. It hurt too badly. Everything was real, Angel. The fear, the pain, the betrayal, it was all real. I wasn't pretending to be afraid of you killing me. I really was. And, secretly, I welcomed it." "Oh my God...Buffy..." "I actually felt sympathy for Darla. For once, I wanted to be the psycho bitch with the gun. And I wanted to shoot out Faith's kneecaps." Angel's eyes widened. "I told Xander," Buffy went on in a careful, slightly teary voice, "That you were acting. I repeated it. I wasn't trying to convince Xander. He doesn't care what I say, he'll form his own opinions. I was trying to convince myself. And it didn't work," she added with a sob. Angel was at her side in an instant, his arms gently around her. "Shh...don't cry." "Xander hates you again," Buffy said suddenly. "He was starting to sort of like you. You were almost friends. He told me. He confessed that he didn't think you were so bad. He told me that he was beginning to think of you as a friend. He said that when you punched him he was trying to get your help to find me. He was slowly accepting you. He had finally seperated you from the demon. Then you knocked him out, and the seperation was gone. It was just like before for him. You were a demon, soul or without." "I know," Angel whispered. "And part of me wanted to hit Xander, for what he's done before, for how he acts towards you, just for how annoying he can be. But a bigger part of me regretted that. We've never have had a great friendship, but now it'll be hate again." Buffy looked at him sadly, and Angel pulled her tighter to him. "I love you, you know," he whispered into her hair. "I love you too." "I know you can't forgive me,-" "I forgive you," Buffy whispered. "If you forgive me." "Forgive you? For what?" "For doubting you. For letting myself be hurt so easily. For loving you too much," Buffy sobbed. "They don't need forgiveness,"Angel told her, stroking her hair gently, his face against her neck as he knelt in front of her. "They do," Buffy insisted. "But no matter, I forgive you. I'm so sorry, Angel, so sorry. And I forgive you." "Why?" Angel asked. "Because I know what it's like to betray the one you love, when they don't understand. I know what it's like to do the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. I sent you to Hell." "And I'm proud of you for it." "I'm proud of you," Buffy whispered. Angel gently wiped the tears from her eyes. "Hey. You wanna try the movies again on Friday?" Buffy smiled. "Sounds like a plan to me. But maybe we should read the reviews first this time." "We really should," Angel agreed.