Captain's Log: Stardate 51098
Our continuing mission is to reengineer our core process to become more customer-focused while working in new Total Quality Control team paradigms. To selectively generate a new and superior race of hyper beings from the ordinary scum of humanity. To engage in the selective genocide of Honey Dew employees and customers, as well as their families, as well as anyone whose last name begins with a "P", "H", "C", "T", or "Q" except for those born in months that, when spelled in German, end in the letter "R" and contain no less than 10 letters, or when spelled in Greek do not contain the symbols of alpha, sigma, theta, or omega, or know someone named "Bob". To become a multi-national freelance terrorist organization bent on world domination, or if that plot fails, on world destruction(involving the use of chemical and nuclear weapons that would reduce the earth to little chunks of irradiated minerals teeming with deadly microbes such as bubonic plague, E Bola, yuppies, and lawyers(and their lawyers)). To generally lower the quality of food, or any substance posing as an imitation of food such as the nefarious "Real Eclairs", while subsequently raising the prices until such time that only the five richest men in the world can afford them. To generally ridicule and make a mockery of all nations with special care to be paid to France, Uruguay, Canada(eh?), and all of the U.S.'s loser square states. To attempt to measure the diameter of Ted Kennedy's head and use the resulting measurement as a new unit in the metric system (to be known as the tedometer). To create a religious, ethnic, or racial slur that simultaneously and equally insults every person, place, thing, or concept. To use humanity's only truly unlimited resource, stupidity, as a source of power, or at the very least use those with an IQ under 100 to replace outmoded forms of transportation such as cars and horses. To recognize Newt Gingrich as an independent nation and declare war on him. To pay the Vatican a large sum of money to turn the Pope into a walking Honey Dew billboard by adorning him with the corporate logo in numerous locations. To join in a corporate merger with a company headed by someone named Mr. Evil, Mr. Sinister, Dr. No, or if no such company can be found, Bill Gates. To obtain Hell and all of its territories and subjects in a hostile takeover. To change the official language of the U.S. to an ebonics-Hebrew hybrid. To command the forces of darkness. To kill every 3rd customer. To provide service with a sneer. To seek out strange new worlds...and obliterate them.
