Knowing.what's.wrong.realizing.what's.right...
"Knowing what's wrong, realizing what's right..."
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I pulled my jacket closer to my body. The cold weather of October was really getting to me. I don't know why I just didn't drive the car over. I needed to walk, and to clear my mind before getting 'my stuff.' I hope what he had to give me wasn't too much that I wouldn't be able to carry home.
I didn't bring any of Taylor's stuff. I couldn't. I wasn't sure if I could actually give it up. I didn't want to bring that sweatshirt to him, it was practically mine, I adopted it, and he had pretty much given it up. His smell. Something I was definitely going to miss.
I walked up the porch steps, knocking on the door. Zac swung it open aimlessly, looking at me. "Oh. Hey Julie." He said blankly.
"Hey, is Taylor around, I'm suppose to get a few things from him." I suddenly felt uncomfortable, looking down at the cracks on the porch.
"Yea, he's upstairs." He stated, before walking away from the door. It was clear that he was a bit annoyed with me. Probably thinking the same way Isaac thought before we talked, and wanting to stand with his brother. I made a mental note to explain the situation later on.
Standing there alone, outside the door, I took it upon myself to walk in. I knew Zac wouldn't be back to lead me through the doorway, as he had made that obvious when he walked away from me. Isaac and Nicole were sitting together on the couch, watching TV, and talking quietly.
"Hey Julie... here to claim what's yours?" He joked, before taking a straight on smack off the top of the head.
"Shut up." She smirked, looking over at me.
"Its ok..." I looked at her. "Yea, I guess so." I plopped down on the plush maroon chair next to the couch. "Is he upstairs? I think Zac went to get him, but I don't want to go up there and bother him..."
"Yup, I'm sure he'll be down any sec. He was trying to get some more stuff done, clean up the room a little."
"Oh, ok..." We sat and watched TV for about 15 minutes before Taylor finally decided to actually make an appearance into the living room. I quickly stood up as he walked in.
"Julie. I didn't actually think you were here, I would've come down sooner."
"Its ok."
"I have your stuff upstairs." He said, turning to go back around. I took that as my cue to follow him, walking close behind. We walked into their bedroom, junk all over the floor, suitcases and piles of clothes flung across the room. I looked at his bed, where a pile of stuff sat there. I assumed it was mine. He gestured his hand to it, confirming my theory. I walked over lifting a shirt so I could sit down on the bed adoring my belongings.
"It's mostly clothes, I mean, I really didn't think we needed to give back gifts. There's so much stuff anyway; that'd be stupid."
"Yea, I guess." I sat, playing with one of my shirts in the pile. It was his favorite, he had bought it for me at the beginning of the summer.
I looked around the room, stopping my gaze on the top of his empty dresser, which once was decorated by a framed picture of us. I tried to stop the small frown which was quickly taking over my face.
He followed my gaze, realizing what was wrong. "Oh that." He said, walking over to a pile of bags, and grabbing it off a small carry-on bag. Well at least it wasn't smashed, and thrown in the trash can somewhere. "Do you want it?"
"No, that's ok. I have plenty of pictures, I really don't need anymore."
"Cool... I kinda wanted to bring it with me anyway."
"Really?"
"Well, yea. Why not?"
"I don't know..."
"Listen Julie, just cause we broke up, doesn't mean anything. We're friends. We can talk and all. And, you left yesterday before I could explain to you why we were at the mall-"
"You really don't have to explain anything." I said, looking away from his gaze.
"It was kinda mean."
"Like I said before, its over, so I didn't even have a right to feel hurt." Did I just admit that? Am I that dumb? "I was the one that broke things off, so you shouldn't hesitate at all at seeing other people."
"You were hurt?"
I put my attention back on the shirt in my hands.
"I didn't mean anything, really. I'm sorry. It was nothing, she called, and I didn't want to sit around the house feeling sorry for myself, so I was like, 'sure'. We went to the mall, and then the movies. That's all, it was nothing."
"Really, though, I don't care. You don't have to explain anything..." I said, standing up, collecting a few shirts, and other small items in my arms. I knew they all meant something, but I didn't want to figure out just exactly what it was. "I should get going..." I started to walk out the door, faking a half smile.
He followed me down the stairs, towards the doorway. "You want me to walk you home? Cause I'll go get my jacket."
"No that's ok, I can walk by myself. I don't mind. Sorry I didn't bring any of your stuff over, I didn't want to have to carry it." Truth was, I didn't want to let it go. "I'll see you guys later. I'll stop by or somethin before you leave." I motioned to Isaac.
I saw him nod off to Taylor, raising his brow. The small signal they had for each other, no doubt. I had seen that all too many times to know exactly what it meant. Taylor quickly picked up. "Oh yea! Isaac said you mentioned something about all going to dinner together before we left?"
I shot a look over to Isaac, as he shrugged innocently. "Um, yea, I guess I did." How was I supposed to back out of this?
"Ok, cool. I'm thinking Thursday, cause Nicole doesn't have to work, and even Erica can go that night."
"Erica?"
"Yea," he laughed. "Her and Zac have been dating again, he just decided not to tell us this time. He's still hung up on her. But she can go..."
"Well, ok. Were do you guys want to go?"
"Lucci's!" Isaac yelled from his spot off the couch.
"Lucci's? Why there? What am I suppose to wear there?" I asked, kinda annoyed.
"How should I know? It has to be someplace nice, and I like it there." Isaac answered.
"Fine, fine." I turned around to walk out the door, just as Mrs. Hanson was walking into the hallway.
"Julie? Nice to see you came over and got that stuff. You know if you didn't get it then, you wouldn't see it for months." She smiled, not really leading on if she knew about the breakup between me and Taylor. "I actually meant to talk to you, so I'm glad you came over. Are you doing anything tomorrow night?"
I shook my head.
"Would you mind watching Avery, Mackie, and Zoe? Walker and I need to take the boys down town to talk to some people about our plans for the next couple of months. Jessica wants to go over to a friend's house, but I don't know what to do with the rest of these kids,"
"Oh yea, sure, I don't mind." I smiled.
"I'm sorry it's such a short notice, I forgot all about this last meeting. It won't be late at all...I know you have school the next morning."
"Sure, no problem... I really better be going though, I'll talk to you guys later..." I said, glancing towards Taylor as I turned the knob.
"Call me tomorrow!" Nicole called out.
I got home to a dark house, figuring both parents were out again with clients. After everything with Mike had happened, they promised that they would change things at home, being there for dinner more often, spending more time with me. That didn't last too long, before things went back to normal in our house.
Walking into my room, I eyed the unruly pile of things I had managed to put together of Taylor's stuff. A couple shirts he left over, the sweatshirt, some CDs I figured he'd want on his trip, and a stuffed animal I didn't know what else to do with. I picked up the sweatshirt looking it over. I couldn't even count how many times I had worn this thing. Every time Taylor had it on, I would make sure I somehow got it at the end of the night. After awhile, he finally gave it up, surrendering it to me. It smelled so much like him, his smell, the one I loved so much. I aimlessly put it on, not really paying attention to what I was doing, curling up and immediately fell asleep on my bed.
The alarm went off, sending my mind off into a whirlwind. I did not want to get up this morning. I struggled to get myself up off the bed as I pulled on some clothes, and ran a brush through my hair.
The day went by so slow, and for some reason, every time I turned around Meegan was there. She smirked a few times, rolling her eyes as if I didn't notice. It's almost as if she knew something I didn't. I wanted to slap her across the face. She just seemed to think she was so much better than me. I knew what she was like, now that she somehow felt she had snagged Taylor, "Mister Unattainable"; she seemed ready to take on anything else.
I just didn't get what he saw in her. First of all I was nothing like her. It hurt inside to think that just might be the reason right there.
I was actually confused about this whole 'dinner.' How was I suppose to sit there, knowing I just broke up with Taylor? It would be too uncomfortable. I hadn't thought about it until now. Did I need a date? I was too dumb to realize it last night, but Isaac had Nicole, and Zac had Erica. Who did I have? Who did Taylor have? There was no way I could be Taylor's, I needed to find someone. Bringing up problem number 2. There was no way I could ask a guy. That would make things twice as hard I knew I had to get out of this somehow, or prepare for the most uncomfortable situation I've ever had.
I was so glad to get out of school, it was kinda comforting to know I would be over at the Hanson's later on that night. The guys weren't gonna be there anyways, just me and the kids. Either way, I always felt safe in that house. It was a refuge, somehow.
I got home at about 3pm, and decided to call Nicole before I left.
"Hello?" Her familiar voice asked.
"Hey, its Julie..."
"What's up? You're babysitting tonight, right?"
"Yea. But I was wondering if I could borrow something to wear for Thursday. I don't really have anything... I want to look really nice."
"Trying to impress someone?" She laughed.
"No, I just have nothing to wear."
"Sure... you want to come over after they get home tonight, I bet we can find something's for you to wear."
"Cool... thanks."
"No problem. I'm not exactly sure what I'm gonna wear either. I couldn't really ask you this last night, but are you ok with all of this?" She curiously asked.
"Uh, I guess so. But I don't know what to do? I need a date."
"No you don't."
"Who's gonna be mine? Taylor? Sorry, I don't think so. That or I can't go..."
"You don't need a date. We're all going as friends. You aren't going to back out, are you?"
"I don't want to back out of anything, you know? I wanted to kill Isaac when he brought up dinner. I told him I didn't want to, but I guess he decided to take things upon himself."
"Yea." She joked, "he plans things out."
"Huh? Plans what out?"
"Nothing... You know how he is, it's his brother. He wants him to be happy."
"I don't know if I'm following you..."
"He wants you two back together, its his brother. Like I said, you know how those guys are, they'd do anything for each other..." She explained their "brotherly love", as if I didn't know any of it already.
I sighed. "Leave it to Isaac..."
"Well..."
"Well, what?"
"Well, I mean, it's just that you guys were together for so long. You seemed ok, now just because you cant show affection, you don't care about him anymore? C'mon Julie, it doesn't work like that..."
"Nicole, you arent trying to tell me that you're on his side."
"There arent sides in this..."
"I try to explain this to you guys, but nobody listens. We cannot go on like that, its wouldn't work. I don't want Taylor to feel somewhat lonely, and he does. He needs someone who can show him that they love him. I tried, and I cant."
"He still loves you though..."
"I did this for him. So he can find someone better." I hated repeating that pathetic sentence.
"Looking over all the stuff you "think" is right for him, do you still want to be with him?" She asked.
"I'll always love him, we've been friends too long to give something like that up."
"But that isn't what I asked. I said, do you still want to be with him?"
I paused. Everything I had said in the past few days about Taylor was swirling around like a pool in my head. I knew I had slowly started to regret the things I had said, but I wanted to make Taylor happy. I couldn't even admit things to myself, let alone to Nicole. So maybe I kinda regretted the things I had done, but I still felt Taylor would eventually be happier.
"Julie? You feel like answering?" She asked again.
"Nope."
You can at least admit things to me..."
"I don't want to talk about it." I stated.
"Ha! So, were we right?"
"Listen, can we talk about this later, I really got to go now..."
"Fine, but you aren't getting out of it, I can see right through you." She joked as we hung up.
I decided to drive over to the Hanson's figuring I'd be much easier. I had been freezing from the walk last night, and I could drive straight to Nicole's dorm after babysitting. I quickly walked up the front steps, and knocked on the door.
After a few moments, I heard Mrs. Hanson exasperatedly yell, "Taylor, would you get the door already?!"
"I'm going, I'm going..." I heard his voice get closer.
I smiled as he opened the door.
"Hey," he stated expressionless. He walked back down the hall, as I let myself in. The actions, which were much like Zac's the night before, I suddenly became confused.
"Is that Julie?" Mrs. Hanson asked from the kitchen.
"Yes!" Taylor annoyingly announced through the house. Something was bothering him, I could immediately tell. His attitude had totally changed since I saw him yesterday. I tried not to take notice, as I took a seat on the couch next to Isaac, pulling my legs underneath me.
"So, where exactly are you guys off to?" I asked him, as he pulled his attention away from an MTV video.
"Oh, somethin about more contracts. You know how all the official stuff is," He stood up, stretching his arms out.
Mrs. Hanson walked in from the kitchen. Taylor followed her, putting his jacket on. He eyed me, but kept looking away.
Walker walked past them, heading for the door. "I'll be waiting out in the car, see ya later Julie." He smiled.
"Ok, well, the kids are upstairs playing. They should be fine, and we'll be home at about 8, numbers are on the fridge. Is everything ok?" She asked me, as Zac ran right past her, and Ike and Taylor walked out the door.
"Yep, its ok." I smiled.
Mrs. Hanson watched as they walked out, before lowering her voice. "I heard about you and Taylor. I'm sorry that's what happened. I hope everything works out, but just let it take its course. It'll be ok. Trust me..." She patted my back, as she shut the door behind her.
Time passed pretty fast, as I played with the kids, joking around with them. I was really going to miss them, just as much as the rest of the family. Every time the guys left, all the family went with them. The younger siblings never ceased to amaze me with whatever they did. I always seemed to worry that they might be shadowed by their brothers, but both parents had made sure that never happened, letting them each excel in their own ways.
I didn't realize that Diana had come home until I heard her call upstairs. I left the kids to keep on playing, and walked downstairs. "Here you go," she handed me a 20$, pulling off her coat. I followed her into the kitchen, where Taylor sat at the table looking over some papers. "Taylor?" She cut his concentration, as he looked up. "Would you mind taking Julie home?"
He immediately rolled his eyes, looking at me, then back at her. Anger spread across his face, "Ugh, mom... I'm kinda busy, can't you see that?" He was more than annoyed with the proposition she brought up. The kind eyes of his, were showing an expression I rarely saw.
"Um-" I tried to interrupt them.
"Taylor?" She asked, brought back by the way he was acting.
"What? Can't you ask Isaac, I really don't feel like doing it!" He pushed his chair away as he stood up abruptly, sending it flying away, and walking out.
I looked down, not really knowing what to say.
"I don't know what got into him." She looked over at me. "let me go get Isaac..."
"I drove over here, its ok. I tried to tell you before Taylor got mad..."
"Oh! I saw your car parked across the street, and didn't even take notice to it." She laughed, as I began walking towards the door. "Thanks for tonight Julie, I'll see you later."
I waved, walking away from her, and out the door. As I walked to my car, and opened the door, Isaac came out, walking faster towards me.
"Julie, did anything happen?" He asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I mean, with Taylor, he's acting pretty weird. He's been a pain in the ass all day today, and I heard him get all mad about driving you home, did you do anything?"
"Why would you think I did something?"
"I don't know, he just seems pretty annoyed with you."
"I know, but honestly, I have no clue." I said, getting in the car, as he held to door open.
"Ok, I have no clue what his problem is then... I'll see you Thursday night." He said, shutting the door for me, as I drove away.
I didn't know what to think as I drove down to Nicole's. I knew ultimately when I got there, she would get me to admit the fact that I regretted breaking up with Taylor at all. I just needed to think of reasons why.
I didn't get Taylor, I didn't understand what was wrong. He had seemed so much nicer yesterday, I didn't get what the change in his attitude was. If he really wanted everything over, he sure had made a fast decision, and made it clear, but I couldn't change how he felt now.
"Come on up!" Nicole yelled through the intercom system of her room. She met me at the door, as I walked in.
"Nice outfit..." I laughed, at the mismatched clothes she was wearing.
"Hey... I need to decide what to wear too..."
We sat around, talking and joking, pulling out different outfits from her closet. After looking through all her clothes, and trying stuff on, I decided on a nice pair of red velvet pants, and a fancy black tank top. I pulled a small sweater over it.
"That's awesome, you are gonna knock those guys out on Thursday. Just stay away from Isaac..." She laughed, "he's mine."
I didn't really say much, I knew talking about dinner would eventually lead to what we had talked about on the phone. She wasn't going to let up. I would have to tell her exactly what I felt.
That I missed Taylor.
"So... about what we talked about earlier? About you and Taylor, was I right in thinking that you still love him."
"Of course I love him Nicole. Its not like that."
"I know... But you know what? Did you ever think about it. I mean, you and him are really happy, you made each other happy..."
"I know..."
"And you love each other." She said ever so wisely.
"But,"
"But nothing... you should just tell him that you regret what you said, and you miss him. He loves you, he might be kinda confused, but it'll be like nothing has changed."
"I thought about that. But, look, he's already gone on a date with Meegan. He's given me my stuff back, and he's pissed off at me. You should have seen him tonight. Its completely over, I don't want to get myself upset over it now."
"Julie... maybe if you had someone talk to him,"
"No, God that's pathetic. I can do it myself."
"Then do it."
"I cant. I know you're only trying to help, but he already showed me how he felt. All this just hurts so much..." My eyes started to water.
She looked at me sympathetically. "Of course it does, its because you love him. He wouldn't matter to you if you didn't..."
I frowned. "I know... breaking up with him was probably the dumbest thing I've ever done." I mumbled, dragging a tissue against my red blurry eyes.
"So you finally admit it. Well... we'll see what happens. You never know... maybe you could talk to him."
I shook my head. "I don't know how..."
"Yes you do. Its Taylor, not some guy off the streets. You need closure on this before he leaves. Whether he decides its over, or shows you he still loves you, you need to know how he feels. You cant make up his mind for him."
I nodded my head. "I better get going, I'll talk to you later..."
"Ok, think about what I said."
"I will." I lightly smiled, before walking out.
"But don't let it bother you... We'll figure something else..."
"To Love You"
Email: writerjul@hotmail.com
