Holding.in.Giving.out...
"Holding in, Giving out..."
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I was in the bathroom, trying to cover the redness in my eyes, when Nicole walked in.
"Julie, what's wrong? I saw you leave, and you looked kinda upset. It's been like 15 minutes, Taylor wanted to come get you, but I volunteered. Are you ok?" She asked, I wondered how she could seem to care so much, when she barely knew me.
I turned around, showing all the puffiness in my eyes that had occurred. She gasped.
"What happened, what is it-" She started, before I interrupted.
"It's nothing really. Please, let's just go back. You shouldn't have seen me, please don't tell Taylor, ok?" I said, almost begging.
"I cant! Are you ok, do you need my help?" She started again.
"No, lets go back. I'm ok, just don't tell Taylor, you cant." I said, walking out. She followed, and she led me to where our seats were, looking concerned, but trying to hide it. We sat down, and Taylor just stared at me.
"What happened? You took forever."
"Nothing, I needed some fresh air, so I went outside. I lost track of time, that's all. Sorry." I smiled, and started watching the movie. Taylor didn't seem to believe me, and shifted over. The movie ended, and we all said our byes. Nicole pulled me aside.
"Listen, I know we don't know each other that well, but its ok. If you ever need anyone to talk to, here's my number," She said, holding out a ripped piece of paper, I gave her mine back.
"Thanks, Nicole. You're pretty cool, we gotta hang out sometime." I smiled, and waved as I walked towards Taylor. He seemed to be walking a little bit faster ahead of me. I had to walk faster to keep up.
"Hey Tay, wait up." I said, double timing my steps.
"What were Nicole and you talkin about? You seemed to be keeping it quiet." He asked.
"Nothing," I got defensive, "she just gave me her number so we could hang out sometime. That's all."
"Oh."
We got in the car, and Taylor started to drive off. Again quiet, like before. He pulled over to the curb, and I cringed. The whole goodnight ritual. I wish I could just tell him. Tell him that I couldn't be close to anyone right now, not even Taylor. He leaned over, and I quickly pecked him on the lips.
"I'm really tired, I'll talk to you tomorrow, ok? I'll call your whenever." I smiled, opening the door.
Taylor looked at me, missing what I am sure he considers the best part of a date. "Yea, ok." He mumbled, showing the annoyance in his voice.
I got out, and started walking towards the door. Taylor didn't even wait to see if I got in. He was gone, sped off, it was obvious he was mad. Just another thing I had to deal with...
I went up to my room, and sat on my bed. I hated hurting Taylor, I hated being hurt. I just had to get over this, and act like nothing had happened. It hurt too much. Everything. Before I knew it, I was curled up on my bed, crying. I wanted to talk to someone soo bad, have them tell me it was all going to be ok. That what had happened wasn't my fault. Nobody could do that; no one could help me. I wanted to get over all of this. I woke up at about 2am, seeing that everything was dark, my door was shut, and that I was in my room with my clothes from that night still on. I decided there was no point in even changing, so I grabbed the blanket, and fell back sleep.
The next morning, I woke up, looking at the clock and realizing it as later than I expected. I forgot I had to baby-sit some neighbor hood kids, and took a quick shower. They only lived a few blocks away, so I told my mom I was leaving, and started the walk. I knew it was going to be a long day. I didn't think Taylor was gonna call me anytime soon, so I didn't even bother calling him to tell him I wasnt going to be home all day. I walked onto the porch, and rang the door. The sound of kid's feet came running to the door.
"Hi Julie!" Katie screamed, opening the door for me. Oh sure, this was gonna be fun...
Mathew was in the backroom playing some video game. He was the same age as Zac, and was never home. He was old enough to watch the kids himself. Mrs. Harrington met me in the kitchen, where Katie had just led me.
"Hi Julie. I'm leaving in a few, Katie won't have to nap, as you can see she is wide-awake. Aaron is sleeping, and shouldn't be up for a few hours. Matt is leaving soon, his friends are late in picking him up." She smiled, and went on. "Here are the numbers, I have quite a few errands to run, and then I am meeting my sister for dinner. Mr. Harrington will meet up with us too. So, I think we should be home about 11pm. I am sure we'll go out for drinks." She went on with the rest of the plans and directions for the night. She left, and I grabbed Katie and joined Matt in the living room.
"Hey Matt, what are the plans for today?" I asked, not even distracting him from his game.
"We're going out. Me and some friends. Zac's coming too." He said, not even looking away. The doorbell rang, and that sent Katie running towards the door, I walked after her, right as she opened it. Zac was standing there, smirking. It was something that seemed to be shared perfectly between him and his brothers.
"Hey Julie, get Matt, would ya? We're kinda late, and we want to get the tickets before it sells out. Ike's in the car." I looked over and waved, he nodded and smiled. I yelled for Matt, and he came running out.
"Later Matt, have fun guys."
The day went by slower than I wanted, complete with spills, messes, diaper changes, and two baths. The kids never ceased to amaze me, and the messes they made. I was paid fully, and walked home, happy to be out of there.
I got home to a dark house, a small note, telling me my parents had gone out, and wouldn't be home till really late. They were the types to come home at 3 in the morning.
I checked the answering machine, and found it blinking twice. One was just my aunt, telling someone to call her. I waited for the second beep. This led to what seemed like someone sighing, and a click. It was Taylor. I decided I would call him, though I didn't really want to talk. I grabbed the phone and dialed the number aimlessly.
"Heeellllooo..." came Zac's voice onto the phone.
"Hey Zac, is Taylor around. I need to talk to him-"
"Oh, sorry. He's not, I think he went out with Mike... I'll tell him you called though," Zac said, kinda distracted.
"Ok sure, that's fine. I'll talk to you later then... bye." We hung up, and I went upstairs.
It was late, so I decided to throw some sweats on and head to bed. I was about to doze off, when the phone rang, I dreaded getting it at all.
"Hello?" I said, kinda annoyed, even Taylor never called this late.
"Hi Julie! Its Nicole, sorry about being so late. I have been calling all day, to see what's up?" She asked.
"Oh nothing. I was babysitting all day, so I wasn't home. I'm really worn out." I said, hoping she didn't want too talk long.
"Oh. Ok. Well, I wanted to know if you wanted to go shopping Wednesday? I need some new clothes, I thought you might want to hang out..." She trailed off.
"Um, sure. Sounds cool. I don't have anything planned, I guess I can go." Anything to get my mind off things, and away from it all. I knew Taylor would want to probably spend time. Well, actually he probably was mad at me for not explaining about the other dnight, so he was probably avoiding me.
"Ok, well, I'll let you go, like I said, it's late. See you on Wednesday, I guess. I'll pick you up. How's 12 sound?" She asked.
"Ok, sure! See you then, bye." We hung up. I crawled back under the sheets, before falling into a deep sleep.
I was running. There was woods, or something. I know I was being chased, but I wasn't sure from who, or what. I was scared, and I was screaming for Taylor. He wasn't around, and wasn't answering me. It went all dark, and then I fell. Something was on me, hurting me. It was all over, I was screaming...
I sat straight up it bed, my head was wet. My back and neck were soaked too. It was just a dream, just a dream. I tried sleeping, but couldn't. I sat there the rest of the night, the last few nights had been like that. There was nothing I could do to get away from it.
Wednesday came along, and I found myself window shopping through out the huge, Counties Mall. It was actually more packed than usual. Nicole had bought out half the clothes in the mall; I wasn't doing much shopping. Though I had grabbed a few shirts and a T-shirt I thought Taylor might like. I needed to make amends with him somehow, though I knew money really wasn't the answer, it may put more questions on hold.
Nicole was asking all kinda of questions about me, and Taylor. I wasn't really sure why. Until we sat down in a little diner to grab something to eat. We were sitting across from each table in the back.
"So, anyway, I was thinking about Isaac. He's really cool, and all, I hope it all works out." She ended another endless conversation about Isaac.
"Well, if he talks about you, as much as you do about him, I think it will. Taylor has said he really has 'a thing' for you." I smiled at her.
"How's Taylor? Taylor and you? You guys doing ok, I've heard you guys have known each other forever. And you guys finally hooked up. That seems so nice, best friends are always supposed to be perfect for each other."
"Yea," I answered. "Taylor's great. He's so special, and knows me so well. He's always made me happy, and cares so much. I love him to death."
"That's great. I've just been wondering, because of the other night at the movies. You know, you were in the bathroom. Why didn't you want me to say anything, was it Taylor that did something?" She was asking, I almost had to fight the tears. I remembered what I was crying about, and I didn't want my mind on it.
"Oh that. No, it wasn't Taylor. It's really hard to say, or even explain. I don't want to talk about it, its bad enough. You know? I wish I could, but I don't think anyone should know. Not now, it'd hurt too many people. I can't do that right now..." My eyes started to water, I didn't want to talk anymore. "I'm really sorry. Really."
"Oh geez. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make things worse. But really, you can talk to me, it ok." She tried to sympathize.
"I cant."
"Julie, if its bad, you have to tell someone. You can't keep it in."
"Listen, I'm not going to say anymore, I can't talk about it." I replied, trying to end it all.
"Please Julie, don't do this to yourself."
"I'm not doing anything," I was struggling not to let the tears fall. I felt so dumb, I prayed nobody was watching us. "Why don't we go home now, it's a about 6, and I should really get home." I sat up.
"Yea, ok, we should. Let me get the check."
We walked to the car, and she drove me home. "Ok, well, call me later. I'm sorry about what happened back there. I'll talk to you later." She smiled, and I matched her smile back.
"Its ok, I'm fine. I'll call you. Bye..." I said, and got out.
After walking in, and showing the few things I got for my mom, I went up to my room. Put the stuff away, and got on the phone to call Taylor. After ringing a few times, Isaac answered.
"Hello?"
"Oh hey, is Taylor there?" I asked.
"Hey Jules. Nope sorry, you just missed him. He went out with a couple of the guys. You want me to leave a message?"
"Ugh... He's never home anymore. Just tell him I called... That'd be great. When's he suppose to be home anyway?" I asked. I really missed him, and wanted to talk a bit.
"Hmmm... I don't know, he just left. Probably not till his curfew. I'll tell him to call then if you want." He stated.
"Sure, ok. I'll probably be up, anyway. I haven't been getting much sleep. Don't really know why... Stuff on my mind, I guess." I said.
"Oh yea. I've wanted to talk to you about a few things. But not on the phone. What are you doing now, you want to come over for awhile? I guess it is kinda important."
I was trying to figure out what he was talking about. "Why not? I'll be over in a few." I stated.
"I'll come pick you up of you want, so you won't have to walk alone. You shouldn't walk alone at night anways... Nicole is here, we could both walk over." Nicole? Why would she be there to talk to me? I put it off.
"Oh no that's fine. I can walk, I'll be there in a few. Bye." I hung up the phone, grabbed a jacket, and started walking through the park, which I had done so many times, I could probably do it blindfolded. So many times I had run down this path, either to beat someone else running, or to get to the Hanson's as fast as I could.
I walked up the driveway, and rang the doorbell. Mackenzie answered the door, smiling. He was getting so much bigger. He was just as cute as his brothers, a perfect match to Zac when we were younger.
He led me to their furnished basement, where Isaac and Nicole sat watching some movie. Isaac smiled and stood up when I got in the room.
"Hey, that was quick. Hold on." He turned off the TV, and motioned for me to sit down on the love seat next to the couch. I gave him a confused look, but followed suit.
"What's up? What'd you need to talk about?" I asked, slightly confused, and dreading what he had to say.
"Ok, well, I want to say this all. So, please, let me finish before you say anything. I'm really sorry if I'm wrong, but I need to put all the worries away," He looked me in the eyes, and I nodded for him to go on. "I know you've been kinda acting weird lately, and I didn't really know what it was. I really thought you were sick from something at the party. But at the lake, you were kinda off, and then at the movies. I know you may not have wanted Nic to say anything, but she told me you were crying. I'm sorry. I started to think a little bit more, and I don't think you got sick from food. I think something really did happen at the party. God, I don't want to think the worse, but I already have."
He looked up at me, and I was using everything I had to not let tears fall. He went on anyway. "Taylor and I were talking. He's been kinda bothered, saying you've been avoiding him a lot. Even little stuff, like kissing. Julie, please, you know care about you. You're another sister. I would do anything for you, and I don't want you or my brother hurting. I want to help. What happened, did you cheat on Taylor? Do you not want to hurt him? Or were you hurt? I just want to know, so I can help. I'll do anything, I promise."
I couldn't believe it. Isaac always thought too much. But, for him to think I was cheating on Taylor. Taylor must be thinking this too. I knew Taylor always went to him to talk, and this must have been the idea he was leading on. I didn't know what to do, what to say. Isaac had said so much. I tried to spit a few words out, through the tears, and flustered breathing that came with it. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. Isaac there isn't anything you can do. It's all over, it already happened. I want to move on. Ok, can we not talk about it? Really, I don't want to. I gotta go, I can't stay here, please. I think I am going to be sick." I stood up, but so did Isaac. He stood directly in my path, not letting me move.
"No, sit back down. You aren't going to get sick. I'm sorry Julie; I didn't want it to be like this. You have to tell me, or I'll tell someone else. Parents, I don't know. Taylor-anyone else who will help. Let me help you, or I'll find someone who will." He stated, staring me in the eyes.
"NO! God no, you cant tell anyone, not Taylor. Ever, nobody can know. Ok? Nobody..." I yelled, startling them with my voice. Isaac stepped back, and lowered his voice a little to help me calm down.
"Then what is it? Huh? Did you really cheat on him? What happened thats so bad, and nobody can know? I want to help, you have to let me." He pleaded.
"Isaac please," I started.
"No, we are talking about it, You aren't leaving till we get it all out."
The tears were streaming down fast. I sat back down, and put my head in my hands. "Fine. Ok, you want to know what happened?" My voice was full of anger, but I wasn't speaking much above a whisper. I didn't want anyone one else to know all the details. "You want to know what's bothering me, making me act like this? Making me hate anyone right now, and hate Taylor's arms on me. His kisses on me. Well, fine, I'll tell you. Its Mike. Mike did this. Are you happy, is that what you want to hear?"
"What?! What did Mike do, what did he do?" He stood up, staring at me. I looked up at
him, and he bent half-kneeded on the floor, so we were eye level. "What did he do Julie?"
I started to shake a little, scared with what I was about to reveal. "He hurt me. At the party. We just went for a walk, and he just hurt me." I heard Nicole gasp, and saw Isaac's eyes widen. "I said no, and he didn't listen. I didn't want it, it hurt. It hurt so bad... I could hear his voice, and his breath on my ear..." I was rocking, and Nicole was immediately at my side, trying to comfort me. "He pushed me up against the tree, and I was screaming. He told me I wanted it, I had made him feel that way. I gave him ideas. He threw me on the ground so hard! I didn't know who he was..." Isaac had walked over to the corner, looking out the window. His arms were crossed, his brows creased.
"Oh my god. We got to get you to the doctor, make sure you are ok." Nicole offered.
"I'll kill him, he wont get away with this, he can't hurt you." He spat out from across the room.
"No, we can't go anywhere. I said before, nobody will know. Nobody. I'm gonna to be ok, I've been on the pill. My mom was paranoid about how close me and Taylor were. She made me."
"Well, what about diseases?"
"I don't know..." I shrugged.
"Julie-"
"I dont know who to blame. Ok, I must've done something. I gave him the idea or something. Maybe I looked at him, and he took it the wrong way. I was dressed kinda nice that night. He told me I cheated on Taylor. He's right. Taylor would be so hurt if he found out. Everyone knows Mike and me were together for so long. Who didn't think we were gonna get back together? Nobody is gonna believe that he raped me. Everyone will believe him. Even Taylor, his best friend."
"Julie, we have to take you to the hospital just to make sure everything is ok."
"No, we cant, then everyone will find out! Nobody can know! Taylor will be so hurt, he'll hate me. He'll think I cheated on him, there's no way he'll believe this!"
"It's not about that. Julie, you love Taylor. I know it, he knows it. You wouldn't hurt him, and you wouldn't go after Mike. You said no, that's what counts. You said no, and he forced you. He's not gonna get away with this. I promise. He wont." Isaac told me, over again. "I promise, he won't. Let me page Taylor, he'll come home. We can tell him together, it'll be alright." Isaac was pleading with me now.
"Taylor can't know. And neither can anyone else. Ok? Its going to stay in here, and its not gonna be found out by anyone else. You and Nicole, and me. That's it." I got up. "I'm going home now, ok? I mean it, nobody will know."
"Wait, I have to bring Nicole home, let me drive you too. Please?"
Nicole stood up. "I'll grab our jackets." She said, walking out. I agreed to take the ride, and Isaac drove me home. He assured me it would be all right, as we pulled into the driveway.
I got in my room, and went upstairs. Taylor didn't call me back. I was beginning to get worried. We hadn't talked in almost 3 days. That was actually kinda unusual. I hoped he wasn't too mad at me about the other night. If he only knew...
I woke up, more shaken than usual. I had the same dream over and over again that night. It was getting worse, and I couldn't believe someone else knew. Isaac and Nicole both knew, I was praying they wouldn't say a thing. My parents were both off to work. The phone rang, and I went to pick it up.
"Hello?" I muttered, still half asleep. I pulled up the shades to see the day that perfectly matched my mood. Grey and rain. Fine.
"Julie, its Taylor." He said, I immediately was scared as to what Isaac may have said to him last night.
"Tay, hi. It's been a few days, I've missed you... a lot. I don't know what's wrong, but I don't want us to be mad." I said, hoping he would feel the same.
"Yea, I know. It's ok. I've just been thinking a lot. Isaac said you came over last night, but I wasn't home. I should have called, but it was really late. I didn't want to wake you up. I'm not mad at you. I think we should talk about things, but not now. I just wanted to call and make sure everything was ok. I've missed you too."
"Everything's been ok." I assured him, "nothing really's been going on. You want to do something? Today?"
"I want to, but I cant. I have to go talk to a few people down town and all. I know I'll be home kinda late. Late enough. But, tomorrow, ok? Can we just hang out, and talk about everything. Make sure we're ok? I just want to see you, to talk." He asked, sounding more concerned that usual. Did he know?
I smiled, he seemed to care so much. "Yea, sure. How about you pick me up, tomorrow after supper. We can just drive somewhere... How about the crystal caves, or something. OH no, weather's kinda off. Well, I'm sure we can think of something to do..."
"Ok, sure, sounds fine. I have to get ready and leave. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye." I hung up the phone, and grabbed some clothes to take a shower. This would be the perfect day to just lounge, no parents. Me all by myself.
To Love You
Email: writerjul@hotmail.com
