"Yesterday.Today.Tomorrow.Forever."
"Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow, Forever."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
I threw myself down on a seat at the lunch table. Getting home so late, had lead to barely any sleep. My mind was on way too many things. Point being: mainly why I felt I couldn't show any affection to Taylor in the first place. It's not like I didn't want to, it's almost as if I hadn't known where to start.
Right after Taylor found out about the Mike and the rape, he urged me to tell him how I feel. And I did; I told him almost any kind of touching made me remember things. So we basically stopped. Taylor couldn't just hold me and kiss me, he was well aware I would get fidgety, and it would be sent off into flashbacks. He cared about how I felt so much, and I loved him for that. Though, I was always scared he'd get bored with 'just hanging out', and break up with me.
But after awhile, I wanted him to hold me. I knew I was ok. He didn't. He was nervous to do anything in the first place. I just couldn't believe how ironic it was that the last couple of weeks, I didn't want him anywhere near me, and now, after breaking up with him, I would pretty much do anything to actually have him wrap his arms around me. Sometimes I was so dumb...
All day I had struggled just to get through school. I was so glad to finally be at lunch with my friends, and be able to get my mind off of tomorrow night.
Becca, Tim, Jake, Aaron, and Liz we all sitting around at chairs, involved in their own little conversations.
"Hey Julie..." Becca smiled, closing her notebook.
"Hey," I restlessly answered her.
"What's up, you look like you're ready to die..."
"I feel like dying... I'm so tired, I couldn't sleep at all last night. I have too much on my mind."
"Yea, so I heard." Tim allowed himself into the conversation that he was listening to anyway.
I cocked my head, looking directly at him. "Oh yea?"
"Taylor called me the other night, and he ended up telling me all about it. Sorry it ended like that. It's too bad..."
"Thanks." I mumbled.
"So how are you doing?" Becca asked, letting me know Tim hadn't kept it to himself.
"Ok, I guess. Trying to move along... that's about it..."
"Who woulda thought? 'Taylor and Julie' broke up, I never thought it would happen, you guys were pretty much inseperable... Are you guys still friends?"
"I'm not sure actually. I mean, we were, but now he's all pissed off at me, and I really don't have a clue why,"
Becca started to say something, before Meegan bounced over, allowing herself to sit closely to Tim. He slid away, knowing very well that if his girlfriend ever saw him near her, she'd kill him. Every girl (and guy, for that matter) knew Meegan's reputation, and warned their boyfriends/girlfriends right from the start about her.
"Hey Julie..." Her eyes beamed with overacting sympathy.
At first I had tried to ignore her presence, but knew it wasn't going to do much good.
"Hello Meegan." I looked down, tracing the sides of the table, and noting Becca roll her eyes.
"How are you feeling? Are you ok? You looked kinda upset the other day when you saw me and Tay at the mall." She was still staring at me, trying to pour as much fake kindness on as she could.
Tim gave me a look, but I tried to act like I didn't notice.
"Me and Tay." Just the way she said it. It was her saying "me and Tay" this time, not me. She knew exactly what she was doing to me, and enjoyed it.
"Fine." I smiled.
"That's good, cause I don't want it to be uncomfortable tomorrow night." I looked at her strangely, confused by why she would even care. I decided to let it pass, hoping if I showed I didn't care that she was sitting here, she would eventually go away.
"yea, I'll be fine."
"Good. What are you wearing, by the way..." She persisted.
Okay, this was getting annoying. "I'm not sure," I answered nonchalantly looking at her directly this time, "Why?"
She seemed to find all of this amusing, "Cause I have no clue what to wear either!" She laughed.
I know my eyes widened, as I did whatever I could not to show it, nearly choking on the milk I was trying to drink. "Yep, I can't really decide, I don't have much." I said, hiding all emotion that was trying to shoot out.
"Well, if you need any help picking stuff out, just call me. I know you arent one to dress up and all. But I want to look extra nice for Tay. You knew I was going, right?" She asked, loving every bit of information she had devoured.
Was she real? How much enjoyment was she getting out of this?
"No. Now I do though," I pulled on that ever-fake smile I always used. If she was going to act like this, I was going to show up right back. I don't care, I was actually pulling off this overnice attitude.
She matched it. "Well, I better get going, I need to get to my locker. See you tomorrow night," She got up, placing her hand on Tim's back for a second before leaving.
I placed my forehead on the table, closing my eyes and sighing.
"What was that about?!" Becca asked, trying to get me to lift my head back up.
"I have no clue. Ugh... I just can't wait for this day to end!" I announced, completely frustrated with Taylor. "I'll talk to you guys later..." I said, standing up as Tim nodded my way, and Becca smiled.
"Call me if you need someone to talk to," She offered, and I shook my head.
"What?!" Nicole's voice raised into the phone. I had immediately called the one person I knew would listen to me right after school.
"Yea! She's going, andTaylor asked her! What am I suppose to do, I can't go now..."
"I can't believe he's being such an ass!"
"I don't want you to be mad at me Nicole, but I really can't go."
"Julie-"
"Nicole, last time there were little things that were making this dinner ok, but now I have nothing to look forward too. I cannot go there, and see you guys all having a good time, and me sitting in my own created misery. Taylor has Meegan, and each of you have your own date. I don't."
"Isn't there someone you could ask, just for the one night?"
"I don't want to."
"Well, what are you going to do?"
"I said it already. I'm gonna call Isaac, and tell him I can't go. He'll understand."
"Wait a sec..." She questioned.
"What?"
"Let me see what I can do," She said, her mind already off somewhere into a plan.
"Like what?" I smirked to myself.
"I don't know, just give me some time to do something."
"It's tomorrow night, time is something we really don't have,"
"Yea, I know. I'm gonna call Isaac, and see what we can do. Don't let this get you even more down than you already are."
"Too late," I said, trying to lighten the situation.
"Bye," She offered, hanging up.
I had nothing to do but mope around. I didn't have anywhere to go, or anybody to hang out with. I was so mad at him, I had no clue what had changed him in just a couple days. I had no clue what I had said, or what I had done. I tried getting my mind off of things, but nothing would work.
I picked up Taylor's things, and placed them all in a plastic grocery bag. I was better off doing something with them, before I actually threw them across the room. While laying it on the chair in my room, something caught my eye. The small silver ring that was adorning my left hand. My mind drifted to the night he gave it to me...
My 16th birthday...
"I got you this, but I didn't want to give it to you in front of everyone," Taylor offered, as we sat on the steps of my porch. He had just walked me home from the small surprise party given for me by the Hanson's. Family, and some friends were there, including Mike, and Taylor's girlfriend at the time, Sarah. I opened the small velvet pouch, and let the small silver ring slide out onto my hand.
I laughed, "Nice cover-up."
"What?" he asked innocently.
"You know Mike woulda kicked your ass if he saw you give this to me." I joked, lightly punching him in the arm.
"Well, I guess that could be part of the reason I gave it too you now. I don't feel like getting my head beaten in anytime soon." He smirked.
He was right. Though Mike and Taylor were best friends, Mike never liked the amount of attention Taylor received. They were friends mainly because of me, and Mike knew there was nothing else that he could do. He began to realized that he came second to Taylor.
Everyone did.
"Well, thanks, it's really nice." I slid it onto my left ring finger.
"I know, that's why I got it. It just looked like something you would wear. Isaac said since it was your 16th, it had to be special. He helped me pick it out, so he gets some credit,"
"Well, tell him I said thanks too..."
"Sure..."
I stood up. "I better be getting inside, thanks for walking me home tonight, I knew if I had went home with Mike, he would have gotten kinda annoying." Though I didn't exactly say what I meant by "annoying," Taylor knew anyway. Mike got demanding, and pushy sometimes. "Sorry he showed up like that. I don't know why he would end up drinking so much, especially on a night like this."
"Hey, its ok. We're all kinda use to it by now." I was taken back by his statement, but knew he was just trying to be persistent, yet gentle. Friends or no friends, Taylor didn't like it when Mike got drunk, or how he treated me.
I leaned in, kissing him on the cheek. "Thanks, you're quite a guy, you know that... You'd make any girl happy, no wonder Sarah grabbed you when she could," I smiled.
"I know, I know." A smile playing on his lips. "Happy Birthday," He spoke, as I turned around to open my door.
"Thanks."
He waved, stuffing his hands in his pockets, and walking down the sidewalks.
I sat there, playing with the ring. I slipped it off my hand to take a closer look at it. Inspecting the inside, I read the small engraved insription.
Y T T F Love, Taylor.
It had been so long ago, yet it almost seemed like yesterday. Even all those nice times we had had together, I had never once thought that this is where me and Taylor would lead to, and now, how me and him would end up. I almost didn't notice the phone ring.
"hello," I answered, just before Nicole blurted out.
"Problem solved!" She announced, excitedly.
"What do you mean,"
"Well, I fixed things...kinda."
"Kinda?"
"We just got really lucky, that's all."
"Listen, I really don't want to go out of my way to make it to this 'little dinner.' I'm perfectly happy here at home."
"Just listen to this first. Erica can't go."
"So? How does that help? You see, I'm thinking that's a good thing, cause now the two older brother's can have a nice dinner out with their girlfriends. Have fun..."
"Ha, yea right, you think I would sit at a table with "her?" Nope, I fixed everything. After I told Isaac how mad we were about Taylor-"
"You told him?!"
"Well, yea."
"Now he's gonna go talk to Taylor, and Taylor's gonna be even more mad at me! Ugh, this is just not happening..."
"Don't worry about that. You see, now that Erica can't go, Zac doesn't have a date."
"And? Your point?"
"Well, why don't you be his date," She seriously suggested, before I burst out laughing.
"You're kidding, right? Um, first of all, it's Zac. Second of all, did you not notice how annoyed he was with me the other night too? He's so on Taylor's side. At the moment, he doesn't seem to want anything to do with me..."
"Nah, Ike told him about how you broke up with Taylor, and why; he's cool about your guys's breakup. All you have to do is call him, and ask him..."
"Ooh, is that all?" I sarcastically laid out.
"Yup, so are you gonna?"
"No. This is so stupid, where do you come up with your ideas Nicole? TV, right, cause that's only where pathetic stuff like this happens."
"I'm just really smart, that's all. Please Julie, you said yourself you miss Taylor, this could be your one chance to make things work."
"Huh," I laughed. "Right, I'll make things work, even though he's pissed at me, and has Meegan, his date, tagging along. This chance may be worth giving up."
"If you don't try, he's going to leave, and its going to be all hanging in the air like it is now. Please, Julie, just do it."
I thought for a second; maybe this wouldn't be so bad. Having Zac as a date would be fun, and I could see if maybe, just maybe, Taylor was a little nicer.
I sighed. "Fine, I'll try. But I'm not begging Zac to do this, and you know how he is..."
"Yea, I know, but don't worry, Zac'll be cool. Call me when you're done talking to him, I'll see you later..."
"Bye." I hung up.
It took forever to get a hold of Zac. The first times I called, it was busy, and then no one was answering. Finally around 8:30, Zac was in reach to take the call. It took forever for Mackie to even give him the phone though.
"Hello?" Zac's voice called out.
"It's Julie."
"Hey,"
"Listen, I got a small favor for you to do for me, Zaccy" I sang.
"Zac." He stated. "What?"
"So, I heard Erica can't go on Thursday,"
"Yea,"
"Well, what are you going to do?"
"What do you mean? Erica would kick my ass if I got another date."
"But, I have an idea."
"Shoot..."
"Well, I don't have a date either. So, you kinda, I don't know, want to be mine?"
"Uh, you think you could get someone around your own age, Julie. Why don't you just ask someone?" He laughed.
"I can't."
"Why?"
"Just because... So would you?"
"I don't know... I was kinda looking forward to staying home... you know, hang out with the family." I could tell he was smirking.
"Please... don't make me beg,"
"I think I'd like that."
"Zac!"
"Kidding, geez..." He laughed.
"So you'll do it?" I cheerfully asked again.
"Yea, sure why not. Actually, Isaac told me about it earlier, I just wanted to see if you would stoop low enough to actually ask me, and how far you'd go..." He seemed to be enjoying this way too much.
"Yea, well, thanks a lot. This is hard enough,"
"What is? Why does this seem to be such a bigger deal to you?"
"Nothing really... I'm just gonna miss you guys, that all..."
"Oh, that's all, huh?"
"Yea."
"k, sure." The was quietness for a sec, before he spoke the young mind he possessed, "you better dress hot." He stated.
I laughed. "What? For what?"
"Well, if I get the chance to go on a date with a 17yr old girl, whether it be you or not, I want it to rock. I need to brag about this, and get pictures..."
I rolled my eyes. "You think, huh? Whatever... everyone knows we're friends, if you get any pictures at all, they aren't valid. They know it wasn't a 'real' date."
"Hey, don't knock me down, you asked me out remember? So, it IS a date, thank you."
"Fine, if you say soo..."
"Well I do, I'll talk to you later..."
"See you tomorrow night..." I smiled.
"Yup, bye."
I turned around again, looking at my backside. "Are you sure this looks ok? I feel so weird..." A family of butterflies had taken shelter in my stomach, causing me to feel even more uneasy.
"Julie, you look perfect!" She beamed, almost proud of her creation. She stood there in a simple black dress, looking like a Calvin Klein model. I never doubted she would. She was always looking perfect.
And so I stood there, awkwardly checking myself out again in the mirror. Nicole had perfectly curled parts of my hair, letting it frame my face, and fall lightly against my back. My red velvet pants, looked nice with the black sweater, and black heeled shoes. I wasn't one to dress up much. I felt wrong, almost fake. I had to borrow Nicole's clothes because of that fact that I really didn't have any nice dresses of my own. I never needed them.
Isaac and Zac would be here at Nicole's dorm room any minute. It was so decided earlier on that day that we would meet Taylor and Meegan at Lucci's at about 5pm, after Isaac and Zac picked me and Nicole up.
"I don't know... It's just, I don't even know how to act. It's going to be too weird. Did you tell Isaac what I told you the other night? About everything I regretted?"
She meekly shook her yes, "Yea, but he swore he wouldn't say anything,"
"They're brothers, remember? This was Isaac's plan to begin with. He'll tell..."
"No he wont, especially after what a loser Taylor's been. Isaac has made no attempt on his part. Taylor knows he disagrees about bringing Meegan."
"This is gonna be so hard." I tried to hold any tears in. I had had too much of that this week, I didn't want any of it tonight.
"Well, you listen to me." She walked over, placing both hands on my shoulders, and forcing me to match her caring eyes. "Whatever happens tonight, whoever you end up with, whether it be Taylor, or just a good laugh with Zac, you know what his real feelings are. He may be pissed off, but he'll eventually get over it. Even if it takes four months to do so. But that's a long time to wait. So, if you want something to happen, it has to happen tonight. And, you have to make it happen."
I shook my head, trying to understand all she was putting forward. "I just don't know how... that's the problem..."
"We'll see what happens..." She smiled.
We heard her annoying buzzer go off, as she pressed a small button, unlocking the doors, and allowing Isaac and Zac to walk up. Nicole opened to door, and Isaac stood there, in black pants, and a navy shirt. Roses in his hand. He kissed her on the cheek, handing her the flowers. "You look beautiful," he smiled, as she hugged him.
Zac followed behind, walking past him, and rolling his eyes. With one hand in his pocket, he handed me a single rose with his other. "Don't I look beautiful?!?!" He laughed, mocking his older brother. Isaac turned a light shade of pink. I went to swat Zac's head, as he backed off fast. "You look good Jules, glad you took me up on the suggestion." He smirked, as Isaac gave us 'a look.' "Now, where's the camera?" He looked around, as I lightly punched him.
I took notice to Zac, and the black watch he always had on. "You couldn't even take it off for one night," I laughed. He looked nice, khaki cargo pants, and a black shirt.
"So, are we already to go?" Isaac asked, helping Nicole with her jacket.
I was sitting down on Nicole's bed, watching them with contentment. He just stared at Nicole so proudly. I could tell he was so in love with her. Isaac was always the one to fall the hardest, and fastest, for a girl; yet this seemed so different. This seemed so real for the both of them. He looked over at me, "you already?"
I shook myself out of the stare, and I stood up slowly, "I guess so," I dragged myself over to the closet. "Couldn't we just've gone out for coffee or somethin?" I suggested, pulling my smoke colored army jacket on over my outfit.
"Yea, right, maybe after though..."
"No, that's ok. Let's just go, eat dinner, then leave."
"I want to dance," Isaac smiled. "Don't you Nicole?"
"Yup."
"I want to get all my dances in with everyone before I leave. I hope Meegan won't mind if I cut in on them," he looked over at Nicole.
"Nah, she wont. And, I better get my dance in with Zac,"
I looked over at Zac, having not a clue what they were getting at. He was just as confused as me. "I refuse to dance tonight." He stated, crossing his arms, just as Taylor would.
All of a sudden, things started to fall in the place, "No really, guys that's ok! Zac doesn't want to dance, and if he does, it's with me."
"Oh, no, I insist." Isaac retorted.
"What are you guys talking about?" Zac asked, a little annoyed that he wasn't part of this conversation, or inside joke.
I looked over at them, rolling my eyes. "Nothing," I turned around to grab my wallet.
"No, I want to dance with Taylor. I heard he can really 'get down'," she laughed,
"What?!" Zac asked.
"Taylor doesn't dance. He wouldn't ever dance with me either." I mumbled, their small plan of getting Taylor and me to dance tonight was not going to happen as long as I could stop it. Taylor wasn't stupid, and this was beyond pathetic.
"Would somebody just please tell me what's going on?" Zac asked for the final time, giving his annoyed tone.
"Julie can't stand Meegan." Isaac stated, trying not to point out the obvious.
"Duh," he laughed, "Can anyone?"
"Ugh... I don't think I can handle this, c'mon, let's go, we better get this all over with, as hurtful as it is..."
"So there's more to it?" Zac inquired, not giving up.
"No," I looked away. "Not really..."
"Just tell me guys!" he asked, exasperated. We all looked around, making eye contact with everyone but him. "fine! Then don't!" He stood up off the bed.
I looked over at Nicole and shrugged. "Julie still loves Taylor, " Nicole explained, trying to get Zac to pick up on everything happening in and around the conversation. "She kinda misses him, that's all..."
"What?! Geez Julie, you just friggin broke up with him, now you want him back? Can't you make up your mind about things!" Zac's face searched me over, and allowed anger from the other night back in.
"I know Zac, I'm sorry, things are just so complicated lately. I don't really know how to explain everything, without sounding like a selfish brat, but I really regret all the things I've said."
"Yea, well, you've got perfect timing. We're leaving tomorrow, and you decide you want Taylor. Nice..." He turned away to the door.
"I know." I put my head down, listening to Zac. He was right. "Just, please don't be mad at me,"
"Ugh... Julie, I just don't get you sometime."
"No kidding... I don't either. Maybe I should just take some lessons from Meegan, she seems to know what she's doing."
He smiled, lightly hitting me in the arm. "Hey, don't worry about it. Taylor's just a jerk. He's asked Meegan to go, cause he knows it'll piss you off. And, well," he looked at Nicole and Isaac standing there, "it did. You guys know each other too much, and it's just playing against you this time."
I stood there smiling at him. Sometimes he knew so much it scared me. Zac had this original genuine act everyone wished they could have.
He went on, "But if it helps, I'm with you. I know exactly how Taylor gets over things like this, and I know that he cares about you. He just wants you to think he can handle things..." For the age difference between us, I'd say Zac was much more wiser than we thought.
I walked over, giving him a hug and kissing him on the cheek. "Thanks Zaccy..." I laughed, as he squirmed away.
"Zac. It's too bad you're just 'Julie'" He joked, "or this night would be too good to be true!"
"Oh thanks," I laughed, as we all walked out Nicole's door to Isaac's car.
To Love You
Email: writerjul@hotmail.com
