Women vs Men
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. ---------------------- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. ---------------------- What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n ----------------------- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. ---------------------- Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n ---------------------- Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. ---------------------- An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. ---------------------- A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. ------------------------ The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v ---------------------- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. ----------------------------------- What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. ----------------------------- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n ---------------------------------- Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. -------------------------- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. --------------------- On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. ---------------------- Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. ---------------------- The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -------------------------------------------- Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n -------------------------------------. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Men are like... (pls tick where applicable)
1.Men are like vacations:
hey never seem to last long enough.
2.Men are like computers:
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
3.Men are like chocolate bars:
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head straight for your hips.
4.Men are like coffee:
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.
5.Men are like horoscopes:
They always tell you what to do and they are usually wrong.
6.Men are like plungers:
They spend most of their time in a hardware store or the bathroom.
7.Men are like cement:
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
8.Men are like snowstorms:
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get,
or how long it will last.
9.Men are like parking spots:
The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.
10.Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Element : Man Symbol : Gy Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches. Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs) Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen. Physical properties : 1.Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others. 2.Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God. 3.Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol). 4.Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution. 5.Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz). 6.Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature. 7.Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick. 8.Rarely found in pure form after 14th year. 9.Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore. 10.When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied Chemical properties : 1.All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible. 2.May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions. 3.Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo. 4.Usually willing to react with whatever is available. 5.Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red. 6.Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody. 7.When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements. 8.Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers. 9.Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety. 10.Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness. Storage : 1.Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style. Uses : 1.Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo... 2.Can be used in recreational activities. Tests : 1.Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths. Caution : 1.Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
Element : Woman Symbol : WO Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 93 to 220. Discoverer : Adam Occurance : Copius quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in suburban and rural areas. Known to occuur in small, highly concentrated deposits in Urban areas (see Shopping Mall). Physical Properties : 1.Surface usually covered with painted film. 2.Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. 3.Melts if given special treatment. 4.Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care. 5.Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6.Yields to pressure applied at correct points. Chemical Properties : 1.Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and and many of the precious stones. 2.May explode spontaneously if left alone. 3.Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. 4.Insoluble in liquids, but displays a certain amount of increased activity when saturated with alcohol. 5.Repels cheap material, neutral to common sense. 6.Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man. Uses : 1.Highly ornamental, esp. in sports cars. 2.Can greatly improve relaxation levels. 3.Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances. 4.Can cool things down when it's too hot. Tests : 1.Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state. 2.Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Caution : 1.Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling. 2.Illegal to posses more than one. (Dangerous also.)
Women / Men I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am. I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam. I don't brag to my buddies about my erections. I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions. I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown. And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down! I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt. My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut. And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch, or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch. I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind. I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind! I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have body hair like shag carpeting. It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back. When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack. And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb. I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome. Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side. I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me, to have these two boobs and squat when I pee. I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball. I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal. I won't tell you my wife just does not understand, or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band. Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep, then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep! Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see. Forget all about that old penis envy. I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks. Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick. I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true. I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you! And now it's time for a rebuttal I'M GLAD I'M A MAN I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe. I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese. I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts. I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west. I don't get wasted after only 2 beers, and when I do drink I don't end up in tears. I won't spend hours deciding what to wear. I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair. And I don't go around checking my reflection in everything shiny from every direction. I don't whine in public and make us leave early, and when you ask why get all bitter and surly. I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing. I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring. I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back. I don't carry our differences into the sack. I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you or think every guy out there's trying to steal you. I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too. I know what the time is and I know what to do. And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two balls and stand when I pee. I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball. It's more fun than dealing with women after all. I won't cry if you say it's not going to work. I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk. Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure. I won't assume it's permanent by any measure. Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see. I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery. I don't get all bitchy every 28 days. I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise. I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true. I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
