1.    A pat on the back is only a few cm from a kick at the butt.

2.    Don't be irreplaceable.
       If U can't be replaced, U can't be promoted.

3.    It doesn't matter what U do.
       It only matters what U say U've done & what U're going to do.

4.    Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

5.    Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".

6.    To err is human,
       To forgive is not our policy.

7.    Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
       mail.

8.    If U are good, U will be assigned all the work.
       If U are real good, U will get out of it.

9.    The more crap U put up with,
       the more crap U are going to get.

10.   Be fast to correct your mistakes.

YOU & YOUR BOSS

When U don't do it, U're lazy;
When your boss don't do it, he's too busy.

When U make a mistake, U're an idiot;
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, U're overstepping your authority;
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When U take a stand, U're being bullheaded;
When your boss does it, he's firm.

When U overlook a rule of etiquette, U're being rude;
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When U please your boss, U're arse-creeping;
When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative.

When U're out of the office, U're wandering around;
When your boss is out of office, he's on business.

When U have one too many drinks at a social, U're a drunken bum;
When your boss does the same, he appreciated women.

Occupational Hazards

Submitted by: aily Humor (jwk@mindspring.com)

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die
 they just lose their balance.

OLD ACTORS never die
 they just drop a part.

OLD ACTUARIES never die
 they just get broken down by age and sex.

OLD ARCHERS never die
 they just bow and quiver.

OLD ARCHITECTS never die
 they just lose their structures. 

OLD BALLOONISTS never die
 they just get higher and higher.

OLD BANKERS never die
 they just lose interest.

OLD BASEBALLS never die
 they just get pitched. 

OLD BASKETBALL players never die
 they just go on dribbling.

OLD BEEKEEPERS never die
 they just buzz off.

OLD BLONDES never fade
 they just dye away.

OLD BOOKKEEPERS never die
 they just lose their figures.

OLD BOTANISTS never die
 they just wither away. 

OLD BOWLERS never die
 they just end up in the gutter.

OLD CARDIAC SURGEONS never die
 they just get bypassed. 

OLD CASHIERS never die
 they just check out.

OLD CASHIERS never die
 they just get distilled. 

OLD CHAUFFEURS never die
 they just lose their drive.

OLD CHICKENS never die
 they just get fried. 

OLD CLEANING PEOPLE never die
 they just kick the bucket.

OLD CLOTHIERS never die
 they just lose their shirts.

OLD COMPUTER USERS never die
 they just lose their memory.

OLD COOKS never die
 they just get deranged.

OLD COWS never die
 they just kick the bucket.

OLD DAIRYMEN never die
 they just get butter and butter. 

OLD DAREDEVILS never die
 they just get discouraged.

        
1.Page yourself over the intercom.
  Don't disguise your voice.

2.Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same 
  outfits.
  Wear them one day after you boss does. (This is especially
  effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.)

3.Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them
  only by these  names. 
  "That's a good point, Sparky." 
  "No, I'm sorry, but  I'm going to have to disagree with you
   there, Cha-cha."

4.Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly
  what you're  doing. 
  For example: "If anyone needs me,I'll be in the bathroom."

5.Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as
  much since you did this.

6.While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive
  liquid. Call  everyone Madge.

7.Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge
  to get coffe or a printout or whatever, slap yourself
  randomly the whole way.

8.Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell
  people you're waiting for your document.

9.Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask
  them if they want fries with that.

10.Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in
   an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker
   and ask her to settle thedisagreement.

11.Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized
   chair- dancing.

12.Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

13.Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14.Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or
   cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work
   complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your
   stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15.Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone
   has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

"You may be an engineer, if ... 

1.You refer to your spouse as "woman@home.wife" or 
  "man@home.husband". 

2. When your family is expecting, you are more interested in 
   the ultrasound equipment than the test results. 

3. Your pocket is full of too many mechanical pencils. 

4. When your 3-year old asks, "Why is the sky blue?", you 
   start explaining it to him/her. 

5. You can explain which direction the water spins as you 
   flush the toilet, and why. 

6. If you go to the air show and start calculating how fast 
   the sky divers are falling, you may be an engineer; if you
   start telling all the people around you, you definitely 
   are. 

7. If you need a spreadsheet to figure out who owes what for 
   lunch. 

8. If you plan your family vacation on a Gantt chart. 

9. If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you 
   to dinner 

10.If you want an 32X CDROM for Christmas 

11.If you stare at an orange juice container because it says 
   CONCENTRATE 

12.If your calculator has more computing power than a 
   486DX-50 

13.If you don't even know where the cover to your personal 
   computer is 

14.If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor
   driven 

15.If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science 
   Fair project 

16.If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts 

17.If you see a good design and still have to change it 

18.If you have more toys than your kids 

19.If you need a checklist to turn on the TV 

20.If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see 
   how they work 

21.If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight 

22.If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your 
   anniversary 

23.If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own 
   handwriting 

24.If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 
   3rd time this week 

25.If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone 

26.If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio 

27.If your 4 basic food groups are: 
   1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Chocolate 

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