She bit her lower lip and let the tears fall as the words poured out of her. "Dawson, I don't want to lose you. I love you too much to let sex ruin our relationship. I don't want you to settle for me, though... You could do so much better..." The words and tears began to flow faster, releasing Joey of all the fear and timidness she felt. "I'm just Joey. You know, the too tall girl from the wrong side of the creek. You're... you're wonderful. For a guy, you're sweet, sensitive, understanding. You're really good looking too. I'm so lucky. But Dawson, as much as I don't want to lose you, I decided I don't want you to wait for me. I don't know when I'll be ready to have sex with you. I thought I was...but now I'm not sure. You shouldn't have to wait because of me. And I--"
"What?! Jo, what are you talking about? Do you think all I care about is sex? I care about *you.* Not what you can give me. All I want is just you. I don't want some other girl. I want to feel*your* hands on me, I want *your* lips on mine, I want to feel *you* beside me, WHEN you're ready. I told you we would wait until we're both ready. I was so stupid last night to try to rush things. I'm sorry if I scared you." Dawson took her face in his and kissed her lightly on the forehead. She swallowed the big lump in her throat and wiped away the tears on her face.
"Are you sure?
"God, Jo, how can you even ask that? You are *everything* to me! Everything!" Dawson got up from the bed and pulled her with him. He placed his arms around her waist and looked her directly in the eye. "I would be lost without you. I'm the one who doesn't deserve you. You are smart, funny, kind, strong, understanding, compassionate, sassy, and so beautiful. You are the most breathtaking site to me. I don't know how I could have ever been so stupid not to see it. The sight of you, as cliched as it may sound, takes my breath away. When people look at you and stare it makes me so proud to call you my girflfriend. I can't even describe it. You are the only person that has gotten under my skin so much that it makes me crazy. And you are the only girl that has ever truly been in my heart."
Joey stared at him wide-eyed and tried to remember to breathe. She pulled him close and rested her head on his shoulder.
"Dawson, I'm scared. What's happening to us?" she murmured.
"I guess this is what they call growing up."
Joey pulled away and sat back down on the bed pulling Dawson along with her. "Okay, but where does that leave us with the sex thing?"
Dawson sighed and ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. "The sex thing? I don't know. I think we're both not ready right now. These past two nights have proved that fact for sure. We'll take it slow... I mean if that's what you want."
"Oh no, not you too. My insecurity must be spreading," she grinned slightly. Joey noticed the doubt in his eyes and took his hand in hers. "Dawson, you are the only person on Earth that I want to call my lover. It feels so right. You've always been my best friend, now you're my boyfriend, it only seems natural you become my lover also. Each level of our relationship is now deeper and deeper. You are the only one that I ever want to touch me in that way. And I do want you to touch me Dawson. Sometimes I... I ache to feel your hands on my body." Joey watched for his reaction. His eyes were dark and serious, but at that last part he looked absolutely stupified.
"You... Jo, did you just say that you *ache* to feel my hands on you?" Dawson stared at her, startled by her words. Joey immediately blushed.
"Well, I, uh... Did I really say that?" she laughed nervously.
Dawson laughed and his eyes sparkled as he spoke. "Joey *aches* for me. Wow. So how long have you *ached* for me, Joey?" he teased her.
She hit him on the head with her hand. "You ass. I'm never gonna live that one down, am I?"
He pinched her lightly on the arm and then wrapped his arms around her. "I ache for *you,* Joey. All I dream about is you. You and me with our, uh, hands on each other."
Joey grinned. "Really? Well, I'm afraid for now, despite all this aching," they grinned at each other, "we're just going to have to wait."
They looked at each other and nodding their heads. Joey looked uncomfortably around her, as did Dawson. Slowly their eyes drifted back to each other. It only took a split second before their lips found each other again and they kissed. Knowing that they had to pull apart sooner or later, they did only a short time later. Dawson smiled slightly.
"Jo, I know I can wait for you. My hormones tell me it's going to be next to impossible. But I'll put up with all the cold showers until we both decide the time is right..." Dawson trailed off glancing down at his hands. "Unless you grow tired of me or something...," he mumbled.
Joey gave him her crooked half smile and took his hand and placed it over her heart. He stared at her in shock and started to say something.
"Shhh. Don't speak." She took a deep breath and stared into his eyes. "Dawson, do you feel this? My heart beats for you. It always has, and it always will."
His face lit up with happiness at the recollection and they leaned their heads close to one another. He kissed her cheek tenderly. "Thank you, Joey. I love you." Joey felt herself begin to cry again. He gently wiped her eyes and kissed her lightly on the mouth. Finally, they let each other go and settled back against the bedframe in each others arms. Joey giggled softly thinking about what she had said.
"Wow Dawson, I never realized how incredibly cheesy that line is until I said it. Where do you come up with this stuff?"
He hit her gently on the arm. "Hey, it's only a line if you don't mean it." She looked back at him and disbelief and they both burst out laughing. When their laughter finally subsided she turned around to face Dawson.
"Dawson, promise me that we'll stop all this analyzing. It makes our lives too dramatic and complicated."
He smiled and tightened his arms around her. "I promise, Jo. We're growing up, you're right. I need to outgrow this self awareness and analytical phase of my life..." he trailed off, raising his eyes to the ceiling in deep thought. "...But should I really? Isn't it better to analyze? We may think we get ourselves nowhere and end up like a X-Files episode each time, right back at the beginning... But maybe not. I've always thought that..."
Joey rolled her eyes as Dawson continued to overthink. He had tilted his head to the side and placed his finger thoughtfully below his chin. Joey had always thought it was annoying when he overanalyzed *everything,* but she had to admit that he looked downright adorable right now. She sat back against the pillow and watched him think, sighing contentedly.
"Well, we may be growing up, but some things will never change," she muttered resting her head against Dawson's shoulder as he continued thinking.
"...What is over thinking? I mean what is it to think? Can the thinking get so extreme that it turns into over thinking? And why is that a bad thing?...In all of Speilberg's movies, when characters make rash decisions, bad things happen. Speilberg's the master. He must be right. Analyzing and being self aware are wonderful traits. It's a sign of high intelligence," he glanced over at Joey, "Right?"
Joey's eyes were closed and she was sleeping peacefully. Dawson chuckled softly and put his arm around her and stayed that way until sleep claimed him also.
***Fumbling Towards Ecstasy
***
All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
it's my mouth that pushes out this breath
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
Companion to our demons
they will dance, and we will play
With chairs, candles, and cloth
making darkness in the day
It will be easy to look in or out
upstream or down without a thought
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
Peace in the struggle
to find peace
comfort on the way
to comfort
and if I shed a tear I won't cage it
I won't fear love
and if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love
I won't fear love
I won't fear love...
