***
A few hours later Joey was still beside herself with pain, as was Dawson, but she was feeling better than she had before. No amount of cheering up from Dawson would comfort her, or take away the reality that her mother was really gone, but she enjoyed the effort he put into it.
Dawson had brought up some comfort food to his room, and they stuffed themselves with ice cream and all sorts of stuff. He tried to lighten the mood the best he knew how. He wanted to see her laugh, and smile, even if it was only fleeting at best. He amused her with his E.T. doll, and they played old childish games that they should have already outgrown, but hadn't. Dawson knew how much Joey loved it when they played Jaws in the closet. It was one of their all-time favorite movies, and they could recite almost every line. That brought a small smile to her face. Soon it got very late and Joey looked exhausted.
"Jo, do you want to go to bed? You look really tired." Dawson commented as they sat back down on the bed.
Joey looked around Dawson's room, nervously fidgeted with her hair, and tried to swallow down the lump that was in her throat. "Um, yeah, I probably should. It's just... I know it sounds stupid but I'm afraid to got to sleep." Joey felt a tear slip out of her eye and she turned her back on him.
Dawson's heart melted and he reached out for her hand. "It's not stupid, Jo," he said seriously. "I understand. You don't want to dream, right?"
Joey nodded her head and looked into his eyes. "It's not just that. I... I don't want to think about... 'it.'"
He nodded his understanding and drew her into his arms. He gave her a tight hug and kissed her on the top of the head. "It's okay. But you know, sooner or later... you have to think about it. You can't not sleep."
She pulled out of his arms and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I know, Dawson. I know," she said sadly and got that far-away look in her eyes again.
"Joey, you know I'm going to be here for you, always. Always. You're my best friend and I share everything with you. I wish that you would do the same with me. Unload on me, Jo. That's what I'm here for."
Joey looked back over at Dawson and sighed. "Thanks. I appreciate it Dawson. I really do. But you're right, I'm really tired. Maybe we can talk tomorrow. Right now all I want to do is close my eyes and try to get some sleep. Maybe I'll even have a good dream." Joey smiled optomistically. Dawson still wasn't satisfied with her response, but he knew enough to let her be.
"No offense, Jo, but you look kind of like a wreck. Why don't you sleep in one of my shirts tonight?" he offered, getting up from the bed.
Joey nodded her head. "Sure. Thank you." Dawson went about finding her a shirt in his bureau and Joey fell back onto the bed. She curled herself up into a ball and tried to make herself feel a little better. She didn't want to think. She didn't want to do anything. She didn't want to sleep. All she wanted in the world was to not feel the pain she was feeling. It was like a void was left in her heart...in her life. It wasn't that her love for her mother had subsided with her death. No way. Joey would love her mother forever. The love had even gotten stronger by losing her. It hurt though. All that love she felt, it was the same amount as the pain she felt. She felt angry, frustrated, and more than anything she felt empty. Joey felt the tears begin to form at the edge of her eyes again. She wiped them away but the lump in her throat was still there. She tried swallowing a few times, but it just made it worse.
"Here, you can try this on. I'll go change in the bathroom, okay?" Dawson handed her a long nightshirt, which she took gratefully.
After he left the room Joey sat up on the bed and slowly peeled off her clothes. Her whole body was exhausted. Piece by piece the clothing fell to the floor in a big heap. She didn't even bother picking them up. It was like she was in a daze and she couldn't get out of it. Joey picked up Dawson's shirt that he had placed next to her and before putting it on she held it up close to her face and inhaled the scent.
Smelling it made her think of him in a way that she never had. He had always been there for her. Throughout every tough moment in her life. He never judged, or looked down upon her and her family because they weren't in the same social "class" as his. He never treated her any differently because she was a girl, either. He never was intentionally crude to her, or put her down. Being a 12 year old boy, and having a girl as his best friend was not a very popular thing. Dawson didn't care, though. He never cared about stupid stuff like that. That was what made him so special.
He was her rock. There was no way she would be able to get through this without him. He made her feel so special, cared for, and even loved, when she thought she had no one. From the moment she stepped in through the window he just knew what to do. He knew her so well, it was almost like they were connected spiritually. She saw how hurt he was by her mother's death. And he had never been very close with her mother. But knowing that he was hurting because she was made her love him even more. She loved her best friend for just being who he was.
Joey shook herself out of her thoughts and felt a little surprised that she had even begun to think that way about Dawson. She quickly slipped the T-shirt over her head and started to pull the elastics, that held her braids up, out of her hair.
"Hey, Joey? Can I come in?" Dawson lightly tapped on the door and whispered from outside the room.
Joey cleared her throat and hoarsely answered. "Yeah."
Dawson walked back through the door, placed his clothes in the hamper and walked back over to the bed. He placed an arm on her shoulder. "You okay?"
Joey tried to smile. "Yeah. I'm okay." She tried to yank the the elastic out of her hair. "Ugh! I can't get it out."
Dawson laughed. "Let me try." He kneeled behind Joey on the bed and tried to help. Surprised, Joey dropped her hands to her lap and bit her lip. Dawson carefully smoothed her hair to one side and focused on getting the knot that was holding the elastic, out of her hair.
"Does this hurt?" he asked softly.
She shook her head lightly. "No. It doesn't hurt at all. You know I never could braid my hair good. That's the reason it's all messed up, and the braid's are always falling out now. I always had to have my mom help me..." Joey trailed off, feeling the lump in her throat begin to tighten.
Dawson closed his eyes momentarily. God, he wished he could do something to help her. This wasn't fair. He would give anything to bring Joey's mother back for her. He sighed and began to work on getting that elastic out, again. A few more quick movements and he had it out.
"I got it. Here you go." Dawson handed the elastic to her and she looked up from behind at him. Their eyes locked for a few seconds. Joey wanted to wrap her arms back around him, so she would feel safe. His arms were the only place where she felt safe, lately. Dawson could see the tears shining in her eyes. He felt his own lump in his throat begin to form.
"Well, uh, let's get you into bed. Alright?" Dawson got up from his kneeling position behind her, and pulled the covers back on the bed. Joey walked over to her side of the bed and settled in. Once they were both snug in bed, Dawson turned out the light.
"Goodnight, Joey. Have a good rest, okay?" He looked over at her and saw her that her back was turned away from his. He had to fight his gut instinct to lean over and hold her in his arms. He wanted to help her deal with this, but knew that she had to deal with it in her own way. So, he let her be, and silently prayed that she would have a good night's sleep.
