Loving, Losing, and Living Chapter 2

***
Joey closed her eyes as Dawson's fingers touched her under the arm. She couldn't believe this was happening. She was too young! She and Dawson had their whole lives ahead of them. This wasn't fair... It couldn't be true. It just couldn't...

"Jo?" Dawson whispered gently looking at her. He placed his other hand on her chin and lifted her face to meet his. Joey peered out hesitantly. Dawson's heart nearly broke when he saw the look of utter fear on in her eyes. "Joey? Does this hurt?" he asked, trailing his fingers under her arm.

"No..." she managed to say. This was not fair!! Seconds ago she and Dawson were enjoying being together, discussing their future...and now,...now she could die. That thought hit Joey like a ton of bricks. She felt herself begin to cry, but she held back the tears for Dawson's benefit. This was hard for him too, and she didn't think she could handle him crying. She needed the comfort of his strong arms and optomistic mind.

Dawson continued to slowly trace the inside of her underarm. He wanted to know for sure. He had to know for sure. Dawson had never been a patient child. He always wanted to know everything right away...like the night he and Joey had been brought together...
***

...The kiss seemed to last forever. Her lips were so soft and gentle and sweet. Dawson felt like he was on a sugarhigh. How could he have ever known that his best friend, the girl who was always right in front of him, who slept in the SAME bed with him for years, was the one he wanted,desired, and most importantly loved with his whole being. Dawson had been such a clueless idiot,...but no more.

He wrapped his arms all the way around Joey and pulled her closer and closer and closer...he wanted to pull her right into him. He wanted to bear his soul to her. He usually told Joey everything but after these un-friendlike feelings had surfaced he had suppressed them and kept everything to himself...but for no more. No more.

Dawson trailed his tongue around the inside of her mouth. Joey moaned in pleasure...she couldn't believe what was happening. She was kissing Dawson. Dawson!! She played with the blond curls on his forehead and welcomed his close embrace. She could feel his hard lean body pressed against hers, raging with desire, and she couldn't help but feel victorious and happy. He wanted to press his body up against *her*. He didn't want Jen. He wanted to wrap his arms around Joey. He wanted to press his body against Joey. He wanted to taste Joey's mouth and lips...he wanted *Joey*.

She pulled him over to the bed gently and laid down it. Dawson looked at her, wide-eyed, not knowing what to say. Were there even words to describe the way he was feeling? He wasn't sure. All he knew was that he was kissing and holding the love of his life. Things hadn't felt more right in a long time.

She shrugged out of her jeans jacket and let it drop to the side of the bed. Dawson hesitated before laying next to her and kissing her slowly and passionately. He wanted to make sure she was feeling the same way about him, but he was getting lost in her touch, her smell, the way she felt...

"Joey, I need to know. How do you feel about me? Do you love me the way I love you?"

Joey felt her heart swell with love and happiness. She had waited a long time, a very loooong time to hear those words. She laughed at the situation. Here she was throwing herself at him. Letting him kiss and touch her in the way that made her shiver and that she wanted..., and he was *questioning* if she loved him. How ironic... She was so happy to know he wanted it too. He wanted her.

"God, Dawson, I can't even tell you how happy I am that you're not Capeside's official clueless putz anymore," she laughed, before kissing him again. He gave her his wounded puppy dog look but her laughter was contagious and soon both were rolling on his bed laughing their asses off.
***
That seemed a long time ago now. And it was. It was 3 years ago. They were just high school sophomores then. Dawson wistfully wished he was still 15. Life was so simple then. They'd never even thought about losing each other to a disease. It was going to be hard enough to be apart because of college. But losing her...*really* losing her for *good*?? He'd rather die.

He loved growing older. Every year him and Joey seemed to grow closer...but along with growing older came more responsibilities and challenges. Their physical relationship had flourished as had every aspect of their relationship. Their love and bond just seemed to flourish with age. It excited and scared Dawson at the same time. He knew in his heart that he would always love Joey. He couldn't ever remember a time in his life that he didn't love her in some way. Romantic or otherwise. He was a little scared of what the future held for them and their relationship, however. Right now Dawson wished that was the biggest of his troubles.

But the biggest of his troubles and fears was right under his index finger. Dawson had found the lump.

It was small. Just under the skin and kind of hard. Not hard like bone, more hard like cartilige. It was the size of an oval. He couldn't see any visible discoloring or protrustion above the skin. It was just under the skin, but it still scared the hell out of him. He looked at her underarm, down to his index finger that had touched the possibly cancerous spot, and back up at Joey. Her eyes were wide and her lower lip was quivering.

"Oh, Jo, I'm so sorry..." Dawson wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of Joey's head.

"Dawson it's ok. I,...I,...Let's just go to bed, okay? she reached for her shirt and pulled it over her head quickly. He looked at her, feeling totally powerless and impotent, he wanted so much to make her feel better. But right now he was feeling pretty shaky himself. He took a deep breath trying to suck the pain up and be strong for Joey. She had helped him through everything in his life and he had helped her, but somehow this didn't measure up against an adulteress mother. This was life and death.

Life or death.

"Dawson can I borrow your shirt?" Joey slowly got off the bed, avoiding eye contact. Her movement broke his train of thought and he silently watched her turn her back to him and unhook her bra and drop it to the ground.

'Could she have breast cancer?' Dawson thought. He really didn't know about this stuff, but he didn't think that a lump under the arm, not near the breast, was breast cancer. He tried not to stare at sides of her breasts from behind. She was breathtaking to him. Everytime they had gotten close enough for him to actually touch her there, she always took his breath away... What if she had breast cancer? What would that mean for her? Would she have to wear bandages or have surgery?... 'Wait! You're jumping the gun here, Dawson. It could be anything! It might not be a lump. It might be a infection under the skin. Maybe Joey cut herself shaving? That happens all the time to me when I shave. It could be a ingrown hair causing the protrusion... Or it could be...something else...' he thought.

"Dawson, can you hand me the shirt next to you?" Joey asked with her back still to him. Her arms were crossed across her chest and her head was down. He sighed and handed her the shirt. He wanted to talk about this with her. He wanted to know what she was going to do. She couldn't let this go. It may be her body, but this was his girlfriend! The woman that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He wanted to make sure she was going to be ok.

A zillion and one thoughts were wizzing through Joey's mind. When she had removed her bra she couldn't help but glance at her breasts. They seemed ok. No weird shapes, colors, hairs... Same old breasts as usual. All of a sudden Joey wished she had taken those self breast examinations more often. She wanted to take one now, but not with Dawson in here, and it would be too weird to ask him to leave. She'd just have to wait and somehow get through this night. She stuck her hands through his blue button down shirt and buttoned it to her navel, then she shrugged off her jeans and climbed to her side of the bed.

"Night Dawson," she carefully said. She hoped he got the message. She didn't want to think or deal with this now.

He looked at her dumbstricken. How could Joey go to sleep at a time like this??? She had to...she had to, she had to do *something*. Dawson was about to protest her decision but decided against it and hoped maybe sleep would be the best thing for them right now. As long as they didn't dream...
***