Etiquette for the Nineties
Do you think people today are a bunch of jerks? Do you think they have no
structure in their lives and they do whatever they want at any time? Think again. People
today adhere to a very strict set of rules, a shortened version of which follows. If you
want to be a well-adjusted person in these modern times, you will have to memorize these
rules and practice them every day.
Avoid All Causes for Complaint
Show an equal amount of respect to your neighbors, friends, and family. Your
spouse should not have to worry that you act agreeable and beautiful in public but do not
act nearly as remarkable at home. This problem can be avoided very simply: act like a
swine in public, and your spouse will find you charming or at least passable at home in
comparison. Acting like a swine can take some time to become accustomed to, but you
will find, after you have practiced it for a few days, that it truly is a quite liberating as
well as useful behavior. If you are not sure how to begin, give yourself a few hours
everyday to watch daytime talk shows, such as the Jenny Jones show and the Jerry
Springer show. The people on these shows will teach you invaluable lessons on many of
the basics of Nineties Etiquette: how to act toward others on public television, how to act
toward your spouse/sister/prison-mate (or a person who is any combination of these), how
to respond to both compliments and insults, and how to dress.
Behavior on Public Television
Every once in a while, you may have the opportunity to appear on public
television for one reason or another. Perhaps your cat just had 72 kittens, or you have a
moldy piece of cheese in your refrigerator which looks remarkably like Pee Wee Herman,
or your transvestite brother-in-law just cheated on your sister with his neighbor’s teacher
(who also happens to weigh 573 pounds), but whatever the case, this is a rare opportunity
to voice your thoughts to the world. You should exploit it to your best advantage. Take a
hint from the talk show guests and feel free to yell obscenities and any opinions you may
have at that moment into the host’s/anchor’s microphone for as long the television
network will allow you to do so.
How to Act Toward Your Spouse, Sister, Prison-mate and Anyone Else
Sometimes, after having spent a long, hard day at the office/farm/gas
station/slinky factory, you will have neither the desire nor the energy to act half-way
decent toward your spouse. This is perfectly fine. Hey, the guy married you, didn’t he?
He should have known what to expect. However, there are still rules about how to
conduct yourself unpleasantly. As earlier mentioned, you can gain a great deal of
knowledge from the guests on daytime talk shows. For instance, these people, like you,
do not like their spouses at all. Some of the less outgoing ones only sit and glare at their
partners, but the people you should really take note of are the loud ones. They have
enough confidence to say, loudly and proudly, to their beloved sweethearts, “I hate you
and I wish you would die a horrible and torturous death!” You should try to emulate this
kind of assertiveness whenever you have an emotion you would like to express to your
spouse. This same rule applies when addressing your sister, prison-mate, grandmother,
rabbi, boss, and anyone else about whom you have strong feelings.
Responding to Compliments
This is a fairly simple process. When a person pays you a compliment, it is
obviously true or else he/she/it would not have said it. Therefore, you should
acknowledge the comment by saying something to the effect of, “Yes, I know; I am
gorgeous” and then, if the person seems slightly taken aback at your astonishing
politeness and you deem it necessary, you can add, “but most people aren’t as attractive
as I am, so don’t feel bad.” This will demonstrate your kindness and remarkable mastery
of today’s etiquette, and the person will worship you even more than before.
Responding to Insults
This is also pretty straightforward. As you can see if you have watched any
daytime talk shows at all, it is completely appropriate to respond emphatically to any
insult you might receive. You can take your choice of expletives, spit back an equally or
more insulting comment, use body language, physical violence, or--for a particularly
stunning display--combine two or more of these elements. If you can’t think of any
creative insults, you will find that, yet again, talk shows will provide you with a multitude
of witty things to say and do.
How to Dress for an Informal Occasion
It is, of course, always important to look good, but you need not dress in formal
clothing for everyday occasions. When you are doing housework (or screaming at your
children to do it for you), for instance, you may wear a simple but elegant outfit, such as a
pair of sweatpants with a T-shirt of a contrasting color. If you find this type of apparel
too confining or dressy, you may also choose to clothe yourself in whatever happens to be
nearest to you when you wake up in the morning; this can include anything from a
blanket (which can be attractively bunched up around the waist to resemble a toga) to
paper grocery bags (simply take two, cut holes in them, and you have an entire matching
outfit).
How to Dress for a Formal Occasion
While a paper-bag outfit is fine for going to the grocery store or driving your
children to school, you will need something more formal for fancier occasions. Since
appearing on a talk show is something very important which only extremely distinguished
and tasteful people have the privilege of doing, guests obviously dress quite well for the
affair. Therefore, it is a safe move to use these people as a sort of “guide” to picking out
your own formal attire. If you are a man, you must wear a top (at least for the first few
minutes of the event), but there is a wide variety to choose from, including tank tops and
T-shirts with band logos on the front. You also must wear some form of pants or shorts,
preferably of a bright color such as school-bus-yellow. If you are a woman, you have an
even wider set of options from which to choose. You may take the pants-and-shirt route
as well, but if you want to look really fabulous you should wear a dress or skirt. The
neckline of your dress should extend approximately to your navel, and the bottom of the
skirt or dress should not go more than three inches past your waist. It is also preferable
that the material of the dress be thin, tight, and sparkly; this combination gives a subtle
suggestion of a beautiful, classic femininity to anybody who sees you.
Rules for Summer Vacations
The wonderful thing about vacationing in a place other than your neighborhood is
that the surroundings can be exciting and different than what you know, and the people
don’t know you so it doesn’t matter if you do something you might otherwise regret. If
you are lucky, you may be able to stay in a motel; these establishments tend to have
charming details such as unique odors emanating from the beds, and adorable rats which
sit behind the toilets. If you happen to make any acquaintances on your trip, you must
remember the correct process of visiting. If your acquaintance has a nicer room than you
do, feel free to invite yourself there. The person will not be able to refuse, and you will
be able to experience even more comforts and delights than you already have. If the
acquaintance mentions stopping by your room instead, immediately make a remark about
your spouse’s highly infectious virus which causes him/her/it to jump up and down at
random intervals and act like an elephant between episodes.
You may not be the most cultured person in the world. But if you read these rules
of Etiquette for the Nineties religiously and follow them as much as possible, you will
soon notice that people look at you with something extra in their expressions--and that
something may just be respect.
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Email: sneakyfish@aol.com
