'jokes!'

There was a young man from crab
Who looked so incredibly drab
He walked with a limp
His hair had a crimp
and was totally coated with flab


Bill had ignored everyones advice. "Don't enter that damned room" they said. Stern warnings from everybody he had spoke to. Indeed, even Careless Keith had cautioned him about the room. But Bill thought he knew better. As he entered the door, he immediately regretted going into 'The Chamber of the Living Onions!'

The man from Pendennis entered the lighthouse and demended "Shine your light on me!" Well of course the lighthouse keeper's priority was to the safety of ships, so he rasped "I'm sorry, but the light needs to keep moving" Unhappy with this answer, he repeated "Shine your light on me!" Seeing that he couldn't win, the keeper strapped a torch to the man from Pendennis' chin and switched it on. "There's your light, now piss off!"

An young butterfly was returning to it's nest when it saw something shining on the ground. As curious as a puntkin, it ascended and found a tiny golden crown. Putting the crown on it's head, it thought "Now I can be the king butterfly!" However, who would he rule over? All the other butterflies were dead!

A man, possibly known as 'Cheeselung McXzxy' was working in his windmill, milling wheat into flour for the villagers. When he turned his back, his spherical dog 'Lampshade' fell into the crushing gears, powdering him into flour. Now instead of being a dog, he was 'ground round hound'!

The man with walrus lungs entered the shop and asked for 2 ice-creams. "Why do you need two?" rasped the assistant. "One for me - one for my ice-cream fuelled car!" Well, the assistant was shocked. "That sounds very futuristic!" he enthusiatically replied as he peered out of the window to catch a glimpse of it. Upon seeing the vehicle, he died. The man with walrus lungs had forgot to tell him that it was made from a visual death morror!

A man, possibly known as 'Kretch Thighleg' was mowing his lawn, when an extremely imposing character knocked on his door. Turning off the mower, he approached the man and asked what he wanted. "I want to live in this house!" boomed the mystery character. "I'm sorry, but my house is not for sale" rasped Kretch Thighleg. The man simply repeated his statement "I want to live in this house!" and then smashed his fist on the window ledge, cracking it and smashing a glass. Kretch Thighleg took off his spectacles, looked the man square in the eye and said "You people from Pendennis - you're all the same. You want this, you want that. Well let me tell you, as long I live you'll never have my house, you bastard!"

The man from Pendennis approached the soccer boxoffice and demanded "I shall have 5 tickets for the match, and I'll have them NOW!" 'How rude' thought the ticket clerk. "I'm sorry, but the tickets for the soccer have sold out" he rasped. Instead of a reply, the man from Pendennis smashed his hand on the desk and shattered the clerk's glass and repeated "I shall have 5 tickets for the match, and I'll have them NOW!" The clerk pulled down the shutters and closed the booth. The man from Pendennis slowly withdrew to the corner and shuddered - feeling unhappy and awkward for not getting his own way.

The man from Pendennis boarded the bus and demanded "You will take me to Mulhatten!" The conductor rasped "I'm sorry, we don't go that far, you'll need to get a train." Infuriated, the man from Pendennis repeated "You will take me to Mulhatten!" and with that, he slammed down his fist, cracking the conductor's money tray and shattering a glass. "I think you need to calm down sir!" The man from Pendennis grimaced so hard that he snapped his own face.

The man from Pendennis entered the newsagency and demanded ; "I will take 15 magazines for free!" The young salesman rasped - "We have a policy of retail here - you'll have to pay the charge". Unhappy with the answer, the man from Pendennis repeated "I will take 15 magazines for free!" and thrust his fist through the desk, shattering a glass. "Now you'll have to pay for 15 magazines... and a new desk too!!!!!!!!"

The man from Pendennis stood at the gateway of the childrens playpark and said to the ticket clerk ; "You will give me one ticket for the play area!" The young clerk instantly realised that the man from Pendennis exceeded the height restriction ; No children over 4 foot tall are allowed - the man from Pendennis was at least 7 foot tall. "I'm sorry sir, I cannot admit you" he rasped. "You will give me one ticket for the play area!" repeated the man from Pendennis, slamming his fist down, shattering a glass. Denied again, he decided to go and make his own playpark, using waste plastic and a special hammer!

The man with Golden locks shut the washing machine and turned it on. Once it started to spin and fill up with water, he noticed that he had accidentally put his kitten inside. He waited until the washing was done, and hung it up on the washing line - then took out the kitten - not from the washing machine - but out of the cardboard box - I never said it was in the washing machine!

Lonard Grubby was the filthiest kid on the block. All the kids at school called him names - like 'smellyface' and 'stinkyboy', and even his mother sneered at him from time to time. Lonard Grubby decided that it was time to do something about it. "It's time to do something about it" he rasped. Because he had never used soap before, he didn't know how to use it : he simply strapped it to the front of his face. The following day at school, instead of calling him 'smellyface' - they called him 'soapface'!!!!

An old tennis shoe was walkin' Mulhatten, when he was spotted by the police "You! Stop! What do you think you're doing!" The truth was, the old tennis shoe didn't 'think' it was doing anything - it didn't have a sentient mind to think with!

A man impossibly named Cret'pret'betbetbet was walkin' home when he saw something strange beneath a bush at the end of his garden. It was a puppy. Who had left this animal here? How long had it been here? He really didn't have time to wonder such things, so he stamped the creature into the ground and ran home before his dinner got cold!

Martha De'Banana was sitting on her balcony looking out to sea, when she saw two boats colide and blow up. "What a coincidence!" she rasped from her trembling gob, because at the same time she saw her husband's car smash into her neighbour's car, exploding the area in a ball of flame!

A youth named 'Borgiss' was walkin' into the florists to buy young Jackson some roses, when he saw that it had been ransacked. "We've just been burgled! Call the police!" rasped the young lady behind the counter. Borgiss saw an opportunity. "I'll call the police if you give me some roses for free" he rasped. Well, the roses were all gone, but the assistant offered him an alternative; "Call the police, or the only roses you'll get will be the ones on your grave, you bastard!"

A woman named Jackson went to the doctor one day complaining of a pain in her gulsavar. "Please tell me when the pains began" rasped the doctor. With an embarassed look on her face, she replied "I have has this pain since my brother Gulsavar hit me with his hammer!"

A man, possibly known as Drem'gram'dres'tret was walkin' the streets of Mulhatten, when he found an empty beer bottle on the ground. "That will help me when I fix my car" he rasped. Instead of 'beer', he had thought of a car's 'gear'!

A carp, possibly known as 'Carbon Fishface' was swimmin' upstream toward the mulhatten shores, when he saw a tasty lookin' piece of bait floating around on the surface. Not one to turn down a free meal, he grabbed at the grub with his gob and was caught on the hook. Once pulled from the water, he flapped his wings and detatched himself from the hook. This was his calling in life : afterall he was a bird - he was simply known as being a carp. Now it was time to fly south for the winter.

The man with pencil hands entered the fast food shop and asked for a cheeseburger. "No problem" rasped the young assistant. "Would you like a regular, or a replacable?" The man with pencil hands was intrigued as to what the replacable burger was and so he ordered one. As soon as the young assistant gave it to the man, he took it back and replaced it behind him. "What do you think you're doing" rasped the man with pencil hands. The boy replied : "Piss off".

A man, possibly known by his cousins as 'Frogbenny Digit' was washing his favourite pants, when a squirrel knocked on the window. It rasped "Excuse me sir, but may I store my nuts in your house?" Frogbenny Digit replied "That's fine with me, my furry friend!" A day later, he awoke to find several large sheds filling up the entire downstairs of his house. He must have misheard 'nuts' for 'huts'!

Lisa and wendy were walking down the road one warm afternoon, when Wendy saw a lovely dress in a shop window. "That would look chipper on me" she exclaimed. "No it wouldn't" said Lisa. "Don't be stupid, that dress is rubbish"!

A man - possibly known as 'Wilson Pram' - was walking his dog in Mulhatten park, when he caught a whiff of something nasty. It was so bad, he nearly puked up the cham he'd eaten for lunch. Looking behind a nearby tree, he found the source of the smell : A stinking area of ground behind a tree!

A man, possibly known as 'Bandage Plansoole' was relexing on his couch, eating a delicious cham, when some sod threw a pony at his window. 'What the hell' he thought to himself. 'No one around here has the strength to throw a pony - except for Tony McGill!' And so with laboured breathing, he went to Tony McGill's house and rasped 'Did you just throw a pony at my house?'. Tony replied 'No I didn't. Not just now anyway - I did it yesterday with a very slow moving pony!'

A man, possibly known as 'Fishtank Wishtag' was opening his christmas presents from beneath the christmas tree, when he came accross a curious package, with no indication of where it was from. Slowly peeling back the packaging, he found a small red tin. Slowly opening the tin, he discovered a collection of old teeth - he immediately remembered - they were the teeth of his elderly neighbour that he had smashed out the week before with a special hammer and had hidden under the tree!

A man possibly known as 'Sunbeam Apple-suspect' was closing his window, when he noticed that it had been tampered with. Was it the work of a thief? An animal searching for the food within? No - it was caused by Sunbeam Apple-suspect 10 minutes ago, when he accidently hit the windowframe with a hammer whilst attacking his wife!

A man, possibly named 'Kreg Funthumbs' was sitting in his room, when he heard a voice coming from his ventilation system. Thinking someone was trapped, he quickly checked, but saw that no one was there. Perhaps it was the voice of a 'vent'riloquist!

A man, possibly named 'Rolf Grindle' was cycling down the street in Mulhatten, when his bike rode over something and he was thrown into a roadside bush. Scrambling back to standing position, he saw what he had rode over. It was Father ; his body smashed to pieces by an endless stream of traffic. No emotion showed on his face as he picked up his bike and pedaled off home. What would his mother say when he tells her? It was OK though - his father was a replacable plastic figurine!

A young man walks into a shop and asks for a pound of chams. Unfortunatly, the shop keeper tells him that they have no chams. Nor do they have Biscuits, eggs or wheat flour - they have just been burgled!

The man from Pendennis entered the bar and everyone hushed. He approached the bar and thumped his fist down, shattering a glass. "Give me 6 pints of liquer" he demanded. Not wanting to anger the man from Pendennis any further, the bar tender complied and poured the drinks. The man from Pendennis gulped down the drinks and looked around the bar. A young man piped up the courage to say "Man, you're going to be really drunk". The man from Pendennis replied "I am fitted with an intoxication inhibator. Although I have 'drunk' them - I won't be 'drunk' !"

A man, possibly named 'Daphlene' was walkin' the streets of Mulhatten in seach of a taxi to get him to the show on time. He saw a cab slowly trawling along the kerb and shouted at it "Stop! Taxi! I need a ride". The cab stopped and a voice from within replied "I'm sorry, but I can't take you anywhere. You see I'm not actually a taxi. I'm a cabbage (cab)!"

A man possibly known as 'Pencil Ludgrass' was walkin' the streets of Mulhatten, when he saw a woman smash through a store window and lie on the floor bleeding. He ran up to her and rasped "Can I call an ambulance for you?" She replied "No - I'm OK". Taking a closer look he realised this was true : she wasn't bleeding blood ; she was bleeding water from the cracked flask in her pocket!

The man from Pendennis entered the bar and everyone hushed. He approached the bar and thumped his fist down, shattering a glass. "Where is Michael Milkshake" he rasped. The customers all shrugged as the man from Pendennis looked at them all one at a time. "Where is Michael Milkshake" he repeated. Once again no answer, and the man from Pendennis stormed out, shattering the door as he went. In the corner of the bar, Michael Milkshake woke up and said "Has father come to fetch me yet, I'd hate to miss him".

A speeding pony ran down the road, looking for the way home. He saw a man delivering milk, so he asked the milkman if he could show him the way back to the farm. 'Of course I will!' The milkman replied. To the speeded up brain of the pony, it thought it heard 'Of Horse I will' !!!!!!!!

A man, possibly named 'Husk Warehouse', was walkin' the streets of Mulhatten. He was worried that he had lost several sets of keys to his father's house in Devon. Just then, he saw an Anchor trying on a dress outside of a popular clothing store. Helping the Anchor to dress, 'Husk' asked the anchor 'Who is the captain of your ship'? A hurt look spread across the anchor's face, as he shouted with outrage 'My ship doesn't have a captain - it has a Commander! A half hour passed, and they became firm friends. 'Husk' explained his problem to the anchor about the sets of missing keys. Anchor too had a problem : he couldn't remember the way back to the ocean. The anchor was soon confused. He didn't know which was his problem? The 'Devon Keys' or The 'Seven Seas'!!!

A man, possibly named 'Margaret Flipper' recieved a letter in the post, addressed to a 'Mr Pudlow'. Realising that the letter was incorrectly delivered, he returned it to the postman the next day. Two days later, the letter once again was wrongly posted through his door. Now 'Margaret Flipper' was known to be very tollerant, but he was beginning to get angry. "To hell with this letter" he shouted, as he threw it into the wastepaper basket. Had he opened the letter, he would have realised the irony : it was a newsletter from the wastepaper basket fan club!

A man, possibly called 'Waxed Pudding' was walkin' the streets of Mulhatten and unfortunatly walked beneath Old Jackson's window. Old Jackson, you see, would not allow anyone to walk past without sprinkling Haddock Dust on them. As 'Waxed Pudding' was engulfed in Haddock Dust, he wished he hadn't walked in this direction. Or should I say he 'fished' he hadn't!!!!!!

A man, possibly named 'Philip Dute' was walkin' the streets of Mulhatten, when he saw an irresistable tree. Not one to turn down such a tree, he climbed it's brown branches and reached the top. He wasn't alone. Five other people who had also been allured by the tree were purched on the high branch. From this day forward, the phrase 'Six people branch purchers' would be extremely apt!!!

A man, possibly named 'Vatican Alec' was walking the streets of Mulhatten, when he saw a bar. He was as thirsty as a crow, so he went in and ordered a tasty beer - and took a seat in the corner. A minute later, a drunk woman plonked herself next to him and rasped "Could I interest you in a special offer". However - because of the noise in the pub, he misheard. He thought she had said "Could I interest you in a special poffer". He thought to himself - 'what the hell is a poffer'!!!!

A cabbage patch was walking down the street in Mulhatten on a bright, breezy day, when it was spotted by a passing police patrol. "Stop where you are!" rasped the officer. "What are you doing around here? This is our patch!"

An anchor was walkin' down the street, when he saw an attractive dress in a shop window. 'That would look dandy on me' he thought to himself. However - he was too large to enter the shop through the door. Knocking on the window, he got the shop attendant's attention. He asked the assistant if she could bring the dress outside for a closer look. Whilst the anchor was trying it on, the shop assistant asked which ship the anchor was from. With a hurt look on his face, he replied 'I'm not from a ship... I'm from a ferry'!

A classroom incident or two

"Today pupils, we have a new boy starting. Everybody - meet 'Watermelon'. Can he sit next to you, Jonny?"
"Yes Mrs Innertube" shouted Jonny in response.
"How dare you raise your voice to me" she rasped as she climbed over the desks toward him. Picking the 5 year old up by one arm, she vigorously shook him - he even hit the wall a couple of times. "Watermelon, come and sit next to Jonny" she chuckled.

Jonny sat in the class talking to his friend Gilbert, when Mrs Innertube saw what what going on. "Stop talking! How dare you!" and with that, she went behind the boy and punched him in the back. "The only talking you'll do now is to explain to the school nurse how you 'tripped over' and hurt your back!" With a smile she returned to her desk and chuckled to herself.

"Who's hidden my chalk?" asked Mrs Innertube. "Was it you, Jonny?"
He replied "No Mrs Innertube".
"What have I told you about being negative? Being negative is bad, positive is good. We can't go through life being negative can we Jonny!" With that off her chest, she asked again "Was it you, Jonny?"
"Yes Mrs Innertube" At that, she punched him in the neck.
"How dare you! No one touches my chalk, but me!"

"How tall are you, Jonny?" asked the teacher to her pupil.
"I don't know, Mrs Innertube" he rasped.
"How dare you!" she replied as she slapped him across the face with her long wooden ruler. The 5 year old sank to the floor, crying. Now was her opportunity! She placed the long ruler next to him on the floor. Happy with his height, she continued the lesson.