| June 9, 1999 | |
      
"...Acts so small, their momentousness was visible to nobody buy myself." --Eavan Boland, Object Lessons, on inspirations of a writer.
reading: |
It's no wonder why I have such a wall around me. I
inch a little closer to a new friend, and I see a break in
the bricks. A criticism goes too far, and the wall
builds all by itself. I'm constantly creeping around my dad. It used to be the other way around, constantly creeping around my mom. But now that he has this new wife, he's changed. This Saturday is my birthday (yay-whoo-hoo) and I'm going to visit my mother and sister in central Massachusetts. My dad, who lives in Connecticut, is coming up to see my sister dance in a recital that day and to visit me for my birthday. Originally, he said he'd come up to the apartment with his wife on Sunday and we'd celebrate my birthday. Without saying it, he doesn't want to make that extra effort and come up Sunday as well as going to Mom's house Saturday. I'd rather he come out and say, "We're not coming up Sunday," instead of stringing me along, letting me think he's doing me a favor by not saying no. I know it's his wife. It's hard to dislike her the way I do when I know she loves my father and he loves her. Because I stand up for myself, because I am looking out for myself, she interprets that as not loving my father as a good daughter should. On his birthday, she was pissed that I didn't buy him a shirt like she wanted me to, and instead I took him out for lunch and had the best talk we've had for years. I'm guilty of throwing him the guilt that had been thrown at by his mother and my mother years ago.
I said, "Well, Dad, it's ultimately your decision, but I did block the time off weeks ago when you said you'd come. So I'm not doing anything if you want to come up."He sat in silence on the other end of the phone. It was the silence that really dug into me and really hurt. That he had to think about it, like he was chosing between spending a day with the Wife, or spending it with me.
"Maybe I'll just come up instead of bringing Nancy and the kids."Ah-ha. They don't want to come. And, frankly, it's better that way. Still, after the conversation, I sat at my desk in the little cubicle and felt dark anxiety coming over me again.
|
