I move into an apartment to be alone, and I'm lonely. I con myself into not using the computer as much as I do, and I crave technology. I visit friends, and leave thinking that if I didn't visit them I wouldn't have to say goodbye.

J. called me twice from California. (He's there with the Marines if I haven't mentioned before) Last night, I whined to him that I miss him so much, needing him to be in our bed together, suffering this May heat together. I knew he was under "military influenced" because he kind of chuckled as if our conversation was what was top secret.

I told him I had seen my friend, Rachel, who is like a sister to me. I've known her since 4th grade and our relationship has been filled with both cat fights and bonding moments. She just moved out of state (again), but this time farther away. I can't live without knowing she is an easy phone call away. She's vital to me.

I met her new boyfriend who is, actually, the only boyfriend I've ever met of hers because because of our geographic distance. He is wonderful, and in their new relationship, I see what I miss about J. and mine. They are so giggly and go out of their way just to be naked together. In front of her, he says he fell headoverheels for her. In front of him, she says perverted things that J. would be embarrassed about if I had said them in "mixed company."

So I cried on the way home to my empty, dark apartment. Maybe it was for Rachel and her man, or maybe it was for me and my confusion. Andrea even brought home a kitty as kind of a graduation present for me, and I feel anxiety because of the potential for allergies.

What a mess. I'm in a beautiful apartment in an area I can call my own, I even worked-out today, but I still feel like something is missing.