There are two sides to every divorce:
Yours and Shithead's.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in
college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world,
but it's ok, everyone knows me here.
I saw a rather large woman wearing a
sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause
I find I get the same effect
just by standing up really fast.
Sign In Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Money can't buy happiness, but it
sure makes misery, easier to live with.
I got a sweater for Christmas ...
I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they
call the airport the "terminal"?
I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life,
yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons,
make lemonade; if it deals you
tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
I love being married. It's so great to
find that one special person you want
to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip:
You can get shoes for 85 cents
at bowling alleys.
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous
record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.
That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius
because I told a friend
my plan to attain world peace,
and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
No one ever says, "It's only a game!"
when their team is winning.
Ever notice that people who spend
money on beer, cigarettes,
and lottery tickets are always
complaining about being broke
and not feeling well?
How long a minute is, depends on
what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Isn't having a smoking section
in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion...
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are
people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles
bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't
know where it's been."
