Because I'm a guy, I must hold the
television remote control in my hand
while I watch TV.If the thing has been
misplaced, I'll miss a whole show
looking for it, though one time I was
able to survive by holding a
calculator.
Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys
in the car I will fiddle with a wire
clothes hanger and ignore your
suggestions that we call a road service
until long after hypothermia has set
in. Oh, and when the car isn't running
very well, I will pop the hood and stare
at the engine as if I know what I'm
looking at. If another guy shows up, one
of us will say to the other, "I used to
be able to fix these things, but now
with all these computers and everything,
I wouldn't know where to start." We will
then drink beer.
Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I
need someone to bring me soup and take
care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You never get as sick as I do, so for
you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon
to purchase basic groceries at the
store, like milk, or bread.
I cannot be expected to find exotic
items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I
know these are the same thing.
And never, under any circumstances,
expect me to pick up anything for which
"feminine hygiene product" is a
euphemism.
Because I'm a guy, when one of our
appliances stops working I will insist
on taking it apart, despite evidence
that this will just cost me twice as
much once the repair person gets here
and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're
all that lost, and no, I don't think
we should stop and ask someone. Why
would you listen to a complete
stranger--how the heck could HE know
where we're going?
Because I'm a guy, there is no need to
ask me what I'm thinking about. The
answer is always either sex or football,
though I have to make up something else
when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a guy, I do not want to
visit your mother, or have your mother
come visit us, or talk to her when she
calls, or think about her any more than
I have to. Whatever you got her for
mother's day is OK, I don't need to see
it. Did you remember to pick up
something for my mom, too?
Because I'm a guy, I am capable of
announcing, "one more beer and I really
have to go," and mean it every single
time I say it, even when it gets to
the point that the one bar closes and my
buddies and I have to go hunt down
another. I will find it increasingly
hilarious to have my pals call you to
tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I
don't understand why you threw all my
clothes into the front yard. What's the
connection?
Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask
me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if
you're crying at the end of it, I
didn't.
Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn
up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or
The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I
have to tell you every single time about
how Bruce had his picture on the cover
of Time and Newsweek the same day, or
how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and
everyone visits his grave. Please do not
behave as if you do not find this
fascinating.
Because I'm a guy, I think what you're
wearing is fine. I thought what you
were wearing five minutes ago was fine,
too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With
the belt or without it looks fine. Your
hair is fine. You look fine. Can we
just go now?
Because I'm a guy and this is, after
all, the 90's, I will share equally in
the housework. You do the laundry, the
cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes.
I'll do the rest
