just as henry david throreau did with walden, i shall study the effects on the mind of myself in an experiment. ole' henry stayed on a pond called walden for a year, writing his book, titled "walden," after the pond. i, shall stay in my bathtub, named "dexter" for a week, writing out my thoughts and experiences. of course, where he lived in a shack he built himself for little over 20$, i will cheat a whole bunch and take along the necessities such as my stereo and other electronic appliances.
wensday, july 22, 1998
8 : 15 PM
i embark my journey into the land of experimental science today. My first step was to name my bathtub. walden had a name, both the pond and the book, so it was decided that my bathtub too, shall be bestowed with a handle of fitting stature. after much thought and input from associates, the name "dexter" seemed most popular. mostly because i like the name, and asked few "associates."
my second step entitled cleaning out dexter. armed only with a shower cleaner i found in my cabinet, and a rag, i set off. i met many a strange and wonderful creature. barely getting away with my life, i sqaushed, disinfected, and pulverized the little fellows. the cleaner, i'm sorry to say, was not the one with the little smiling cartoon bubble guys on the can. as everyone knows, the one with the bubble guys is the best, if only cause the bubble guys are so damn cute. while trying to defeat a creature i met on my cleaning crusade, i accidentally sprayed myself with the new, un-known brand name cleaner. adverse effects are expected.
to make dexter nice and comfy, i lined him with sheets, blankets and pillows. a stereo was put on the floor, and a laptop on the toilet (the cover is closed, in case you were wondering). a tv has been set on the counter, for my repeated viewing of the jerk, and my many taped episodes of freakazoid and daria. my bathroom measures 7' 7" x 6' 7" x 7' 9". this is the small space if you insert a closet, bathtub, counter and toilet. (the ceiling measurement has nothing to do with anything, i just like playing with mom's tape measure.):::cue mom in the background saying "where the HELL is my tapemeansure?!"::: dexter himself is 4' 7" x 2' 5". this presents a complication in comfort, seeing as how i'm 5'2" x 1'6". but i'm sure i'll manage, if only for the sake of science.
thursday, july 23, 1998
3 : 15 AM
i've just has trouble calling up an earlier entry. in other words, it's gone. this damn old dusty crappy computer!! zoinks! man oh man, you should have seen the last entry, it was suspenseful, it had theorems that solved the world's mysteries, it made you laugh, it made you cry. but no, you, the faithful reader, shall never see it. all because if this crappy laptop.
i'm currently sitting in my bathtub, sir dexter of bathtub. i wrote an entry about 15 minutes ago, played a smashing game of solitare, a grand round of tetris, and was ready to make yet another log into this morning's entries, speaking of my decision to got to sleep now, when i opened up the file i wanted and was missing somesuch whoodad to open the file. go figure. ick. anyway...off to bed i go. wish me luck on my first sleep.
12 : 55 PM
i awaken from my first nite of experimenting. having fallen asleep at 3:16, and waking up at 12:55, that leaves my sleeping hours at around 10 hours. at about 5:00 PM, i was awoken from sleep by a faint humming, and when risen to the window, noticed a faint greenish glow outside.
OBSERVATIONS: the dexter experiment hasn't seemed to change my sleeping patterns at all. the bathroom window gives quite a different view of the outside than my bedroom window. also, i think there may be aliens holding meetings under my bathroom window.
COMPLICATIONS: while sleeping, i constantly had difficulty finding places to put my legs. draped over the edge and bent up around my chin seemed the only options. the green glow is scary.
EFFECT: extremely sore muscles in the morning. a new anxiety when my eyes rest on green colored things.
1 : 00 PM
i voyage to the bathroom of my mother. after 5 minutes and 34 seconds of pondering, i figure out how to work shower nozzle.
1 : 15 PM
i remove myself from shower and proceed to make entries in the "dexter" log.
OBSERVATIONS- last nite's files have yet to corrupt themsevles. i'm greatful.
1 : 20 PM
i play another game of tetris and brush my teeth.
1 : 35 PM
i lose feeling in legs from playing too much tetris adn making too many entires in this log with a laptop.
2 : 49 PM
i eat "breakfast". ( six peices of cheesy garlic bread).
the rest of the food i consume this day consists of 2 bagels, chinese food, and an unidentified fuzzy purple substance i found in the depths of my fridge. i spent the day watching 'freakazoid' and 'alice in wonderland,' as well as reading.
fri, july 24, 1998
1 : 33 AM
this is my second nite of experimenting with the great forces we call "dexter." i fear last nite's occurances of the green light may return, so my associate, dr. houxby, is sleeping in the next room. should i run into any difficulties, i'm sure she will save me. i am now about to retire for my second sleep.
10 : 14 AM
i awake. i find dr. houxby in the hallway.
OBSERVATIONS: during my sleep, i made several observations. i seem to remember my dreams easier, as well, the thoughts i had during them. though, they are the usual wierd ones i have, and i am not aware i am dreaming, as usual. around 4:00AM, i am awoken by the same green light as last nite, as well, a low humming. when rising to the window to investigate, i took notice of a large silver orb in the sky, flashing off these green lights. the orb seemeed to be some form of UFO.
COMPLICATIONS: i counted at least 3 times when i whacked my legs on the wall of the tub.
EFFECT: i am very afraid of the color green and i have developed a fear of spoons.
11 : 32 PM
i fall asleep.
3:00 PM
i wake up
so far, i've eaten chinese food and juice. yummm...juice.....
sat, july 25, 1998
2 : 36 AM
i fall asleep again. i'm good at that.
11: 25 AM
i wake up. last nite's occurances were quite the odd ones. once again, i was awoken by a humming and a faint green light. once again, i rise to the window to see what's going on. this time, the large silver orb is even closer than before. as a matter of fact, it's parked in my back yard. i watch as what looks to be an extra-terrestrial barbeque is held in my yard, the partiers awash in the sickening green glow of the spaceship's light. these beings seem to have a sixth sense of some sort, for as i look upon them, their gaze rises to meet mine, staring at them from my window. That, or, it could be i brought attention to myself because i was whistling the howdy doody theme song. the world may never know. i don't think they liked my spying on them, because when they saw me, they started for me, and the spaceship sent out a bean to scoop me up from my place. no, that was not a typo. they didn't send out a "beam" for me. they sent out a bean. a big, glowing, green, vitamin filled bean.
OBSERVATIONS: either i'm losing my mind, they abducted me and did strange things to me, or i was dreaming. though, the dreaming theory doesn't explain the microchips i keep finding embedded in my body. the strangest part is yet to be said, for amoungst these nappers of the ashia, did i see my very own brother cavorting around with them at the barbeque. he seemed to like the kareoke machine they had hooked up.
COMPLICATIONS: i don't like being abducted and filled with alien gadgets. i think my brother is in ka-hoots with my abductors. i wonder how much they are paying him, and what percentage i get out of all this.
EFFECT: these microchips are scaring and bothering me. and everytime i try to ask my brother what he was doing with those aliens, he just ignores me and starts humming "california girls"
2:00 PM
a breakthrough. after constant badgering of my brother, he agrees to tell me what he was doing at the alien barbeque in our back yard if i plug his name into this page many times. (his name is ook)
2:15PM
the deal wasn't a good one. he answers, "cause i liked the kareoke machine and because the ashia can spell "kareoke" correctly.
today's diet consisted of chinese food, cheesy garlic bread and ramen noodlies. mainly, my activites were limited to sleeping, reading, and watching a looney tunes movie.
sun, july 26, 1998
2 : 55 AM
sleepy time. oh yeah, and when my mother called me a "wierdo," i made her promise to hang out in dexter sometime later. she did. followups to this development shall be posted.
8:38 AM
i wake when my dogs decide to loudly attack whoever it is entering my house at the early, rarely seen hour of 8:00AM
before going to sleep, i requested of ook to please keep his alien friends away from me, for i am trying to conduct a scientific study, and being abducted and molested cannot be good for my study. he replyed with some off remark and i went to bed with a can of alien repellant(TM) next to dexter. obviously, this did not work. for what should i behold when i get up, but i now have green and purple polka dots all over my skin, as well, i found another microchip installed in my head. those, and the extra arm that i never remember growing, stike me as a tad peculliar when i wake. normally, one doesn't expect to be subject to such rapid changes over the course of one nite. but, i must remind myself, one doesn't normally sleep in a bathtub and have a brother who cavorts around in illegal arms deals with aliens.
i fear i have said to much.
OBSERVATIONS: dreams seem to be quite easily rembered and vivid. i notice i only whacked my legs on the walls once, as well, i don't wake up so much, for i am getting used to sleeping in such close quarters. the early waking hour is not routine with my current systen, but i doubt it will make too much of an impact into the study. the third arm is making it difficult to type, for it wants to join in, and i'm only used to typing with 5 hands. i mean 2. yes, 2 is what i mean. i originally only had 2 hands. i don't mind the polka dots so much, but the microchips are beginning to become a pain.
COMPLICATIONS: ook is going to kill me for telling about the illegal arms deal.
EFFECT: i do believe these alterings to my person shall make my social like quite different in the future. if they let me get to the future.
12:34 AM
today was spent in a moonwalk and in a pool. note*- the polka dots don't wash off in water. i consumed 1 hotdog and 2 peking raviolis.
mon, july 27, 1998
1 : 00 AM
i fall asleep after reading fried green tomatoes. i now have an immense craving for fried green tomatoes.
11:13
i wake up, still wanting tomatoes. i like tomatoes. last nite, as expected by now, the aliens were in my yard, waiting for me. i decided to meet them face on. walking outside, i confronted one of the aliens. "what do you want from me? i am but a lowly bathtub scientist!"
he replied, in an alienlike voice, "i wanna be an asparagus."
well, doesn't that explain it all?
OBSERVATIONS: the aliens seem familiar, quite similar to someone i know, i'm sure. i just can't place it. ook was still on the kareoke machine, singing "love shack." he liked the shrimp
COMPLICATIONS: this third arm is really starting to bother me.
EFFECT: the fact that these visitors want to be asparagii still doesn't explain why they seem to bother me so much when i'm on my dexter study, nor why my brother is always invited to their parties.
4:00PM
i wander out to the wilderness we know as "my yard" and am forced to do....:::dun dun DUNNNNN:::: yard work!
today's diet was pizza and more cheesy garlic bread. i really like cheesy garlic bread.
tue, july 28, 1998
1:55 PM
i lay down to fall asleep, and after an hour or so of making shadow puppets on the bathtub wall, i fall asleep. this is my last nite in dexter.
11:30 AM
welcome the last day of dexter. sure enough, while i was asleep, the aliens threw ook off their ship, (he has a thing for pinching them) and he found his way home.
3:25 PM
i fall asleep after reading 5 pages of one of the most boring stories i have ever read.
5:25 PM
i wake up.
8:00 PM
the study of living in a bathtub comes to a close as i leave dexter to go sleep over houxby's house. sure, the study is over. but it will be talked about and discussed in major scientific societies all over the world for centuries to come. this ranks right up there with the discovery of sliced bread and the theory of relativity, it has the effect on future societies as much as the discovery that water molecules look like cute carebears. decades after my death, monuments and statues will be erected in my honor. yes indeedy.
today i ate a tomato, 2 blue crayons, and a friendlies monster mash sunday that i named "raoul."
what i learned, was, living in your bathtub can be extrememly dangerous when there are aliens who camp out in your yard. i also learned the difference between AM and PM, and that if you want to do anything whatsoever online, don't use a laptop, cause it'll kick you off. i learned that bathtubs were not made to be slept in comfortably, because if they were, they'd be longer. i found that living in a small enclosed space is really useful if you want to reach everything at once. i lived for living, in a bathtub, for the sake and usefullness to science. this is only the beginning, for i am sure, the science of living in a bathtub is only in its birth. i walk away from dexter, wiser...in some way, i'm sure. i just gotta figure out how.