Wiffleball 2001 Newsletter

October 11, 2001

It's not easy to keep a Bedford tradition alive for 10 years. Wildwood Drive on Halloween and bonfires at The Mountains don't happen anymore. Will the umbrella attract more attention than the football game this thanksgiving? No. Will the BHS lacrosse team lose by two dozen goals to Lincoln-Sudbury in the spring? Of course not. They’ve developed a “program” and the tradition of getting pummeled is gone.

Please let this letter serve as your notification that Bedford’s greatest tradition will not stop at 10 years running. The 11th annual Bedford Wiffleball tournament will be held Thursday October 25th 5:30pm - 1am. Entry Fee is $40.0/person. Winners take all (after expenses are paid).

A lot has happened in the world of wiffleball since our last official press release. The Wiffleball committee has been unable to release a newsletter due to an IRS investigation. Our typewriter, mimeograph machine, and water bubbler were seized by the government in 1994 when they learned that $140.00 of league funds reported as “advertising expenses” went to Patterson Tow (North Road, Bedford, MA). The IRS released a copy of the incriminating receipt: “Sedan De Ville, James Maddox, telephone poll, $140.00 plus tax.”

Let’s start by giving print where print is overdue. The champions for the past few years have been a breath of fresh air – 6 new faces in the history books, and no repeat winners. In fact, there have been no back-to-back champs since the “Bomb Squad” (G. Chase, D. Lord, P. Stone) three-peated 1992 thru 1994.

In 1997 the wiffleball community saw a crack in the widely held opinion that David Lord can’t win without the “Bomb Squad.” “Alien Nation” (D. Lord, D. Boffa, J. Sullivan) took the trophy sporting neon green.

In 1998 an old arm came to life to carry “Blue Thunder” (B. McGrath, P. Stone, J. Sullivan). Paul Stone got another reason to be called the greatest player of all time, and Brendan McGrath got another excuse to wear his bi-curious blue stretch pants.

The following year was the debut of a pair considered by some to be the tandem of the new millenium: Bryan Albonesi and Todd Anderson. They were the shocks and struts for the “Best Men” (with Mike McGarry) and the “Jammies” (with S. Chester) – victorious in 1999 and 2000, respectively. Beat reporters have notified The Committee that Albonesi and Anderson will be teammates again in 2001.

Due to our struggling economy, Bedford Wiffleball athletes are picking up some extra income. 3-time champion David Boffa, unsatisfied with his league salary, has taken work in sales, tech support, and recruiting. His contract (signed after his championship in 1995 for $1.2M and a lifetime supply of butter flavor popcorn) prohibits the valuable pitcher from taking a job that will interfere with his off-season training. Boffa has been fighting the contract in court since running the Boston Marathon in 1999 – an achievement that his lawyers say should “exempt him from the fat kid clause.” Nonetheless, the league stepped in last week and forced Boffa’s employer (Darwin Partners, Wakefield, MA) to terminate his job. The Boston Globe reported that 23 other Darwin employees walked out with Boffa, in protest.

Athletes who were sponsored by crumbling dot coms are finding new contracts, but it hasn’t been easy. David Lord, at one time the spokesperson for amihotornot.com, is falling back on his deal with Taco Bell – a deal he laid the groundwork for in 1993. Software provider Egghead.com couldn’t afford to pay John Ginn’s hefty contract, so the long lost wiffleball scrapper is trying to hook on with Ray-Ban. In other sponsorship news, Teri Ciccone’s contract with The Walt Disney company was reversed because they learned about his Chippendale uniform in the 1994 tourney (with George Chen and Karl Farmer), and John Mara is still sponsored by British Knights Footwear.

This is the first wiffleball newsletter to reach league constituents during a time of war. Our current state of turmoil is rivaled only by the “Mustang Cold War” of the early 90’s when Bedford Natives including Josh Cohen, Geoff Chase, Mark Boburnitz, Lester Pullen, Randy Messinio, and Mike Boutin struck fear in civilians with breakstands and illegal window tints. Bedford Police Officer, Jeff Sullivan (brother of two-time champion Jimmy “Cricket” Sullivan), spoke to Minuteman reporters about the “Mustang Cold War.”

“It wasn’t quite as bad as the terrorism scare we have now… but it was bad. Four Cylinder Mustangs led to Cobras and “No Fear” stickers were popping up all over the place. The Bedford PD had their hands full.”

The threat of terrorism is taken seriously by the Wiffleball Committee. We will be doing a background investigation on all teams submitted to the league. Please be prepared to show your visa and/or passport when arriving on October 28th. The Wiffleball Committee consulted security expert (and 4-time champ) Geoff Chase who offered the following safety guidelines: 1) check your bags before entering the facility 2) report strange activity to police 3) no dudes allowed on the ladies dancing platform.

The FBI has released no specific information linking The Wiffleball Tournament to terrorist plans. However, fundamentalist Moslem leaders including Osama Bin Laden have publicly condemned the unorthodox rules of The Bedford Wiffleball League. The 5-ball lob pitch rule is particularly offensive to their people.

Bedford Wiffleball relations with Major League Baseball have been shaky for many years, but differences have been settled in the wake of the September 11 attacks. In fact, MLB and Bedford Wiffleball organized a charity dinner for the families of the victims featuring Barry Bonds and Matty Lentine – owners of the single-season homerun record in their respective leagues. Bonds signed baseball bats and spoke about his homerun chase. Lentine shook hands and donated his original TBB hat and his second TBB hat to be auctioned off. The older of the two lids went for $23,400 because it had authentic bush light stains rumored to date back to his rookie season.

Lentine is the biggest free agent name on the board in 2001. His lawyer has made it clear that he is breaking ties with many of his traditional teammates, suggesting he will go to a championship contender. As always, “punch and judy” specialist Chip Mofield is a question mark. If he makes an appearance this year it will be more dramatic than ever because rumors indicate he’s been training out west. Mofield’s status in the tourney is an important piece of the teammate puzzle. Other players who can affect the landscape of the competition are David Venuti, Mike Anderson, Sean Christie, Rob Wakeham, Richie Atkinson, and Matt Kyvelos – all players that have carried weight in past tourneys but have not made recent appearances.

THE RULES: The Wiffleball Newsletter will not include basic league rules from now on. The only new rule this year is that the ceiling is in play. You can find basic league ruels at the website.

THE FACILITY: The Complex offers some exciting changes in wiffleball play. We will be competing on four fields rather than three. The fields are symmetrical and much bigger than those we have competed on at Page Field and the Bedford Middle School field. The surface is hard, and likely to bring about games with fast action. The ceiling is high, and covered with tight nets that will keep the ball in play. The nets are continuous and cover the walls, creating a dome for each field.

TEAM RESTRICTIONS: Old rules prohibited top-quality players from teaming up, but those were tossed out in 1999 when Steve Chester won a class-action lawsuit arguing that player ratings were unconstitutional He was represented by the same lawyers who represented the Farmer brothers when they broke the color barrier in 1993. Chester won the championship the following year, proving the point that his level 1 (of a possible 3) rating was “bullshit.” The new restrictions are as follows: three-person teams, maximum of 10 teams, at least one player must meet one of two criteria: from Bedford, or played in a past tourney. No goons allowed.

-BWA