Wiffleball 1994 Newsletter

by: Mark McInnis

Certain things change when people go to college. Wiffleball isn't one of them. The tourney is back and almost everything will be the same: the rules, the food, the f-bombs, the c-notes, the chums, the chumps and of course, the insane competition. Surprisingly, the one thing missing from this group is Hummer Park. This year's tourney will not be held at Hummer Park. The beloved home of our fondest wiffleball memories could not keep up with the growth of the the tournament. In other words, the Wiffleball Organization is bigger than Hummer Park. The league needs something bigger, something better. Instead of a crazy field with obstructive trees, the league needs a symmetrical field and a homerun upper deck. Instead of an air canditioner and a wading pool, the league needs access to a lake. Instead of all the distractions in Bedford, the league needs isolation. Each of these improvements is possible at the new site of the wiffleball tourney: Bryant Pond, Maine. The new site of the tourney improves upon problems with Hummer Park, but offers additional luxuries that the league may have never dreamed of. If you are upset over this change in wiffleball plans, chill out. Any problems you may be dreaming of involving work, transportation, or whatever, can be worked out. Most wiffleball league professionals, contrary to popular belief, are not full-time athletes. Many of us have other forms of employement. The league officials are will aware of this fact. We will work around schedules.

On a different note, there are various rumors about this year's tourney that need to be addressed. First of all, whomever mailed the commisioner a fake piece of mail regarding the return of Sydney Borum to the wiffleball tourney should understand that this joke just wasn't funny. The entire wiffleball league has a special affection towards the deceased Sydney Borum (who threw out the first pitch in our second annual tourney). A joke about a second appearance is a very tasteless one. On the other hand, whomever mailed the commisiona picture featuring Ron Mallick and John Ginn should know that this WAS very funny.

The rumors indicating that certain teams are splitting up are just not true. The commission has received official word from 'Supercocks' represenative Steve Chester that they will be back again despite their perennial agony in the wiffleball tourney. The Boston Herald quoted 'Supercock' superstar Rich Atkinson as saying the following in his training facility while working out with Mike Anderson: "The league better look out this year, the 'Supercocks' are taking the [expletive] competition down hard, real [expletive] hard. I've got a new pitch and Chester has been swingin' the Bratt Bat". 'The Butchers' have also announced their return to the tourney as a cohesive unit. Unconfirmed reports about a name change are rather interesting, however, The Associated Press reports that team member Billy Katz refused to answer questions regarding his team's new name. The Associated Press said he have the following hint wtha smile on his face: "Don't be ridiculous". The commission has heard a rumor of its own that has raised soem eyebrows around the league. The Colby Athletic department has relayed a report from the head football coach regarding some unusualbehavior on the part of freshman linebacker John Ginn. The report indicated that Ginn has been diving head first into bushes that border the football practice field. The coach added that Ginn has been acting very strange ever since he painted "Dirk in '94" on his practice jersey. The commission has interpreted Ginn's actions as a sad attempt to win Dirk McBride hustle points before the tourney.

The wiffleball world is talking about 'Bum Squat'. The repeat champions of 1992 and 1993 are the hot topic of discussion. Is their success a fluke? Can they be stopped? Are they an invicible homerun hitting force like their name 'Bomb Squad' indicates? Or are they, as their more popular name suggests, Bum Squat? Perhaps the wiffleball world will never know due to the punishments the commission may enforce on the Bum Squat members who displayed permiscuous behavior in the off-season. Bedford MInuteman Staff Correspondent, Henrick Patel has confirmed allegations made by David Boffa that wiffleball hero Geoff Chase has taken estrogen supplements to alter his physique. Patel reported in a recent newspaper article that he spotted Chase behind the "blue backstop" popping estrogen pills with BHS golf team standouts Jeremy Gomes and Jason Lee. The commission is working ona disciplinary decision for Chase. It is possible that he could be banned from tournament play in '94. Likewise, Paul Stone is walking on thin ice. Paul has violated his contract with wiffleball league. The contract prohibited Paul from alcohokic beverage consumption because he was being paid to do public service announcements against drunk driving. Paul's commercials, which featured him on top of his GMC Phoenix holding a wiffleball bat, were seen on national TV during the World Series. Paul violated his contarct when he got drunk at a Westbrook College girls basketball game and was seen leaving the gym on a blue Honda Motorscooter. An hour later, police rushed to the scene of an accident where "Bones" had driven the scooter into a MacDonald's playland and knocked a youngster unconcious. "Bones" refused the breathalyzer test. Purple passion bottle caps were found in his pockets. The commission is expected to reach a disciplinary verdict on the matter next week. To make matters for the Bomb Squad worse, the commision is also evaluating possible fines for David Lord after his poor display of sportsmanship in last year's tournament. Teh commisison is reviewing videotapes that clearly indicate Lord is guilty of taunting memebrs of Los Banditios Rojos, the runners-up in '93 competition.