Wiffleball 1995 Newsletter

The wiffleball committee received a lot of helpful suggestions for the opening ceremonies of the tournament on Tuesday. It is the fifth anniversary of the wiffleball tournament and a festive opening ceremony seems appropriate. The committee gave special consideration to the suggestion that we kick things off with a tire tossing ceremony. The tire toss, after all, a symbol of our competitive tradition that dates back to 1992 when a controversial foul ball call stirred up anger and excitement. The committee also was interested in the common idea having a celebrity throw out the first pitch. However, after much effort, the committee failed to get a commitment from past participants such as Sydney Borum, Phil from Jersey, Keith Cooney, Jon (McDonalds' Inc. employee of the decade), and Joe Flood. On a relevant note, Cheesasaurus Rex phoned the committee about a week ago and offered to throw out the honorary first-pitch. However, when the committee mentioned that Phil from Jersey had already turned down the offer, the Rex Man mysteriously hung up. The committee attempted a *69 but the operator said that Maine phone numbers cannot be traced from out of state. Unable to find a worthy celebrity for the first pitch, the committee decided that opening ceremonies will consist of fireworks and photos. Inta Summa left-fielder and part-time pyromaniac, Terigi Ciccone, volunteered his services and supplies for the fireworks. Anyone who has a camera, please bring it because we will be posing for a handsome league photo.

As usual, the committee has astonishing news about the offseason training of league members. It is a popular assumption that Dad's Boys star slugger Chipper Mopie gets lucky every year when he finishes the tourney with about fifteen hits and seven RBIs. However, the associated press has released reports that indicate his success is due to practice, not luck. Chipper has allegedly been seen taking batting practice at Megapulse under the coaching supervision of sportswizard Kelly "don't call me the hot-dog guy" Mike. While the committee frowns upon any secret practice sessions, Chipper has not jeopardized his eligibility for 1995. There is no rule against playing pepper with the hot dog guy. The committee has, however, warned Chip that if he accepts an endorsement for the "Hot Dog and Sausages on the Side of the Road Corporation" he will lose his amateur status and eligibility for Tuesday's competition.

'Fugitive' right fielder Bryan Albonesi has been subject to alot of criticism in recent years. Since his heroic bashball expedition at Hummer Park in the first annual wiffleball tournament, Bryan has been flat. His three year batting average since the 'Batmen' championship in 1991 is only .220 and he has hit less homeruns in the past two years than he did in the first tourney alone. "I'm just trying to ignore what everybody's saying about me so I can focus next Tuesday", said Albonesi. But yesterday, the criticism and high expectations drove Albonesi into some trouble. American Legion proprietor Sam Geralds contacted the committee yesterday with an accident report involving Albonesi and his bar. According to Geralds, Albonesi drank bacardi breezers for five straight hours and got a little out of hand. Geralds said that Albonesi looked disturbed the second he walked into the bar, but erupted with anger at 11:45 PM during a bar about the Oklahoma City bombing: "Somebody was talking about the Oklahoma thing and they mentioned the words 'bomb squad'. Next thing I see is this Albosqueegie kid tossing bar stools around screaming 'It's not my F***ing fault!". Geralds did not file a report with the police, but rather suggested that the committee take disciplinary action. A decision on Albonesi's eligibility for Tuesday is pending. The committee has already fined Albonesi for his illegal use of the F-bomb. Earlier wiffleball legislation clearly stated the rule that the F-bomb is only to be used as a modifier for a c-note or s-scud.

The hottest current topic in the wiffleball world is the new teams that are forming. Due to financial stubbornness, several athletes have refused to cross the picket line and have caused teams to rearrange. Word on the street indicates that Colin Ross, John Mara, Matt Kyvelos, and Todd Anderson will not make it to the tourney this year. Rumors are already circulating about how Dad's Boys, Inta Summa, and Bad Vibes will rearrange. The most shocking break-up in wiffleball history is on the verge of becoming a reality. Bad Vibes member David Venuti has given verbal consent to join forces with David Boffa and Bryan Albonesi to fill the void created by the loss of Todd Anderson. What will this mean for Mike McGarry, a Bad Viber who has emerged as one of the leagues premier hurlers? Let's put it this way, if Mike wants to step on the field this spring he may have to grab a brew and enta summa first.

Bad Vibes' break up is sad news for the wiffleball league, particularly for the teams who loved them for being a mediocre opponent. But this year's tourney also has a happy story of reunion. The information has been held secret for quite some time, but the original Supercocks will take the field in fine fashion this year. That's right folks, Rich Atkinson is flying in from Florida to make another run at the championship. According to South Road Travel Agency, Atkinson got a late notification on the date of the upcoming tourney and could not get a plane reservation to Boston. He decided to package himself up in a TV box and mail himself through UPS. The package is marked "Burgertime" and is addressed to the Venuti household. Atkinson will arrive at the Venuti's on Sunday, and plans to spend two days stretching. The big question regarding Atkinson's return to the field is one of uniforms. The league retired his number was retired when he left. If he wishes to wear his old number he may face fines.

The tournament will be help at David Venuti's house at 2 Hardy Road in a stadium known affectionately as 'Streaker Stadium' (people have a tendency to run naked in the Hardy Road area). The field is smaller than last year's field, but the stadium offers other advantages. For example, arrangements have been made to supply the 'on deck' circle with an easy chair and an extension cord. Nootz will be giving out haircuts to the athletes every inning. The committee firmly believes in the J. Ginn theory that suggests a man is concerned about a rumor that has become popular in recent days. Unrevealable sources have stated that our stadium host, Mr Noots himself, has been bribed to shave skunktails in the heads of the confident Bomb Squad. In fact, a more detailed rumor suggests that Noots has been paid a hefty sum to shave "Bum Squirt" in Dave Lord's head. The committee hopes that these rumors are proven False on Tuesday. Bedford High teacher, Mr. MacDonald, also a resident on Hardy Road, has contacted the committee five or six times to see if he could provide musical entertainment for the crowd on game day. The committee turned down his offer when MacDonald suggested that his band, "The Foreign Language Week Freaks" would be playing shirtless on the back of his tan Jeep. The committee did, however, accept his son's offer to chase foul balls through poison ivy.

There is no need to outline the rules and regulations because most recipients of this letter are four year veterans. However, the following rule changes have been made to fix problems from last years tourney, and to accomodate regulations of streaker stadium. No belly buton or half-shirts. The committee will be keeping a close eye on athletes Stone, Ginn, and Chase to ensure that this rule is respected.

No sticky fingers. It is common knowledge that people have put stickum on their gloves for better defensive ability. This will not be tolerated this year. Mr. Venuti would be wise to throw away the Extra-thick Vermont Maple Syrup that he bought at the UVM bookstore.

No Now and Laters. Since the recent bust of Now and Later Dealer Antoine Harris, the Boston Police Department has traced some of the heaviest Now and Later circulation to the Bedford area. The committee will cooperate with the law in getting Now and Laters off the streets.

No Werther's Original Butterscotch for similar reasons. Official Wiffleball bats oonly. No pork swords, meat puppets, or frozen roots will be considered legal for play.