Wiffleball 1996 Newsletter

We are a few weeks away from the most highly anticipated wiffleball tournament ever. With a half decade of wiffleball emories behind us, the league is still buzzing with plans and controversy. In fact, this six-year old tournament seems to have developed into something new. The "New Breed" has ended the monotony of the "Bomb Squad's" yearly domination, reminding is that you don't have to eat healthy to be a champion. Also, new participants suc as "The Underdogs" have added the sweet scent of fresh blood to the wiffleball tournament.

The offseason is an opportunity for participants to improve their wiffleball skills. Tradition has shown us, however, that some wiffleball athletes run into trouble with the law and committee regulations. Unfortunatley this year is no exception. Bomb Squad superhero Geoff Chase has been brought up on gambling charges that may jeopardize his career. A league investigation has linked Chase with convicted felon "Mumbles" Magoo who is notorious for running numbers and placing high stakes on Bedford VA Golf course competition. Magoo has told sources such as the Lowell Sun that Chase has bet against his own team in the 1995 wiffleball tournament at Streaker Stadium. When questioned, he responded "Ibdda ub uba I tink he was teasin' the ovah and picked dem to lose...that last game was worth a few grand."

Everybody knows that Chase is in pursuit of the career hit record which is held by wiffleball legend Tie Cubb. If a league investigation fuinds Chase guilty, he will never break Cubb's record. The committee may also rule out acceptance into the wiffleball hall of fame, which has recently been built on Lantern Lane.

The committee is working on a disciplinary decision for the "Gashouse Gorillas" who held their first team practice in Purity Supreme a few weeks ago. According to a reliable source at the deli counter, who goes by the name of "spider", the Gorillas were taking fast pitch batting practice in aisle 3. Pitcher Mike Anderson has testified in a committee hearing that he and Chip Mofield were carrying no money and couldn't take the ball and bat out of the store. Mofield pleaded his innocence" "He had just signed with the team and I Wanted to see our new guy in action." The teams punishment will depend on an investigation to determine whether the store manager's alegations are true. He has accused Mofield of destroying an entire shelf of Hydrox cookies in one swing. Mofield has a history of sports related felonies in the Purity store. Police reports show that Mofield was arrested in 1987 for an accident trhat occured in the frozen foods section while he was dunking plastic kickballs into the big wire basket. The committee will closely examine his record.

John Mara has announced his return to Wiffleball competition and he claims he is ready and rehabilitated. It was not publicly known at the time, but Mara missed last year's competition because he was in substance abuse rehab. He was eager to talk with the committee about his comeback trai: "I first checked into rehab when I realized I had a Clamato problem. Everywhere I went, I always had a bottle of Clamato with me. Last year I kept a flask of it in my car, and one next to my bed. Clamato was running my life." Clamato is made up of clam and tomato juice, John cannot have either. "The one thing I ask is that nobody bring Clamato to the tournament this year. I have control of my addiction, but seeing others pounding Clamato would be a dangerous temptation."

Southpaw slugger Teriggi Ciccone has recently admitted to the committee that he accepted over $1,780 in jewelry before the 1991 wiffleball tournament. "The Italian Scallion", as some wiffleball fans call him, was seen wearing a necklace in a May press conference while discussing the future of his team, the "Ultimate Warriors." During a hearing last week, Ciccone pleaded that he did not know at the time that the jewelry was from an agent, originally claimed that the jewelry came from a young man name Phil from New Jersey but later changed his story: "In all honesty, my friend John Ginn gave me the jewelry. I took it and didn't ask any questions. I was just looking out for my boys, you know. Ginn got one of his own." The committee reviewed past tapes of wiffleball competition and found and found that Ginn, was indeed, wearing a mysterious necklace with a bogus image of a football on it. Ginn will be questioned upon his re-entry to competition. Ciccone's past heroics including his famous grand slam in the semi-finals of the 1991 tournament may be ruled illegitimate. It is also likely that Ginn's 1992 Bake McBride Hustle Award will be confiscated. Phil from Jersey could not be contacted.

For those of you who anticipate a break up of the world famous Bomb Squad, here's one more indication that the team is falling apart. David "Largemouth" Lord couldn't keep his mouth shut for his own teammate this summer. He turned in Geoff Chase to the committee for illegal manipulation of a wiffleball bat. lord claims that Chae was planning on using a bat stuffed with nips from the liquor stor. League rules state that any bats stuffed with nips are illegal. Those stuffed with whiskey can result in expulsion of theowner from the league forever. Luckily for Chase, the committee found that his bat was only stuffed with nips of Peppermint Schnapps.

All perennial wiffleballers know that the tourney has traditionally been held in the spring, and this year is an exception. The committee has allowed the change in scheduling in order to accomodate every participant. That is, participants such as Colin Ross and Matt Kyvelos will not miss the tournament due to their late stay at school. SO here it is folks. The tournament will be held on Saturday June 29th at Cobra Park located at the historic home of Josh Cohen on Old Billerica Road. There will be a mandatory press conference a week before the tournament, on Thursday June 20th at Colin Ross' home.