Various Funny Quotes
On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away. -- Tom Lehrer
--------------------
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. --Ellen DeGeneris
---------------------------
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner
---------------------------
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead.
--Sue Kolinsky
---------------------------
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. --Carol Leifer
---------------------------
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. --Ed Bluestone
---------------------------
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
--Jackie Gleason
---------------------------
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" --Jay Leno
---------------------------
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. --Roger Simon
---------------------------
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. --Dave Edison
---------------------------
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. --George Gobel
---------------------------
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. --Billiam Coronel
---------------------------
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. --Oscar Wilde
----------------------------
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. --A. Whitney Brown
---------------------------
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. --Dave Barry
---------------------------
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress ... But I repeat myself. --MarkTwain
---------------------------
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
--A. Whitney Brown
---------------------------
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. --Jim Carrey
---------------------------
My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." --Paula Poundstone
---------------------------
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. --Jeff Stilson
---------------------------
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. --Sue Murphy
---------------------------
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. --Lily Tomlin
---------------------------
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. --Jerry Seinfeld
---------------------------
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. --Lynda Montgomery
---------------------------
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? --Marilyn Pittman
---------------------------
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? --Lily Tomlin
---------------------------
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? --Robin Williams
---------------------------
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. --Jerry Seinfield
Back To Humor Page
Email: aislinn@aol.com