My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honor, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "help wanted". There was another sign below it that said "self service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I was walking through the woods, a tree fell right in front of me and I didn't hear it.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy train schedules?"
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (picks up his glass of water from the stool)... I like to live on the edge...
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I took a baby shower.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in *exactly* the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
This isn't all true.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was better.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I lost a button hole today.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (slow glance upward)
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birthmark until he was eight years old.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
(If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.)
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings. . . Boy With Pail. . . Kitten On Fire.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
I invented the cordless extension cord.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.