"We would like to begin the boarding process." Extra word: process. Not necessary. Boarding is enough. We'd like to begin the boarding. Simple, tells the story. People add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. "Boarding process." Sounds important. It isn't. It's just a bunch of people getting on an airplane.
People like to sound important. Weathermen on television talk about "shower activity." Sounds more important than "showers." I even heard one guy on CNN talking about a "rain event." Swear to god! He said "Louisiana's expecting a rain event." I thought 'holy shit, I hope I can tickets to that!'
Emergency situation. News people like to say "police have responded to an emergency situation." No, they haven't. They've responded to an emergency. We know it's a situation. Everything is a situation.
Anyway, as part of this boarding process, they say "We would like to preboard." Well, what exactly is that anyway? What does is it mean to preboard, you get on before you get on?
That's another complaint of mine, too much use of this prefix "pre." It's all over the language now. Pre this, pre that... "Place the turkey in a preheated oven..." It's ridiculous, there are only two states an oven can possibly exist in, heated or unheated! Preheated is a meaningless fucking term. It's like prerecorded. "This program was prerecorded." Well, of course it was prerecorded! When else are you gonna record it, afterwards? That's the whole purpose of recording, to do it beforehand. Otherwise it doesn't really work does it? Preexisting, preplanning, prescreening...you know what I tell these people? PRESUCK MY GENITAL SITUATION!!
...And they seem to understand what I'm talking about.
Anyway...as part of this boarding, they say "We would like to preboard those passengers traveling with small children." Well, what about those passengers with large children?? Suppose you have a two year old with a petuitary disorder? You know, a six foot infant with an oversized head? The kinda kid you see in national inquirer all the time... Actually with a kid like that I think you're better off checking him right in with your luggage at the curb, don't you? Well, they like it under there, it's dark, they're used to that.
About this time someone's telling you to get on the plane. "Get on the plane, get on the plane." I say "fuck you, I'm getting IN the plane. IN the plane. Let Evil Kennivel get ON the plane. I'll be in here with you folks in uniform. There seems to be less wind in here!"
They might tell you you're on the nonstop flight. Well, I don't think I care for that. No, I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport. It's those sudden unscheduled corn field and housing development stops that seem to interrupt the flow of my day.
Here's one they just made up: "near miss." When two planes almost collide, they call it a near miss. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. *BOOM* "Look, they nearly missed." "Yes, but not quite!"
They might tell you your flight has been delayed because of a change of equipment. BROKEN PLANE... They tell me to put my seat back forward...well I don't bend that way! If I could put my seat back forward, I'd be in porno movies. Then they mention carry on luggage. The first time I heard carry on, I thought they were going to bring a dead deer on board. I thought what the heck they need with that, don't they have the little TV dinners anymore? Then I thought carry on, carry on, there's going to be a party. People are going to be carrying on on the plane. Well, I don't care for that, I like a serious attitude on the plane, especially on the flight deck, which is the latest euphemism for COCK PIT. I can't imagine why they wouldn't want to use a lovely word like COCK PIT, can you? Especially with all those stewardesses going in and out of it all the time.
There's one, there's a word that's changed: stewardess. First it was hostess, then stewardess, now it's flight attendant. Know what I call them? The lady on the plane. Sometimes it's a man on the plane now, that's good: equality - I'm all in favor of that. Sometimes, they actually refer to these people as "uniformed crew members." Uniformed - as opposed to that guy sitting next to you in the grateful dead T-shirt and the fuck you hat-who's working on his ninth little bottle of Kailua I might add.
As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, that's when they begin the safety lecture. I love the safety lecture. This is my favorite part of the airplane ride. I listen very carefully to the safety lecture; especially that part when they teach us how to use the seat belt. Imagine this: here we are, a plane full of grown human beings, many of us partially educated, and they're actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle! "Place the small metal flap into the buckle." Well, I asked for clarification at that point. "Over here please, over here, yes...thank you very much. Did I hear you correctly? Did you say place the small metal flap into the buckle...or place the buckle over and around the small metal flap? I am a simple man, I do not possess an engineering degree, nor am I mechanically inclined. Sorry to have taken up so much of your time, please continue with the wonderful safety lecture." Seat belt -- high tech shit!
The safety lecture continues. The next thing they do: they tell you to locate your nearest emergency exit. I do this immediately. I locate my nearest emergency exit, and then I plan my route. You have to plan your route -- it's not always a straight line, is it? Sometimes there's a really big fat fuck sitting right in front of you. Well, you know you'll never get over him. I look around for women and children, midgets and dwarves, cripples, war widows, paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anybody who looks like they can't move too well. The emotionally disturbed come in very handy at a time like this; you might have to go out of your way to find these people, but you'll get out of the plane a lot goddamn quicker believe me. I say 'Lets see... I'll go around the fat fuck, step on the widows head, push those children out of the way, knock down the paralyzed midget, and get out of the plane where I can help others.' I can be of no help to anyone if I'm lying unconscious in the aisle with some big cocksucker standing on my head. I must get out of the plane, go to a nearby farmhouse, have a doctor pepper, and call the police.
The safety lecture continues... "In the unlikely even..." This is a very suspect phrase, especially coming as it does from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times. "In the unlikely even of a sudden change of cabin pressure... --ROOF FLIES OFF!!-- an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally." Well, I have no problem with that; I always breathe normally when I'm in a 600 M.P.H. uncontrolled vertical dive. I also shit normally. RIGHT IN MY PANTS!! They tell you to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your child with his. I did not need to be told that. In fact I'm probably going be too busy screaming to help him at all. This is a good time for him to learn self-reliance. If he can program his fucking VCR, then he can goddamn jolly well learn to adjust an oxygen mask. Fairly simple thing, just a little rubber band in the back is all it is. Not nearly as complicated as, say, for instance, a seat belt...
The safety lecture continues... "In the unlikely event of a water landing..." Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to crashing into the ocean? "...your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device." Well, imagine that, my seat cushion...just what I need; to float around the North Atlantic for several days, clinging to a pillow full of beer farts!
The flight continues. A little later on toward the end, we hear: "The captain has turned on the fasten seat belt sign." Well, who gives a shit who turned it on? What does that have to do with anything? It's on, isn't it? And who made this man a captain, might I ask? Did I sleep through some sort of an armed forces swearing in ceremony or something? Captain? He's a fucking pilot and let him be happy with that. If those sightseeing announcements are any mark of his intellect, he's lucky to be working at all. Tell the captain that Air Marshal Carlin says "Go Fuck Yourself!"
The next sentence I hear is full of things that piss me off. "Before leaving the aircraft, please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board." Well...let's start with "immediate seating area." Seat! It's a goddamn SEAT! Check around your seat.... "for any personal belongings" ... well what other kind of belongings are there besides personal? PUBLIC belongings? Do these people honestly think I might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the park? "you might have brought on board" ... well... I might have brought my arrow head collection. I didn't. So I'M NOT GOING TO LOOK FOR IT! I'm going to look for things I brought on board. It seems to enhance the likelihood of my finding something, wouldn't you say?
They tell me to return my seat back and tray table to their original upright positions. Fine, who's going to return this guy in the grateful dead T-shirt and the fuck you hat to his original upright position?
About this time they tell you you'll be landing shortly. That sound to you like we're gonna miss the runway? Final approach is not very promising either is it? Final is not a good word to be using on an airplane. Sometimes the pilot will get on and say "We'll be on the ground in 15 minutes." Well, that's a little vague, isn't it??
Now we're taxiing in. She says "welcome to O'Hare international airport." Well, how can someone who is just arriving herself possible welcome me to a place she isn't even at yet? Doesn't this violate some fundamental law of physics? We're only on the ground 4 seconds, she's coming on like the fucking mayor's wife! "Where the local time..." Well, of course it's the local time! What did you think we were expecting, the time in Pango Pango? "Enjoy your stay in Chicago, or wherever your final destination might be." ALL destinations are final. That's what it means. Destiny, final...if you haven't gotten where you're going...you aren't there yet! "The captain has asked..." More shit from the bogus captain...you know, for someone who's supposed to be flying an airplane he's taking a mighty big interest in what I'm doing back here! "...that you remain seated until he has brought the aircraft to a complete stop." Not a partial stop. Because during a partial stop, I partially get up. "Please continue to observe the no smoking sign until well inside the terminal." It's physically impossible to observe the no smoking sign even if you're standing just outside the door of the airplane, much less well inside the terminal. You can't even see the plane from inside the terminal.
Which brings me to "terminal." Another unfortunate word to be used in association with air travel. And they use it all over the airport, don't they? Somehow I just can't get hungry in a place called the terminal snack bar. But if you've ever eaten there you know it's an appropriate name...