Scenes From a Hat

Where the um, good people of the GMCA have to think of skits based on random suggestions. Yeah, just like that show.

Written By
Nathan Baxter
The Black Wyvern of Armorica
Charles Boucher
Classic Drogn
Daisuke Yumoto
Gaijin Dan Mastriani
Keori
The King in Yellow
Signus Megido
Kyo Misfire
NeoVid
Reader in Invisible Fanfics
Jonatan Streith
Yun of the Unspellable Name

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO AN ASSASSIN

Replica: And exactly HOW do you think you're going to kill me with THAT?

Card: Can I try too?

Zenith: I... I was going to return the money later! Promise! Um... the stolen drugs? The missing disks? My overdue library books?

Yun: Ook Ook...

Noe: Is that a good twitch... or a bad twitch?

I: Imi shimi paek poji ida!*

Keori: You want to do what to my what with what?

Ch'oe: [crotch chops] Suck it!

Teotl: It took you this long?

General Trent: Try it.

Wyvern Neo: {laughs and points}

Martyr: Assassin? You're way too scrawny to be an assassin. I could kick your ass if I was paraplegic. What, you want to make an issue out of it?

PBA[S] Wyvern: Aw, that's a cute little gun you got there, kid. Now you run off and play, you hear?

Teki-chan: {poops on the assassin's shoe}

NeoVid: Yeah? Or else what?

Judgment: You'll need a bigger weapon than that if you want to scare me.

Dan: Up a little. Now to the right. A little more. A little more. Right! Hold it right there! Now THAT is where you should aim to get a clean head shot.

Skrib: You know, lots of people would pay a fortune for Dragon Hide and Teeth...

Sig: If you're the real deal, why am I still alive?

NZ: You're pathetic.

King in Yellow: That will [never] work.

Golden Queen: While the sex was good, I've been cheating on you with half the Cthulhu Mythos. No hard feelings?

Drogn: There's no way you can convince me that you really have a miniature nuke in that briefcase. No way.

Daisuke: Do you REALLY want my money or not?

Hiroshi: [attempts to break the assassin's gun like Superman]

Charles: "Aww... isn't it quaint! I thought they stopped making you guys ages ago. Gordy! Jack! Check this out.."

Xachary: "Make love to me."

Misa: "Groovy! Isn't that a Baretta 19F with extended slip and sports scope? I've been looking for one of those."

Kyo: If you're a REAL assassin, you shouldn't need a whole clip.

Kim: Can I call you "Spanky"?

Reader: Can I have a minute to remember where that Shiatsu death point is?

*: I don't know what this means but I know it's bad...

AUTOBIOGRAPHY TITLES

Replica: "Ten worlds to remember and five hundred not worth the effort"

Card: "Your guide to humorous deaths"

Zenith: "Money is a girl's best friend"

ChibiVid Plushie: (doing Elephant Man impression) "I AM NOT A STUFFED ANIMAL!"

Jake: "You'll Never Understand This."

Teki-chan: "BWA??"

Wyvern Neo: "One Androgyne's Quest to Take Gory and Utterly Predjudiced [REVENGE] On the Cosmic Forces That Dared To F*ck With Its Life. Yeah, That Means YOU GUYS!"

PBA[S] Wyvern: "How I Kicked Yuusuke's @$$ and Got Lots of Fame, Women, and Power Too"

Louiya Sang Wu Lac: "DON'T TOUCH MY BUTT: The Day When I Finally 'Dealt' With My Fan Club" (aka. "An Eyewitness Account of the Great Massacre of 2016")

Teotl: "Rise of Empire"

General Trent: "The Art of Space"

Yun: "The Exploding Beanie Babies Collectors Guide"

The Entire KSP: "How to Get Kicked Out of a Dojo in Just Three Days"

Keori: "Is That a Wakizashi in Your Pocket... Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?"

Dan: "I Am So Not Telling You the Details of My Life"

Reader: "Here and There and Then and Now and Back There and Coming Up and Passin Through..."

Alyss: "A Muse's Tale"

Daisuke: "The Book all Serious Fighters must Read"

Hiroshi: "How to get Possessed by a Demon in no Time"

Skrib: "Dragon Spirit, The Life of a Tournament Champion."

Sig: "Confessions of a Shadow Agent."

Kyo: "A Man And His Cow (No, Not Like That!)"

Kim: "A Child Called "Whore".

Charles: "Dr. Boucher, or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Evil Corporation."

Xachary: "I'm Not a Lunatic, But I Play One in Real Life."

KiY: "How to [fuck] yourself over by taking the Unspeakable Oath, or Don't... Say... The... [Name]."

GQ: "Dances with Great Old Ones"

Drogn: "I Am NOT High!"

YOUR DEFINING MOMENT IN LIFE

Keori: Shit... I's got the key to my chastity belt...

I: ... I've got the key to Keori's chastity belt ^_^

Yun: [grabs clothing store clerk by the neck] What do you mean there's no market for denim jackets anymore!?!?!?

Replica: [A much younger Replica is flying through the air, suspended by her feet] Wow, these giant lizards are so cool!

Zenith: [hugging a Duplicator] I want you. Right here, right now.

Tas: Wow, we really are a bunch of cruel control-freaks.

NeoVid: [falls on his head]

Teotl: Discovering the Geneva Report.

General Trent: Looking at the stars from the zero G section of Lagrange 5

Wyvern Neo: [comes out of the supermarket just in time to see its car explode] NOOOOOOO!! MY ENTIRE ANNE RICE COMIC BOOK COLLECTION WAS IN THERE!!! [falls to the ground sobbing] Those were all discontinued...DAMN YOU, FATE!! DAMN YOUUUU!!

Louiya Sang Wu Lac: [gets crushed beneath a sex-crazed fat woman who has leapt off the top of a tall building]

Teki-chan: [cleans her butt]

Skrib: [watching his first created world becoming reality] My, how interesting... [begins to cackle madly]

Sig: [points at Skrib] Our first meeting.

Reader: Looking at the contents of the Unseen University's Library and drooling slightly.

Alyss: Trying not to laugh as the Reader blows himself up within 5 minutes of their meeting.

Charles: "Too messed up to be a street preacher, not messed up enough to be a schizoid mass murderer... What to do, what to do?"

Dan: Street Fighter II.

Kim: I too shall learn to pee standing up!

KiY: Wiping out all the life on a planet for the first time.

GQ: Having a threesome with Yog-Sothoth and Shub-Niggerath.

Daisuke: Dammit, you sliced off my tail!! WHY?!

Hiroshi: [grabs Lost & Found guy] Where'd all my energy go?! TELL ME!

Drogn: The day I had my brain removed and replaced with a slice of toast spread with Vegemite.

WORST THING TO HEAR FROM A DOCTOR

Card: I'm sorry, miss. But you can't help perform the surgery.

Replica: Congratulations, Ms. Replica. The results were positive.

Zenith: Here's the bill for your treatment.

Teotl: [in a very thick Chinese accent] I'm sorry, Sire, but it will be a very delicate operation.

General Trent: You're grounded.

I: I'm sorry we're going to have to remove your liver.

Ch'oe: It appears the fingers on your right hand have been completely bitten off.

NeoVid: You... are alive.... right?

Jake: Oh man, I must be having another flashback...

Wyvern Neo: Sir--uh, miss--the reason why your back hurts is because your intestines seem to have replaced your spine. That, and we can't find your ribs anywhere.

PBA[S] Wyvern: Sir, I need a urine sample.*

Louiya Sang Wu Lac: [puts a large gun against Lou's head] I'm afraid that I'm going to have to refer you to a specialist.

Kyo: Well, you'll save money, seeing as it's inoperable.

Kim: That's the first time I've seen something like that, and I must say, I'm amused, shocked, and confused as to how that could get there.

Reader: Well, I hope you aren't halfway through reading any books.

Alyss(in the Reader's body): Erm, miss... it seems you've developed an allergic reaction to hot water.

Drogn: I'm sorry, but I have some bad news. You might want to sit down... All our editing proved in vain... your plot is... dead.

Dan: "You'll never hold a controler or type again."

Xachary: "Nurse Feelgood, what's this red, squiggly bit right here? I really hope he doesn't plan on using it."

Daisuke: I'm sorry, but we replaced your spine with a sawed-off broom handle. Our apologies.

Hiroshi: In the process of the arm replacement, my assistant tossed your arms out the window by mistake. They may have been splattered by now.

Skrib: Ever considered becoming an organ donor?

Sig: There's something odd about your chest X-ray test...

NZ: If it's any consolation, that lump inside your belly is not a tumor...

KiY: There appears to be some blood in your poisons.

GQ: Let's talk about STDs...

*: It's got no genitalia. And it actually has to TELL the guy about that now.

HOBBIES FOR THE INVINCIBLE

Replica: Doing prank calls on the Guardians of Order.

Zenith: Trying to stiff my bill. [cracks knuckles]

Card: Playing tag with Dante, the Burning Man.

NeoVid: Cordless bungee jumping!!

Judgment: ...nah, I'd get censored if I said it.

Keori: Moshing with PBA[S].

Ch'oe: Drinking contests with I Sur-.

Teotl: Walking alone through the streets of Nova Hong Kong.

General Trent: Skinny dipping in vacuum.

Wyvern Neo: Anybody remember those Hellraiser movies? Remember that guy with all the nails stuck into his skull? Think you can beat that record? >:)

PBA[S] Wyvern: Internal-organ tattooing.

Teki-chan: Creating a chunk of poo visible from space (ouch).

Louiya Sang Wu Lac: A combo between skinny dipping and active-volcano-diving.

Martyr and Lastclaw: Telling jokes to angels with no sense of humor.

Kyo: Kraken-wrestling.

Kim: Ground zero reporter.

Dan: Underwater deep breathing.

Skrib: Hunting Self-Gratifying Author Avatars and Bad Self-Insertions, stuff 'em and put them in my den.
Sig: Speak for yourself. >_<
Skrib: ^-^_v
Sig: Myself? Learning new magicks from the masters like Dark Schneider by volunteering to be the target.

NZ: Weapons testing at ground zero.

KiY: Taunting Dholes (FYI, dholes are [bad]. In the Call of Cthulhu RPG, if one hits you, you have to make a luck check to see if there is enough pieces left to bury)

Drogn: Hunting Gundams in their natural environment, to hang their stuffed heads on the wall of the ol' Authorial Abode; Freestyle ICBM racing.

Daisuke: Approaching Jackie Chan every day with a weapon in your hand.

Hiroshi: Inviting succubuses like Morrigan out for a date.

Reader: playing around with space and drinking at the same time.

Alyss(in the Reader's body): Competing in the GMCA alone.

Xachary: Taunting the Lady of Pain.

Cyber-Charles: Bobbing for Barracudas.

REJECTED GAME SHOWS

Wyvern Neo: "Whose [G_O_D] Are You Anyway?"

Teki-chan: "Ai? (aka. The Dating Game For Japanese-Speaking Nonhumans)"

Card: "Your Money or Your Limbs!"

Replica: "Five-Dimensional Bingo"

Zenith: "Squash-A-Monkey"

Noe: "Who Wants to Marry a Korean Martial Artist?"

I: "Win I Sur-'s Soju"

Teotl: "The Daily Executions!" (winner lives)

General Trent: "Guess That Artist"

Judgment: "Welcome back to 'Can It Hurt Any Worse?'"

Reader: "Hunt the Book or Interdimensional Hide-and-Seek."

Alyss: "Marathon storytelling."

Dan: "Push the Button, Win a Cookie" (Yeah, I stole it from Garfield and Friends. Sue me. Oh, hello. You say you're Jim Davis's lawyer?)

KiY: "Welcome back to Survivor, R'lyeh edition"

GQ: "Wanna sip?"

Kyo: "This Is Your Life Sentence!"

Kim: "Virii Of Fortune."

Skrib: (opens his maw)
Sig: No.
Skrib: (puppy-dog eyes) Please?
Sig: [NO.]
Skrib: Aw, [nuts].

NZ: Care to spin -- The Wheel Of MisFortune?

David: "The Price is Completely Wrong, You Fool."

Charles: "Who Wants To Be Shot in the Crotch by a Millionaire."

Xachary: "Win Ben Steinís Kidney Stone."

Daisuke: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the "Fight or get your Ass Beaten to Death Show" with Bruce Lee!

Hiroshi: Now we're back to "Beat the Buzzsaw"!

Drogn: "Chef Drogn's Gourmet Challenge!"

INSTANT IQ TEST

I: You're buying?

Keori: Who took my cue stick?

Yun: Who took my jacket?

Noe: Who Wants to Marry a Korean Martial Artist?

Zenith: If you can't pay, maybe you'd like to owe me a favor?

Card: Please try to unjam this mincing machine.

Guardian: So... exactly WHAT are your powers based on?

Teotl: What do you think of me?

General Trent: [scribbles on a notepad] Here, solve this.

Judgment: Sorry, you didn't run away in time.

NeoVid: Hey, wanna talk to me?

Jake: [glances at you]

Wyvern Neo: "Hmm...say, does this make me look fat?"

Teki-chan: "Bwa?" [waits expectantly for response]

Kaze: [looks up from mutilating somebody] "Oh, something you wanted to discuss?"

Skrib: Wanna see all of me from the inside?

Sig: I'm giving you ten seconds to run. Five...

Dan: Want to show me what you'd do to get smited by God?

KiY: How do you pronounce this word, "H.. A.. S.. T.. U.. R"?

Reader: Hey, wanna help me sort out all my stuff?

Drogn: Can I cook? *

Daisuke: Where are your skills? Are you even a fighter?

Charles: Iím going for coffee... Watch the Scorpion Dane While Iím away?

Kyo: Wanna look in my bag?

Kim: How cute do you think Kyo is?

*: I am tehnically proficient as a cook, and even come up with things that taste okay to really good most of the time... but never ask about the ingredients. Ever.

YOUR DREAM MOVIE

Card: Ooh, I'd like a cute, beautiful movie with lots of birds and doves and butterflies and bunnies, all so cute and dear as they jump and frolic and fall directly into the burning pits of hell, where there's pain and suffering...

Tas: I'd like a drama. Or possibly a black-and-white silent movie, maybe a farce. It'd be something else to watch at home, instead of these BLOODY chaotic DAMNED rolling vistas of ACCURSED potentiality... It's enough to make a man go INSANE, just ROLLING AND ROLLING like some damned DESK TOY! AAAAAARRGH! LET ME [OUT] OF [HERE]!!! *pant, pant* I'm fine. I'm in control.

Teotl: The End of the World as We Know It (Who Feels Fine?)

General Trent: Something 2001ish.

Judgment: I'd just get censored again.

NeoVid: Hmmm... 'Rocky vs Rambo'...

Noe: Ch'oe Nabi with a monologue.

I: Drunken Master 2000.

Wyvern Neo: Maybe a film version of The Sandman. Only with more bishonen, increased allegories, a ton of BFGs, ten times the gratuitous violence, and less gay people. Yeah, that's about right...

Louiya Sang Wu Lac: A movie where the MC guy does NOT get the obvious-love-interest girl, and is actually HAPPY about it.

Teki-chan: MWAH?!? ("A super-kawaii movie with ME!! ^_^ Wai wai wai!! Everybody wants a movie like THAT!")

Martyr: A movie where you, PERSONALLY, die horribly. Now get the f*ck out of my face.

The Storyteller: A movie about ANYTHING I want? Okay, then...I'd be a sexy dominatrix and I'd have Sephiroth and Mr.Holiday as my SLAVES! ...Um, and don't tell them that I ever suggested this. ^^;;

Kyo: Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Chow Yun Fat and Bruce Willis take on a skyscraper full of Triad members. Sammo Hung's also in there, but spends the entire movie wearing a cow suit.

Reader: Anything without monkeys in it. At all.

Dan: "Dan Hibiki: The Movie."

Misa: "Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. Michael Myers Vs. Leatherface: Friday the Thirteenth on Halloween on Elm Street in Texas."

Daisuke: Me and my brother would be fighting against the most crappiest music bands/singers in the world, i.e. Spice Girls, Hanson, Ricky Martin, Bush, Britney Spears, etc., for the sake of the universe.

Hiroshi: Martial arts movie featuring a revived Bruce Lee...or something.

Drogn: "(the Real) Godzilla Came Down to Redmond" (Title song set to the tune of "The Devil Came Down to Georgia")

KiY: "Honey, I joined the cult of HastuRAAAAAaARGH"

GQ: Debbie Does R'lyeh, Uncut edition.

Skrib: GMCA, The Motion Picture.

Sig: Something written, produced, and directed by myself. A film that accurately portrays my true, unadultered vision of reality, portraying humanity's dreams, hopes and fears. A film that makes everyone feel good just watching a few moments of it. A film that will [revolutionize] the [WORLD].
Skrib: (stares) ...
Sig: What?
Skrib: ...You... took the words right out of my mouth. (glomps Sig) I'm so proud of you!
Sig: ACK! GET OFF ME, YOU STUPID...!!!