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AN OPEN LETTER TO BUDS
Buds,
I got so used to the term that
even if it doesn’t mean the same thing anymore, I believe
that you are still my Buddy…you know, the kind of person one
grows old with, the kind of person one trusts and loves for
the rest of his life.
First, I want to thank you for
coercing (?) me to go to the YFC camp. There were a lot of
things I didn’t expect to happen. I did not, for one moment,
think I could give up something which I have called my own for
so many years to Someone whose existence I was beginning to
doubt. That is, I never thought giving up my life to God, the
One true Being who loves me despite of me.
Going to the essence of this
letter, no, you did not fail me. It was just that I failed to
see through you. I guess I was just hurt because everything
that happened (the break-up and everything that happened after
that) did not turn out the way I visualized them. Do you still
remember your wedding plans for 2001? That kind of stuck with
me and I was really looking forward to it, which might have
explained why I expected so much out of the relationship.
Maybe the fact that you were the first femme I have come to
know (and the only Kaydet Girl featured in the Corps Mag I
happened to be well acquainted with) contributed to that
feeling. These things don’t happen everyday. You don’t
meet someone who makes your life go round, love them and
treasure them with all your heart and the next thing,
something struck and everything went blank. With you around,
as a co-femme, I felt as if someone understood almost exactly
how I feel (although I am not discounting the fact that we are
two individuals, unique). You gave me confidence and believed
in me so much that I came to know of myself and of what I can
do. When the break-up came, it seemed as if my days with a
friend have ended too. Yes, I know that despite that, you told
me that we’d still be friends as before. However, I no
longer felt bound to you, I no longer felt something that
would keep me attached to you. I felt as if you had totally
destroyed that common thing we have. I was hurt. I felt so
rejected. And since you have your newfound friends, I felt as
if you no longer needed me.
For months (until the camp), I
was like a lover brooding over a lost love. I feel hurt every
time I see you and that new guy together, thinking of the
what-could-have-beens for you and that particular “mistah”.
I talked to him during the summer nights (pinupuyat nya ako
because we stroll around the area until the wee hours of
morning) and he poured out his heart to me, just as you have,
a long long time ago. He was telling me of how he (in a way or
another) led you to Christ, but somehow when you found your
own way to Him, he was left alone. I felt for him, just as I
felt for you. I became so involved, really. I felt his pain,
but I did not of yours because we did not talk much after the
break-up.
It was hard for me to accept
that YOU & HIM no longer existed, that it was just a
pigment from the past, perhaps a scar left over by a wound.
The wound it had caused me did not leave a scar from up until
the camp it was still fresh. I was so hesitant to go to camp
because I know that I will only be hurt to see you with your
new boyfriend. But I believed that some Force brought me there
and that was, I affirm, God’s.
I did not know how to accept and
tell you all the things I feel. But I felt that I had to have
someone pray over that concern so that I will have the courage
to tell you all that and more (and I’m doing so, now!).
I’m sorry if I hadn’t told
you sooner. I’m sorry if I had been too selfish to see
through you. I’m sorry if I made you cry during camp (hindi
ka tuloy nakakanta!). I’m sorry if I made it all wrong when
things were turning out so right for you. I just didn’t know
how to take it.
I was healed by the camp, Buds.
I finally learned to accept, I finally saw your happiness
despite my pain and somehow that happiness helped me heal. I
can see God working in you and I’ve never seen you so happy
and contented with your life. Yes, I still hurt but I’ve
done something to make the wound a scar. I’m healing it and
I know that in time, it will just be like one of yours, a scar
of the past which would remind both of us of a bittersweet
moment. I admit that after yours, I did not become so involved
or updated or so into any relationship of a mistah because I
was afraid to expect again. I became afraid of persons coming
and going into my life.
Buds…I finally found something
we again, have in common and that is Christ. There is nothing
more I could ask for now because you and I have become one
again in Christ.
Thanks for everything,
especially for understanding. I hope that your new found love
can read this to let him know also how sorry I am to have been
so rude to him (unknowingly, perhaps). I hope that we could be
better sisters (yihee!) through this…
Even if fate separates us from
one another and sometimes we will fail to keep in touch, I
will not worry of you because I know that there will be four
hands which will be willing to catch you in your every
fall…God’s and your true love’s.
I love you! God bless always!
FOR SOMEONE IN THE ANGEL'S REALM
Dear Sir,
You are so subtle yet utterly divine. I do not know how else to say
the things that have been longing to escape from my heart, from my
lips. Yes, I still long for your eyes, those that shone a light for
me when things were at their darkest. I still long for your embrace,
that which elects my soul. I still long for your lips, your tender
kiss that brings my very being to an unknown place, a state perhaps.
I loved you, I did. With my whole heart, with my whole soul… I
almost gave you everything, my time, my effort, my heart, my soul…I
almost gave you me. Yet you didn’t take your chances to own me. You
were too afraid to touch me, yet too afraid to lose me. You thought
of what others would say, not paying attention to what you feel. You
were too conscious of what others would think, not minding what your
heart tells you.
I, on the other hand, waited. I waited, excitedly, tiredly, and
impatiently. Until I could not hold on any longer, I could not wait
anymore. You told me of your fears and I told you of my love. You
told me of your hesitations, I told you of my heartaches. You told
me of your life, I told you of mine with you. Yet, there was no
mention of your love for me, only care and concern and friendship.
Accepting that we were destined to be friends and loving you at the
same time seemed paradoxical. Yet, I have learned to live with it.
But you did not stick to the promises we made, that you’d wed at 30
and I will serenade you and your loved one with songs of love and
worship. You left me and forgot our pact. You wed at 25 and I was
not to sing you songs because what you told me would change my life
forever.
While I looked at you, tears falling from my eyes, you told me of a
girl you love, a girl you were afraid to touch but at the same time
you were afraid to lose. You’re in love with a girl who made your
world turn around. You’re in love with a girl you thought was too
young for you. And as you wiped away my tears, you told me that girl
was I.
You asked me to wait so I waited again, excitedly, tiredly and
impatiently. Until I could not, again, hold on any longer. I wanted
to feel the warmth of an embrace and the sweet taste of a kiss, but I
know you can no longer give it to me. And so I loved again, and you
knowing of my relationship decided to give deeper meaning to yours.
But now you’re coming back, and I know I’m confused. For I know that
it is you and you alone. Yet, it’s him I love more. Contrasting, it
seems. I want to be with you, yet I do not want to give him up. You
would want to be with me, yet you haven’t given her up.
As we both wait again, we hope for the best and find that this
waiting will lead us some place called worth-the-wait.
Your super friend,
Rescued
MEMOIRS IN BORACAY
Click
to read other letters by Ate Ping
Dear Ollie,
Howdy? So what’s life been with a Peemayer Eagle now? I miss the time when we are together enjoying the tranquil water of Boracay in the merry month of May ’96. Whew! From then on, every year, our home never missed having a Peemayer to take good care of, having them part of our family and experiencing the fun in Boracay Isle.
Last week, it was not just a cadet, but five first class cadets who visited my family. Isn’t it amusing that every year it seems that my foster brothers are growing in number? They are having their academic break and I am glad that these eaglets had visited Aklan considering the very short time they have. I invited also my lady friend who traveled far from Negros Occidental to be with us.
It was so unfortunate that my "anakins" (pardon me but I like to call them that nick) have not seen the real placid mood of the island due to the Northwest Monsoon. Amidst the strong wind blowing and towering waves, swimming and snorkeling are not good for the beach front faces the west. People in Boracay call this time of year as lean/off peak season. There are still a number of foreign and local tourists there. Resorts offer promotional discounts to lure visitors who cast away their time from the stiffling heat of city life and worries of all sorts.
Scattered rain showers welcomed us upon our arrival in the island, after settling our things and running some errands we gladly had a round of drinks in the cottage. Sharing about life experiences, their life in the academy, laughter and kakornihan. Right after dinner, we started the nightlife rendezvous in the island, ending up knowing their talents. It really fascinates me how you guys got different antics in singing and dancing. It looked like part of the silent drill, is not? Who would be as brave to sing "Livin La Vida
Loca"?
Our morning experience is a good memory to be treasured. We have our mountain biking on the other part of the island, trailing the paved roads and beach line, getting over those criss-crossed stones of Diniwid Beach, cavorting with gay abandon, picture taking and hilarious
"pacute".
I am getting to knowing the boys better. It was not easy to decipher each one of them. Their characters vary on different perspectives in their own personal lives. It was not my first time with the eaglets yet I noticed a distinct trait that an echo eagle always carries. Tough as he is, inside lies a playful aggressive person always at his best. You are an eagle proudly soaring up high. Are you right now?
They have gone back to the academy anare now spending the last few grueling months in their cadethood. For so short a time, I hope I had given them the comfort and love of being an "ate" to them. We have not talked much about the future and I am not so sure if I can be able to see and invite them back. Some day soon when they become just like you, I hope they will remember a day in their lives when they visited Boracay and made someone happy with their presence. The memories linger on and these I will treasure. So how about you? Tatay and Nanay would be glad to see you once again together with your loved ones.
Knock! Knock! Time to park. Take good care and may God Bless you in all your endeavors. Continue the quest for peace and freedom.
Never to forget,
Pingping
WALANG KISS
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens...
but after we stare
so
long at the closed door... that we'll soon realize that the open door,
for
however long it was opened, is now closed too." -- Author Unknown
9/17/01 10:45 AM
Dearest,
I don't know why I cut that quote into this letter, it hardly seems to fit anywhere in here. Yet I continue writing this with that door thing in mind, armed with the decision that I'll try not to be too sentimental for your comfort.
Remember Dearest, when we decided to give this exclusive relationship a try? You were happy; I was happy. We didn't have any fears about anything at all, even when you and I knew that we'd spend most of our time being away from each other owing to your job and mine.
I didn't have any qualms except that maybe I wouldn't live up to your expectations of me... that I might not be caring or affectionate enough or whatever. That I might not be as pretty as that willowy soap opera princess you sometimes rave about.
I mean, here I am, just cropped my hair short, skin that you could hardly call "mela-peel" tv ad material. Yeah, of course you call me sexy all the time, and you especially loved accompanying me to my modista to model to you some clothes (you even asked, "Mey party ba tayong a-attend-an, Sweet?") And sometimes you would call in the middle of the night and just for kicks pretend to be someone going, "Mananawagan lang po akong tungkol sa girlfriend kong nawawala. Yung maganda po? Yung parang DJ ang boses? Yung sexy pa? Request ko lang po yung favorite song
niya..."
I was so sure of you that I didn't mind if you weren't there when I wanted you around; that you were actually away most of the time. In fact I was very happy the way things were, and people noticed the smiles that stretched from ear to ear. Those who cared less were amused and kept their mouths shut. Those who thought they cared about me were concerned and said a lot. "So you're in love, finally. Is that for real? I saw some of his friends at the mall. What kind of a boyfriend is that? He doesn't seem to make any effort to see you at all. Where is he anyway?" They say, "You're so happy I'm afraid for you. That's very dangerous you know, to base your happiness on one person. I thought they have a break coming up. Where is he anyway?" "Pinuntahan ka na ba niya? Ba't ka nagmumukmok sa bahay? Where is he anyway?" "O ano, may dalaw ka ba ngayong weekend? Gabi na ah? Where is he anyway?" "Hey, you still haven't introduced your boyfriend to Rich and me. Where is he anyway?" etc. etc.
I wanted You and I to last so much in spite of (despite?) what they say about Us. I wanted so much to prove them wrong. I just knew they were so I took some silly matters in my own hand, thinking with a rather skewed point of view of a five-year old. Like for three weeks now I've been holding the rice during lunch when I had sinangag in breakfast and live on Tortillos and one effervescent tab of vitamin C for dinner, so that the next time we would see each other I could wear that sleeveless shirt and slim black jeans.
Besides starving myself (well, not really 'cause I still get to have a slice of that yummy blueberry cheesecake from Chocolate Kiss resto in campus), I turned on the secret sugar machine to live up to your monicker of me-- "Sweet"-- that along the way I seemed to
overdo it. You sure didn't seem thrilled for that scrap of cross-stitch I did. "'Di ko naman maidi-display sa detachment yan eh, sa iyo na lang kaya, Sweet?" The minute you said that, I decided not to mail that thick packet of letters I intended to day after I risked tetanus with needle cuts. Deep inside I was fuming, "Humanda ka sa susunod na pagkikita, wala kang kiss!!!"
(Oh well, nanoseconds after I made that threat, I was the one who ended up dreaming to have been running after you for a peck on the cheek.
Sheez!)
Truth is, Dearest, I didn't want to pressure you to change the way you were before the concept of "You and I" or "Us" came to be. Yet I didn't want to be "not normal" so I started to experiment on being actually irritated that you're not around. I guess I overdid it, again. Now I actually bug you with, "Where are you???" practically half the time we talk.)
Last weekend you had seen the worst of me, I blew my top and not even a "sorry po" SMS from you had the power to bridle my viper texting tongue. Like one possessed I hurled insults at you- twice- insults that even the forever unflappable you couldn't take anymore. When I finally managed to sit down and think, I just knew it was over between us. Or was it? Anyway I had to know so I called. You said, "O? Akala ko ba galit ka, ba't ka
tumawag?"
We talked and it felt like we were pouring out in the open an age's worth of gripes, hopes and fears about the relationship. My point was that I felt you were taking Us for granted. Your point was that you never would do that intentionally. You had the last say-- you wanted Us to give ourselves a breathing space so I wouldn't feel hurt anymore every time you "ignore" me but that you'd always be there for me wherever you are.
That seems fair enough. Or does it? I remember you telling me once before all this happened that you would do everything in your power so I wouldn't be lonely. I remember telling you that you didn't have to do anything at all except not make any promises that wouldn't keep.
You said you'd try. I guess you could say that that night a certain door closed, locking out my fears about how you felt about me-- you wanted us to be more than friends after all. I was so madly happy that night I could still feel my jaws stiff with the silly grin I swear I had on all night while I was sleeping.
Doors. This letter started with that quote about doors: closed-, open-, and now closed too-. And it will end with doors too, I will make sure. Next time you walk in to mine, I'll shut it right away, make sure that no one is around when I scream on top of my lungs, "Humanda ka, Dear, WALA KANG KISS!!!" Then cross-stitch the night away.
Daftly yours,
Sweet
FOR THE ONE WHO SHARES MY LIFE
It sometimes scares me that we’re spending too much time apart. But, there is nothing we can do about it,
we both know that. I fully believe that those times
spent apart just makes the bond between us go stronger
and better, thus bringing us closer to each other.
As we now celebrate another milestone, we are still
apart but of course there is the knowledge that we
will be together soon. I just know that it will not
be a matter of saying “I wish you were here” but “I’ll
be waiting for you”, because it will not make sense to
make wishes when I know it can not , as of the moment,
be true. And even if I’ll just be waiting, I know
that there is something, someone worth waiting for.
Please do not entertain any thoughts of doubting my
feelings and my decision to spend the rest of forever
with you because you fully know that I have made up my
mind with regard to those matters. Darl, there is
nothing that would make me happier than the day you
will say “I do.”
I know you know that there are still a lot of things
that I want to accomplish before our day comes. I
still have so much more to fulfill and so many things
to want for myself. However, at one point or another,
I came to think about those things and they seem
nothing, thus telling myself that whatever those
things meant to me, it was not a lasting meaning
because I realized that I would be willing to give
them up for you.
As I wait for your return, like you will wait for me
at the end of the aisle someday, I know that there
will be someone coming… someone who will be willing to
give his life to me, yet still become the hero that he
already is…someone whose arms can hold me tight during
cold and lonely nights even if he is not there…someone
who can kiss me goodnight and tuck me to sleep while
doing his job for the country…someone who will cherish
my innermost thoughts and being while keeping up with
his daily duties…and I know I could not find that
someone in any other person but yours alone.
I love you and miss you so much…until the end of the
wait.
Semper fidelis…against all odds…walang iwanan…stick to
one…forever love partner…
With lots of hugs and kisses sent across the miles,
Darl
AN OPENLETTER FROM JENNY
To my love,
You came to my life, everything suddenly made sense. From a carefree, unsystematic, emotional freak you made me want to be a nice young lady. I just wish you could see me now.
The sweetest memory I treasure remains and surely will forever remain to be that night of the year '99 incorporation day hop. I knew right away that you'll be special to me. I did try to erase such nonsense in my mind, for a certain period of time I did but it seemed that I will die if I don't do something to see you again. You were as stunning as ever, kinda magical in a way, dreamlike, surreal, whatever. In every free time that I would have, I'd come to pay you a visit though I really am sorry for being late most of the time. You've been very patient and understanding. You basically gave back my life and relieved me of that existential angst as what my friend puts it. How I admire your way of dealing with everything that comes your way. You have a level of comprehension beyond measure as if you're obtaining the information directly from my mind. You have this frankness that amuses me so, instead of being offended which should be one's natural reaction, it's just that you have this sweet and gentle way of delivery that a negative instance can be declared as sweet and sentimental. You smile to me as if that smile belonged to me alone. It'll be the only time that I'm going to tell you this, I really love the way you say my name, especially when we talk on the phone. Though we never had our term of endearment, the way you say my name is endearing enough for you to touch my heart whenever we would talk... on the phone.
If only you knew how much I love you. Perhaps I wasn't really, sufficiently able to show you. So many chances that I allowed to slip away, to tell you how important you are to me and now you've gone away to fulfill your destiny, to perform your duty which you've dedicated your life into before you even met me. Forgive me love for being weak, all I wanted was for us to be together always and it is for a fact that it will not happen. I will not try to forget for I know I can't but I will heal. Like what I'm always telling you, you need not worry about me, I will take care of myself. I will always be here for you and jam of course, even if we have parted ways now. you will remain in my dreams still and our memories I will keep in my treasure chest that every now and then I will peek into.
I love you very, very much yet I'm sorry if I wasn't strong enough to fight for it. Do take care and I will pray for you always.
Jenny
MY LUV
My Luv,
Time has flown so fast. It's been a year since I had my first dance of the "Kaydet Girl Song" with you. From my orientation, that song is being danced by cadets with their special loved ones. And I didn't see any reason why you invited me for that. I could still clearly recall how rude I acted when you asked me for that dance because I didn't know you yet that time. That was the first time I saw you during the entire hop. My surprise to your invitation was somehow expressed in not so good a manner. But you seem to manage to be composed. Your courage was commendable and I should admit, within me, my heart melted. So I accepted. After that dance, you did the usual thing: get my address and my cellphone number. I wondered if you would call. In the past, I've been asked the same but after the encounter, some pursued and some did not. And to those who pursued, they got tired after some time. I remember saying to my friend, if this person shows up before we leave, this guy must be a "little serious". I guess I got a shock of my life when you did show up. I didn't know how to feel during that time. When you said you were looking at me during your parade, I immediately thought that you're just "bolahizing". But to my surprise, you were able to pinpoint my companion while in the grandstand. Before you left, you gave me a copy of that Peemayer Diary.
After that encounter, I received one letter from you. And that was it. Months passed and without hearing anything from you, I easily concluded that you were just like them. Until one day, my cellphone rang and I didn't recognize the number that registered. When you said your name, it didn't registered to mind that it was you. I thought it was another friend of mine who has the same name as yours. When you confirmed it was you, my face lit up. A smile was painted across it. You said you were here in Manila for a competition. Sad to say, I can't meet you that time because it was already 10:30pm and you will be leaving the next morning. The next month that you were here, you did the same. This time, we were able to talk longer. I remember you asking me to tell you if I already have a boyfriend so you know where you would stand. I didn't take it seriously and I just let that message pass because I want to hope for anything.
The next time I saw you was during one of your practices for the June Parade. When I learned that you were one of the parading cadets, I intentionally made a visit. Actually, I had apprehensions because I don't know if you will still remember me by face and if I'd still remember you. It's been six months since the first encounter. When I saw you I didn't recognize you at once. Good thing, my friend pinpointed you before I missed your face. We didn't get the chance to talk long because you still need to prepare for the Luneta practice. Before the D-Day, we were able to talk. And I guess that was the longest talk we had ever since. You were somehow trying to say your feelings but something was holding you back. You said you want it at the right place at the right time. I agreed. It was almost 1:00am and we had to say goodbye. Before you left for Baguio, I was still able to talk to you. Thanks to my friend who lent his cellphone to you.
The following month, we met again in Baguio. And that was the time you invited me for the Barrio Fiesta Hop. I felt great. But I didn't accept the invitation at once because of my schedule. Luckily, when I went back, my parents told me they want to go to Baguio so I made a suggestion to do it during the Barrio Fiesta. They agreed. As soon as we finalized the trip, I made a call to inform you that I was coming. I did it because I was afraid that if I surprise you, I might be the one who may be surprised.
Then came the hop. I'm already feeling something for you but I held back. You were not yet saying things directly and I didn't want to ruin things. I just enjoyed the night. You invited me to your Graduation Hop and I immediately said yes. During the Barrio Fiesta, you did so well in accommodating my family and me. You introduced me to your mistahs and even to one of the foster parents of your mistah. I was flattered. But that was it. I don't want to entertain the feelings. We parted ways without a word from you. Before I went home, I tried to contact but you already left for your semestral break.
After that, I never heard anything from you. I've heard about your upcoming formal dinner but still, not a word from you. Then a friend told me that you have a drag already. And she was your girlfriend. I didn't know how to feel about the news. When I've learned that you've been going together for almost a year now, everything made sense. Or was it? Now I knew why you didn't directly say those words you said you've wanted to say to me.
I tried to forget you. I diverted my attention to a lot of things. I'm thankful that I've already learned the art of letting go. So it wasn't so hard for me that time. After less than a month, I guess I have accepted the fact that you are not for me. Everything went back to normal for me. That was what I thought.
I heard news about you. News that I believe was a big blow for you. A concerned friend encouraged me to go and visit you. I went up but when I was there, I made a decision not to see you anymore. Maybe I was afraid to see you and your girl. Maybe I haven't accepted it fully yet. Maybe I wasn't ready to talk about it. But one of your mistahs asked me if I have visited you already and I just said not yet and I seemed to reassure him that I will. Yes, my mind changed. I will visit you because I want to prove to myself that I'm already fine. I want us to talk about your girlfriend to show you that everything was okay. And when I saw you, I had more than what I've expected. Your girl was there. I maintained my composure. I asked how you were doing. I tried to sound so casual but deep inside I know, I'm having mixed emotions. I prayed for you and the girl. I know in my heart it was a sincere prayer. After that, I noticed that your eyes were teary. But I didn't probe. I wanted to stay longer but it seemed that I had my longest ten minutes during that time. It was quite an uneasy set-up. So, I said goodbye. In my heart, that would be a real goodbye.
I was happy. I was happy because I know I have kept the friendship. I remained a friend to you in spite the things that happened. And that was enough for me. I'm happy because you were happy.
Things became normal again. I lived my life as I should. Everything seemed to be at peace. Not until my friend called me up saying I need to go up to Baguio so we could talk. He said we really need to talk because you have a lot of things to say that I need to hear. You've told everything to him but he didn't want to say anything. All he kept on saying was you really love me. And I have to go so I could hear everything. So I went. The place and time was not right but that was the only time and place we had. You said your piece. You said you love me and you love me very much. I felt your sincerity and so tears started to stream down. How I've wanted to say that I also love you. But I
held back my emotions because I know things were not right. You still have your girl but you were saying all these things to me. So we agreed to wait, wait for things to be in the right place. When, how, we don't know. The truth is, I'm confused.
When I went back to Manila, I struggled a lot. I realized that my feelings didn't go away. It was repressed. And deep within, there it is, wanting to come to the open. After so much thinking and praying, I allowed it to rule once again. Then I talked to you and let you know how I feel, indirectly. You promised to plan things out and do something about the situation. I trusted you with that.
But once again, my heart sank when I've learned that you just celebrated your anniversary. I guess I had wrong expectations. I thought it would be that easy for you. I was wrong and I don't blame you for that. So when we saw each other before Christmas, I told you that I'm willing to let go of you. I will do it because I don't want to be an additional burden to you. I want you to concentrate your energies in recovering. And so, once again, I said goodbye hoping this
will be the last goodbye.
Christmas and New Year passed and nothing from you. I was not hurt because I knew I have to expect that. Once again, I've learned to accept that you are not really for me. But why is it that whenever I give you up and accept that things are going against us, you will be there again? Is it fate? Or is it coincidence? I believe God orchestrates things. Even this one.
So there. You started to text me again. My heart leapt. Now, you're bold enough to say those three wonderful words that I've always wanted to hear. And without hesitation this time, I said it back. Finally, we made it. We're very sure about how we feel for each other. We don't want to lose each other anymore. But no, nothing is final yet. You asked me to give you until March to settle everything with her.
Luv, its been a year and within that year, I guess we've gone through a lot and in spite of this, here I am loving you. I just want you to know that when I said the words "I Love you", I meant it deep within my heart. When I said this, I made a decision to love you no matter what, whether it means holding on or letting go. I will love you as long as I can.
Your luv,
R.
A LETTER SENT TO YOUNGBLOOD, PDI, 11/18/00
Dear Bok,
You must be sleeping already after a long day at the Academy. I’m also
going to bed in a little while. Everything’s settled for the night, even
my head.
I just talked with Mommy about the anti-Erap rally tomorrow.
Was I relieved when she didn’t go against my decision to
join it! I’m glad, too, that you accepted, albeit reluctantly,
the
explanation I gave--about helping in my own small way, even
if
you were right when you said that it won’t change anything
or
that I’d be risking getting hurt in the mob. You know I have
to
do this because this is one of the precious few times that I
have
been completely unselfish, taking action for something that
I
really feel strongly about.
The last time I was at a mobilization rally such as this one
was in
June 1993, when the UP Board of Regents appointed a
president
that the student population didn’t approve of. I was a
freshman
then. I joined not because I felt I had to for the sake of
‘‘democracy,’’ but because my college organization went
there
and so did my friends.
My heart-throb was also there and it felt really good when
he
gave me a condescending nod. So while chanting, "Makibaka!
Huwag matakot!" my head was in the clouds, building castles
in the air. Not exactly radical in every sense of the word,
but
then, no one had the slightest idea what I was thinking at
the
time.
It rained while we were having a sit-in at Quezon Hall
(where the
Oblation is). There were a few hundred students shouting,
"Down with Emil Javier!" Needless to say, the demonstration
was useless; Javier stayed on until Dodong Nemenzo (my
Social
Science II professor) won the presidency of the State U last
year. What I got for my "efforts" was a blasted head cold
and a
shattered illusion: my heartthrob had halitosis.
I never joined any more rallies after that and even became
what
you might call "contra-activist" until I finished my course.
Whenever there was a sit-in or talk against then President
Ramos, GATT, APEC or the commercialization of the Diliman
campus, I found myself grabbing the microphone and telling
everyone that theirs was a lost cause. Of course, not in so
many
words but they got the idea. I’m smiling now as I recall the
time
when I managed to keep a number of my dorm mates from
joining the rally against the APEC Summit. That was in 1996.
I
said: OK, so there’s no one stopping us from going into the
streets, bashing the government for hosting the first APEC
Summit in our country starting tomorrow. But why are we
trying
to "educate" the dormers about its cons only tonight? Can’t
we
present the pros as well? Why are we organizing the mob only
now that the delegations have already arrived and there
really
isn’t anything more we can do to send them back to their
countries? Why are we marching to Mendiola when the Summit
is being held in Subic? What do we wish to accomplish after
we’ve marched in the streets?
Of course, the resource speakers must have had ready answers
for each of my questions. But I didn’t allow them to put in
a
word. I was in my element and I have to admit that I was
gloating. My fellow members of the House Council must have
wished I never joined the meeting, but the thought didn’t
bother
me. Impressionable freshmen dormers left me notes saying I
was
really smart and I "showed them up." I was "magaling,"
that’s
hy.
That was four years ago, Bok. I was young and very
self-absorbed, and using what powers of persuasion I had to
bring people around to my way of thinking--at least as far
as
politics was concerned. I was fully convinced I was right
that
since there was nothing we could do about, say, the peso’s
devaluation, there’s no need to blame the government for it.
Why should we run amok or do a Gabriela Silang when the
government wouldn’t even give us the time of day, much less,
take a few centavos off the price of gasoline? Why don’t we
just do our work and do it well, make ourselves useful and
be
promoted (and consequently get a raise) for our efforts?
I didn’t realize I had changed until now. It started in June
1998
when the man who ‘‘wrote’’ the best-selling book
‘‘Eraptions’’
was inaugurated as the nation’s President for the next six
years.
How revolting it was for some of us when he took the oath in
our town’s revered Barasoain Church. "Goodness, our
country’s going down!" I protested. "But at least he didn’t
appoint Inday Badiday as press secretary."
I could have said so much more but I had no audience except
Mom and a toddler cousin. I had no one to make a good
impression on. Besides Mommy reasoned, "The people have
placed in power highly educated politicians and yet we’re
still a
big economic and social mess. Maybe this time people will
see
an improvement with a man of average intelligence like Erap
in
Malacañang."
I conceded that she had a point.
Then came the issue about his other "wives," and the
presidential children came out in public. The allegedly
prissy
Jude was commissioned as an Air Force captain, and then
failed
to pay his hotel bills. JV took up with Patti Betita and got
her
pregnant. Jackie--well Jackie at least is very nice and
proper.
And then there’s JR. I know, I know, the President cleared
that
up even before the campaign. And we have been told he
provides for all of his children, legitimate or not.
What about his multiple families. That is a minute flaw in
his
character than can easily overlooked. Yeah. Ha-ha.
But these small things pile up. When the President started
committing blunders, he never stopped or couldn’t stop.
Remember the textbook scam? Cha-cha? The astronomic
increases in gas prices? And his all-out war in Mindanao?
As the saying goes, "It never rains but it pours" for the
President. Gov. Chavit Singson has tagged him as the "Lord
of
all jueteng lords" last month. Then came the exposés about
his
chain of mansions in such posh places as Wack-Wack and New
Manila. I don’t want to imagine what other skeletons are
inside
his closet, just waiting to be taken out by some of his
former
cronies.
Never mind the Church’s claim that we do not need a leader
who
cannot follow the Ten Commandments, not everyone can be
saint or lead a saintly life. Beyond the question of
morality is the
issue of the President violating the laws of the land when
he
should be the first to uphold and obey them.
That’s why it is quite heartening to witness his own top
legislators and Cabinet members resign, although there’s a
big
chance they did it to save their own political hide, if you
know
what I mean. The "prayer rally," although it had some
political
color, at least got the message across to the President that
we’ve had enough of him.
Sure it was very presumptuous of the Vice President to lay
out
her 100-day socio-politico-economic plan to the public. She
should have presented it to the President long before the
economy nose-dived.
I don’t want to add anything, Bok, except that this time we
can’t
afford to be complacent and go on believing that things are
going to fall into place eventually. I’m not going to ask
you to
join us because you are in the military and, as you’ve said,
politics and the military don’t mix. Let us do the job for
you
tomorrow.
True, getting out in the streets, which is the only thing we
can
do right now, might prove to be as futile as those
demonstrations in Mendiola and at the Edsa Shrine. But at
least
we are fighting, and we are fighting hard. We’re not afraid
anymore; I’m not afraid anymore. God is watching over us.
Have a good night. I pray that tomorrow will be a fine day
for
us.
Love always,
Coy
FOR MY SO-CALLED FOSBEE OF PMA MABIKAS CLASS OF 1996
Kuya
I guess I never really called you such in person. I really did not feel like
calling you such because to me you were so young. I called you by your name, but at times, when I tease you I
call you KUYA anyway. It has been so many years and months since the day we first met. I still remember how we
danced that night away along with your other mistahs (there were six of you back then). It was the first of
May, about four short-lived years in Cebu. It was my first encounter with your kind (not that you were aliens
of some sort…) but all of you changed my overall impression of Peemayers. I thought the general latter were
all “hambog” but all six of you proved me wrong as I got along with each and everyone of you as I spent
the rest of my vacation in Cebu. We shared a couple of sessions teaching everyone we know of ballroom dancing
and we all ate afterwards (the best part of the afternoon).
In a blink of an eye, vacation was over and I had to leave you guys behind.
But we promised to somehow keep in touch and you told me you’d visit me when you arrive in Lipa. You kept
that promise and all six of you were there during my graduation celebration to share with me my most precious
achievement (at that time). Just months after my graduation, news of your own graduation came. My apologies if
I never had the chance to share with you that humbling feat, but even if I did not, I sent my greetings, didn’t
I?
You left a copy of your class yearbook at our house
and it said that you treated my family as yours. This
made me really glad to have had you as a Kuya.
We did not keep in touch for the succeeding months
but I had the chance to see you (with your child)
during the graduation rites at PMA. It was at this
time that I informed you of my newfound love.
However, time was not in our hands and we did not have
that long awaited chat. I did not mind because I know
that time would permit us to ask of each other at a
suitable time and place.
But fate was not that kind. A year after that last meeting, news came that
your plane crashed in the seas of Palawan. Along with you were your crew, the other pilot, a respected general
and a known politician. The news crushed me. I guess I missed the chance of filling you in with what’s in
and out of my life. You did not even get to know HIS name. You did not even see me grow into the lady I have
become now. And in a few years from now, you won’t see me walk down the aisle towards the man I want to
share my lifetime with. And you never will hear my most sincere KUYA as I call your name.
Wherever you may be, know that you are always in our thoughts and in our
prayers. And just in case you will have the chance to read this, I want to say something that was left unsaid
and unexpressed…
I love you, Kuya. Thank you for all the wonderful
memories, the dances, beautiful moments and laughs we
shared. All these will never be forgotten, along with
the special person that you are and the true and exact
person you have made of me.
Your foster baby sister
THIS DAY
My love,
There is no other day that I remember more than today. How can I forget?
I met you and understood even before I really did what it means to love
and I have been saying it for years now. I just never get tired of it.
Beginnings are a wonderful thing, but so are the many tales that are spun
from them, like the little memories that we build everyday even if we are not together.
When I hear you laugh over the phone, I often think how many thousand more versions
of your laughter there are and I'd be so glad to hear every
one of them. I'd imagine how your beautiful face would react to
every little emotion, even boredom, because I love everything there is about you.
I love the way you look, the way you are, the way you love me and the way you make
everyone around you feel. I even love the way you make my chest feel so tight
that if I lose my breath in the process I wouldn't mind.
If I could die and keep this feeling forever, I would think that the gods are smiling at me.
For how many people have ever felt this? If they have, then I'm truly happy for them.
I do think sometimes that this might end by some twisted curse of fate...
that I'd wake up and find myself in another world and realize that I have been ranting
about something that is not real after all. If that be the case,
I'd choose to stay stark raving mad! I'd choose hell with you than heaven, alone.
Admittedly, our relationship has had its share of trials.
Yet we won't have now if not for those.
I do think of the past, it's hard not to but I try to learn my lessons from it. I know
there are lessons to come, even more difficult ones. Sometimes I think I won't be able to bear them
at all coupled with the distance, the longing and the solitude
without totally breaking down
in the process. But the questions always
boil down to one thing - can I live my wretched life without you? If I live to be a hundred,
the answer will still remain - I never want to. But if it has to happen, I'd remember that
once, I wrote you this letter because I am bursting with so much love it's
making me cry. I'd remember this feeling and I'd remember you.
You are my special gift. My eternal love who weaves magic into my dreams
every single night and wakes me up thinking of every morning as a blessing. You are everything that has ever meant anything to me...
Four, four hundred or four thousand years from now, I know I will still feel the same.
If that scares you, I want you to know that it scares me more. But I just had to tell you. I may not live to see tomorrow. So ask me again why this day is so important to me...
skipper
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY EX-CADET
Dearest Bok,
The hardest part of life is letting go of someone you truly love and
care for. Harder is knowing that he's never coming back. It pains
me to go through the agony of reminiscing the sweetest of our memories
together. Each day as I usher in the dawn, I live by your memory in spite
of my wanting to kill the feelings and go on with life without you.
Why I am writing this letter? I really don't know. Whatever the purpose
it may serve me, I really don't care. You may never even read this
letter but I know someone will - at least whoever she or he may be, he'll
have the honor of knowing how deeply I feel for you.
I can't help but wonder whatever has happened between us. It was full of
promises, wonderful plans, outpouring of love and longings. Then
it happened. The rest I don't want to remember.
Yes, I can function more efficiently since you left. I don't have to
worry when to be back in the soonest possible time so that I can see
you. I don't have to think whether my actions concern you or not.
But all of those don't have meaning anymore. They are simply routine-
tasks to be done and accomplished. I just realize you give meaning to
all I do. You are the inspiration behind it all.
Sorry if I blamed you for my failures. I didn't know how to prioritize
things when all went into shambles. I'm so sorry. I just want you to
know that - even if the damage has already been done.
I miss you terribly. Every time I hear someone knock at the gate or when the phone rings, I keep on hoping that it will be you. But I just laugh at
how silly it could be because you're never coming back. I'll still
continue writing you letters - that I know you'll never read. Maybe
until such time that all wounds have been healed.
Still yours entirely in the most affectionate way....
Crimson
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