<Scene 1: The Morgendorffer home, exterior, at night. TRENT’s car drives up containing TRENT (driving), DARIA (shotgun), and JANE (back). DARIA gets out of the car.>
TRENT: Bye, Daria.
JANE: Bye-bye.
DARIA: Take care.
<TRENT’s car drives off. DARIA approaches the house and enters.>
<Scene 2: Living room. QUINN is scurrying away from the window as DARIA enters.>
DARIA: Having a fun night sitting up and waiting here, worried sick about me?
QUINN: Ha ha. How can that Trent guy stand to have you around him so much?
DARIA: He thinks I’m cool for some reason.
QUINN: He must be brain-damaged or something. I couldn’t get him to notice me that night I slept over at Jane’s.
DARIA: He doesn’t like shallow people. Trust me, you’re not his type.
QUINN: Maybe if I worked on him a bit...
DARIA: <Approaching menacingly> Trust me. You want to stay away from Trent—at all costs.
QUINN: Why? Are you in love with him?
DARIA: <Refusing to answer> Trust me. You do not want to know what would happen if you tried. Go near him, and I will make you regret it for the rest of your life. <Goes upstairs.>
<Scene 3: QUINN’s bedroom. QUINN is mumbling to herself as she puts cosmetic goo on her face in preparation for going to sleep.>
QUINN: Who does Daria think she is? I’ll show her. I’ll steal Trent from her, whether she likes it or not. And I know how to do it... <Turns off the light and goes to sleep.>
<Scene 4: QUINN’s bedroom, the next day. QUINN is getting ready to do you-know-what.>
QUINN: ...A little perfume, and just to make sure... <Picks up a bottle labeled “PHEROMONES” and sprays herself with the contents.> Now let’s see Daria hold onto him.
<Scene 5: The Zen. Mystic Spiral is on stage performing. DARIA and JANE are sitting at a table near the stage. QUINN enters and approaches the stage.>
JANE: What’s she doing here?
DARIA: Probably trying to lose her hearing so she can’t listen to me complain about her.
<Mystic Spiral finishes. The audience cheers.>
TRENT: Thank you, everybody. Good night. <Walks off stage, passes by DARIA and JANE (completely oblivious to them) to speak to QUINN.> Hi. My name is Trent. Have we met before?
QUINN: <Leading him away> I don’t think so. I’d definitely remember such a cool guy like you...
JANE: Did I just see that?
DARIA: Yes, you did. I can’t believe it either.
JANE: I thought he’d fall for Upchuck first.
DARIA: Brittany seemed more likely. In any case, this is an insult that can’t be left unavenged.
JANE: A serious plague afflicting both our great houses.
DARIA: Agreed. How good are you with a sewing machine?
JANE: Decent. I’ve made a few polyester-filled monsters in my time. Why?
DARIA: We’re going to hit Quinn where it hurts the most.
<Scene 6: Lawndale High, hallway, the next morning. The Fashion Club is standing around talking.>
TIFFANY: ... So then he says—
<Enter DARIA and JANE, both wearing very plain medium-gray clothing, accompanied by the theme usually reserved for the Fashion Club.>
TIFFANY: Wow! I’ve never seen outfits so cool in my life!
STACY: Me neither.
SANDI: Is there something wrong with you two? <To DARIA and JANE> That’s worse than what you normally wear.
DARIA: Your dominance in the fashion world is over.
JANE: And you’re going to love to hear why.
DARIA: I’ve analyzed all fashion trends for the last three hundred years, and according to my calculations, fifty-percent gray is the next great color—for the next fifty years.
QUINN: Now come on! You can’t expect us to believe that. Gray is so dull, so ugly.
STACY: Well, I can. Daria looks so cool today that it gives me the courage to quit the Fashion Club and make my own fashion statements, starting with breaking the no-glasses rule. <Takes glasses out of her purse and puts them on> Wow! I didn’t know guys looked so hot when they aren’t blurry! <Running away> Hey, Upchuck! Wait for me!
SANDI: And what do you think, Tiffany, about this so-called ’trend’?
TIFFANY: I think, like, Daria’s right. I can’t believe I ever thought you had any sense of style. <Exits.>
SANDI: I won’t put up with this! I’ll stop you, somehow!
JANE: Ha! You can’t even do simple arithmetic, much less be creative.
DARIA: I’d like to see try, Sandi. You couldn’t even stop Quinn when she started wearing black.
<Exit DARIA and JANE.>
SANDI: <To QUINN> I’m holding you responsible for this!
QUINN: But I didn’t do anything to provoke it! Except...
SANDI: Except what?
QUINN: I stole her boyfriend.
SANDI: Then you’d better make sure you unsteal him before I find someone else to take your place as vice president of the Fashion Club.
<Scene 7: DARIA’s room, later that day. DARIA is sitting on the bed watching Sick, Sad World.>
<Television screen shows people from really bad science fiction wearing silly costumes, such as silver jump-suits.>
announcer: Who’s really behind fashion trends? The shocking truth, on the next Sick, Sad World.
<Enter QUINN.>
QUINN: Alright, Daria, I was wrong to steal Trent from you. I promise you that I won’t see him again. There, are you happy now?
DARIA: No.
QUINN: What?
DARIA: I said ‘no’, and I mean it. You’re really going to pay for this one.
QUINN: But why?
DARIA: I’m sick of the world being such a hostile place, with you being such an enthusiast for its decadence. From now on I battle to the death.
QUINN: You’re going to kill me?
DARIA: No, I’m not that nice a person. Until you die, your life is going to be as depressing as you’ve worked to make mine.
QUINN: Please, there has to be something I can do to make it up to you.
DARIA: Now leave—or I just might steal Jeffy, Joey, and Jamie away from you, too.
<Exit QUINN in tears.>
<Scene 8: Lawndale High, cafeteria, lunch time. QUINN and SANDI are sitting together looking very stressed. Everyone but them is dressed in gray.>
SANDI: This is horrible! Never have I seen a fashion trend catch on so fast.
QUINN: I know. And Daria’s threatening to keep this up until I’m dead.
SANDI: That can be arranged, you know.
QUINN: It won’t do you any good. This gray thing’s going to last fifty years.
SANDI: Did you at least try to give her back her boyfriend?
QUINN: It didn’t work.
SANDI: Then do something else. <Beat> Why don’t you do to her what she did to you when you turned into a brain?
QUINN: You can’t be serious! That’s cruel and unusual punishment!
SANDI: If you don’t do it, there won’t be a fashion culture left to save!
<Scene 9: Montage of shots of QUINN paying attention in class (even answering questions), studying at home, getting tests back (first with Bs, then with As), and once banging her head against a wall in frustration. Throughout these scenes QUINN’s appearance becomes more and more decrepit.>
<Scene 10: The Morgendorffer kitchen, dinner-time, all Morgendorffers present. DARIA is still wearing gray. QUINN looks worse than ever, not even wearing makeup. And they are still eating lasagna and bacon.>
JAKE: So, kids, what’s new in school today?
DARIA: Another day, another A, makeup usage down another two percent, Brittany’s finally come into the fold. Life is great.
JAKE: That’s wonderful, kiddo! What about you, Quinn?
QUINN: <Depressed> Doing fine. Mr. DiMartino cried tears of joy to read my essay on World War II.
HELEN: Your father and I are so proud to see you finally doing well in your schoolwork.
DARIA: Maybe you’ll become fashionable, too, one day.
QUINN: Argh! <Puts head down on table.>
HELEN: What’s wrong, dear? You seem so unhappy lately.
QUINN: <Looking up> I can’t take the pressure of doing well academically! My social life is in shambles! Nobody asks me out anymore but Joey, Jeffy, and Jehosaphat! I haven’t had the time to buy any new clothes in weeks! I can’t even buy makeup because very few places are selling it anymore! I can’t do it, Mom! I can’t do it! <Puts head down on table and starts crying.>
DARIA: How the mighty have fallen.
JAKE: I’m tired of this whining, Quinn!
HELEN: Jake, I really think you should let me handle this.
JAKE: I’m tired of being passive and out of the loop! Don’t you people know that I have bad hearing and I have to be paying attention to know what’s going on? Well, now I’m paying attention, I know what’s going on, and so I’m handling this, Helen. <To QUINN> Quinn, things have been easy for you so far, too easy.
DARIA: Damn straight.
JAKE: If your grades drop by even a single point, I’m revoking all your privileges and cutting your allowance in half! Is that clear, young lady?
QUINN: <Meekly> Yes, Dad.
JAKE: Good!
HELEN: Jake! I’ve never seen you so <beat> strong and determined before.
JAKE: Let me show you something else I can do with strength and determination. Rowr! <Picks up HELEN and exits towards their bedroom.>
<QUINN groans.>
DARIA: Cheer up, Quinn. You can have my old green and black outfit if you want it.
<QUINN groans again. The doorbell rings.>
DARIA: That’s for me! Got a date with Trent. <Exits.>
<Scene 11: The living room. DARIA opens the front door, revealing a makeupless SANDI.>
DARIA: Oh. <Beat.> What do you want, O queen of the anachronisms?
SANDI: The fashion industry back. But for now I’ll settle for talking to Quinn.
DARIA: <Points with thumb> In the kitchen. <Sound of car driving up, then honking.> Now, that’s Trent. Got to run! <Exits.>
<SANDI enters the house and heads towards the kitchen.>
<Scene 12: The Morgendorffer kitchen. QUINN still has her head on the table. Enter SANDI.>
SANDI: You look terrible, Quinn. Why isn’t our problem taken care of yet?
QUINN: <Not bothering to lift her head> Not now, Sandi. I tried, but my parents came down hard on me. We’re doomed. I’m being turned into what Daria used to be, and I might as well just throw away my pink T-shirt and buy a pair of glasses now. You’d better start making weird art and wearing three earrings in each ear.
SANDI: That’s not funny, Quinn.
QUINN: <Lifting her head> Well, what am I supposed to do? If we want to be fashionable, we’re going to have to wear gray. And if we wear gray, Daria’s won. And if we don’t wear gray, we’re no longer fashionable, and so Daria still wins. So we’ve lost either way. So start learning how to paint, Sandi.
SANDI: I am not going to lose to that cousin or whatever of yours! As president of the Fashion Club—
QUINN: There’s no more Fashion Club, Sandi. You lost Tiffany and Stacy on the first day of the trend, and you lost me when you forced me into being a brain. And you’ll never get Brooke or that other popular girl to join you because they’ve gone gray with Tiffany and Stacy. Face it, we’ve lost.
SANDI: Argh! <Wants to make a snappy comeback, but can’t.> I’ll, I’ll, I’ll, er, I’ll steal Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie away from you!
QUINN: Forget it. They still only like me, despite me being so unpopular lately. Face it, you’ve lost big time. Daria only wanted to destroy me. Go gray and save yourself before it’s too late.
SANDI: <Kicks over a chair in frustration> From now on we are no longer friends. Drop dead, Quinn. <Exits.>
<Scene 13: Caption on black background: “THREE YEARS LATER”. Then fade to view of television screen showing several people carrying around large pieces of meat in a slaughter house.>
announcer: What happened to all the fashion models when the world went gray? A special report from the woman who started the trend—next on Sick, Sad World.
<Scene 14: Lawndale High, laboratory. QUINN is working on a chemistry experiment with some complex apparatus. She is now dressed in gray, and her T-shirt is looser and long enough so that her midriff is now covered. Enter JOEY.>
JOEY: Uh, Quinn, can I talk to you for a minute?
QUINN: Sure thing, Joey. <Tweaks something and then faces him.> The past few years have been rough, and I’m really glad you’ve stuck by me all this time.
JOEY: That’s sort of what I wanted to talk to you about. I hate to tell you this, but, uh, I’ve fallen in love with somebody else.
QUINN: What!
<Enter JEFFY.>
JEFFY: I’m sorry this happened, Quinn, but neither of us expected it.
QUINN: You can’t be serious. You’ve never shown any tendencies like that.
JOEY: Well, we started wondering why we and Jamie kept hanging around you after Daria started her fashion trend, with you being so unpopular and wearing ugly colored clothes and all. And then we figured out it wasn’t because of you at all; we had fallen in love with each other.
QUINN: Fine. Be that way. Have a nice life. <Turns back towards her experiment.>
JOEY: I’m sorry, Quinn. I hope you find someone right for you.
<Exit JOEY and JEFFY. QUINN starts crying. Enter SANDI, who is not wearing gray but is visibly pregnant.>
SANDI: Well, well, well. I see you learned about Joey and Jeffy being gay.
QUINN: What do you want, Sandi? I haven’t quite figured out how to make lipstick from scratch yet.
SANDI: I’d think you would by now, seeing you’ve turned into such a chemistry whiz that colleges are fighting over you.
QUINN: Not now, Sandi. I’ve got other things to worry about.
SANDI: As if your problems were anything compared with mine. Not only am I now the least popular student at Lawndale, I’m not going to graduate, my parents have kicked me out of the house, and I’m carrying Upchuck’s love-child.
QUINN: <Monotone> That’s nice, Sandi. What am I supposed to do about it?
SANDI: You can die, chemistry girl. <Pulls handgun out of her purse and points it at QUINN.>
QUINN: You can’t blame everything bad that’s happened to you on me!
SANDI: Oh, yes, I can! If it wasn’t for you stealing Daria’s boyfriend, I’d still be popular and fashionable. And so I wouldn’t be such a nervous wreck that I might get some schoolwork done, which means I wouldn’t have been kicked out by my parents, which means I wouldn’t have had to stay with Upchuck, which means I wouldn’t be carrying his baby. So it’s all your fault! If I have to go to Hell, Quinn, it’s only fair that I take you with me! <Shoots gun.>
<Scene 15: QUINN’s bedroom. QUINN screams and sits bolt upright in bed. Enter JAKE, HELEN, and DARIA running, the last hitting the door-post because she’s not wearing her glasses.>
DARIA: Ow.
HELEN: Quinn, are you alright?
JAKE: We heard you screaming!
QUINN: I’m fine. It was just a nightmare.
HELEN: You sure?
QUINN: Yeah.
<Exit JAKE and HELEN. DARIA starts to leave too.>
QUINN: Uh, Daria.
DARIA: Yes, O Quinn-shaped blur?
QUINN: I’m sorry I threatened to steal Trent away from you. Please don’t destroy the entire fashion industry! I don’t want to end up studying chemistry just to figure out how to make lipstick!
DARIA: <Puzzled> You have chosen well, somehow, O Quinn-shaped blur. For this, I forgive you. <Gives a polite bow; then less sarcastically> Good night, Quinn. <Exits very carefully.>
<Scene 16: Lawndale High, hallway. The Fashion Club is standing around talking.>
STACY: ... And then she told me that the color of my nail polish didn’t match the color of my shoes! Can you believe it?
QUINN: That is scary.
<Enter DARIA and JANE. DARIA is dressed in her usual attire, but JANE’s clothes are several shades lighter than normal.>
QUINN: No! Not gray clothes! Horde your makeup! The end is coming! <Runs away screaming.>
SANDI: What was that about?
JANE: Maybe Quinn knows something about what my brother used instead of detergent that I don’t.
DARIA: Naah. Probably just a nightmare come true.
La la la la la...
