FIRST AUTHOR’S NOTE: After I wrote “Mission: Irrational”, I never thought I’d write another Daria pastiche again. However, due to Barry’s influence (he introduced me to Daria in the first place), ideas for cruel things to have happen to various characters are being crystallized on paper. You can definitely blame Barry for providing the information on the Highland incident.
<Scene 1: SANDI’s bedroom. SANDI, STACY, TIFFANY, and QUINN are sitting in a circle on the floor with the spinning-arrow apparatus from a game of Twister in the middle. The lighting is dark, with the only illumination coming from a nearby lamp.>
QUINN: These aren’t exactly the rules that I remember.
SANDI: Are you saying we’re playing it wrong, Quinn?
QUINN: No, Lawndale rules are fine by me. You care to spin first?
SANDI: Of course. <Spins spinner, which points to TIFFANY.> Truth or dare, Tiffany?
TIFFANY: <Pause> Truth.
SANDI: So what really happened between you and Brad?
STACY: Eep!
TIFFANY: Nothing happened. That loser gave me the creeps. I don’t see what you saw in him, Stacy. <Pause> You were expecting something more?
SANDI: <Facetiously> Oh, nothing.
<TIFFANY spins spinner; arrow points to STACY.>
TIFFANY: Truth or dare?
STACY: <Nervously> Um, uh, truth.
TIFFANY: Is there anything wrong with this outfit?
QUINN: What kind of question is that?
TIFFANY: I can ask anything I want, can’t I?
QUINN: For the millionth time, it doesn’t make you look fat.
SANDI: There isn’t much point to this game if you interfere with it.
QUINN: It wasn’t much of a question.
SANDI: That’s for who’s asking to decide, not you. You’re obviously still going by those Highland rules. Go on, Stacy, answer Tiffany’s question.
STACY: Um, there’s nothing wrong with it. <Quickly spins spinner; arrow points to QUINN.>
QUINN: Truth.
STACY: Uh, how about, well— Which do you like best, Joey, Jeffy, or Josiah?
QUINN: What kind of question is that? It’s the one who’s taking me to Chez Pierre.
<STACY and TIFFANY giggle. QUINN has a DARIA-like smile on her face.>
SANDI: <Deadpan> Ha ha. Spin the arrow thing or whatever.
<QUINN spins spinner; it ends up pointing back at herself>
QUINN: Damn!
SANDI: Since you can’t ask yourself, I’ll do it for you. Truth or dare, Quinn?
QUINN: Truth again.
SANDI: That weird cousin of yours, has she ever, like, done it with anyone?
QUINN: <Jolted> You mean like sex? I can’t answer that!
SANDI: You live with her but you don’t know?
QUINN: I mean she’d kill me! You don’t know how violent she can get.
TIFFANY: Sounds like there’s something here to tell. It’s some pathetic loser, isn’t it?
SANDI: If you don’t answer the question, you’ll have to take the dare, and that’s to go out with Upchuck.
QUINN: Ewwwww!
SANDI: <Handing over cellular phone> Go ahead and call him.
<Shaking, QUINN takes the phone and dials the number; several rings are heard.>
UPCHUCK: <Voice through phone> Rowrrrrr! And who might this be?
QUINN: Well, uh... <Pause> Bye. <Hangs up, drops phone.> No, I don’t think she’s done it, not unless you count being given a cavity search by an ATF agent! There, are you happy?
<SANDI, TIFFANY, and STACY look stunned.>
SANDI: An agent did what to her?
QUINN: Arggghhh! These ATF agents came to the high school she was going to in Highland and beat up a teacher and gave her whole class the rubber glove treatment and then she later spent three hours in the shower and my m—aunt and uncle got so incredibly angry that they threatened lawsuits and it was all like really, really bad!
TIFFANY: So some government person—
QUINN: Yes! Please don’t make me think about it; it makes me sick.
SANDI: What were they busting the school for?
QUINN: How should I know? The people they were looking for weren’t even there and they wouldn’t even say why they were looking for them and if you ever, ever tell anyone about this, I will be dead because if Daria ever finds out I told anyone about this and it got back to her I’d be lucky to get away with getting beaten up with a crowbar and getting all my clothes torched!
TIFFANY: She’d burn your clothes? That is serious.
<Scene 2: DARIA’s bedroom. DARIA and JANE are sitting on the bed watching Sick, Sad World.>
announcer: <On TV> What is that white, gooey stuff in Twinkies made from, anyway? The disgusting truth, next on Sick, Sad World.
JANE: So, tomorrow’s the first day of spring break. Got any plans?
DARIA: Not really. Maybe come up with a new way to torture Quinn. I’m thinking of implanting electrodes in her brain. Have anything better in mind?
JANE: As a matter of fact, I do. We have a tradition around here that high school students spend spring break camping in the woods.
DARIA: Sounds like something thought up by parents wanting to get away from their kids.
JANE: Or, conversely, kids wanting to get away from their parents.
DARIA: Perhaps.
JANE: Think of it: You, me, Jesse, Trent, could take the Tank out there to get away from it all.
DARIA: Well, it would give me a chance to get away from Quinn too...
JANE: Trent and Jesse could work on their music without complaints from the neighbors. I could paint the wildlife eating Ms. Li. You could write something inspirational involving blood-sucking aliens.
DARIA: Aliens shouldn’t be able to digest human blood. Though they could have other uses for idiots...
JANE: We could toast marshmallows.
DARIA: Now you’re getting corny.
JANE: You and Trent could share a tent.
DARIA: Are you trying to make a sale or not? If my parents found out, they might not let you back in this house again.
JANE: <Sighs> Fine. You and I can share a tent.
DARIA: That’s better.
JANE: Can we share it with Trent and Jesse?
<DARIA’s eyes roll back up into her head.>
<Scene 3: The Morgendorffers’ kitchen. JAKE, HELEN, DARIA, and QUINN are eating anything but lasagna and bacon.>
JAKE: So, kids, I hear that tomorrow’s the first day of spring break. Any plans?
DARIA: We were planning on sitting around the house staring at the ceiling for a whole week. If that got boring, we were planning on staring at you and Mom.
JAKE: What!
HELEN: What your father means is that we’ve heard that around here high school students usually spend spring break camping in the woods. We think it would be a wonderful opportunity for you two to get out of the house and do something positive.
DARIA: Are you planning to rent out our rooms while we’re gone?
QUINN: Well, not everyone goes. I mean, popular people go, but not people who are too popular because they’re going elsewhere and it’s really hard to keep yourself really nice-looking and take enough outfits and stuff. I mean, how do you carry a whole wardrobe out there?
DARIA: You’re planning to stay here and try to brainwash me as part of an experiment for the Fashion Club?
QUINN: Actually, I hear it’s really nice out there this time of year with the wild roses in bloom and all that, so I wouldn’t mind going.
DARIA: What? After the glitter berries incident? I thought you’d never show your face in a forest voluntarily after that.
QUINN: Don’t be silly. I’d have to be a total coward to be afraid to go back to the woods again.
DARIA: <To JAKE and HELEN> If you’ll excuse us a minute, I’d like to consult with my distinguished colleague in private.
<Exit DARIA and QUINN.>
<Scene 4: The Morgendorffer living room. Enter DARIA and QUINN.>
DARIA: Alright, I know you’re up to something. You’re meeting a boy in the woods.
QUINN: Hypothetically speaking, it’s possible. But what do you care? You’re just going to sit around here reading War and Peace.
DARIA: Actually, I was thinking of going camping myself.
QUINN: You’re going to the woods to see someone, aren’t you?
DARIA: Hypothetically, it’s possible.
QUINN: It’s not that Ted weirdo, is it?
DARIA: No, but, hypothetically, if we both go I assume we might have information we both don’t want told to Mom and Dad. So I assume we can agree to put our mutual hostility aside for the moment and not give our parents any ideas which might jeopardize this outing if it means we can stay away from each other the whole week.
QUINN: Agreed. I could use a cease-fire anyway. But won’t Mom be suspicious if you agree to come too easily?
DARIA: Good point. I’ll see if I can get a new modem for my computer out of this.
QUINN: Hey! It was my idea! Get cash so I can have a percentage.
DARIA: What if I help you upgrade your Web site?
QUINN: That’ll do.
<Exit DARIA and QUINN.>
<Scene 5: The Morgendorffer kitchen, where JAKE and HELEN are eagerly awaiting their daughters’ return. Enter DARIA and QUINN.>
DARIA: Based on your past behavior, we assume you want me to go to the woods to keep an eye on Quinn. This would be achieved by means of a bribe.
JAKE: Are we really that predictable?
HELEN: Later, Jake. OK, Daria, what’s your price?
<Daria picks up a computer catalog from a stack of mail on a nearby table and thumbs through it till she reaches the right place.>
DARIA: <Showing an item in the catalog to HELEN> This.
HELEN: Done.
DARIA: In that case, I am pleased to announce that both Quinn and I will be spending spring break in the woods.
HELEN: If you will excuse us, I’d like to confer with my distinguished colleague.
<Exit JAKE and HELEN.>
<Scene 6: The Morgendorffer living room. Enter JAKE and HELEN with big grins on their faces.>
JAKE and HELEN: <Giving each other a high five> Yes!
<Scene 7: The Morgendorffer home, exterior. JANE drives up in the Tank and honks the horn. DARIA comes out with some camping gear and enters the Tank, which proceeds to drive around the block to where TRENT and JESSE are standing. They enter the Tank, which then proceeds moving.>
<Scene 8: Inside the Tank. JANE is still driving. JESSE is riding shotgun. DARIA and TRENT are in the back.>
JANE: I thought you said last night on the phone that Quinn was coming to the woods too.
DARIA: She managed to get a ride with Brittany and Kevin at the last moment. It’s a good thing, too. I think Trent would throw her from the van in two minutes, tops, anyway.
<Scene 9: The woods. The Tank drives in and parks. Everyone exits the Tank and starts taking out their gear. Enter QUINN.>
DARIA: We’re camping here. You get to camp anywhere else.
QUINN: Fine by me. I just got dropped off here and don’t see Quentin around here anyway. See you at the end of the week. <Takes her gear and walks off.>
JANE: Wait! Who will we torture if you leave?
JESSE: Don’t worry. We’ll find someone else.
DARIA: And here he comes right now.
<Enter KEVIN.>
KEVIN: Hey, guys. Brittany and I set up back there. <Indicates with thumb.>
DARIA: Just what I need, to be hearing him and Brittany squeak through half the night.
<Scene 10: SANDI’s tent. SANDI is trying to build a fire. Enter QUINN.>
QUINN: What are you doing here? I thought you were too traumatized by the paint-balling field trip to go this far out of town. Besides the lack of sanitary facilities.
SANDI: Well, apparently you’re not the only one not afraid of the forest. Does that bother you?
QUINN: Of course not! Why would I mind? <Walks off. Muttering> Just what I need: competition. Where the Hell did you camp, Quentin?
<Scene 11: DARIA, JANE, TRENT, and JESSE are setting up their tents.>
DARIA: <To JANE> Hold that pole still.
<Enter KEVIN.>
KEVIN: Hey, guys.
others: <Asynchronously> Hey.
KEVIN: So, Daria, Brittany just told me something she heard about you.
DARIA: Is this the one about me being in a Satanic cult? If so, it’s true. I’m the high priestess.
KEVIN: Really? Cool. Actually it was about you being strip-searched by the CIA.
DARIA: <Pushing KEVIN up against a tree with her hands on his collar> What did she tell you, exactly, and who told her?
KEVIN: Ow! Watch the uniform! I don’t know! She said it happened before you moved to Lawndale!
DARIA: Tell anyone else, and you’ll regret it. <Releases him>
<Exit DARIA.>
JANE: I’d better follow her. You two make sure Kevin doesn’t do anything stupid.
JESSE: OK.
TRENT: Sure thing, Janey.
<Exit JANE, following DARIA.>
KEVIN: <Spotting someone in the distance> Mack Daddy? Is that you over there? You’ll never guess what I just heard!
TRENT: <Putting his hand on KEVIN’s shoulder> And Janey thinks I’m oblivious.
<Scene 12: JANE is following a very angry DARIA through the woods.>
JANE: What are you planning to do, Daria?
DARIA: Nothing that Quinn doesn’t deserve.
JANE: Let me guess: Quinn blabbed something she knows she never should have blabbed, and now you plan to kill her.
DARIA: Something like that.
JANE: You want to tell me what really happened?
DARIA: No.
JANE: Why not? Now I know something happened, I’m going to want to know the juicy details. If you can confide in your worst enemy, why not me?
DARIA: I didn’t confide in her.
JANE: This wouldn’t have to do with a certain ATF raid in Highland, would it?
<DARIA freezes.>
DARIA: How do you know about that?
JANE: <Pulling book from pocket> Sickness Unbound: A Compendium of the Pathetic State of Life in General, from the producers of Sick, Sad World, just released in bookstores. It seems the ATF raided this high school and gave a class full of freshmen cavity searches. They never said what they were looking for, but rumor has it they were looking for a ring of Cuban cigar smugglers. You were a freshman at Highland High when this happened, weren’t you?
DARIA: Give me the book, Jane.
JANE: <Reading> “The parents of the students were outraged and several threatened to sue. The agent who ordered the cavity searches, named Fleming, has been reprimanded for previous use of excessive violence and indiscriminate ordering of body cavity searches.”
DARIA: Jane!
JANE: That must have hurt.
DARIA: So will this! <Boxes JANE in the jaw.>
JANE: <Falling on her butt> Ow! Wait till you hear the description of the alleged ringleader: red hair, glasses, big brain, sarcastic attitude. Sound familiar?
DARIA: You have a death-wish, don’t you?
JANE: <Standing up> I’ll take that as corroboration. Are you going to tell me now, or do I have to hear it from Quinn? I brought some exacto knives, so I can make her feel just the right amount of pain to make her squeal.
DARIA: <Sighs.> Fine. There were no cigar smugglers, period. They came to our school, didn’t tell us why they were there, searched everyone in the room. It was a traumatic, humiliating experience, and I spent three hours afterwards in the shower. I hoped that no one in Lawndale would ever hear about it. I thought Quinn understood the importance of never mentioning it, but apparently I was wrong. Now I’m going to have to pound some sense into her. <Starts moving again.>
JANE: <Following> What? You can’t do that!
DARIA: Why not?
JANE: I didn’t bring my camera!
<Scene 13: QUINN walking through the forest looking for QUENTIN. Shot backs off to reveal DARIA and JANE peering through the foliage at her.>
QUINN: Quentin! Where are you?
JANE: <Quietly> So what do we do now?
DARIA: <Quietly> I pound some sense into her. You stay here.
<DARIA and JANE creep around in the shrubbery and emerge from the foliage directly in front of QUINN.>
QUINN: What do you and your weird friend want, Daria? I thought we agreed that we would stay away from each other this week.
DARIA: We did. Then I found out from Kevin that you revealed a secret about me about which we had an understanding that you should keep quiet about at all costs. And now you’re going to pay.
JANE: We’ll take a check if you don’t have any cash.
QUINN: What are you talking about?
DARIA: Does the ATF incident bring anything to mind?
QUINN: Don’t worry! I didn’t tell anyone, except the Fashion Club. <Pause> Oops. <Backing off> I didn’t have much of a choice. I was playing a game of ‘truth or dare’ with them. It was either tell them or go on date with Upchuck, and I couldn’t do that; he’s, like, creepy!
DARIA: I don’t care why you did it! You’re going to get it right now! <Approaches menacingly.>
QUINN: <Backing off> Uh-oh. What are you going to do to me?
DARIA: Make it so you really do need to wear makeup. <Strikes hand with fist.>
JANE: In the worst way possible, short of blood actually splattering. She’s saving that for when you reveal that she’s really a space alien.
QUINN: Uh, I just remembered I have to help Jodie set up her tent or something. <Drops her gear and runs away.>
DARIA: <Running after QUINN.> Come back here, you coward!
<DARIA and JANE chase QUINN on and off the screen several times. Then QUINN, not looking where she’s going, runs off of a cliff.>
QUINN: <As she falls out of view> AAAAAAAIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
DARIA: <Grabbing onto a tree to keep from running off of the cliff> Oh my God! I killed Quinn!
JANE: <Coming to a stop> You bastard! <Pause.> You think your mom will be mad at you for this?
<Cut to commercial, showing a black-and-white disjointed scene of QUINN falling off the cliff.>
<Scene 14: At our heroes’ campsite. TRENT and JESSE have finished setting up the tents and four beach chairs. They are now playing acoustic guitars.>
TRENT: Ain’t got no money.
Getting holes in my shoes.
And the IRS hates me.
And—
<Enter a very pale DARIA being led by a not-so-pale JANE.>
TRENT: Hey, Daria. Are you alright?
JESSE: You look awful.
DARIA: <Weakly> I’ve killed Quinn.
TRENT and JESSE: What?
JANE: <Sitting DARIA on one of the chairs> Technically, no. Daria merely threatened to beat up Quinn, and Quinn panicked and ran off of a cliff.
TRENT: That can’t be good.
JESSE: Shouldn’t we call the cops or something?
JANE: There isn’t a phone in miles! Besides, Quinn’s dead. There isn’t anything we can do about that. I can’t believe an assault and battery could go so wrong! We didn’t even get a few punches in before Quinn went over the cliff!
TRENT: But do we know that Quinn is dead? Did either of you see the body?
DARIA: No.
JANE: Me neither. Excuse me while I go contemplate how to avoid this mistake when we try beating up Sandi...
TRENT: Can’t. Some of us had better go look for her. Are you up to it, Daria?
DARIA: Might as well. Mom and Dad would freak out if they found out I left Quinn to die alone in the woods. And we don’t want the air-heads around the corner finding me in this state. They’ll ask too many questions. <Stands up, walks uneasily, trips over a root.>
JANE: Like why you’re examining tree roots?
TRENT: <Helping DARIA up> I’d better go with you. <To JANE and JESSE> You two stay here and stall anyone who wonders where we and Quinn are. <Takes a flashlight from his tent.>
JANE: Yes, sir. What if I say we’re all part of a Satanic cult, and you and Daria went somewhere to sacrifice Quinn to Belial ?
TRENT: Go ahead. Get us into more trouble.
<Exit DARIA and TRENT. Enter BRITTANY.>
BRITTANY: Hi, Jane. Are you really in a cult?
<Scene 15: UPCHUCK’s tent, which is probably the only tent in any forest with neon lights. UPCHUCK is sitting in front of his tent roasting a hot dog over a campfire. Enter KEVIN and BRITTANY.>
KEVIN: Hey, Upchuck.
UPCHUCK: Hello, Kevin, <beat> Brittany. Rowr!
BRITTANY: Ugh! <Reluctantly> Hi, Upchuck. Can you help us?
UPCHUCK: Why me? I’m usually shunned because people have trouble dealing with stunning spectacularity. Most people go to Daria when they have a problem.
KEVIN: But Daria and Jane and their boyfriends were talking about being in a Satanic cult and sacrificing Quinn to a beetle or something. And here’s the weird part: no one’s seen Quinn for a while. It’s, like, freaking me out.
BRITTANY: I can’t believe it. They’re strange, but they’ve never done anything like that before.
UPCHUCK: This sounds interesting. Who saw Quinn last?
BRITTANY: Sandi. She was so shocked to hear Quinn was gone.
UPCHUCK: Hmm. I accept the case. In the meantime, be wary and stay away from Daria and Jane and those two guys with them. They may be dangerous.
<Exit UPCHUCK, taking with him a few things from his tent.>
BRITTANY: Oh no!
KEVIN: Don’t worry, babe. I’ll protect you.
<KEVIN reaches for UPCHUCK’s hot dog.>
UPCHUCK: <Sticking his head back into view> And don’t touch my frankfurter, Kevin.
<Scene 16: SANDI’s tent. SANDI is still trying to build a fire and failing miserably. Enter UPCHUCK.>
SANDI: What do you want?
UPCHUCK: <Overdramatically> I have been hired to discover the whereabouts of Quinn Morgendorffer and have been informed that you were the last to see her alive.
SANDI: What of it? <Gesturing> She went that way a while ago.
UPCHUCK: Everybody knows you regret having accepted her into the Fashion Club. Not only is she smarter than you and dates more guys, but she also dresses better than you do. Admit it, Sandi, you beat Quinn to death with your makeup kit and buried her body right where you pitched your tent!
SANDI: You’ve lost it, Upchuck. Go take your medicine or whatever.
UPCHUCK: You were insanely jealous of her! You competed with her in everything—and you kept losing. She opened fire on you when we went paint-balling on the petty excuse that she thought you were her cousin, and the rest of the Fashion Club did so too. She started a fashion trend of dressing in black, and people followed her too. She got a part in the play at the medieval fair, a part that you also wanted. She didn’t accept your ideas for the school dance, but went with her own, and everybody who was at the party you held on the same night snuck out and went to the school dance instead. Everyone knows that you’d love to throw her out of the Fashion Club, but if you did so,the rest of them would go with her. Admit it, Sandi, you hated her even more than you despise me!
SANDI: <Crying> Yes, I hated her! But that doesn’t mean I killed her!
UPCHUCK: Did so! And your only hope to keep me quiet is to go on a date with me—
<SANDI hits UPCHUCK with a lawn chair.>
UPCHUCK: Ouch!
SANDI: I don’t think so. Even if I did kill Quinn—and I did not—I’d rather go to jail than date you.
UPCHUCK: <Normally> It was worth a shot. <Resumes overdramatizing> But whatever you do, don’t leave the forest! You’re still a suspect!
<Exit UPCHUCK.>
<Scene 17: Our heroes’ tents at twilight. JANE is sitting by the light of a campfire, sketching dark clouds, while JESSE is playing an acoustic guitar. Enter KEVIN and BRITTANY, and they’re not happy.>
BRITTANY: Alright, you, you Satanists! Where’s Quinn?
JANE: Excuse me?
BRITTANY: We’ve looked everywhere for her, and we can’t find her.
KEVIN: Yeah! And we know you’re a cult, and that Daria and that other guy went to sacrifice Quinn to a bug. Sort of cool, really.
<BRITTANY elbows KEVIN.>
KEVIN: <Quietly> Ow! What’d I do, babe?
BRITTANY: And we’re not leaving until you stop this, or I’ll, I’ll—
JESSE: You want me to drop-kick these losers?
JANE: Naah. Not worth it. <To BRITTANY and KEVIN, sighing> You just misunderstood my sarcasm. I get it from hanging around with Daria a lot. I don’t want to alarm you, but I am about to tell you what really happened to Quinn. It all started when Daria realized that Quinn left her makeup kit at home. So as soon as we got here, we went looking for her...
<Fade to scene of DARIA and JANE meeting QUINN to the woods.>
DARIA: Hey, Quinn! You left this at home by accident. <Hands QUINN her makeup case.>
QUINN Thanks, Daria.
JANE: My God! What’s that? <Points to a huge spaceship shaped like an overhead projector filling the sky.>
DARIA: It’s an extraterrestrial spaceship!
<A hologram of an alien that looks like a cross between MR. O’NEILL and an earthworm in a plaid suit appears in front of them.>
alien: <In a voice bearing little resemblance to MR. O’NEILL’s> Puny Earthlings, I am Lyesdo from the planet Uknon. We require workers with some very specific talents. <Points to DARIA> We need you because of your skills in manipulating inferior minds, of which our civilization has many. <Points to JANE> We need you to enrich our civilization’s artistic culture. <Points to QUINN> And we need you because we all have horrible fashion sense and desperately need help choosing new wardrobes. Surrender unconditionally, and I promise you that you shall not be harmed!
<QUINN drops her bags, and all the humans break into a run.>
LYESDO: <His image chasing them> You cannot escape! YourÝ puny limbs are no match for our superior forms of transportation.
<The humans reach the edge of the cliff, and QUINN suddenly disappears with the transporter effect from Star Trek.>
DARIA: Give me back my sister, you hideous monster!
JANE: Her mother’s a lawyer! She’s going to sue you for everything you have, including that plaid shirt on your back!
LYESDO: You have lawyers on this planet! Quick, Klor! Escape trajectory, metadrives on full power!
<LYESDO’s image disappears, and the spaceship blasts away at full speed.>
<Pop back out to JANE, JESSE, KEVIN, and BRITTANY.>
JANE: <Crying> And so Daria will never see her poor, shallow sister again!
JESSE: <Putting his arm around her> There, there.
BRITTANY: That’s so sad!
<Enter UPCHUCK, his way lit by a flashlight.>
UPCHUCK: Kevin! Brittany! What are you doing here? I told you these people were dangerous!
KEVIN: It was all her idea! I wanted to—<Gets hit by BRITTANY> ow!—search for Quinn some more.
UPCHUCK: Well, scram!
<Exit KEVIN and BRITTANY.>
UPCHUCK: Alright, Jane, I heard that nonsense you told Kevin and Brittany, and I don’t believe one word of it! Where’s Daria?
JANE: She and Trent just went somewhere private to conceive the Antichrist.
UPCHUCK: Could it be that they are trying to hide Quinn’s corpse?
JANE: What makes you think Quinn is dead?
UPCHUCK: I followed Quinn’s tracks starting at Sandi’s tent. About fifty feet away, I discovered two other sets of tracks: a pair of boots, not unlike those worn by Daria, and a pair of shoes, amazingly like <pointing at JANE’s boots with his flashlight> those. At this point Quinn drops her gear and breaks into a run. Her assailants likewise run after her. Quinn’s tracks finally come to an end—at the edge of a cliff. Admit it, Jane! You and Daria chased Quinn to the edge of a cliff and then pushed her off of it!
JANE: Don’t be silly! You misread the tracks.
UPCHUCK: I used to be a boy scout, and I earned a merit badge in tracking.
JANE: You’re still reading too much into them. I’m amazed you can find anything at all with that flashlight.
UPCHUCK: And now your only hope to avoid my turning you and Daria in is to go out on a date with me!
JANE: Upchuck, you remember Jesse, don’t you?
JESSE: You want me to kick him or something?
JANE: Naah. His pain wouldn’t last long enoughÝ to be amusing.
UPCHUCK: Forget my offer! How do you explain the tracks?
JANE: Simple. You couldn’t read a track if Daria printed it on your backside with one of her boots.
UPCHUCK: Do you really expect me to believe that?
JANE: Yes.
UPCHUCK: Well, I don’t! You and Daria are prime suspects for the crime, and when I find the body, I’ll make sure they put you away for a very long time—unless, of course—
JANE: Don’t push your luck.
UPCHUCK: Whatever you do, don’t leave the forest! You’re still a suspect! <Exits.>
<Scene 18: It’s darker. TRENT is searching for QUINN using a flashlight, while DARIA is wandering in more or less the same direction inattentively and occasionally tripping over things.>
DARIA: I can’t believe I let things get so out of control. I hit Jane, my best friend.
TRENT: It happens. I hit her once, too, when mad. Mom and Dad confiscated my guitar for a week.
DARIA: Ouch. I don’t suppose you ever sent Jane running off a cliff?
TRENT: I don’t think so. But then again, Jane has more good sense than your sister. What’s she look like again?
DARIA: Strawberry-blond hair, pink T-shirt, blue jeans, small head.
SANDI: <Off screen> Watch where you shine that thing!
TRENT: I take it that’s not her.
<Enter SANDI.>
SANDI: What are you doing here?
DARIA: Looking for Quinn.
TRENT: We think she got lost.
SANDI: A likely story for someone who hates her. Kevin’s saying that you killed Quinn.
DARIA: <Weakly laughs.> Yeah, right.
SANDI: Well, I don’t believe it, but if you did, thank you. She was a pain in the neck I can live without. Come to think of it, if you got a make-over, you’d look even hotter than Quinn ever did and be a perfect addition to the Fashion Club.
DARIA: You’ve got to be joking.
TRENT: Well, you do look better than any of them. Not at all pretentious or artificial.
SANDI: A lot you know, mountain man. The natural look is what’s in now. <To DARIA> I’m serious. If Quinn is dead, you’ve got her place in the Fashion Club if you want it.
<Exit SANDI.>
TRENT: Wow. I never expected that.
DARIA: Neither did I. Now I’m really hoping that Quinn’s alive.
TRENT: How come? I thought you hated her.
DARIA: I do. But I can’t torture her with this information if she’s dead. Is that her up ahead?
TRENT: <Shining light on UPCHUCK, who shines his own light back> I wish.
<UPCHUCK approaches.>
UPCHUCK: I see the other pair of conspirators is working to hide the evidence.
DARIA: What do you want, Upchuck? If you really believe we’re Satanists, you’re as stupid as Kevin and Brittany.
UPCHUCK: Kevin and Brittany may be stupid enoughÝ to believe that, but stories of cults and aliens won’t fool me! I followed your and Jane’s tracks to where they meet Quinn’s. There Quinn dropped her gear and ran away, only to be followed by you and Jane. The rest is obvious: you chased her to the edge of a cliff, the base of which is not far from here, and there you pushed her off, plunging into empty space! And now you’re looking for the body so that no one will be able to prove you did it! But it’s too late, because I know.
DARIA: You need help, Upchuck, even more than Quinn ever needed.
UPCHUCK: And your only hope of keeping me quiet is to go out on a date with me!
TRENT: <Stepping forward> I hope you remember me from the flea market. My name is Trent Lane, and I’m bigger and stronger than you. And I think you’ll take my word that Daria is not your type.
UPCHUCK: <Stepping backward> Uh, yeah. <Resuming ostentatiousness> But know this: your secret is not safe, for no one can keep a secret from me! When I find Quinn’s body, you’ll regret the day you ever crossed swords with Charles Ruttheimer the Third! And the only—
DARIA: It’s not going to work, so don’t try.
UPCHUCK: Ooh! Feisty! Whatever you do, don’t leave the forest! You’re still a suspect!
<Exit UPCHUCK ostentatiously.>
DARIA: If only I could get away with killing him.
<Scene 19: DARIA and TRENT come to the base of the cliff.>
TRENT: <Moving his flashlight around a lot on the ground and on the trees.> No body here.
DARIA: Maybe she got caught on something above the ground.
TRENT: <Pointing his flashlight upwards> I don’t see any body up there either. Are you sure this is the right cliff?
DARIA: More or less. <Moving around for a better view> I suppose her body could have been eaten by a mountain lion or a wolf, but I’m not holding my breath. <Something squishes underfoot; she stops.> Shine that light on my feet, Trent. Am I standing in something?
TRENT: <Shining light on DARIA’s boots> Looks like mud <moves light around a bit> at the edge of a pond. Doesn’t seem to be any body, though.
DARIA: <Pushing the light off to the side> With these tracks,there shouldn’t be one. <Points> This way.
<DARIA and TRENT follow the tracks and soon come to QUINN’s clothing hung on a tree to dry.>
DARIA: This doesn’t make any sense. It’s not like Quinn to abandon her favorite outfit.
TRENT: Maybe she decided to become a nudist.
DARIA: Not likely. Putting makeup on her face alone takes too long. Besides, she’d rather die than walk around with dirty feet. <Shines light on QUINN’s tracks to reveal them moving around a bit and someone else’s joining them and accompanying her elsewhere.> Looks like I was right about her meeting someone out here, and from the looks of that someone’s prints, I’d say it’s not someone in the Fashion Club. I smell enormous blackmail potential...
<Scene 20: QUENTIN’s tent. QUENTIN, who has way too much mousse in his hair and a smug look on his face, is sharing champagne with QUINN, who is wrapped in a large towel and has fairly disorganized hair. A boom-box is playing soft violin music, and a vase of roses is placed conspicuously on a log.>
QUINN: I never imagined I’d meet anyone so sensitive to the problems popular girls have to face. I mean, like, boys don’t have to worry about makeup or color-coordinating purses with outfits or stuff like that.
QUENTIN: ‘Sensitivity’ is my middle name. I just want to make you as comfortable as possible.
<QUINN and QUENTIN are about to kiss. Enter DARIA and TRENT.>
DARIA: <Hugging QUINN> Quinn! Thank God you’re alive!
QUINN: <Quietly> Later, Daria. You’re ruining a beautiful moment.
QUENTIN: Can I help you two with something? There’s another lovely spot that way <indicates with thumb> which would be perfect for you two to make out in.
TRENT: We were just looking for Quinn. We thought she might be dead or injured from falling off of a cliff.
QUINN: I’m not dead or injured. Please go. You’re ruining the moment.
<Enter SANDI and UPCHUCK.>
UPCHUCK: Damn! She’s alive!
SANDI: And her hair looks terrible! <To QUENTIN> What are you doing here? This is not where we agreed to meet.
QUENTIN: So I’m lousy at following directions. But I have other, better qualities, like my hair. More champagne, Quinn?
SANDI: Yeah, but two-timing is not one of them! That’s a Quinn stunt!
QUINN: Hey!
QUENTIN: But you can’t expect a good-looking guy like me to decide on a single girlfriend so soon! After all, we’re still teenagers, not ready for maturer, monogamous love yet.
SANDI: But I can decide to dump you so soon. <Grabs QUENTIN’s cup of champagne and throws it in his face, then exits. UPCHUCK photographs all this.>
QUENTIN: Do you mind? I’m trying to be alone with Quinn.
DARIA: Who’s wrapped in a towel and presumably naked underneath. And probably tipsy too.
TRENT: Probably not a good idea.
QUINN: <Slightly slurred> I’m not drunk! I just needed something to warm me up a bit after falling into a pond at the base of the cliff.
UPCHUCK: Yes! I was right about the tracks! <Takes picture of QUINN and QUENTIN.>
DARIA: And so you just sat around here for a few hours getting inebriated with nothing but a towel between you and someone who was two-timing both you and Sandi, someone obviously planning something you don’t want anyone to ever find out about, and you just left me wondering whether I had killed you?
UPCHUCK: <Quietly> Damn! I should have brought my tape recorder!
QUINN: What are you complaining about? With you wanting to beat me up for telling the Fashion Club about—
DARIA: Don’t say it! You think I would have hurt you seriously? You think if you had run to Trent or Jesse they wouldn’t have stopped me? You think you couldn’t have thrown yourself on my mercy?
QUINN: It’s so hard to tell, but telling you I was fine didn’t seem so important, with you wanting to beat me up and all.
DARIA: Not important? You can’t imagine the anguish I’ve been going through thinking I’d killed you. <To QUENTIN> Give me that champagne bottle. I think Quinn needs to feel a little anguish of her own.
TRENT: Uh, Daria...
QUINN: You don’t need to stop her. <To DARIA> I surrender and throw myself on your mercy. <Withdrawing her head into the towel and shielding her head with her arms> I’ll accept any reasonable punishment. Are you happy now?
DARIA: Now I’m happy. I’ll get back to you on the punishment. Ready to go, Trent?
TRENT: Fine by me. If we stay much longer, I’ll get high on the fumes from Quentin’s hair.
<Exit DARIA and TRENT, soon followed by UPCHUCK, who sticks around just long enoughÝ to take another picture of QUINN and QUENTIN.>
<Scene 21: DARIA and TRENT are walking away from QUENTIN’s tent, with UPCHUCK following them and snapping a few pictures.>
DARIA: Do you mind, Upchuck?
UPCHUCK: Hey! I can’t get you, Jane, or Sandi to go out with me, so I might as well get something to blackmail you with.
TRENT: It won’t work. What parents wouldn’t be overjoyed that their introverted daughter is meeting a guy in the woods over spring break?
DARIA: Uh, thanks Trent. Upchuck, I think you’ve overlooked the possibility of getting a date with Quinn.
UPCHUCK: Oh?
DARIA: And if you’ll follow me and be quiet, I’ll give you the means to get it.
UPCHUCK: Lead on, then.
<DARIA, TRENT, and UPCHUCK creep back very quietly to right behind QUINN and QUENTIN, who are busy sucking face. Shot pans to exclude QUINN and QUENTIN and to include just the tip of the towel QUINN is wrapped in. DARIA pulls the towel completely into view, accompanied by QUINN screaming out of view, the sound of running, and UPCHUCK taking several pictures with his camera.>
QUENTIN: <Voice only> Hey! That’s no way to treat a lady! <Rushes into view, snatches UPCHUCK’s camera, smashes it against a tree, and starts beating up UPCHUCK.>
UPCHUCK: Ow! Ow! Ow!
TRENT: <Staring in QUINN’s direction, absentmindedly> That’s not even half as good as <DARIA looks at him funny> uh, when Tommy Sherman got beaten up by the Chess Club. <Thinking> I have to stop taking Jesse up on dares to spy on people while they’re naked.
DARIA: Whatever.
<Exit DARIA and TRENT as QUENTIN continues beating up UPCHUCK.>
<Scene 22: Our heroes’ campsite the next morning. DARIA is writing. JANE is painting a picture of QUINN kissing UPCHUCK. TRENT and JESSE are playing their guitars.>
JANE: <To DARIA> Why didn’t you just grab the camera and run? I wanted to paint Quinn running naked through the woods!
TRENT: It does seem a bit out of character for you.
DARIA: I was satisfied with merely exposing her, literally. Having Upchuck see her naked is punishment enough. He’ll probably be bugging her for a date for months.
JANE: That sounds about right. But won’t she tell your parents and get you into trouble?
DARIA: Not likely. She wouldn’t want something else bad happening to her.
JANE: Hmm. OK, so what other secrets about you should I know? Given your personality, I’d say you’ve probably had quite a few strange things happen to you. Or do I have to bribe Quinn into blabbing?
DARIA: Do you really think I’m going to tell you?
JANE: Yes. I still have that copy of Sickness Unbound. Given your descriptions of Highland, you’re probably mentioned in at least five other places in that book.
DARIA: Don’t push your luck, Jane. And don’t bother asking Quinn either. She’s not an idiot, and she knows full well that if she does mention any such thing, something just might happen to her wardrobe. Checkmate. <Characteristic smile.>
La la la la la...
