Spring Break in Hell

By Dr Belch.

******** Part 1 *********

for my father, God rest his soul

  

  (As the scene opens, it is a Wednesday, sometime in mid-March. DARIA and
  JANE are on spring break and are taking Trent's friend's van "The Tank" on
  a road trip from Lawndale, California to Athens, Georgia, to see Trent's
  band Mystic Spiral in concert.

  BG MUSIC: The radio is softly playing Bob Dylan's "Knocking on Heaven's Door"--an
  ironic choice, seeing as the title has the word "hell" in it, but an
  appropriately sad, slow, sentimental-sounding beat.Somehow perpetual slackers
  Trent and his pal Jesse managed to scrape up enough cash for two plane tickets
  to "the cradle of civilization", as Trent calls it in the most reverent tones
  he can muster. "That's ATHENS, Greece, dumbass," JANE admonishes him, but
  Trent is too obliviously and deliriously happy to hear her. Although they
  couldn't afford to bring the girls along too, JANE--knowing how DARIA feels
  about Trent--covinced her brother to arrange for them to drive The Tank all
  the way down South. 

  Pan in for a close up of the cab of The Tank. JANE is driving, Daria's
  perpetually deadpan face is tinged slightly with worry, and perhaps, a hint
  of nausea. )
  

  DARIA (bland tone, as usual): Do you think this rustbucket'll have enough
  juice to make it to Atlanta?
  

  JANE: Don't sweat it, DARIA. The Tank's an old soldier. She'll make it.
  

  DARIA (dryly): Like it did on the way to Alternapalooza?
  

  JANE: Like I said, don't sweat it. Trent and Jesse gave this baby an overhaul.
  She's purring like a kitten.
  

  (As if on cue, The Tank makes a noise like a pistol shot, and heavy black
  smoke belches out from under the hood. DARIA and JANE, eyes popped open wide,
  are jerked up and down at the herky-jerky motion of the van. There is a sputter,
  and JANE manages to ease the old girl to the side of the road before she
  gives out altogether. DARIA composes her face into its usual hooded-eyed
  deadpan look and fixes JANE with a glare, saying) A kitten, huh?
  

  JANE: O-kay, a kitten who just got backed over by a HumVee, how about that?
  (beats the steering wheel ineffectually with her fists) Damn! Two days on
  the road, not a lick of trouble. then, all of a sudden--damn! Where the hell
  are we, anyhow?
  

  (DARIA pressed her face against the dirty glass of the passenger window--silently
  cursing the broken window cranks--and looks at a bullet-riddled road sign
  a stone's throw away.) A town called...Jigaboo Junction. (The worried look
  returns to her eyes.) There's something about that name I don't like.
  

  JANE: That the town's name is a racial slur?
  

  DARIA: No...not that. But the name sounds...familiar somehow. Didn't we see
  it on "Sick Sad World" one night?
  

  JANE: Hmmm...yeah. Now I remember. (The two girls get out of the van and
  stand in the middle of a dusty dirt-and-cracked-cobblestone road overgrown
  with weeds on either side. In the distance, hills stretch for miles.) That
  expose coupla months back on the most violent towns in the U.S. Jigaboo Junction
  was right at the top of the list.
  

  DARIA (recites with the practiced ease of a true "SSW" afficianado): Blacks
  outnumber whites in this town at least nine to one. Highest per capita rate
  of violent crime in the continental United States. Incompetent, corrupt police
  force. Greatest number of unsolved or just weird cases in its police files
  and court dockets. Every night, the town turns into a Bacchean bloodbath
  of racial violence.
  

  JANE (dryly): My kinda burg. (glances at the surroundings) C'mon, DARIA.
  Let's go find a pay phone and see if we can reach the boys. I've got Trent
  and Jesse's phone number in the hotel room they're st-- (A loud screeching
  sound cuts JANE's words off neatly as a hot knife cuts cheese. A young BLACK
  TOUGH is running at top speed, legs and arms working furiously, on a paved
  street running perpendicular to the dirt road DARIA and JANE are stranded
  on. The two girls creep in for a closer look, hiding in some bushes. Seconds
  later, a black van--which looks like The Tank but is much more highly
  polished--bullets by, chasing the BLACK TOUGH.
  

  BG MUSIC: "Hook" by Blues Traveler--particularly the fast part in the second
  half of the song; the music should swell as the suspect is apprehended.
  

  The passenger side window opens up and, and a YOUNG MAN climbs out of it
  and onto the van's roof. DARIA and JANE crane their necks for a better look
  at this acrobatic display. The YOUNG MAN is dressed in a brilliant yellow
  cap decorated with glittering buttons and a long golden cape that cracks
  sharply as it is swept back in the stiff breeze. He wears glasses similar
  to DARIA's, but with blood-red frames. He whips some sort of boomerang-like
  weapon attached to a metal cable out of his beltloop--the hook is metal and
  shaped like a pair of glasses--whirls it over his head, and lets it fly.
  The hook whirls through the air and catches the BLACK TOUGH around the ankles,
  cutting his escape short and sending him with a heavy grunt to the ground.
  The YOUNG MAN leaps out of the van, still hurtling along at breakneck speed,
  and over the hanging branch of a nearby tree. The BLACK TOUGH is dragged
  along the cobbly street and then flies straight up into the air, where he
  dangles looking like the world's ugliest pinata by his ankles in the tree,
  muttering curses so foul they cannot be printed here without being bleeped
  repeatedly. The YOUNG MAN ignored the black tough's protests and proceeds
  to tie off the end of the cable to the tree's trunk.
  

  DARIA and JANE's eyes are popped-open orbs of surprise. Jane whistles piercingly
  in admiration) and says) Wow. What a welcome.
  

  DARIA: Maybe we should leave. I don't really like the idea of hanging upside
  down from a tree while enjoying the feeling of the blood rushing to my head.
  

  JANE: Relax. We're white. Nothing to fear here. Just a couple of good old
  boys out having a time. What's to worry about?
  

  DARIA: Ever see "Deliverance"?
  

  (The van screeches to a halt and runs emphatically over a road sign, crushing
  it underneath the wheels. this seems to be the driver's standard means of
  announcing his attention to parallel park. A SECOND YOUNG MAN steps out to
  join the FIRST YOUNG MAN. He is blond-haired, green-eyed, and handsome enough
  to make JANE stop and blink. The animation style of the two young men is
  crude, suggesting stick figures, with thick lines suggesting limbs and round
  circular heads. Hair is suggested with a series of thinner lines; the SECOND
  YOUNG MAN has seven strands. This general guideline follows all through the
  script, although clothess and other physical features may be added to the
  basic character body shapes in order to give more depth to them.)
  

  SECOND YOUNG MAN: Hey, JON, want me to take your picture with your latest
  catch?
  

  FIRST YOUNG MAN (JON): I don't know, JOSH. He's kind of puny. Maybe I should
  throw him back.
  

  SECOND YOUNG MAN (JOSH): You want his buddy? I think he's still back there
  where I left him.
  

  JON: Yeah, you mean the driver? I think he might have gotten hurt when you
  rammed their car off the road. Better call an ambulance. (looks at BLACK
  TOUGH) As for you, you should know better than to try to bolt. We had you
  and your pal cold for that liquor store holdup.
  

  JANE (looks at DARIA and whispers): See that, DARIA? Those two were crooks.
  I think the guys in the van are the vice squad.
  

  DARIA: Since when do the police wear capes?
  

  JANE: What is this, QUINN's fashion club? I don't know! But I bet it throws
  the fear of God into the criminal element. Anyway, I'm sure that if we ask
  real nice, they might loan us a pair of jumper cables --if they're not using
  them to string up some nigger from the highest tree. Don't be such a chicken,
  DARIA.
  

  DARIA: I'm not a chicken. From what I hear, chickens usually get strung up
  by the neck, too. What makes you think we can trust these yokels?
  

  JANE: Well--get a load of the driver. He's cu-uuu-ute!
  

  (DARIA gives JANE a dirty look.)
  

  JANE: What? (sullen) I never get to have any fun.
  

  (The BLACK TOUGH mumbles some incoherent profanity at JON. JOSH pulls back
  his foot and makes to kick the BLACK TOUGH in the face; he cringes, pulls
  back, and shuts up.)
  

  JOSH: I got a sawed-off boat paddle in the back of the van. If he puts up
  another fuss, I'll whack him in the head with it.
  

  (The BLACK TOUGH whines and starts to blubber.)
  

  JON: Don't think we'll need it, but thanks for offering. (suddenly stiffens)
  

  JOSH (noticing): What's all the hubbub, bub?
  

  JON: My super-sense just went off like a bad Mexican takeout dinner at three
  in the morning. We're being watched. (turns swiftly, calls out in an
  authoritative voice) You! Behind the bushes! Come out and show yourselves!
  

  (DARIA and JANE, looking sheepish, creep out into the open.)
  

  JOSH: Hell-llo-ooo-oo-o, nurses!
  

  JANE: We aren't nurses. And speaking of nurses (pointing to BLACK TOUGH)
  I think he needs a couple.
  

  JOSH: Coupla swift hard kicks in the ass, you mean. We tracked Sambo here
  and his buddy to Apex Liquors and Spirits, where they pistol-whipped a clerk,
  made off with a coupla hundred bucks, and flew the coop. This piece'a human
  waste (kicks dirt in the upturned face of the BLACK TOUGH) is headed right
  for a nice little room in the iron dormitory. The kinda place you don't wanna
  bend over in the shower reaching for the soap. if you catch my drift.
  

  DARIA (glances at JON and says a touch cuttingly): Is your friend always
  this eloquent?
  

  JON: Afraid so, ma'am. (looks DARIA over, drinking in her hair, glasses,
  and jacket, and seems to like what he sees. A tiny smile, more of a smirk
  than anything else, touches the right corner of his lips. DARIA appraises
  JON in much the same way and, though her face is totally deadpan, her eyes
  give her away.)
  

  JANE (murmuring): I can see it now. "Identicla twins seperated at birth reunite
  after six years apart. Next on "Sick Sad World".
  

  (JOSH, who is leaning on the side of his van, with his arms folded over his
  chest, catches that and raises his left eyebrow quizzically at JANE. JANE
  leans on the van next to him, folds her arms in the same manner, and cocks
  her right eyebrow at him. The effect is rather comical.)
  

  DARIA: Please don't call me "ma'am". it makes me feel old. I'm DARIA. DARIA
  MORGANDORFFER. (She offers her hand, and JON shakes it.)
  

  JON: I'm JONATHAN M. SWEET, and this is my good friend, JOSHUA CLINE.
  

  JANE (looks briefly at BLACK TOUGH): The "M" must mean "macho".
  

  JON: Actually, ma'am, it's "Mack". So you're not far off.
  

  JANE: Actually, it's JANE, thank you. JANE LANE.
  

  JOSH: What a monicker.
  

  (JANE looks at JOSH sharply, he withers a bit.)
  

  JON: You ladies new in town?
  

  DARIA: What gave us away?
  

  JON: Oh...your clothes, your accents...
  

  JOSH: You're white. (snickers, then stops himself abruptly at JANE's glance)
  s---, sorry.
  

  JON: Well, ma--DARIA--it is getting close to lunchtime. JOSH and I promised
  to meet some friends at Libido's at noon--do you like pizza, DARIA?
  

  DARIA (bland, noncommittal): Mm-hmmm.
  

  JON: Perfect. They make a great chicken and chocolate with extra cheese there.
  You'll love it.
  

  DARIA (same tone): My fav.
  

  (JOSH and JON return to their van with DARIA and JANE in tow. JOSH assumes
  his position in the driver's seat; JON in the passenger seat.
  

  DARIA sits in the back seat behind JON; JANE behind JOSH.)
  

  JANE (sotto voce, to DARIA): Great. I get to sit behind the filthy mouthed
  racist.
  

  DARIA (sotto voce, to JANE): Down here, they call it Southern charm. Just
  grin and say "y'all" a lot.
  

  [la la la la la...la la la la la...]
  

  PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:
  

  DR. BELCH..................................Jon
  

  TRACY GRANDSTAFF...........................Daria
  

  WENDY HOOPES...............................Jane
  

  [this part available]......................Josh








********** Part 2 ************

  

  

  [In our last act, DARIA and JANE have become stranded in the small Southern
  town of Jigaboo Junction, the most dangerous town in the U.S. They have just
  met up with two of the local boys--who appear to be their male lookalikes--
  who have offered to take them out to lunch.]
  

  (The scene opens on the interior of a pizza parlor...a quaint little place
  with large windows, red-and-white checkered tablecloths, and a homey, pleasant
  atmosphere. JONATHAN, DARIA, JOSHUA, JANE, BENJAMIN, TIMOTHY, BILLY, ANGELA,
  and MOLINA are seated around a circular table drinking soda and waiting for
  their orders.
  

  All the members of JON's group are drawn in the same minimalist style, with
  simple lines and shapes for bdies and facial features. Eyes and mouths, like
  DARIA's and JANE's, are simple colored circles and lines used to suggest
  a variety of expressions.
  

  BEN and TIM look almost identically drawn, except that TIM is smaller and
  perpetually sucks his thumb, and BEN has a grotesquely long tongue. ANGELA's
  hair is curly and blonde and tied in a hair ribbon; her eyes are blue. She
  has a pleasant voice, like that of Jasmine in Disney's "Aladdin". BILLY looks
  like a small JOSH but has only five lines of hair to JOSH's seven. MOLINA's
  dark skin tone suggests Indian or Chicano ancestry; her hair is deep brown
  and tied back in a ponytail. BG MUSIC: Wierd Al Yankovic's "Lasagna", a parody
  of "La Bamba". JON is talking to DARIA.)
  

  JON: So...you're from Lawndale, eh?
  

  DARIA: Yes. But I've only been there just under a year. Before that, I lived
  in Highland, Texas.
  

  JON: Highland...Highland. Sounds familiar. Isn't that where they found uranium
  in the drinking water?
  

  DARIA: You're right.
  

  JON: You're lucky. Down here, all we have in our water is urine. (JANE, drinking
  from a glass of water, stops suddenly with her cheeks full and bulging, eyes
  popped open wide. She swallows thickly, deciding JON is making a joke. She
  hopes.)
  

  BEN: Urr-rrgghhh! Growrrllraabba (eep) (sputt)!
  

  JANE: What did he say?
  

  JON: He asked how you girls happen to be up this way all the way from California.
  

  JANE: Oh. Well...we borrowed my brother's pal's van. It eats gas like a mad
  bastard, but it can go like a camel.
  

  DARIA: A sick camel. It conked out right here just outside Jigaboo Junction.
  JANE said Trent and Jesse fixed it up.
  

  JANE: By "fixed it up", I meant they pissed away a Saturday afternoon drinking
  beer and watching chicks in the front yard while they left the hood up.
  

  ANGELA: So how'd you persuade your brother to arrange for you to get the
  van?
  

  JANE: Oh...that was easy. Just a little creative comparative bargaining.
  

  DARIA: She means blackmail.
  

  JANE: I threatened to rat on him after he and his pal Jesse set fire to one
  arm of the couch lighting farts in the living room with a Zippo lighter.
  (TIM reaches into his pocket and proudly displays his own pocket lighter,
  a Bic. JON points to him and shakes his head. He puts it back in his pants.)
  

  ANGELA: Eew...gross!
  

  JANE: Yeah...real Renaissance man, my brother. That's why we love him...eh
  DARIA girl? (winks at DARIA, who glowers nastily back at her friend.) My
  mom and dad are so clueless. They think my uncle Blaine did it falling asleep
  with a cigarette in his hand while watching the late-night flicks on the
  "All Naked Chick Channel" on our cable.
  

  JOSH: Whoa--do we get that up here?
  

  (ANGELA elbows him sharply.)
  

  JANE: Thanks, sister.
  

  ANGELA: don't mention it.
  

  MOLINA: DARIA, I just love your aura. It's so cool and bland and nonthreatening.
  

  DARIA: Thanks. I used to have this little yellow and red aura, then a black
  leather aura with a matching red skirt. But then I found this olive green
  aura and black skirt number, and I said, "Now this screams me."
  

  TIM: When's the pizza gonna get here?
  

  JON: It's coming, bulbhead. Hold your horses.
  

  TIM (looking embarrassed): Don't call me bulbhead--dumbass!
  

  JANE (grinning): C'mon, kid. Some of my best friends are bulbheads.
  

  (TIM grins back, obviously finding JANE interesting.)
  

  (From the direction of the kitchen comes a large, heavyset Italian man wearing
  a chef's hat and a pizza-sauce-and-olive-oil-stained apron, and a shirt open
  at the throat to show his thick black chest hair. He has a fat, pleasant
  face and a black handlebar mustache.)
  

  LUIGI (the Italian waiter, speaks with a thick accent): Okay, piasanos! The
  pizza, she's-a comin' up hot and fresh-a! (He plunks down four pizzas, which
  he has been balancing on both outstretched arms, then does a double take
  as he sees DARIA and JON sitting next to each other, taking in their facial
  similarities.) Mama mia! Are-a you two related?
  

  DARIA: I hope not. We're living in sin together.
  

  JON: And we're very happy. Thanks for asking, LUIGI.
  

  (LUIGI shakes his head. Then he notices JOSH and JANE.) Ah signor, JOSHUA!
  Who is your lovely bellisima?
  

  JANE (eyebrow raised): Bellisima?
  

  JOSH: Girlfriend, JANEY dear.
  

  JANE (surprised): Hmmm? Oh, no, no. (voice thick, brows drawn) He's not my
  boyfriend. I have no boyfriend. I walk alone.
  

  (LUIGI shakes his head and leaves. The group begans to divvy up the pizzas.)
  

  JON: I'll have one slice of pepperoni and pickles with peanut butter and
  extra marshmallows, and a slice of the chunky chicken chutney and cheese
  with raisins.
  

  DARIA: I'll try some of the pepperoni-peanut butter-marshmallow, too.
  

  BEN: Urr-rrgghha-grrowllrrggh (sputt)!
  

  JOSH: Sausage and spinach-pineapple for BEN, and--ah!--bacon and banana blitz
  with whipped cream and maraschino cherries for me.
  

  JANE (thickly, a touch revolted): Breadstick, please.
  

  ANGELA: Okay. Coconut and angel hair pasta here.
  

  TIM: Pass me some of the jelly and licorice.
  

  BEN: Urrgghh! Go long! (BEN stands up and lobs a slice to TIM like a football.
  The slice, steaming hot, thwacks BILLY in the face, burning him. He screeches
  like a girl. TIM peels it off BILLY's face in gooey strings and munches it
  with both hands.)
  

  BILLY (pained): Just gimme a slice, don't throw it, okay? (BEN grins and
  drops one on his plate.)
  

  MOLINA: I'll have the coconut and angel hair too, please.
  

  JANE (sighs): What the hell. Live dangerously. Jelly and licorice me, B-man.
  (BEN passes her a plate with a slice, which she samples gingerly, and finds
  to her liking. The scene ends with everyone munching happily on pizza and
  chatting.)
  

  [la la la la la...la la la la la.....]
  

  PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:
  

  DR. BELCH.........................Jon, Ben, Luigi
  

  TRACY GRANDSTAFF............................Daria
  

  WENDY HOOPES................................Jane
  

  LINDA LARKIN (from "Aladdin").............Angela
  

  [this part available].....................Billy
  

  [this part available].....................Joshua
  

  [this part available].....................Molina
  

  [this part available]....................Timothy








******** Part 3 ***********

  

  [After DARIA and JANE are stranded in Jigaboo Junction, they meet up with
  two young men who invite them to lunch at a local pizza parlor and introduce
  them to their friends, an unusual yet friendly bunch. After a--er--interesting
  meal, DARIA spends some time alone with the group's leader, and learns quite
  a bit about him and his wonderful, hellish world.]
  

  (The scene opens on a city street. DARIA and JON are walking past the shops
  and stores of Jigaboo Junction, with BEN and TIM tagging along. Although
  DARIA stands only 5'2" and JON up near six feet, the two look eerily similar
  walking side by side--almost like twins, which explains the confusion that
  ensues in this act.
  

  DARIA: Real nice of your friend JOSH to give JANE a lift back to The Tank.
  Think he can get the old girl back on line?
  

  JON: If he can't, no one can. JOSH is our tech on the team. You remember
  the inside of our van?
  

  DARIA: Yeah. Real fancy.
  

  JON: We call her The Crook Buster. JOSH's idea. He did all that. Souped her
  up real fine. We've got more attachments than a Hoover factory-- helicopter,
  raft, rocket launcher, radar, TV, fuzz buster...
  

  DARIA (eyes wide): No kidding?
  

  JON: Nope. Say, we're here. I'm in the mood for dessert. Want some?
  

  DARIA: I don't know. I'm a little full from that sixth slice of pepperoni-peanut
  butter gutbuster.
  

  JON: That's OK. Come on inside with me anyway. You might change your mind.
  (He stops at the door of a convenience store on the corner, the Apexie- Mart,
  and opens the door for DARIA. A little bell rings. DARIA feels a touch
  patronized, but nonetheless appreciates the courtesy, and enters. BG MUSIC:
  Some weird Indian-type s--- would be apropos--scitars and finger cymbols
  and stuff. JON pauses at the ice cream freezer to look over the popsicles.
  BEN and TIM sort of bleed inconsoicuously into the background--perhaps perusing
  the magazine racks for porno. HABIB the counter guy spots DARIA standing
  in front of the counter, looking around.)
  

  HABIB (a dark-skinned Indian type with a beard, speaks in a voice reminiscent
  of Apu from "The Simpsons"): Ah|! Meester Sweetchuck! Oh-- (gives DARIA the
  onceover from head to foot)--that is being an interesting look for you. But
  you are not having the legs for that skirt.
  

  DARIA (confused, indignant): What?
  

  JON (coming over): Oh, no, HABIB. This is my friend DARIA, from Lawndale.
  She's new in town. DARIA, this is HABIB.
  

  HABIB: Oh! I am being so sorry, Miss Marlena! But you are looking so much
  like Meester Sweetchuck, I am thinking you are--hee! hee! hee! So sorry!
  Would you like a squishie?
  

  DARIA: That's DARIA. What's a...squishie?
  

  JON: You'll see. Two cheeseburger squishies, HABIB. (DARIA glowers a bit
  at JON for ordering for her, but says nothing.)
  

  (Cut to outside shot of the convenience store, with DARIA and JON sitting
  on the curb sipping cheeseburger squishies from huge domed cups with straws.
  BEN and TIM are seated some distance off to the right, munching nachos from
  cardboard cartons. Their mouths are covered with cheese.) DARIA (smacks lips):
  This is pretty good.
  

  JON: I knew you'd like it.
  

  DARIA: Why did that HABIB guy call you "Mister Sweetchuck"?
  

  JON: Oh, all my friends call me that--you know, like that little guy with
  the glasses in "Police Academy".
  

  DARIA: Oh, because your last name is "Sweet"?
  

  JON: Yeah.
  

  DARIA: That's funny. I figured with a middle name like "Mack", they'd call
  you "Mackdaddy" or something.
  

  JON: Really? Mackdaddy. I like that.
  

  DARIA: A friend of mine back in Lawndale doesn't. His name is Michael Jordan
  Mackenzie. Everybody calls him "Mack"--except for the idiot quarterback of
  the football team. He always has to call him "Mackdaddy". He hates it. (pauses)
  At least you don't have a name that sounds like a body noise. There's this
  other guy in my school...Charles Ruttheimer. Everybody calls him Upchuck.
  

  JON (sarcastic): Sounds like a real charmer.
  

  DARIA (also sarcastic): Oh, he is. But it gets worse. I told you I used to
  live in Highland, didn't I? (JON nods.) There were these two idiots I went
  to junior high with. they used to call me--(painful pause)--Diarrhea.
  

  JON: Diarrhea? (almost laughs, but decides against it)
  

  DARIA: Yepper. (sighs) God, were they stupid.
  

  JON: Gimme a for instance.
  

  DARIA: Well, one of them checked into the hospital this one time after damn
  near burning his ass off. We still don't have a clue how he pulled that off.
  

  JON: Goddamn.
  

  DARIA: Gets worse. His friend came up with a plan one time to make some quick
  money by telling him to fake whiplash while he--the first guy--got in front
  of the bus and made it come to a stop. Well, the guy who stopped the bus
  wound up getting hit--and his buddy really did wind up with a hurt neck.
  

  JON: s---!
  

  DARIA: Oh, I've got lots more. Seems the two of them found a stolen ATM card
  and somehow figured out how to use it...then made off with a few thousand
  bucks.
  

  JON: Sounds like they were in high corn.
  

  DARIA: They were. Until the FBI caught up with them, beat the crap out of
  them, and arrested them in their house.
  

  JON (chuckles): Not the sharpest crayons in the box, eh?
  

  DARIA: Nope. Real TV nuts--especially music videos. I blame their parents...using
  TV as a babysitter.
  

  JON: I blame the liberal government that thinks they can raise our kids better
  than we can.
  

  DARIA: Amen. (pause) God, it's weird. We only have a couple of blacks in
  Lawndale. Until I came here, I didn't know a town could have so many.
  

  JON: Yep. It's a hellhole, but it's my hellhole.
  

  DARIA: But if it's such a lousy place to live, why not move to a better
  neighborhood?
  

  JON (slowly, as if it hurts): Because this one needs me to make it a better
  neighborhood. If I were to abandon it...I'd be no better than what it is
  I fight against. I have a promise to keep.
  

  DARIA: To who?
  

  JON: To me. (falls into a painful silence. DARIA blinks, taken slightly aback.
  JON sighs softly.)
  

  BEN (to TIM): Hey, TIM. Pull my finger. (offers index finger and snickers.
  TIM pulls it. BEN farts thunderously, and the two boys laugh. BEN's chuckle
  is low and throaty; TIM's is high and nervous.)
  

  DARIA (sighs): Your brothers remind me eerily of those two idiots back in
  Highland. Last I heard, they were dead. (looks piercingly at BEN and TIM,
  who wither somewhat)
  

  JON: No kidding. So, DARIA--how do you like my little corner of the world?
  

  DARIA: Well...the burning tire yard was cool, especially since the flames
  never go out...and the railroad tracks were nice, until that bunch of blacks
  threw bottles at us and tried to hit us with chains and two-by-fours...oh,
  and I really likes the big culvert down by Main Street. I bet you can stash
  a body down there and no one'd find it for days.
  

  JON: Weeks. (inhales heavily) DARIA--
  

  (JON is rudely cut off by a screeching voice from off-camera.) Hey! SWEET!
  You ugly four-eyed mud-sucker! Who you got with you--iz'zat your sister?
  Geez--what the hell did'jah do to her--she looks as ugly as you do!
  Hahahahahaha!!
  

  DARIA (to herself): Upchuck's got nothing on this guy. (to JON) Friend of
  yours.
  

  (TONY MONERAN enters. He is a short, loud punk with dirty-blonde hair, green
  eyes, snaggly teeth, and a black motorcycle jacket with a skull and crossbones
  on it. He is riding a bicycle.)
  

  JON (blandly): Hello, MONTY.
  

  MONERAN: Grr-rrr! Don't call me MONTY!
  

  DARIA: Why not...MONTY?
  

  MONERAN: Don't you start, you--who the hell are you anyway?
  

  DARIA: Call me Esmerelda.
  

  MONERAN: Shut up, Esmerelda! This ain't got nothing to do with you! It's
  between me and SWEET--and (points to BEN) you too, maggot bait!
  

  BEN: Grrowllrrgghha! (gives MONERAN a raspberry) TIM (flips him the bird
  and grins, crouching behind BEN intending to use him as a human shield should
  fists fly): Yeah! Go away, MONTY! Pick on somebody your own damn size!
  

  DARIA: Uh oh. I'm his size. What now?
  

  MONERAN (thoroughly incensed): Shut up, Esmerelda. And you too, SWEET! All
  of you shut up! (A volley of unprintable expletives follows.) I ain't got
  time for this! I'm leavin'--but I'm coming back later to deal with you! (MONERAN
  releases the kickstand on his bike and pedals off--not noticing the empty
  squishie cups DARIA and JON have polished off and discarded in the street.
  Both his wheels get the cups and straws jammed between their spokes, and
  MONERAN is sent screaming over the handlebars and into the street with a
  thud. He does a barrel roll, staggers to his feet, and stares at his bloody,
  cut-up palms.) Ooh! SWEET, you did that on purpose! (DARIA and JON exchange
  glances and small smirking smiles.) I'll kill you both, you--(more expletives.
  MONERAN advances on JON, hands held out as if to strangle them--but he never
  has the chance. A speeding car slams into MONERAN and sends him careening
  into a lamppost. Dazed, MONERAN staggers blindly backwards into a loose manhole
  cover in the street, which flips up and sends him dropping into the sewer.
  There is a long howling scream and a distant splash.)
  

  DARIA (looks worriedly to JON): Is he dead?
  

  JON (smiles slightly): No. I'm not that lucky.
  

  DARIA (sighs): What a town. So far I've been stranded, watched a suspect
  apprehended, gotten heartburn, been threatened, and about three times now
  been mistaken for your twin sister. What gives here?
  

  JON (laughs): Well, you have to admit, DARIA, we do look a lot alike. it's
  the glasses, the blank expression, the attitude, how we both carry ourselves.
  (DARIA reflects on this. JON bows his head, then looks at DARIA, clears his
  throat, and says) DARIA, I've never met a girl like you. Would you and JANE
  like to come over to my house tonight for dinner? I was planning to have
  JOSH and BILL over too.
  

  DARIA: I don't know. I don't think JANE likes JOASH much. But the dinner
  invite'll get her for sure--she's not one to turn down free grub. Say, do
  you know any good cheap hotels that'd put JANE and me up for the night? I
  don't know if your friend'll get The Tank back up and running again, and
  it'll probably take a couple of nights of sleeping in that van to really
  get the smell of dirty sweatsocks and old stale farts into my clothes real
  good--but I'm not really looking forward to spending another night there.
  

  JON (brightens): Say, I got an idea. We have a nice treehouse. Why not crash
  there for the night, till we can get you up and out of this toilet bowl town?
  

  DARIA: Lovely. Insead of a crick in my neck and smelly clothes, I get to
  enjoy vertigo, acrophobia, and the risk of falling to my death in the middle
  of the night when I get up to pee. [la la la la la...la la la la la...]
  

  PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:
  

  DR. BELCH..........Jon, Ben, Habib
  

  DANNY COOKSEY.........Tony Moneran
  

  TRACY GRANDSTAFF.............Daria
  

  [this part available]......Timothy









********** Part 4 *********

  

  [After The Tank breaks down in Jigaboo Junction and Jane and Daria eat lunch
  with a decidedly bizarre but friendly group of the locals, DARIA goes off
  alone for a while with JON, the Treehouse Warriors' sensitive, tormented
  leader and learns about the neighborhood he grew up in, which seems a twisted
  mirror-parody of her own idyllic life. She also notices the reaction of many
  people to the similarities between her and the young hero. JON, intrigued
  by DARIA, invites her and JANE to dine with his family that evening, and
  she accepts. If you think lunch was strange--!]
  

  (The scene opens in the SWEET FAMILY dining room, in the evening. There is
  a large square table around which sit CURTIS at the head, his wife ANNIE,
  JONATHAN, DARIA, MARCIE, JOSHUA, JANE, BENJAMIN, TIMOTHY, and BILLY. Everyone
  is eating cheeseburgers and macaroni and cheese--a restful change for lasagna
  every night for DARIA. TIM is holding his pocket lighter, which from time
  to time he lazily flicks into life. Underneath the table are BUDDY, BRANDY,
  and PUNKIN, waiting for scraps.
  

  THe BG MUSIC for this scene may be coming from a radio someplace in the BG,
  playing slow, soft classical-type dinner music.)
  

  (All through the following scene, we never see the faces of CURT or ANNIE.
  Only their voices are superimposed over their bodies, shot from below the
  collar. ANNIE wears a dress; CURT is in a pocket T-shirt that shows his strong,
  hairy arms.)
  

  ANNIE: So, Darla. How do you like it here?
  

  DARIA: DARIA. (swallows) So far, JANE and I have only been here a day. We
  broke down outside the city, and we met your son and his friend--(JON makes
  a cutting gesture with his fingers across his throat. Obviously his folks
  don't have a clue about his superhero lifestyle, and he would prefer to keep
  it that way, thank you very much.)--er--driving by just then. We flagged
  them down and asked for help. JON and his friends bought us lunch and offered
  to fix JANE's brother's friend's van up.
  

  JOSH (mouth full): Yeah. Well, it's gonna take a while. The block's got more
  cracks in it than a butt convention, the hoses are shot to hell and leaking,
  the engine and the motor are covered in oil and look like crap, and goddamn
  if the radiator wasn't filled half up with cheap beer.
  

  JANE (mutters): Damn that Jesse.
  

  DARIA (continues): Anyway, MRS. SWEET, I find your town to be very-- uh --
  interesting. Crowded, violent, dirty, and black. Real nice piece of land
  you've got here, ma'am.
  

  JANE: We're thinking of renting a summer home here.
  

  CURT (in the tone of one accustomed to giving long, bloviating speeches):
  It wasn't always this bad, Darlene--
  

  DARIA (a touch exasperated): DARIA.
  

  CURT (continues): --hell, I was born here, and I went to school here, and
  in my day, th' niggers knew their place. They had their own schools, their
  own housing, their own ever'thing. Then along comes integration, and damn
  if ever'thing doesn't go downhill. What the niggers ain't got a holt of,
  the goddamn Japs do. I bust my ass workin' in a sweatshop eight, ten hours
  a day t' put m' boys through school--
  

  ANNIE (worried): CURT, please. Our guests--
  

  CURT (continues): --and they dont eeven get that good an edjercation'cuz'a
  all den niggers running loose in the place. Teachers're too ascared to teach,
  and the white students're too ascared to learn. I left school and went to
  work early, but if I'd'a known how good I'd had it, I'd'a stayed in'nere.
  I didn't hafta go to school with a bunch'a niggers, and I actually learned
  sump'in.
  

  ANNIE (still worried): CURT, not at the table.
  

  CURT (continues): This was actually a damn fine neighborhood when we come
  down here from Chicago when JON was knee-high to a junebug 'bout ten, twelve
  years ago--then the niggers moved on in and took it over. All the respect'ble
  people up and high-tailed it to better neighborhoods, and I got half a mind
  to do it m'self--'cept I got fambly down here, 'n I don't want to leave 'em
  behind. I want m' kids to be close to their fambly--my fambly. But damn if
  it ain't hard. You're from California, ain't you, Delilah?
  

  DARIA (thoroughly exasperated): DARIA.
  

  CURT (smugly): Yeah. JON's got to go halway 'cross the county to find him
  a decent gal. (JON busies himself with his dinner, staring at his plate.)
  Nothin' roun' here but nigger girls, and I don't want none of my boys to
  never bring home no nigger woman. I don't care who they hitch up with, so
  long as she's white and they're happy.
  

  ANNIE (coldly): CURT, if you don't stop now, I'm getting up and leaving the
  room.
  

  MARCIE: Do what Mom says, Dad, before she leaves the table again. You always
  do this at the table! (She crosses her arms over her full bosom. She is about
  25, with long brown hair done up in the front in a poufy boufont and violet
  eyes, Her pretty face is pouting now.) Either you argue with BENJAMIN, or
  you start cursing and barking orders at everybody! I can't stand it! I'm
  leaving! (storms into the living room)
  

  CURT: Hey! (hollers) I'm your father! Don't do this to me! (bangs fist on
  tabletop. ANNIE, having had enough, sighs, throws her napkin down, and follows
  MARCIE into the living room.)
  

  BEN: Urr-rrrgghha! Ggrrowllrrabballggrrabba (eep)(sputt)! (There are tears
  and anger in his eyes.)
  

  JANE (sotto voce, to DARIA): I understood every word of that, and that scares
  me.
  

  (CURT raises a hand to smack BEN, who raises a fist back. TIM flinches, drops
  his lighter on the floor, and fumbles under the table for it. He flinds it
  and puts it back in his pocket. Then he inserts his thumb in his mouth. Before
  violence can escalate, BEN storms out of the room. CURT follows, yelling.)
  

  JOSH: Damn. I think we'd better split too. C'mon, BILL.
  

  BILLY (mouth full): I'm still eating, dumbass.
  

  JON (waves a hand dismissively): Take it with you. (BILLY scoops up a couple
  of burgers and the bowl of macaroni and cheese, and exeunts.)
  

  Take TIM with you, too. He's starting to bawl. (JOSH exits with the sobbing
  TIM, who is sucking his thumb furiously.)
  

  JANE: I-I better pop out, too. This whole thing is starting to look too much
  like my last family reunion. (loud voice, in the direction of the next room)
  Hey, yo, JOSH! Wait up! BILL! Toss me a burger, kid, would'jah? (JANE exeunts.)
  

  DARIA (watches JANE leave, then looks at JON): Charming lot, aren't they?
  

  JON: Just teetering on the brink of dysfunctional, that's us, but hell, they're
  mine, and I love 'em. I don't suppose your folks are anything like this.
  

  DARIA: Not really. They're your basic overstressed upper middle-class
  type...workahlic mother, father who doesn't know I'm alive, glamourpuss little
  sister--just a Barbie girl living in the Barbie world. To complete the effect,
  I even have padded walls in my room--left over from a schizophrenic who lived
  there last. You'd be surprised how often padded walls come in handy.
  

  JON: Righteous. My room's walls are blood-red--a lovely shade, if I do say
  so myself--and I decorated them with some pop icon posters and these two
  petrified cat skins I've got left over from dissecting cats in zo class.
  

  DARIA: Wicked. But I go to school in California. The animal rights whackos
  won't let us do anything good like that. Much of our syllabus is made up
  of videotapes of those touchy-feely PBS nature documentaries. If I sit through
  one more showing of "Your Friend the Tree Sloth", I'm going to decorate my
  science teacher's shoes with my lunch.
  

  JON: s---, too bad. Nothing quite like the feel of a fistful of cat guts
  and the sweet stench of preserving fluid getting into every orifice in your
  body.
  

  DARIA: My sister would s--- if she heard you say that. She doesn't approve
  of the killing of animals--cute animals, anyway--for any reason.
  

  JON: So...narcissistic sister, workaholic mom, and distant dad. What a combo.
  (laughs) Do you spend a lot of time with them?
  

  DARIA: Not if I can get out of it. Once Mom got this brilliant idea to go
  on a camping trip to help my dad cope with his stress after he broke a blood
  vessel in his eye--just like--(wiggling her fingers in a quoting gesture)--in
  the good old days.
  

  JON: Did it work?
  

  DARIA: Not really. The whole family got into some psychotropic berries and
  went schizo.
  

  JON (laughs): My family, however, doesn't NEED psychotropic berries to go
  schizo.
  

  DARIA: I can see that. (slight smile) You know, you're not like a lot of
  the other guys I know.
  

  JON (smiles slightly too): Well, I'm not from around here.
  

  DARIA (smiles a bit more): Let me guess--you're the last survivor of a dead
  world sent here by your real parents after your home planet blew up, and
  you've been using the super powers given to you by Earth's yellow sun to
  benefit mankind.
  

  JON (grins broadly): You're closer than you think.
  

  (JON is left alone with DARIA--exept for three watchful sets of eyes under
  the table: BUDDY, BRANDY, and PUNKIN. Their lips never move when they speak--it's
  rather like a form of mental telepathy.)
  

  BUDDY: Whoa--dig it. Deja vu all over again. You know I love it. (His large,
  brown expressive eyes widen, then narrow as he has a positively dirty thought--he
  has a lot of them--and he grins broadly, exposing yellow teeth.) Another
  family fight, more leftovers for us. (He licks his muzzle with a long pink
  tongue.)
  

  BRANDY (awed): I just can't believe how much that DARIA girl looks like JON.
  It's like they came right out of the same litter.
  

  PUNKIN: Wow. I mean, c'mon, It's crazy. It's like seeing double over here.
  

  BUDDY: You think he's serious about her?
  

  BRANDY: Looks that way. Look at how they stare into each other's eyes.
  

  (JON and DARIA both reach for the last cheeseburger at the same time; their
  hands brush one another.)
  

  BRANDY: Oh! Did you see that! They touched paws!
  

  BUDDY: Heh,heh! Sniff her butt! C'mon c'mon c'mon!!
  

  PUNKIN: Humans kiss, you ignorant fleabag, not sniff each other like stupid
  animals. Get a clue here, you fleabitten savage b--
  

  (There is a loud crunch and smacking sound as BUDDY swallows PUNKIN whole,
  leaving nothing but the tip of his tail hanging from his mouth. Don't worry,
  folks, PUNKIN will be back for scene six, relatively unhurt.)
  

  BRANDY (shocked, grossed out): BUDDY!
  

  BUDDY (muffled, cheeks bulging): What?
  

  (JON and DARIA look at each other, perhaps both slightly blushing. A long
  silence ensues. JON breaks it by saying:) Go halfsies with you.
  

  DARIA: Okay. (JON splits the burger in two, and each takes half. They eat
  gazing into each other's eyes. BG MUSIC: Bob Dylan's "Baby, Let Me Follow
  You Down." plays softly as the scene fades to black.)
  

  [la la la la la...la la la la la....]
  

  PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:
  

  DR. BELCH...Jon, Ben, Curt, Annie, Buddy, Punkin
  

  ALLISON COURT (sp?).......................Brandy
  

  TRACY GRANDSTAFF...........................Daria WENDY
  

  HOOPES...............................Jane
  

  [this part available].....................Billy
  

  [this part available]......................Josh
  

  [this part available]....................Marcie [this part
  

  available]...................Timothy








******** Part 5 **********

  

  [Strangers in a strange land DARIA and JANE are the guests of a truly wild
  dinner at the SWEET house, where DARIA learns, courtesy of JON's well-meaning
  but extremely loud and opinionated father, quite a bit about the town she
  and JANE are stuck in. But the true horrors of the city aren't what walks
  the streets but what lurks beneath them, as she will soon find out...]
  

  (The scene opens on some sort of subterranean lair; time uncertain, but most
  likely in the same time frame as the SWEET FAMILY dinner. JIGABOO GOONS mill
  around the spacious chamber, tending to large, old-fashioned, flickering
  computer consoles and other dometic minutae. The place has an air of grandness
  but also of age; the metal walls and several of the machines look run-down,
  dusty, and rusty. A DARK FIGUE sits in a huge-backed swivel chair, brooding
  as he stares at a wall of television monitors. These are blank. BG MUSIC:
  Either some weird goth/heavy metal s---, or, with all the jigs around, loud,
  profanity-filled rap music would be apropos. A sliding door in a far wall
  whooshes open, and a high-pitched female voice cries out:) Yo, honey, uuuhhh!!
  I just got out of the joint, sweetcakes! Aren't you happy to see me?
  

  (The DARK FIGURE grunts noncommitally.)
  

  (The camera pans on HARLEY DAVIDSON. She is fifteen, a bubbly, bouncy biker
  babe dressed in a leather motorcycle jacket with a loop of chain on the shulder.
  mismatched tennis shoes, cutoff jeans, a tanktop, and wild spiky three-color
  hair. She is your basic reform school dropout.)
  

  HARLEY: I said I just got out of the joint! Aren't you happy to see me? Uhhhhh.
  

  (The figure turns around, enveloped in shadows.) Yes. Yes, I am. Come here
  and gimme some lovin'.
  

  (HARLEY plunks herself down in the DARK MAN's lap and plants vicious, smacking
  kisses on his face. He does not recprocate.)
  

  HARLEY: What's wrong, baby? Hmmm? Uhh-hhhh!
  

  DARK MAN: I've failed, darling. I've failed myself, I've failed my father,
  I've failed my cause.
  

  HARLEY: Honey, you don't need those--things. You have me.
  

  DARK MAN: But I do need them, darling. I need them to help me spread my seed
  all over the world. All seven continents will bear my children...perfect
  children, created in my image. I will be the father of nations, God of a
  new race of supra-men. But now...no. I have failed.
  

  (The door slides open, and MOJO enters. He is a rough-looking black thug
  with a cropped fade and a huge diamond in his nose.)
  

  MOJO: Lo'd DEMI-JON, one'a yo' loyal followers done has returned f'um above.
  He wanna talk wif' you.
  

  (DEMI-JON leans forward, nearly spilling HARLEY on the floor, and grips the
  arms of his chair. He looks exactly like JON, but wears black glasses frames,
  a black caop, and a black cape with red lining. His voice is like JON's,
  but lower and infinitely more evil.)
  

  DEMI-JON: I summoned him here, Frodo. Send the wastrel in.
  

  MOJO (pained): Dat's MOJO, man. Damn. Cain't you nevah get it right? (turns
  to the door) Sen' in da supplicant!
  

  (A BLACK TOUGH enters. This is the same BLACK TOUGH who was captured and
  hung upside down in a tree earlier by JOSH and JON.) Uh...L-Lo'd
  

  DEMI-JON? Ah--ah's come, lak you done said.
  

  DEMI-JON (settling back in his chair, reimmersing himself in the shadows):
  Well. I have trained you and your kind to be merciless, efficient killing
  machines, who strike in the dead of the night with swift, silent pecision
  in my name and leave no hint of your prescence but dead bodies and broken
  lives. But now I hear that you and one of your lowlife friends stole a car,
  robbed a liquor store, and got caught. In broad daylight, nonetheless. (looks
  at MOJO) Did you know anything about this, Hiroko?
  

  MOJO: Naw, I ain't had nuf'fin to do wif' it. An' it's MOJO, man!
  

  (DEMI-JON's attention returns to the BLACK TOUGH, and the light returns to
  his face, showing frightening, barely suppressed rage on his countenance.
  He is suddenly interested in something.) You have something for me.
  

  BLACK TOUGH (petrified): N-naw, Lo'd DEMI-JON! I ain't got nuf'fin! Dem honkeys
  took da money! Honest! Ah ain't ho'din' nuf'fin back!
  

  DEMI-JON (calmly): Not anything so pedestrian as money, peon. Something else.
  (He waaves his hand and shoots a ray of blue light from his palm. It engulfs
  the BLACK TOUGH's head--we can see the impression of his skull through his
  skin--and sends him down on his knees, bawling in pain. DEMI-JON waves his
  hands in a wide arc, causing HARLEY to duck, and the blue light washes over
  the monitors.) Your mind, fool! Something you saw, damn you. (He studies
  the images.) That girl! Yes! That girl! (He points to an image on the screen--the
  face of DARIA.) She is what I need to make my father's dream a reality! (HARLE
  is terrified and trembles in his lap; she has no idea what to make of her
  lover's bloodlust or his sudden change of mood. MOJO is trying to bleed into
  the woodwork and disappear. The BLACK TOUGH is lying on the chamber floor,
  unconcious, his synapses fried. He may well be dead. DEMI-JON's maniac laughter
  rings as the scene fades to black--no pun intended.)
  

  [la la la la la...la la la la la...]
  

  PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:
  

  DR. BELCH..............Demi-Jon, Harley Davidson
  

  [this part available].......................Mojo
  

  [this part available].................Black Thug









******** Part 6 **********

  

  [She's only been in town one day, and already she's made herself an enemy.
  A strange, malevolent being named DEMI-JON, who is a genetically-created
  clone of DARIA's mysterious benefactor, has learned through one of his JIGABOO
  GOONS of her existence and plans to use her in his plan to "spread [his]
  seed over the world"--whatever that means. Meantime, DARIA and JANE have
  finished dinner and are now ready to hit the hay. The day so far has been
  too much...but it's nothing compared to the surprises in store tomorrow...]
  

  (The scene opens on the darkened interior of the Warrior treehouse, late
  that night. DARIA and JANE are curled up in sleeping bags on the hardwood
  floor There is a table in the center of the room, spacious windows in each
  wall, a door, and, in one rear corner, a computer and TV monitor...obviously
  JOSH's handiwork. IN the BG we hear chirping crickets.)
  

  JANE (sleepily): DARIA?
  

  DARIA (sleepily): Yeah?
  

  JANE: Some freaky dinner, huh?
  

  DARIA: Yeah.
  

  JANE: JON's got a hell of a family.
  

  DARIA: Yeah, HELEN and JAKE they ain't.
  

  JANE: Yep. Lot more life in this bunch.
  

  DARIA: You have a point?
  

  JANE: You and JON seemed kinda...close.
  

  DARIA: So?
  

  JANE: Think Trent'll have a little competition?
  

  DARIA: Shut up, JANE.
  

  JANE: No, I'm serious. I mean, I saw those looks you and JON were sharing.
  

  DARIA: And I saw the looks ou and JOSH were sharing.
  

  JANE: Shut up, DARIA.
  

  (DARIA smiles in the dark.)
  

  (Cut to the next scene, Thursday evening. Pan in on Daria and JON seated
  side by side on the couch in JON's living room, watching TV with identical
  blank looks on their faces. They are watching, naturally, "Sick Sad World".
  BG MUSIC: The "SSW" theme swells.)
  

  TV ANNOUNCER: Are genetically-enhanced lab rats trying to take over the world?
  

  A VOICE LIKE THAT OF ORSON WELLES: Yes! But we are mice, not rats.
  

  A HIGH COCKNEY VOICE: (laughs a silly, high laugh) Narf!
  

  TV ANNOUNCER: Next up on 'Sick Sad World"!
  

  (Cut to the interior of the kitchen, where MARCIE is rinsing dishes at the
  sink and ANGELA is preparing popcorn for JON and DARIA.)
  

  MARCIE (out of the blue): It's weird, isn't it?
  

  ANGELA (absently): What's weird?
  

  MARCIE: This. You in the kitchen making snacks for JON and that DARIA girl
  and not sitting next to him watching TV. I think he's sweet on her.
  

  ANGELA (exasperatedly): Yor point being--?
  

  MARCIE: I mean. didn't you and he have a--?
  

  ANGELA (quickly): We're just friends, MARCE. I don't have his name branded
  on my heinie, and he doesn't have mine on his. I don't care about that DARIA
  girl. I could care less about who he hangs out with.
  

  MARCIE (murmuring): The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
  

  ANGELA (sharply): What was that?
  

  MARCIE: Nothing, nothing. (puts down plate) But usually you're out there
  with him watching TV...and I know you've been...intimate.
  

  ANGELA: Are you implying what I think you're implying? (indignant) We kissed
  once or twice, yes, in the heat of battle. We were tense. Passions were high.
  But JON and I are just friends. That's it. Now, if you'll excuse me... (ANGELA
  takes up the bowl of popcorn and exits).
  

  MARCIE (looks at PUNKIN, who is eating from his dish on the counter): Yep,
  she's got it bad. Don't you agree, PUNKY?
  

  PUNKIN: Don't look at me. I'm just a...a cat over here.
  

  (Cut to living room interior. ANGELA enters, glances at DARIA and JON, and
  plunks the bowl n the couch between them.)
  

  DARIA (sweetly, to ANGELA): What? No salt?
  

  (ANGELA glowers at DARIA and leaves again.)
  

  DARIA (to JON): I think your girlfriend's pissed off at me.
  

  JON (quickly): Oh, she--she's not--that is, we--we're just friends. Really.
  (uncomfortable) Uh...where's JANE?
  

  DARIA: I sent her off with JSH to fix up The Tank. If she doesn't cave in
  his skull with a wrench first, they should have her up and raring to go by
  morning.
  

  (Cut to kitchen; ANGELA is rooting around in the spice cabinet for the salt.)
  

  MARCIE: You okay?
  

  ANGELA: I'm fine. I'm fine as paint. (grabs the salt shaker) By tomorrow,
  the girl will be on her way back to Hollywood with her creepy artist friend.
  (leaves the kitchen with the shaker, enters the living room, hands the shakerr
  to DARIA, leaves the living room and re-enters the kitchen, all with an air
  of restrained fury.)
  

  DARIA (watching ANGELA): She really is pissed. And I think it has something
  to do with me being here.
  

  JON: Don't be silly. I mean, I'm free to da--uh--to be friends with other
  women. And it's never made her mad before.
  

  DARIA (raising an eyebrow at the word "before"): And suppose she da--uh--made
  friends with other men?
  

  JON (trying to be funny): I'd hunt them down and kill them.
  

  (BUDDY enters, climbs up on the couch, and crawls into DARIA's lap. He lies
  his head on her chest and seems to grin. DARIA looks surprised.)
  

  JON (laughs): Congratualtions, DARIA. You've jst been BUDDY-approved. I've
  never seen him take so to anyone like that before...especially a girl. The
  only other girl I've ever seen him do that with before was-- (he stops himself)
  

  DARIA (softly): ANGELA?
  

  (JON nods weakly. There is uncomfortable silence punctuated only by the
  television's rantings.)
  

  TELEVISION ANNOUNCER: Elderly grandmothers who solve crimes with the help
  of their feuding pets! Next up on "Sick Sad Wor--"
  

  (All of a sudden the show bursts into static, and a bulbous face in dark-framed
  glasses fills the screen mockingly.)
  

  JON (hotly): DEMI-JON!
  

  DARIA (confused): Who is--! And why does he look like--?
  

  (The camera pulls back to reveal DEMI-JON standing in his underground chamber,
  grinning broadly. From the ceiling, her hands chained to her sides, hangs
  an unconcious young lady DARIA recognizes instantly.)
  

  DARIA (afraid): JANE!
  

  DEMI-JON: Greetings, cousin. I have tapped into your cable signal just long
  enough to tell you that I have something here you might be interested in.
  I want to arrange an exchange...this girl (points to JANE) for the other
  girl. The one with the glasses and the blank face. Or else.
  

  JON (roars at TV): Never!!
  

  DARIA (touching JON's shoulder): JANE is...my best friend in the world. I
  couldn't live without her. (For perhaps the first time, DARIA is showing
  emotion; tears may be gleaming behind those thick lenses.) I have to save
  her.
  

  JON (with heartfelt understanding): WE have to save her. (DARIA smiles,
  relieved.)
  

  DEMI-JON: In the name of my father Snakeman, it...shall...be. (laughs a loud,
  ringing laugh that sounds like it comes from the depths of hell...which it
  does. The image of his laughing face breaks up and "Sick Sad World" returns
  to the screen just as MARCIE and ANGELA enter to see what all the commotion
  is about.)
  

  MARCIE: JON, stop that racket. You know Mom hates it when you boys yell at
  the TV.
  

  ANGELA (sees JON and DARIA looking pale): Wh-what's the matter?
  

  (JOSHUA and BENJAMIN burst in at this moment, looking worse for the wear.
  It is evident that they've been in a fight. Each tries to outshout the other.)
  

  JOSH: It was horrible--
  

  BEN: --Urr-rrghha--
  

  JOSH: --gang of jigs--
  

  BEN:--grrowllrrabba--
  

  JOSH: --kidnapped JANE--
  

  BEN: --(hic) (sputt)!
  

  (DARIA puts two fingers in her mouth and whistles shrilly. Everyone shuts
  up. DARIA smiles briefly.)
  

  JON: JOSH, tell me what happened.
  

  JOSH: It's like this, see. BEN and JANEY and me were workin' on The Tank
  up by the city limits, right? Nobody out there for miles. All of a sudden,
  four big jigs jumped us from the back. BEN and me mopped up a couple of 'em,
  but then the other two came up behind us. Musta used a stun gun on us, 'cuz
  my neck's burning like hell. He were out for hours. We come to, and JANEY
  was gone.
  

  BEN: Urrgghha! Grrowwllrrabba (hic) (sputt)!
  

  JOSH: See! BEN backs up my story!
  

  JON (grimly): It was DEMI-JON. He just sent me a message over the tube. He
  nabbed JANE to get at DARIA.
  

  DARIA (now thoroughly mixed up): Me? Who'd want me? And who is this DEMI-JON
  creep? What in hell's going on?
  

  JON: I'll tell you on the way, DARIA. We're going underground to save
  

  JANE. You and me.
  

  JOSH: Me too (pounds fist into hand) I want another crack at those niggers
  who jumped us.
  

  BEN: Urrggh!! (makes fists) Me too! (sputt)!
  

  ANGELA: I'll come too.
  

  JON: No, you won't. We've got enough bodies at stake. Can't afford to risk
  another.
  

  ANGELA (shocked and furious): But why is DARIA--?
  

  DARIA (oddly calm): Because he wants me. God knows why.
  

  JON: I doubt if even God knows what that looney-toon is thinking, babe.
  

  (JON, JOSH, BEN, and DARIA bolt for the door. ANGELA watches, crestfallen.)
  

  ANGELA: Babe? Did he call her babe? (more to herself than anyone else) He
  called her babe! But--that's what he calls me! I'M babe! BG MUSIC: Bob Dylan's
  "You're a Big Girl Now" swells as amera pans in on ANGELA's face to reveal
  her blue eyes filling with tears. She looks to MARCIE for comfort, but she's
  alrady left the room. She looks to BUDDY, hoping he'll put his head on her
  chest like he usually does, but he's too intent on licking his nutsack to
  offer condolences. ANGELA sits feeling alone and empty on the edge of the
  couch with her head in her hands. She leans forward, elbows on her knees,
  trying hard not to cry. Move to overhead shot, looking down on her as the
  BG music swells and the scene fades to black.)
  

  [la la la la la.....la la la la la]
  

  PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:
  

  DR. BELCH.....Jon, Ben, Demi-Jon, TV announcer, Orson Welles voice,
  

  cockney voice, Punkin
  

  TRACY GRANDSTAFF............................Daria
  

  WENDY HOOPES.................................Jane
  

  LINDA LARKIN...............................Angela
  

  [this part available]......................Joshua
  

  [this part available]......................Marcie









********* Part 7 **********

  

  [DARIA and JANE spend the night in The Warrior's treehouse, which is more
  of a battle fortress than anything else, and spend a restful night unaware
  of the evil that is lurking in the city's black heart. The following evening
  seems to unfold like a malignant rose with two black blossoms. First, DARIA
  is subjected to the envious outbursts of JON's sometimes-love interest ANGELA,
  who feels that she has been replaced by this myseterious blank-faced girl
  from California. Secondly, she discovers that JANE has been abducted by the
  psychotic DEMI-JON and is being used as a bargaining chip to get at her.
  A posse is immediately rounded up...but when JON picks DARIA to go with him
  instead of ANGELA, she feels snubbed and hurt. Between kidnapping madmen
  and jealous girlfriends, DARIA is really taking it on both sides. Now on
  the the rescue...]
  

  (Thge scene opens with a shot of JON and JOSH's van the Crook Buster hurtling
  down a city street in the dead of the night. Cut to an interior shot of the
  van. JOSH is driving; JON rides shotgun. DARIA sits in the seat behind JON.
  She has just been briefed on a few particulars and is totally in disbelief.
  BEN is seated in the seat to her right. BG MUSIC: In honor of DEMI-JON, Bob
  Dylan's "Jokerman", particularly the chorus, will do nicely.)
  

  DARIA (heaves heavy sigh): Okay...let me get this straight. You're telling
  me that some chemical explosion in your treehouse a few years back nearly
  killed you, but you survived, and then you discovered that it gave you super
  powers ...and that the kook we saw on TV who nabbed JANE is your evil clone,
  who has the exact powers you do because he was grown from your DNA like a
  cutting off a plant?
  

  JOSH: That's about the half of it, sister.
  

  DARIA: Tell me more about his father--this Snakeman character.
  

  JON (deep sigh): Okay. Snakeman used to be a brilliant genetic biologist
  whose passion was herpetology--studying snakes. He was working one day with
  a particularly virulent strain of cobras when he made a mistake and was bitten.
  He foolishly treated himself with a highly experimental snakebite cure, which
  caused him to turn into a mutant reptile man. He dedicated his life and perverted
  his brilliant mind then to the dark side, studying black magic and recruiting
  fellow misfits and freaks, born or created. Some time past, he and I fought
  a duel to the death. His.
  

  DARIA (eyes wide): You--?
  

  JON: --ended his worthless life with my own two hands. Yes. I hate to talk
  about it, but I must, now. I'm sorry if I shock you.
  

  DARIA (composed again): Nothing shocks me. I always wondered what it was
  like to off a guy. The closest I ever came was when this loudmouth jerk of
  a football player came back to Lawndale for Homecoming. JANE and I wished
  he's drop dead. A minute later, a goalpost fell on his head and killed him.
  It was cool. Sad...but cool.
  

  JOSH (chuckling): I don't suppose you ever said anything like that again.
  

  DARIA (seems to ponder): Well...once. But my sister QUINN is still very much
  with us.
  

  (Cut to exterior shot of the van driving through a park and screeching to
  a stop, crushing a wooden bench to splinters. JON, DARIA, JOSH, and BEN exit
  the van. JON runs over to a manhole rising slightly up from the ground on
  a concrete pillar, and, in a display of superhuman strength, tears the manhole
  cover away like an aspirin bottle lid. DARIA's eyes widen in surprise.)
  

  JON (coldly): Down the hole.
  

  (Jon dives into the pipe. JOSH follows. BEN advances forth, grunting and
  growling--his movement is a fluid whirling spin, similar to that of the Tasmanian
  Devil--and enters the hole. DARIA is last in the procession. She holds back
  reluctantly.)
  

  DARIA (wryly): Lucky I wore my high boots. Perfect for walking in turd water.
  

  (DARIA climbs into the hole. Scene fades to black.)
  

  [la la la la la....la la la la la....]
  

  PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:
  

  DR. BELCH..........Jon, Ben
  

  TRACY GRANDSTAFF......Daria
  

  [this part available]..Josh









********** Part 8 ***********

  

  [Racing against the clock to save JANE from the clutches of JON's devilish
  double DEMI-JON, DARIA learns a bit of back story on JON, DEMI-JON, and
  DEMI-JON's "father" Snakeman, an evil mutant who was once a good man. Now
  our heros are going underground to battle an evil the likes of which our
  ladies from Lawndale have only seen in movies and reruns of "Sick Sad World"...]
  

  (Montage shots of JON, JOSH, BEN, and DARIA trudging through the sewers--large
  pipes, small pipes, silhouette shots against brick walls, tunnels, to a hole
  in the wall leading to a spacious hidden cavern. BG MUSIC: Military-type
  beat, lots of drums and tympanis.
  

  Eventually the four of them reach a hollowed-out door cut painstakingly into
  the granite rock, leading to a narrow square hall lined with handrails and
  floodlights. JON leads, JOSH and BEN follow, and DARIA brings up the rear.)
  

  JON: quietly): No guards. They're expecting us. It's most definitely a trap.
  

  DARIA: As if we have a choice?
  

  BEN: Urr-rrgghh! (sputt)!
  

  JON: BEN's right. We can't barge in without some kind of plan.
  

  JOSH: I say storm the joint, kick a lot of asses, spring JANEY, and split.
  

  DARIA: Sounds like a plan to me.
  

  (The voice of DEMI-JON booms over hidden loudspeakers.) Velkommen, cousin!
  Been expecting you! C'mon in! (The huge stone double doors at the far end
  of the hall whoosh open, and in walk JON, JOSH, BEN, and DARIA. The room
  is dark--until the overhead spotlights click on. BG MUSIC: "The Ride of the
  Valkyries" swells as the lights click on; it fades as HARLEY speaks and
  disappears as DEMI-JON says "...rule the world." One light reveals a mob
  of JIGABOO GOONS, guns pointed at our heroes and cocking with loud, dry clicks.
  A second spot shows the monitor wall. The third reveals DEMI-JON on his throne,
  with HARLEY on his right and MOJO on his left. DEMI-JON is tapping the tips
  of his fingers together in front of his chest, grinning evilly.
  

  HARLEY (surprised, looks at DARIA): Oo-ooh! She--she looks exactly like--like
  him! (points to JON) And like you! (points to DEMI-JON).
  

  MOJO: Damn: I ain't know deah was T'REE white folks on earf' dat ugly!
  

  (DARIA, JON, and DEMI-JON all scowl at MOJO.)
  

  MOJO: What? Ah say sum'fin?
  

  DEMI-JON (broad smile again): You are correct, HARLEY darling. She is genetically
  perfect for my master plan to rule the world.
  

  DARIA (scowl deepens): Rule the world? Genetic mutants? Evil clones? What
  comic book did I stumble into?
  

  DEMI-JON (howls with raucous laughter): Such deadpan delivery! I love it!
  (holds up a remote control) This, my dear, is what it's all about. (presses
  a button on the control. The monitors part into two sliding panels and retract
  into the walls on either side, revvealing a hidden chaber. Inside are rows
  and rows of immense glass tanks. Inside each is a shadowy figure hooked to
  cables and floating in a greenish chemical bath.)
  

  JON (dumbfounded): Oh my god. Are those--?
  

  DARIA (finishes): --bodies?
  

  DEMI-JON: Better. (He presses a second button, and one of the glass tanks
  lifts up and slides into a panel in the ceiling, spilling chemical bath on
  the floor. There is a drain set into the tile, and the fluid drains into
  it with a thick chuckling gurgle. There is a shadowy human figure suspended
  there by wires, which disconnect with a hiss from its back and navel. It
  steps forward, shuffling, into the light.)
  

  JON: Oh my god--it's--
  

  BEN: Urrgghia!!
  

  DARIA: It's--it's--me?!?
  

  (The figure does indeed superficially resemble DARIA. It is naked but for
  a small metal jockstrap-like apparatus around its pubic area and rear and
  a metal bra over its breasts. It's--her--hair is raven-black and stringy,
  sopping with chemical bath. It--she--advances, dripping, into the chamber.)
  

  DARIA CLONE: I live to serve thee, Lord DEMI-JON. I live to love thee. I
  live to--I live--I--live-- (The DARIA CLONE's voice speeds up like a tape
  being fast-forwarded, then slows down to a thick gooey drawl, then becomes
  unintelligible. Then she--it--dissolves into a slimy green puddle of protoplasm.
  All are surprised, except DEMI-JON.)
  

  DEMI-JON (blandly): This always happens. You see, in trying to carry out
  my father's dream, I have tried using samples of my own blood with the Y
  chromosome removed and the X chromosome doubled--in essence, creating exact
  female duplicates of you and me, JONny-boy. Daughters, if you will. But the
  gene splice and doubling of chromosomes makes them unstable. Their cells
  unravel and give off heat, resulting in--well, this (points to chemical puddle
  on floor). My DNA simply doesn't work to breed girls.
  

  JOSH: Why not borrow some of HARLEY's?
  

  DEDMI-JON: HARLEY's one of a kind. She doesn't like needles, and I can't
  bear to hurt my darling little HARLEY-kins just for a few drops of blood,
  now can I? Hmmm! (He chuckles and tickles HARLEY under the chin, making her
  giggle a high, girlish, very Brittany-esque laugh. DARIA makes a small retching
  noise.)
  

  BEN: Urr-rrgghh...urr-grrowllurrrgghabraakk (hic) (sputt)!
  

  JON: I agree with BEn--you are a hypocritical reprobate. Not wanting to take
  little bit of blood out of some little floozy's arm, but at the same time
  perfectly willing to kill thousands of innocent people and not even blink.
  

  (HARLEY pouts with her lower lip out, obviously offended at the "floozy"
  crack, and cuddles closer to DEMI-JON, who curls his upper lip in a snarl
  at his twin.)
  

  DEMI-JON (growls): Watch your mouth, cousin.
  

  JOSH: s---, DEMI--why not just raise a family the old-fashioned way? You
  and HARLEY settle down, get a house in the 'burbs, crank out a litter of
  little megalomaniac assholes?
  

  HARLEY: Conceive naturally? Now there's an idea. Uuuhhhh. (Moves to hug DEMI-JON,
  who ignores her and rises from his throne.)
  

  DEMI-JON: That's where you (poiunts to DARIA) come in. A few drops of your
  blood is all I need to weave together the chromosome strands tightly enough
  to stabalize the daughter duplicates. Then I can establish colonies all over
  the world...children! Grandchildren! Great-grandchildren! I will be father
  of all nations! I will be an immortal! (laughs maniacally)
  

  DARIA: Forget it, DEMI-JON. I have a thing about needles too, and I'm not
  to keen on psychos either. Where is JANE?
  

  (DEMI-JON points wordlessly. A spot reveals JANE, still suspended and chained
  as before, but concious and gagged.)
  

  JANE: Mmmph! Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmmph!
  

  BEN: Urr-rrgghh! Growlrrabbaurrghh (eep) (sputt)! DEMI-JON (wryly): Real
  meeting of the minds here.
  

  (BEN hunkers down, then leaps roaring into the air like an animal. He grabs
  the chains around JANE's body--then realizes that they are electrified and
  that the rope tied around JANE on the inside of the chains is there for
  insulation. He is electrocuted and flops, smoking, to the floor.)
  

  JON (screaming): BEN!!
  

  (BEN sits up, dazed and charred, and hacks up a mouthful of smoke. He starts
  to sing off-key and dazedly): Some call me the space cowboy--some call me
  the gangster of love. Some people call me ...Maur...ice. (hacks again, falls
  over and sprawls out on floor.)
  

  DEMI-JON (to DARIA): Your blood, pretty one, is all I ask. Give it willingly,
  or (snaps fingers; the JIGABOO GOONS snap their fingers and train their guns
  on DARIA, JON, and JOSH) unwillingly. All the same to me.
  

  DARIA (sighs resignedly): Okay, DEMI-JON. You've got me dead to rights. I'll
  give you what you've been asking for.
  

  DEMI-JON: Excellent. You are a bright girl. Maria.
  

  DARIA: That's DARIA. Just tell Toto and the boys to drop the guns.
  

  MOJO: Dat's MOJO!
  

  DEMI-JON: Drop 'em, boys.
  

  (The JIGABOO GOONS lower their guns.)
  

  DARIA: Just let me clean my glasses. (She turns slightly, then makes a swift
  sudden movement to grab the glasses-shaped boomerang off JON's beltloop.
  She pitches it, with perfect precision, just as she saw JON do it before,
  and sends it whirling over everyone's heads into the wall of monitors. There
  is a crash, followed by the crackle of electricity, then the hollow boom
  of dozens of TV screens imploding on themselves. The tanks in the next room
  begin to heat up, the chemical bath inside deepening from sea green to red-hot
  and bubbling.)
  

  DEMI-JON (howling in outrage): No-n-n-n-nooo-ooo-oo-o!!! You little
  

  BITCH! You blew out the temperature control system for the tanks!! Why? WHY?!
  

  DARIA: Just giving you what you've been asking for. And, brother, did you
  ask for this one.
  

  (The bodies in each tank boil to pieces, exploding into gooey fragments like
  wieners in a microwave. The tanks crack and split from side to side. DEMI-JON
  is screaming in mingled rage and confusion. HARLEY tries to comfort him but
  he pushes her away.)
  

  DEMI-JON (close to tears): Kill them! By the bard of Beelzebub, KILL THEM
  ALL!!
  

  (BG MUSIC: Chumbawumba's "Tub Thumping" sweels as DEMI-JON gives the attack
  order and fades out as he confronts DARIA.)
  

  (The JIGABOO GOONS spring to life, but JOSH and JON mop them up fairly quiclkly
  with a few well-placed punches. Montage shots of kicks, punches, and bodies
  flying through the air. JON's forces seem to be winning, natch. Shots are
  fired, but bounce off JON's chest like spitballs. MOJO tries to make a break
  for it, but JOSH cuts his escape short by landing a two-fisted punch to his
  lower back.)
  

  JOSH: That'll keep you busy, Dodo.
  

  MOJO (coughing, in pain): Dat's MOJO...moth'af---'a... (faints)
  

  (DARIA confronts DEMI-JON, whose eyes are mad and red with grief and pain.
  A fallen JIGABOO GOON lies at her feet, a machine gun clutched in his hands.
  DARIA seizes it and aims it at DEMI-JON. He only laughs.)
  

  DEMI-JON: That pop gun won't hurt me, my dearest Dharma. I'm invulnerable.
  

  DARIA (angry sigh): It's DARIA, okay? And (briefly appraising DEMI-JON) I
  bet you're not invulnerable everywhere. (draws back her booted foot and slams
  it into DEMI-JON's crotch with a crunching sound. A high gasp wheezes from
  him as his face bloats up and turns red. he drops to his knees, clutching
  himself.) Heads up, JANE. (She aims the machine gun and fires, neatly slicing
  the chain in half. JANE falls through the air, her scream muffled, right
  into JOSH's waiting arms. He tears the tape off her mouth.)
  

  JANE (clears her throat): Thanks, Slick. Nice save.
  

  JOSH: We're just a couple of bad pennies, JANEY. We keep turning up together.
  

  JANE: You got that right. (as an aferthought, puts her hand to her mouth)
  Ow.
  

  DEMI-JON (from the floor, in a high squeaky voice): Kill her.
  

  (Easier said than done. DEMI-JON's forces are severely decimated. JOSH has
  MOJO cuffed and restrained by a large metal pipe on the wall; most of the
  other JIGABOO GOONS are unconscious on the floor or have fled the room. HARLEY
  stands shifting to and fro like a little girl needing to take a piss, not
  sure whether to stay or run. JON helps BEN to his feet; he is sore and groggy
  yet grateful. With the clone lab nothing more than a mess of goo and glass
  and many of the computer consoles in flames, there's really not much more
  to see here. JON, DARIA, JOSH, JANE, and BEN turn to leave. BEN is leaning
  on JON for suppoert, JANE on JOSH. She tips DARIA a wink. DARIA pauses to
  look back at DEMI-JON, who stands weeping in the center of the room, hunched
  over with his back convulsing in sobs. HARLEY remains aloof, still unsure
  what to do.)
  

  DEMI-JON (choked with misery): My--father's--dream! Years--years of work!
  Gone! Because--of that--goddamn GIRL! (sobs harder)
  

  DARIA (concerned): Shouldn't we...arrest him? Take him into custody? Try
  to...help him?
  

  JON (coldly): Why bother? The police can't hold him. The doctors at the asylum
  can't help him. Better that he stay here and wallow in his own filth awhile.
  Every day the Cobra Pit falls apart a little more, gets a little older, a
  little more decrepit. Soon it'll be gone. He'll learn someday that he's only
  following a dead dream.
  

  (The group leaves the Cobra Pit and DEMI-JON's fallen empire behind. As they
  reach the cavern, DARIA calls to JON. He halts.)
  

  DARIA: Something's really bothering me. When we left your house, ANGELA was
  all--
  

  JON: --upset. I-I know. She knows how I feel about her, dammit. Why the hell
  is she acting this way?
  

  DARIA: Have you TOLD her how you feel?
  

  JON: Well...after a--a battle or two, yes...
  

  DARIA: Damn you, JON, I don't mean that. I mean, some night when you're sitting
  around watching TV, or while you're walking under the moon on a starry night
  on a quiet country highway, or...
  

  BEN: Urr-rrgghha. Urr-grrowwrrhhurrggh (sputt).
  

  DARIA: Yeah, or that...whatever he said. Not after you've just finished fighting
  some crazy like that guy back there, when you're (here, sounding a touch
  breathless and carried away) all hot and...and sweaty...and you've got your
  blood up...and...p-passions run high (fixes JON with a deep gaze)
  

  (BEN moves away, limping slightly, and joins JOSH and JANE some distance
  ahead.)
  

  BEN: Urr-rrghh! Grrowllurrghha (eep) (sputt)!
  

  JOSH: What?
  

  JANE: I...think he said your pal JON and DARIA are getting along pretty good.
  

  JOSH: You understood him?
  

  JANE: Not in so many words, but (pointing behind them) I think I caught the
  gist of it.
  

  (JOSH looks and whistles loudly. JON and DARIA are kissing passionately.
  Because he is taller than her by a head or so, she has to stand on tiptoe
  to reach his lips, and although this should look ridiculous, somehow it doesn't.)
  

  (BG MUSIC: The second verse of Bob Dylan's "You're A Big Girl Now" swells
  up again--we heard the first at the end of act six.)
  

  (Pan back to JANE, JOSH, and BEN, all with surprised looks on their
  faces--especially JANE.)
  

  JOSH: Well, I'll be goddamned...
  

  BEN: Urrr-URRRR-urrgghh! (sputt)!
  

  JANE: Wonder where she learned to do that little trick with her tongue--?
  

  (Pan back to JON and DARIA, still kissing, and fade out.)
  

  [la la la la la....la la la la la....]
  

  PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:
  

  DR. BELCH.....Jon, Ben, Demi-Jon, Harley Davidson
  

  TRACY GRANDSTAFF..............Daria, Daria cone
  

  WENDY HOOPES................................Jane
  

  [this part available].......................Josh
  

  [this part available].......................Mojo









********** Part 9 **********

  

  [With the thought of Angela left behind crying on the sofa weighing on his
  conscience, our hero races against the clock to save JANE from the clutches
  of his arch-nemisis DEMI-JON. Our band of heroes meets up with the young
  master of malice in his underground stronghold, the Cobra Pit. DEMI-JON shares
  with our heroes his plan for clobal domination...female clones of himself
  which he plans to use DARIA's DNA to breed. However, through DARIA's ingenuity
  and quick thinking, the plan is thwarted, JANE is saved, and the underground
  lab is reduced to rubble. In a moment of post-battle passion, DARIA and JON
  confront their feelings and confess their intense attraction towards each
  other. As everything comes around full circle, love becomes a torrid triangle...]
  

  (Lo and behold--JON's house. To be more precise, his bedroom! The room is
  comfortably cluttered and manly-looking: paper-littered mirrored dresser
  serving as a desk, ab cruncher in the center of the room, posters--Bob Dylan
  on the door, M.C. Hammer on the closet, Freddy Kreuger over the bed--and
  the cat skins mentioned in act five decorate the blood-colored walls. In
  the bed are DARIA, the sheet covering her breasts in a ladylike fashion,
  and JON, a trace of beard stubble and a muscular chest giving his boyish
  good looks a more manly appearance. JON's hat is off. His hair is bushy like
  that of Wolverine from the "X-Men", and the same shade of brown as DARIA's.
  Both are naked and engaged in quiet after-love talk; neither has their glassses
  on. Their clothes, forgotten, litter the floor near the bed. Nearby are seated
  BUDDY, BRANDY, and PUNKIN, who have been watching their master with rapt
  attention--maybe learning a trick or two. The BG MUSIC comes from JON's stereo,
  which is playing Dylan, either "Just Like A Woman", "Brownsville Girl", or
  "Desolation Row", softly.)
  

  DARIA (soft, rather amorously): Are you sure your folks won't come in and
  catch us?
  

  JON: Don't worry. Dad's probably nodded off on the couch watching TV in his
  underwear again, and Mom's been in bed for hours. I just thank God you're
  not a screamer.
  

  (DARIA snorts, trying not to smile, and pokes JON playfully in the bicep.
  He chuckles.)
  

  DARIA: Let's just hope BEN and TIM don't barge in on us.
  

  JON: BEN I won't worry about--I can bribe him to shut up. For a little extra,
  he'll beat TIM into silence for me too.
  

  DARIA: Sounds like my sister. She's always threatening to rat on me--but
  she doesn't. It's like two major superpowers stockpiling chemical weapons.
  I have enough on her to start a nuclear winter.
  

  JON: I think my mom would understand if I told her about...about us. My dad's
  a bit more old-fashioned...but I don't know whaty I'd do if I lost him. I'll
  be off to college soon, you know...and I'd worry about Mom and the boys
  if...if...you know...and they were all alone. (sighs deeply)
  

  DARIA: Do you fear death?
  

  JON: For me, or for those I care about?
  

  DARIA: Either way.
  

  JON: Yeas. To both. I don't want to lose anyone...and if they lost me...well,
  I'd be past caring, but still...(sighs again)
  

  DARIA: I understand. You don't want to hurt anyone.
  

  JON: Every time I go out there on the street, I know it could be my last.
  Could be a war in some other country, an espionage mission gone sour, or
  some nigger with a Saturday night special and enough brain cells to pull
  the trigger. I may live a thousand years or die tomorrow. My own powers could
  kill me. My blood is tainted with a chemical that gives me gifts far beyond
  those of mortal men., yet I still have human problems. Any children I have
  would be born into my damnable legacy.
  

  (At the word "children", DARIA's hand absentmindedly strokes her belly, as
  if struck with an awful thought. She speaks softly, tremulously:)
  

  Lower your voice. It carries. Someone may hear you.
  

  JON (more softly): Sorry. (falls silent)
  

  BUDDY: Heh heh heh! Way to go, JON old boy! Told'jah he was gonna mount her.
  PUNKY, you owe me twenty bones.
  

  PUNKIN: Not 'till you pay me the ten fish you owe me for Michael Jackson
  and Lisa Marie. Told you it wouldn't work out here.
  

  BRANDY (somewhat disgusted): I don't believe you're betting on when JON would
  mate with DARIA.
  

  BUDDY: Are you kidding? I got a whiff of her under the dinner table. She
  was giving off "mount me" signals left and right. I get the same thing off
  that ANGELA girl too.
  

  BRANDY: Eeewwww! Gross!
  

  BUDDY: Hey, c'mon. All females give off these signals when they want a male
  to--heh, heh. You know.
  

  BRANDY (a bit sadly): I don't. Ever since I had...the operation--
  

  PUNKIN: Wow. That's...that's crazy. I mean, c'mon. What's it like? Being--you
  know, fixed.
  

  BRANDY (bares her teeth slightly): Come closer, and I'll show you. Chomp,
  chomp.
  

  PUNKIN (gulps): Th-that's okay. THanks.
  

  BUDDY (puts his paw around BRANDY's shoulder): i'm sorry, babe. I know you're
  sensitive about what they did at the vet. But I still care for ya. More than
  ever. Your...imperfection only makes you more beautiful to me. (leans in
  and licks BRANDY on the side of her muzzle. BRANDY smiles and thumps her
  tail on the floor, obviously aroused.)
  

  DARIA (notices): Oh...look at that!
  

  JON (absentmindedly notices): Yeah. I've had those two for years, and sometimes
  I get the feeling--the goddamndest feeling--that they're in love. They're
  so much like us humans, it's scary. I mean, to think they're almost human.
  Taht they're able to be in love, to care for each other. Like-- (he pauses)--
  people.
  

  DARIA: Like you and ANGELA?
  

  JON: Damn. It's like you read my mind. Like you're right inside of me.
  

  DARIA: I've got a little bit of you inside me, if you want to know the
  truth...and I feel a little closer to you. I do care about you.
  

  JON: But do you love me?
  

  DARIA: Do you love HER?
  

  JON (heavy sigh): I--don't really know.
  

  DARIA (thinks of Trent): I--don't either.
  

  (Then camera pulls back for an overhead shot. DARIA and JON sit up silently
  in bed while the BG music swells. BUDDY is licking BRANDY's face and throat;
  she raises her head, enthralled. PUNKIN grooms himself lazily. BG music sweels
  as scene fades out.)
  

  [la la la la la....la la la la la....]
  

  PRINCIPAL VOICE CAST:
  

  DR. BELCH......................Jon, Buddy, Punkin
  

  ALLISON COURT.............................Brandy
  

  TRACY GRANDSTAFF...........................Daria








********** Part 10 **********

  

  [After the subterranean battle between JON's forces and DEMI-JON's forces
  for control of the planet, DARIA and JON were forced to confront their true
  feelings for one another...and for the ones they left behind waiting for
  them. They spend a night together, making love and talking about life, death,
  and their true feelings. Even BUDDY and BRANDY are swept away by that good-time
  lovin' feeling. But now the afterglow has faded, and JON must face the toughest
  battle of his life...telling ANGELA his true feelings.]
  

  (The scene opens on a warm, lazy Sunday afternoon. Spring break is over.
  The DARIITES and the BELCH DIMENSION PLAYERS are loaded--crammed may be a
  better word for it--into the Crook Buster. Behind the van is a tow truck,
  hauling the defunct Tank along the intersstate. Everyone cheers as a roadsign
  reading WELCOME TO LAWNDALE, HOME OF THE LAWNDALE LIONS comes into view in
  the windshield. The whole gang is here to see DARIA and JANE off. JOSH is
  driving; JON navigates from the front seat, looking at a large unfolded road
  map. BUDDY sits sleeping in his lap. DARIA, her face wearing a reserved yet
  pleasant smile, sits behind JON, holding BRANDY in her lap. ANGELA is seated
  in the seat to her left, hoilding PUNKIN and stroking him. The look on her
  face is a mixture of anger, hurt, and misery. JANE is semi-dozing on the
  floor in the back of the van, next to the girls' bags, using her jacket as
  a pillow. BEN and TIM and BILLY are back there with her; BEN is dipping into
  the munchies, BILLY is dozing, TIM is playing with his lighter again by flicking
  it and holding his hand over the flame. MOLINA is meditating quietly in the
  corner.)
  

  (DARIA's smile fades as she looks over at ANGELA's sullen countenance and
  the rapid, hard strokes she is giving PUNKIN. Her lips seem to be moving
  in silent denounciations of DARIA; perhaps DARIA wonders if she knows what
  she and JON did last night. The camera moves in a DARIA P.O.V. shot from
  ANGELA to the back of JON's head, then back to ANGELA. BG MUSIC--Bob Dylan's
  "Is Your Love in Vain?" swells slowly as the camera moves in for a tight,
  slow close-up of ANGELA in a three-quarter right profile. It fades just before
  the boys' horseplay scene.)
  

  (The silence is broken by BEN, TIM, and BILLY, who are up to no good, as
  usual. BEN has just shoved three sulfur-headed matches into the toe of BILLY's
  shoe, and TIM has lit them with his lighter. BEN nudges JANE awake so she
  can watch; she looks and claps a hand over her mouth to stifle a laugh. BILLY's
  eyes pop open wide, and he leaps to his feet, cracking his head on the ceiling
  ov the van with a painful thud. Holding his head with one hand, he stomps
  the flames out on the floor, whining strangled curses at BEN, TIM, and JANE,
  who are holding their bellies in conniption fits of laughter. Evn MOLINA
  has to meditate even harder so as not to break her concentration by laughing.)
  

  JOSH (looking in rear-view mirror): Oh, s---.
  

  JON (turning around in his seat): Goddammit, TIM! Get rid of that lighter
  before I ram it so far up your ass you'll taste lighter fluid when you belch!
  

  TIM: s---, sorry. (puts lighter back in his pocket)
  

  JANE (settling back, folding arms behind head): The Gupty kids they ain't--eh
  DARIA?
  

  DARIA (shaking head): Nope. More like those two fellas back in Highland--remember
  that story, boys? (reuns finger across base of throat with a "scritch" sound.
  BEN and TIM fall silent; BILLY goes back to nursing his sore foot.)
  

  JON: You got a way with kids, girl.
  

  DARIA (smirking): Just ask Mr. and Mrs. Gupty.
  

  JOSH (sotto voce, to JON): Who?
  

  JON (sotto voce in return): Long story. Tell you later.
  

  (DARIA returns her attention to ANGELA, who is really giving DARIA's fur
  a workout. PUNKIN finally has enough and leaps out of ANGELA's lap, settling
  down on the floor between the seats. ANGELA turns her head to look out the
  window. DARIA tries to speak to her, but decides not ot bother. Cut to overhead
  view of the Crook Buster and the tow truck along the interstate. Fade out.)
  

  (Fade back in to a shot of the MORGANDORFFER house and driveway. The Crook
  Buster pulls into the carport and promptly hits HELEN's car, knocking off
  and twisting the rear bumper.)
  

  (voice of JOSH superimposed over shot of the van and the car):
  

  Goddammit!
  

  (DARIA and JANE collect their luggage--several small, military-type duffle
  bags--as JOSH slides open the door for them. They exit the van, and after
  a moment, JON and JOSH join them. JANE goes over to the tow truck and talks
  to the driver.)
  

  JANE: Just deliver the old girl to this address (handing the driver a piece
  of paper)...and leave this under the windshield wipers (handing him a second
  piece)...and, yo, here's a little something for your trouble (slips him a
  buck).
  

  (DARIAand JON rhubarb--a term used in the theater for low, unintelligible
  chatter--at the end of the driveway as ANGELA sits glowering at them through
  the windshield. "Is Your Love in Vain?" swells up in the BG as the camera
  pulls away from DARIA and JON to capture ANGELA's P.O.V., then show the side
  of her face, hidden in shadows, on the right side of the screen. MOLINA gets
  up from her seat in the rear and takes the seat vacated by DARIA. She puts
  a hand on ANGELA's knee and speaks.)
  

  MOLINA: I've been watching you from back there...
  

  ANGELA (irritated): And--?
  

  MOLINA: ...and I can tell that your angry. I see it in your aura...shades
  of red and black. I know about JON and DARIA...that she has given him her
  body...
  

  (ANGELA's head snaps around to face MOLINA; her eyes are blue fire. Her voice
  is a choked, growling sob): That little BITCH!!
  

  MOLINA (hurriedly finishing): --her body--yes--but not her soul. Another
  man--listen to me--another man has that. She is tied with his spirit on the
  ethereal plane. When a man and a woman have...relations...but do not give
  themselves totally to each other, the taint of the aura of each partner lies
  upon the other like scum on a still lake...and, like a patch of algae, will
  fade...
  

  ANGELA (hissing with fury): I don't give a damn what JON and that...that
  little hussy did. I wouldn't care if they...went at it all night--if she
  dropped to her knees and gave him a b.j.!
  

  TIM (to BEN): What's a b.j.?
  

  BEN: Urrgghha! Growllrrggharowrrowrr (eep) (sputt)!
  

  TIM: Ee-ee-eeyeww!! That's nasty!
  

  ANGELA (close to tears): I--just--don't--care.
  

  MOLINA (putting a hand on her shoulder): You don't mean that. His aura may
  bear her taint, and hers his, but your two auras (fixes ANGELA with a deep
  gaze) are forever intertwined...like the waters of two streams flowing together
  into a a great surging river .I can see it when you two are together. You
  two have a destiny. One aura...one soul...one heart that beats together with
  two motions. Do you understand?
  

  ANGELA (sniffs, wipes her eyes with the back of her hand): I--I think I do.
  Yes. (smiles weakly)
  

  (Cut to shot of JON and DARIA rhubarbing; dub in dialogue. The coversation
  is winding to a close.)
  

  DARIA: ...and remember what I said about last night?
  

  JON: For all practical purposes, it never happened.
  

  DARIA: Right. You go your way, and I'll go mine.
  

  JON (smiles): Bob Dylan, "Blonde on Blonde", 1966.
  

  DARIA (smiles also) You and your Dylan. I'll always (pauses, picks her next
  word carefully) care about you, JON. Never forget that.
  

  JON: We'll always have Jigaboo Junction.
  

  DARIA (smiles a little more puckishly): You can keep it. That's your world,
  not mine.
  

  JON: I will...always. (reaches out and shakes DARIA's hand. There is a brief,
  clumsy embrace. DARIA leaves JON's strong arms and walks slowly up the sidewalk
  to the door of her house. The last verse of Dylan's "You're a Big Girl Now"
  swells in the BG as she reaches her door, grasps the knob, and turns it.
  She casts a wistful look back, and a P.O.V. shot shows us JON standing at
  the end of the driveway, head down, looking small, frail, and sad. Camera
  focuses back on DARIA, hand still on knob. She opens the door and enters,
  then shuts it behind her. The BG music fades to nothing. DARIA is out of
  JON's life now. He glances back at JANE, who is still talking to the tow
  truck guy, and at JOSH, who stands with his back to him as he watches her.
  Then JON gazes at the van. He knows his duty. He does a John Wayne-type walk
  over to the Crook Buster, leans into the passenger's side window, pats BUDDY's
  head, and calls ANGELA's name. She looks at him, eyes wet. She walks out
  the open sliding door of the van and stands in front of JON, trying to look
  stern as she gazes into his eyes with her hands on her hips, but her eyelids
  are damp and quivering and give her away.)
  

  JON: I--I don't know what to say.
  

  ANGELA: Don't say anything. I know you were with her last night.
  

  JON (draws in breath with a sharp hiss): And...you're okay with that?
  

  ANGELA:I...wasn't at first. But I just has a talk with MOLINA...and she told
  me about...about us...how our auras are joined, and our...(her voice cracks
  a bit)...our destiny. (sniffling) DARIA gave you her body, but only I can
  give you my soul. And once you and I truly become one...then I can give myself
  to you...completely. Body AND soul. Do you understand me?
  

  JON: Yes. I...I do.
  

  ANGELA: That's good. Because I don't understand me. (leans in closer) Are...are
  our feeliings real, or just something born out of heat and stress and battle
  fatigue? I have to know.
  

  JON (leans in closer. Dylan's "True Love Tends to Forget" starts to swell
  in the BG as the camera pulls in for a tight closeup on the two lovers):
  Let my lips tell thee, querida.
  

  (JON kisses ANGELA passionately--even more than he did DARIA--as the BG music
  swells to a crecendo. The camera pulls back to capture the full effect in
  a complete 360-degree shot, revolving slowly around them. The other WARRIORS
  crowd at the windows of the van to watch. JOSH turns his head and gives JON
  a thumbs-up salute. JANE smiles self-satisfiedly. BUDDY and BRANDY stand
  up on their hind legs on JON's seat, paws on the window, watching.)
  

  BUDDY: Now THAT's entertainment!
  

  BRANDY: They're so much like us dogs, it's scary.
  

  PUNKIN (pushing his way between the two): Yeah. I mean, c'mon. Love is crazy
  here.
  

  BEN: Urrggh-aarggahurrghh (hic) (sputt)!
  

  TIM: I though her monm wouldn't let her have a pet. How do you know she's
  got a nice beaver she's gonna let JON touch?
  

  (BEN chuckles a low throaty laugh. BILLY joins in. TIM does too, although
  he doesn't know why.)
  

  MOLINA (softly): You go, girl. (She seems to squint against the invisible
  light eminating from JON and ANGELA, twin auras shining like a pair of suns.)
  

  (The longest cinematic kiss on record is about two and a half minutes--and
  JON and ANGELA have gone at leeast a minute longer than that. The BG music
  fades and vanishes as their lips part, almost painfully. Both seem to have
  a touch orf regret in their eyes. They smile, not speaking, and link hands
  as they return to the van. The watching heads quickly scuttle back to their
  seats.)
  

  JOSH (sighs) JANEY, doll, I gotta split. It was a blast...having you with
  us.
  

  JANE: Yeah. Beats the s--- out of spending spring break up in my room gluing
  glass beads to household appliances with a hot glue gun.
  

  JOSH: Yeah. Or pissing away time in my lab rigging the toaster to blow up
  and take out half the downtown area with it.
  

  JANE: 'Sbeen a slice. (Shakes JOSH's hand, then seems to reconsider.) Oh...what
  the hell. (Grabs JOSH and kisses him so hard on the mouth that his eardrums
  damn near pop. Then she pulls away from him, walks away, half-turns, waves
  back, and continues walking ahead. P.O.V. shot of JOSH watching her walk
  down the driveway, turn onto the sidewalk, and disappear behind a tall hedge.
  Then she is out of his life for good.)
  

  JOSH (slightly amazed, rubs sides of mouth with thumb and forefinger ): God-DAMN.
  (grins and shakes head, then returns to his van. He enters it, guns the motor
  and pulls out of the driveway --flattening the MORGANDORFFERS' garbage cans
  under the back wheels on the way--and drives off and out of the scene. The
  front window curtains are parted slightly to reveal the white reflections
  of twin lenses, then the curtains close shut.)
  

  (DISSOLVE to final scene, evening in the MORGANDORFFER kitchen. DARIA, QUINN,
  HELEN, and JAKE are in their accustomed places around the table. JAKE, oblivious
  as usual, peruses the newpaper in a loosely-tied tie and a short-sleeved
  shirt. HELEN wears a summery T-shirt with cut-offs. QUINN is in her usual
  bell-bottoms and happy face baby tee; DARIA is dressed impeccably as always.
  Dinner is--I'll give you three guesses, and the first two don't count.)
  

  QUINN (chattering away insipidly): --so, like, once the Fashion Club and
  I hit every store on the island, from Manhattan to Queens to Brooklyn and
  even the cute little gift shop on Ellis Island, a couple of the girls wanted
  to take the Staten Island ferry uip to Jersey. And I'm like (gasps in a flouncy
  Alicia Silverstone-ish way) as if! I mean, Jersey! The crap capital of the
  United States! Like, even their cows are ugly!
  

  DARIA: Funny. I figured if anyone could pull off the leather look, it'd be
  a cow.
  

  QUINN (casting a withering, pouty look at DARIA): So just what did YOU do
  all week, braniac?
  

  DARIA (picks up a section of JAKE's newspaper and absorbs herself in it.
  On the back flap of the paper is an "SSW" advertisement): I'd--rather not
  discuss it.
  

  HELEN (in her usual sickeningly-sweet tone of voice): Oh, come on,
  

  DARIA. Your father and I want to hear all about your vaccation. Don't we,
  JAKE?
  

  (JAKE is silently absorbed i nthe financial section.)
  

  HELEN (loudly): JAKE!! (smacks the paper down)
  

  JAKE (confused): Huh? What? Oh! Ha ha ha!! So what did you girls do over
  spring vacation, huh? Heh heh heh (weak laugh trails off at HELEN's glower)
  

  HELEN: You are so clueless.
  

  JAKE: Yes. Yes, I am. (looks at DARIA) So! You go first, kiddo. What did
  you do this week?
  

  DARIA (sighs, puts down paper): JANE and I took Trent's friend's van on a
  trip to Athens, Georgia to see his band play. But we never got there. (camera
  pulls in closer as DARIA's spiel continues) We broke down in some crappy
  little mostly-black town in the South, where we met up with a guy in a cape,
  his drooling humanoid brother, his other brother the pyromaniac, his
  potty-mouthed racist inventor friend, his jealous girlfriend, the inventor's
  accident-prone kid brother, and a psychic empath who told me I had a nice
  aura. I met his folks and had a really freaky dinner at his house where I
  learned more about the town's black problem than I EVER wanted to know, spent
  the night sleeping in his treehouse, rescued JANE after she got kidnapped
  by the caped guy's evil twin, who has a bunch of black goons working for
  him and a girlfriend named after a motorcycle who made QUINN here look like
  a rocket scientist and who wanted to get a sample of my blood for his genetic
  experiments, saved the whole world from a gang of blacks and a thousand evil
  clones of me, and topped it all off with a night of mad passionate lovemaking
  with the guy in the cape. You? (The whole speech is delivered in her customary
  monotone. She then looks around. The MORGANDORFFERS are only half-listening
  to her, as usual. QUINN is sdrinking a glass of milk, HELEN is eating her
  dinner, and JAKE is buried in his newspaper agian. A fter a painful silence,
  they speak.)
  

  QUINN (very Alicia Silverstone): What-EVER.
  

  HELEN (syrupy sweet yet insincere): That's nice, dear.
  

  JAKE (oblivious): Way to go, kiddo!
  

  DARIA: Oh...one more thing. My new friends gave me a ride back home...and
  they accidentally knocked the bumper off Mom's car.
  

  HELEN (gasps): What? My car??
  

  JAKE: Goddammit, DARIA! Your mother's CAR???
  

  HELEN: JAKE, honey, your blood pressure--
  

  JAKE: That's IT, DARIA! You're grounded for a MONTH!
  

  (DARIA rests her head on her hand and heaves a world-weary sigh.)
  

  [cue end title sequence music--perhaps a nice Dylan piece--and go to half-screen.
  Roll alter-ego pics. Roll closing credits.]
  

  PRINCIPAL VOICE TALENT:
  

  DR. BELCH................Jon, Ben, Buddy, Punkin
  

  ALLISON COURT.............................Brandy
  

  TRACY GRANDSTAFF...........................Daria
  

  WENDY HOOPES..................Jane, Helen, Quinn
  

  ?...........................................Jake
  

  LINDA LARKIN..............................Angela
  

  [this part available]......................Billy
  

  [this part available].....................Joshua
  

  [this part available]......................Molina
  

  [this part available].....................Timothy