Andrea Speaks!
"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is
*not* an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could
write.
Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material
for
fanfics....
This is the fifth fic in my chronology, and the first *true* follow-up
to
"Rose-Colored Lenses." It follows 1) "Rose-Colored Lenses," 2) "The
Tie
That Chokes," 3) "That Thing You Say," and 4) "'Shipped Out."
I'd give this fic a 2S, maybe even a 2.5S. *Gasp*, I thought nothing
could
be longer than "The Tie That Chokes," but I was wrong!
I tried to keep it short... I really tried............ Enjoy!
Ten Spot Promo: The woman's being chased by some guy in a car. She
runs
into a forest, falls down near a tape player, and turns it on. Then
she
gets up and runs away. Weird... and in some way, strangely reminiscent
of
"Austin Powers." Least *I* think so...
[intro theme music...................]
ANDREA SPEAKS! -- by Kara Wild
ACT ONE
SCENE 1 (DeMartino's classroom)
(Shot of him standing in front of the class, lecturing. Among the
students, we see Kevin, Brittany, and Andrea seated in the front row,
and
Daria and Jane seated in their usual spot in the second row, off to the
side.)
DeMARTINO: (eye bulging, as always) President KENNEDY and President
REAGAN
were two of the most POPular leaders of this CENTURY. (Bt) *Class*,
do
you know what they had in COMMON to make them so??
(Beat. Brittany raises her hand.)
DeMARTINO: *Brittany*??
(Brittany twirls a lock of hair, wears a typically vacant expression.)
BRITTANY: Um... they both had really good hair?
(Pause)
DeMARTINO: (looking like he's trying to make a useful point from this)
*Brittany*, you may have *actually* stumbled ON to something. (Bt)
APPEARANCE made a difference. (Bt) Would anyone *else* care to
eLABorate
on what she *said*??
(Pause. No one volunteers except Kevin, whose waving hand DeMartino
ignores. He glances briefly at Andrea, but sees she's not about to
respond. Finally his eyes travel over to Our Heroine.)
DeMARTINO: *Daria*! Why don't YOU *enlighten* us??
(Beat. Daria sighs. Starts to speak: )
DARIA: They were both -- (interrupted by a voice offscreen: )
MS LI: *Class*! I have a veeeeeery important announcement!
(Jane leans toward Daria.)
JANE: (hushed) Saved by the shrill.
(Daria smirks. Meanwhile, Ms. Li's walking into the room and standing
in
front. DeMartino moves to the side, looking ticked-off at being
interrupted.)
MS LI: *I* wanted to inform you --
(She stops abruptly as she and we see Andrea get up and walk out of the
room without so much as acknowledging her.)
DARIA: (to Jane) Damn. She just stole my Plan B.
(Jane smirks in agreement. Ms. Li looks flustered and vaguely outraged
.)
MS LI: Well I *never* -- of *all* the rude... (turns to DeMartino.
accusing tone) *Mr. DeMartino*, is *this* the way you conduct
discipline
in your class on ciiiiiiiiivic behavior??
DeMARTINO: (through gritted teeth) I'll destroy her when you're
*through*,
Ms. Li. (Bt) PLEASE, continue.
MS LI: Very well. (Bt) Students, I'm hear to remiiiiiiiiind you that
today is the *due* date for all clubs at Laaaaaaaaaawndale High to turn
in
their charters. (Bt) In fact, while I'm here, let me just take a
*few*
minutes to enlighten you on the *importance* of student
*participation*....
(Her voice fades into the background. Meanwhile, DeMartino's gritting
his
teeth so hard, they look like they might shatter. Jane leans toward
Daria
again.)
JANE: She couldn't've just made this announcement over the P.A.
instead of
walking into each and every classroom to give the same speech?
MS LI: *Ms.* Lane!
DARIA: (to Jane) Busted.
(Jane rolls her eyes as Ms. Li comes over and stands in front of her
and
Daria.)
MS LI: Are you making a *mockery* of the way I conduct buuuuusiness at
this school??
JANE: Of course *not*. (Bt. shrugs) Well, no more than usual.
(Daria can't conceal a slight chuckle. Ms. Li picks up on it, glares
at
her and Jane.)
MS LI: (to Jane) Perhaps you and Ms. *Morgendorffer* aren't aware that
I
make my rounds to keep an eye on callous, trouble-making *delinquents*
who
pose a threat to the sanctity of this *illustrious* institution.
(Beat. Jane and Daria exchange unfazed "Whatever" glances.)
MS LI: (continuing) Which brings me back to clubs. Clubs are an
*important* means of instilling feelings of pride and commitment to
your
school. (Bt. looks at Daria) Ms. *Morgendorffer*.
(Daria cocks a wary eyelid.)
MS LI: (continuing) A young lady with as much brains and talent as
yourself ought to be the *beacon* of this establishment. Instead --
DARIA: (deadpan) I'm on a road straight to hell.
JANE: And there's *no* going back.
(Beat. Ms. Li glowers at them.)
MS LI: You two think you're very *funny*, don't you?? (Bt. ominous)
But
bewaaaaaare of what you say. (to Daria) Especially *you*.
DARIA: (deadpan) Oh I will, ma' am. And your inspiring words have
given
me much to think about. Which I'll be happy to do in the bathroom.
(starts to stand up)
MS LI: You plan to leave *now*??!
DARIA: (pausing) Would you rather I hold it in?
JANE: (to Ms. Li) I wouldn't risk it if I were you.
(Beat. Ms. Li rolls her eyes and purses her lips together.)
MS LI: *Very* well. (Bt. turns to DeMartino) But if she comes back
with
any *powdery* substances on her person, march her *straight* to my
office.
DeMARTINO: (glowering) *Yes*, ma'am.
(Ms. Li turns back to face the class. Spies Brittany.)
MS LI: (dripping with pride) Ahhh, I see we have Laaaaawndale's *head*
cheerleader seated before us. (Bt) Ms. *Taylor*, why don't you
enliiiiiiiighten the students about the benefits of *cheerleading*...?
(Her voice fades into the background. Daria smirks at Jane and walks
toward the door.)
JANE: (wry whisper) *Damn* you!
(Daria leaves.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (the bathroom)
(Shot of the door and the stalls. Daria opens the door and walks in.
Immediately she's stricken by the acrid smell of smoke coming from the
middle stall, which causes her to freeze and wrinkle her nose. She
coughs
a couple of times, then waves a hand rapidly to disperse the odor.
Finally
she makes her way past the stalls, shaking her head in a"Let me
*guess*"
manner.)
(Cut to shot of the mirror and sinks. Daria walks up to one of the
sinks,
stands before it. She does nothing for several seconds, then finally
checks her watch. She doesn't *really* have to use the bathroom -- it
was
just an excuse, and now she's wondering how long she should stall. She
eventually reaches over and turns on a faucet in the sink. Washes her
hands.)
(During this time, we hear the faint sound of a stall door opening and
closing. Daria finishes washing her hands, pauses, and then decides to
wash her face. cut to close-up of Daria. She removes her glasses,
leans
over and splashes some water on her face. Reaches for a paper towel,
wipes
her face dry. Puts on her glasses, then cringes with surprise. resume
wide shot. We see Andrea standing behind her, leaning against the
wall.
Every so often, she lifts a cigarette to her mouth and takes a puff.
She's
staring at Daria. Meanwhile, Daria is staring into the mirror back at
her,
trying not to seem too unnerved.)
DARIA: Um... hi.
(long Pause)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) Oops -- I've said too much.
(She glances at Andrea, waiting for a response. When she doesn't get
any,
so as not to seem like she's been frightened off, Daria decides to wash
her
hands *again*. As she does so, she keeps glancing through the mirror
at
Andrea, who's *still* staring at her. Finally Daria dries off her
hands on
her jacket and turns to leave.)
DARIA: Um... the sink's all yours.
(long Pause. Then Andrea shrugs a shoulder. Daria heads toward the
door,
a puzzled look on her face.)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) Nice talking to *you*, too.
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (Quinn's math class, a short time later that day)
(We hear Ms. Li's offscreen voice-over. Close-up shot of Quinn sitting
at
her desk. Her head is balanced on one hand, and she's rolling her
eyes,
looking supremely bored. cut to wide shot. Quinn is sitting toward
the
front of the room, while Stacy sits not too far behind her, and Sandi
and
Tiffany sit in the back. [They're all together -- how convenient.]
Meanwhile, Ms. Li's wrapping up a drawn-out lecture about clubs. Mr.
Phelps, Quinn's balding, fifty-something year-old teacher, stands off
to
one side. He looks resigned and impatient, and now and then checks his
watch. Suddenly we hear the bell ring.)
MS LI: Oh goodness! (glances at the clock) I'm sorry, students -- I
have
to go. I have many, *many* more classes to inter-- I mean *visit*.
Carry
on. (leaves quickly)
PHELPS: Yes, thank you, Ms. Li. (wipes his forehead. turns to the
class.) Class, before you go, please wait until I've passed back your
tests.
(Quinn rolls her eyes.)
QUINN: *Great*. (Pause. sees Stacy approaching her.) God, I thought
she'd *never* shut up.
STACY: (subservient as always) Me neither. But at least we got to
skip
the entire lesson.
(Quinn stands up, takes her backpack.)
QUINN: (blase´) *Hmph*, yeah.
STACY: I just flipped through a magazine while she was talking. What
d'
you do?
QUINN: (exasperated) I couldn't do *anything*! I was too *close*.
STACY: (nodding) Yeah. (Bt. sympathetic) It's too bad you're stuck
up
front. But maybe now that Louise is no longer here to give fashion
tips
to, Mr. Phelps'll let you move to the back again.
(Beat. Quinn suddenly looks unnerved at the thought.)
QUINN: Oh, well, um *yes*, maybe he *will*, but...
(Just then, Phelps comes by and hands Stacy and Quinn back their
tests.)
PHELPS: Nice job, Ms. Morgendorffer. (leaves)
(Beat)
QUINN: Huh? (looks at the test)
(Stacy quickly hides her test and also looks at Quinn's. Her face
brightens.)
STACY: Wow, Quinn! You got a ninty-six!
QUINN: *Agh*!
(She drops the paper as if it were laced with poison. Then she quickly
kneels down, picks it up, and shoves it into her backpack. Stands up
and
looks around frantically, hoping no one else overheard what Phelps
said.
Unfortunately, Sandi and Tiffany are approaching, Sandi smirking
wickedly.)
QUINN: (weakly) It was just luck. I copied off a *really* smart nerd
that
day.
SANDI: You sure *you're* not the nerd, Quinn? Why *else* would you
sit at
the front of the room??
(Quinn chuckles nervously.)
QUINN: (trying to make light of it) *Sandi*, haven't I explained it to
you
before?? I *sacrificed* my place in the back to help the *less*
fortunate.
(Bt. voice rises, takes on a faux noble tone) And even though Louise
is
*gone*, there are still so many, many I can reach out to.
STACY: (idolizing) You're so giving, Quinn.
QUINN: (smirking) Thanks.
(Beat. Sandi looks pouty -- she doesn't like in when Quinn receives
compliments.)
SANDI: (haughty. faux noble) Gee, if *Quinn's* such a good *fashion*
advisor, maybe *she* should be president of the Fashion Club.
QUINN: (flinging a hand at her. faux humble) Oh *no*, Sandi, I could
never take *your* place. Perish the thought. (Bt) Now let's get out
of
here -- this room gives me the creeps.
(They leave. cut to shot of the door as seen from the hallway. All of
the
F.C.'s walk through into the hall. Sandi hesitates a little. We see
she's
holding a cream-colored sheet of paper.)
SANDI: You guys go. I'll catch up with you later.
TIFFANY & STACY: Why? / Where're you going?
(Quinn looks at the paper.)
QUINN: What is *that*?
SANDI: (trying to act non-chalant) Oh, it's just our club *charter*.
I
gotta take it to the principal's office.
TIFFANY: *Cool*.
STACY: Can we *see* it??
(Sandi holds the paper close to her chest. Looks even more hesitant .)
SANDI: Oh, you wouldn't *want* to. It's kind of *boring* and legal --
(Quinn reaches over and snatches it away.)
QUINN: Here, let *me* see.
SANDI: Hey!
(Quinn skims over the paper, humming a little to herself. long Pause.
Stacy and Tiffany glances at Sandi, bewildered. Sandi looks irritated
and
impatient. Finally Quinn raises her head, smirks with satisfaction.)
QUINN: Hmm, it says *here* that the Fashion Club is s'posed to hold
anual
*elections*.
(Pause. Now Stacy and Tiffany looks at Sandi with expressions of
shock.)
STACY: *Elections*??
TIFFANY: (slightly peeved) You *said* officers were chosen based on
the
will of the *president*.
SANDI: (uneasy. trying to make excuses) Oh, well, um, that was under
the
*old* charter.
(Beat. Quinn's smirk has grown wicked and calculating.)
QUINN: Well now that we have a *new* charter, maybe we ought to, like,
*observe* the new rules.
SANDI: (vague outrage) You mean *hold* elections??
QUINN: (faux non-chalant) Yeah. I mean, unless *you* don't want to,
Sandi.
SANDI: (ticked) *Why* should I not *want* to??
QUINN: Oh. No reason. (eyes trail away)
(Pause)
SANDI: Are you *saying* I'm afraid I won't get elected *president*??
QUINN: (faux innocent) Did I *sound* like I said that, Sandi?
(Sandi doesn't answer, but instead gets in Quinn's face. Quinn glares
back
at her.)
SANDI: (through gritted teeth) *Very* well: we'll hold *elections*.
And
just to show how *not* worried I am, I'll *even* let you run *against*
me.
How does *that* sound??
QUINN: (also through gritted teeth) *Great*. We'll probably all elect
each other to the same offices, anyway.
(They continue to glare at each other like predators. Stacy and
Tiffany
exchange "This could be *good*" glances.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (Daria and Jane's lockers)
(Shot of Daria leaning against hers, while Jane fiddles around in
hers.)
DARIA: I'm still a little creeped-out.
(Jane shuts her locker.)
JANE: Don't be --you just had an "Andrea encounter," that's all.
(Beat. Daria looks at her, stunned.)
DARIA: There's a *term* for it??
(Jane shrugs.)
JANE: Sort of. (Bt) It happens every so often, like blue moons or
crop
circles. Happened to me in fifth grade.
DARIA: Why? What d' you *do* to her?
JANE: Dunno. Maybe asked to borrow her pencil. (Bt) What d' *you*
do?
(Daria shakes her head.)
DARIA: *Nothing*. We never talk. (Pause. frowns, remembering.)
Although there *was* that time we exchanged glasses.
[*] see "Rose-Colored Lenses"
JANE: Maybe she thinks it's brought you closer together.
(Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid, annoyed.)
JANE: Hey, it's *Andrea* we're talking about!
(Beat)
DARIA: True. (Bt. thoughtful) It's kind of funny we know nothing
about her.
JANE: *No* one knows anything about Andrea. She's totally closed off
in
her sadistic little world.
(Pause. Daria glances at Jane, a bit surprised she'd use a strong word
like "sadistic" about someone they don't know, even playfully.)
DARIA: Aren't you even a little *curious*?
(Jane shrugs.)
JANE: Maybe once I was. But I've learned to let go.
DARIA: I don't know... I'd kind of like to talk with her sometime.
Maybe
about poetry -- she writes some pretty intense, dark stuff.
(Jane smirks wickedly.)
JANE: Ah yes, I can see it now: Daria and Andrea, two *fiendish*
minds
coming together to create the most twisted, socially anarchistic poetry
mankind has ever known.
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: (peevish) I just want to *talk* with her -- not subvert the
world
order.
JANE: Not yet, anyway.
(Pause. Daria glares at her.)
JANE: *What*??
(Daria shakes her head, directs her eyes offscreen. Suddenly she sees
something and cringes. cut to her POV: Andrea's standing a distance
away,
in the middle of the hall, staring *right* at her. She then slowly
turns
and walks away. cut to close-up of Daria. She runs a hand through her
hair, rattled.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 5 (walking home)
(Shot of Daria walking home, slumped forward and lost in thought. Her
gaze
is directed downward. Suddenly she notices that her shadow seems to be
a
bit long. She shudders, and quickly turns to look behind her. There's
no
one there. Daria sighs with relief and keeps on walking. A short time
later, she notices a shadow with a spiky top coming from the side.
Looks
again, sees that it's *not* Andrea -- it's a spiky bush. Daria closes
her
eyes and groans. fade-out.)
(fade-in to: )
SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, evening)
(Shot of the outside. cut to shot of the Morgendorffers at dinner.
Quinn's in high spirits, and is telling the family, especially Helen,
about
her life's recent developments. Daria's poking at her food, looking
half-contemplative, half-annoyed at Quinn. Jake's oblivious, as usual.
Helen is listening intently to Quinn and wearing a proud "my little
protégé" expression.)
QUINN: ... So we're holding them at the end of next week so, like,
Stacy
and Tiffany can know their options. Real democratic-like.
DARIA: (deadpan) Like China.
(Helen and Quinn ignore Daria's comment. Helen is still absorbed in
what
Quinn just said.)
HELEN: So sweetie, what do you plan to *do* for this election?
(crooning)
Any campaign strategies Mom can help out with?
QUINN: Oh, that won't be nec--
HELEN: You know, I remember when *I* was running for school secretary
against that conniving *bitch*, Laura Winters --
(Quinn rolls her eyes. Daria smirks a little. Jake looks up from his
food, a bit bewildered.)
HELEN: (ranting) -- I had that *damn* election in the bag until *she*
started spreading rumors about me streaking naked through the quad.
*Dammit*, it was *one* time --!
QUINN: Mo-om!!!
JAKE: Honey, I think... (gestures at Quinn)
HELEN: Oh. (looks chastened, then cocks an annoyed eyebrow at Jake.)
(Beat)
QUINN: We're not gonna have a stupid *campaign* -- Stacy and Tiffany
already *know* who we are.
DARIA: But do they *want* to know?
QUINN: (ignoring Daria. continuing) Instead, we've decided to square
off
in a forum that reflects our true abilities.
DARIA: You mean pull some sucker off the street and see who can give
her
the better makeover?
QUINN: (rolling her eyes) *Puh-leeese*! If Sandi and I didn't have
impeccable fashion sense, we wouldn't be *in* the Fashion Club. (Bt)
I'm
talking *leadership* abilities, Daria! Deep stuff.
DARIA: Ooh, I get it. Pass this girl the Nobel Peace Prize.
(Beat. This time Helen looks at Daria with a slightly peevish
expression.
Turns to Quinn.)
HELEN: Well, Quinn, I think it's *fabulous* to see you so involved in
your
club. (looks at Daria) You know, Daria, it wouldn't hurt *you* to get
more involved --
DARIA: (rolling her eyes) Are we *having* this conversation?
HELEN: Now come *on*, I'm sure there are *plenty* of --
DARIA: Because if so, I think my time could be better spent elsewhere.
Like up in my room.
(Helen groans.)
HELEN: All *right*, all right.
(Beat)
QUINN: (peevish) Don't feel *too* bad, Mom. (Bt) It would take a
*bomb*
blast in her room to get *Loser-girl* out in public.
HELEN & JAKE: (warning) *Quinn*.
QUINN: (ignoring them. to Daria) You're always sitting around, all
*mopey* with your head in a dumb book. Why d'you have to *be* like
that??
DARIA: Yes, why? When I could be a pampered socialite whose life is a
sham.
QUINN: (frowning) What're you *talking* about??
DARIA: You know. (cocks an eyelid)
(Pause. For a moment the animation drains from Quinn's face. Then she
frowns defiantly. Meanwhile, Helen and Jake are glancing at each
other,
seeing that the conversation is getting slightly out of hand.)
HELEN: (pacifying) Now, Quinn, you're sister is *not* a loser just
because
she chooses to avoid school activities. (Bt. looks at Daria) I'm
sure
she has *plenty* going on in her life.
JAKE: Yeah, kiddo! How's your day been?
DARIA: Glad someone finally asked. (Bt) Same old, same old.
HELEN & JAKE: Oh. (the animation fades a bit from their faces)
(Beat. Daria cocks and eyelid.)
DARIA: Although there *is* this girl I want to get to know.
HELEN: (face brightening) A *girl*??
JAKE: (excited) What's her *name*??
DARIA: Andrea.
QUINN: That *freaky* girl?!
HELEN & JAKE: *Huh*?? (look at Daria)
DARIA: (to Quinn. defensive) Hey, she's no freakier than the fashion
victims you call *friends*.
(Quinn's eyes narrow.)
HELEN: (straining to sound non-chalant) Um, so who *is* this girl,
Daria?
QUINN: She belongs to a cult that *blows* up schools!
HELEN & JAKE: *What*??!!
(Daria heaves a *big* sigh.)
DARIA: *No*. She *doesn't*. (Bt) Andrea's a Goth chick, but she's
not
into that stuff. (Bt) Least I don't think....
[*] see postscript
(Beat)
HELEN: (again trying to sound non-chalant) Well, um, what does *Jane*
think of her?
(Daria shrugs.)
DARIA: She's not really Jane's type. (Bt. slightly defensive)
Besides,
why should *Jane* have to check up on the people I meet?
HELEN: Oh no, sweetie, I didn't mean it like that...
(Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: Anyway, we haven't exactly bonded over blood and gore video
games.
(Bt. thoughtful) I haven't even talked to her, yet...
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 7 (school, a few days later)
(Shot of outside. cut to close-up shot of Daria fiddling around in her
locker. As she shuts her locker door, she feels an unnerving presence.
Turns around. cut to her POV -- Andrea's standing a distance away from
her, staring. She then turns and walks away. resume close-up of Daria.
She sighs a resolute sigh and cocks an eyelid.)
(Cut to shot of Andrea pausing to pull out a cigarette. She then
reaches
into her other pocket for a lighter. We suddenly see Daria walking up
and
standing across from her.)
DARIA: Um, hi.
(Pause. Andrea looks at her with an impassive expression.)
DARIA: (uncomfortable. hesitant) I was just wondering... (Pause.
rolls
her eyes. sighs. flings her hands.) *Forget* it. Never mind.
(She turns and walks away a short distance. Pause. Andrea watches
her,
then: )
ANDREA: (quiet. expressionless) What d' you want?
(Daria stops, startled. She slowly turns around and walks back over to
her.)
DARIA: I... was... (shakes her head. spits it out.) I notice you've
been
watching me the past few days.
(Pause. Then Andrea shrugs a shoulder.)
DARIA: (uncomfortable) Um... any special reason?
(Pause. Then Andrea shrugs both shoulders.)
ANDREA: Just felt like it.
(Pause. Now Daria's blushing, she's so uncomfortable.)
DARIA: Could you be more *specific*?
(Pause)
ANDREA: It's fun.
(Pause. Now Daria is glaring.)
DARIA: *Fun*??
(Pause)
ANDREA: Yeah. (Bt) You're kind of weird.
DARIA: Hey look who's talking!
(Pause)
ANDREA: You're, like, this conformist who tries to be different.
(Pause. Daria now gazes at her, speechless. Finally she gets a hold
of
herself.)
DARIA: What d' you *mean*??
(Pause. Andrea shrugs both shoulders.)
DARIA: Hey don't give me the silent treatment!
(Beat)
ANDREA: I meant what I said.
(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: C' mon -- *conformist*?? This isn't my *sister* you're talking
to.
I'm not Quinn.
(Pause. Andrea shrugs a shoulder.)
ANDREA: She's fun to watch, too.
(Beat. Daria purses her lips together.)
DARIA: You *know* what I mean.
(Pause)
ANDREA: I don't know. You guys seem kind of alike. (Bt) I mean, if
you
didn't have her around, you'd probably be her.
(Pause. cut to close-up of Daria's face. She's so stunned, her mouth
has
dropped open.)
****************
END OF ACT ONE
[Shot of Daria standing in front of the mirror while Andrea stares at
her.]
***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt
securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials
put
on television.***
1) "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: It's Brittany versus Quinn in
the
battle of the century. Will Lawndale High ever be the same?? (sorry,
no
footage available -- damn MTV technicians!) Catch it next week on an
all-new 'Daria.'"
2) Lunchables... if you're not familiar with them, they're the
ready-made
pizzas, burgers, hotdogs, et cetera that it's *so* cool for kids to
bring
as their school lunch. Sorry, but no matted how hard I squint, I
*still*
cannot call this stuff food...
3) Another phone commercial... the long-distance variety , where the
phone
companies say "It's *easy*!" and have you dial a bunch of numbers to
save
money. Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I find those
numbers
so forbidding, I'd *rather* just pay the full fee. (My feeling's based
on
personal experience: last year, I was studying abroad in Europe, and
each
time I called home, I had to work my way through a nightmarish column
of
numbers -- oftentimes failing, and having to start over -- to make the
connection.)
***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you
survived?***
ACT TWO
SCENE 1 (Daria's dream, early morning)
(It's pitch black and silent. Suddenly we hear an echoing voice --
Andrea's.)
ANDREA: Whoooooo do you think you arrrrrrrrrrre...?
(We then see a dimly-lit figure emerge from the darkness. The figure
grows
more recognizeable as it walks forward -- it's Daria. She's waving her
arms around, trying to disperse the darkness, and looking confused.
She
looks straight ahead and suddenly her eyes widen. She gasps. cut to
her
POV: Andrea's towering overhead, staring down at Daria with scathing
eyes.)
ANDREA: You caaaaaaaaaaall yourself an *outcast*??
(Cut to shot of Daria. She starts to speak, when suddenly Brittany's
head
floats onscreen, swirls around above her.)
BRITTANY: Hey look, Kevvy! Let's say hi to *our* buddy, Daria!
[*] see "The Lost Girls"
(Daria gazes up at her, utterly shocked. Before she can recover,
Jodie's
head floats onscreen, intermingles with Brittany's.)
JODIE: Daria, could you play the cymbals in our quintet for the
Lawndale
Days festival?
[*] see C.E. Forman's "Rain on Your Parade"
DARIA: I --
(Before she can get out another word, DeMartino's head bounces
onscreen,
swirls around with the others.)
DeMARTINO: *Daria*, will you *enlighten* these two LUNKHEADS, Kevin
and
Brittany, about the history of *America*??
BRITTANY: Hey!
(Then Ms. Li's head floats onscreen. Suddenly it's getting a little
crowded -- Daria has to stoop over to avoid getting head-slammed.)
MS LI: Not so *fast*, Mr. DeMartino. Darierrrrrrrr has to practice
her
*valedictory* speech.
DeMARTINO: Oh, well --
(Then O'Neill's head shoots onscreen.)
O'NEILL: (whiny) *Please*, Daria, hide my shoddy teaching style with
your
brilliant literary insights!
(Daria is about to respond again, when all of the heads start talking
at
once, creating quite a din. Daria looks at Andrea for help. cut to
her
POV -- Andrea towering overhead.)
ANDREA: Dammit -- you're *popular*! BE GONE!!!
(Cut to close-up of Daria. She gasps. Everything goes *poof*.)
(Cut to shot of Daria in bed. She shoots upright, gasping. After
several
seconds, she finally gets a hold of herself. Frowns.)
DARIA: (resolute) All right. We *have* to talk.
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (school, later that morning)
(Shot of Daria walking down the hall with Jane. She's walking at a
brisk
pace, and Jane's struggling to keep up.)
DARIA: I've been condemned for being too alienated, and I've learned
to
accept it. (Bt) But *not* alienated enough?? That's just sick.
JANE: (pacifying) Daria, this is the *third* time we've had this
conversation, and I keep telling you -- Andrea's just *like* that.
DARIA: (sarcastic) You mean *sadistic*?
(Jane shrugs.)
JANE: Yeah. She was probably trying to get a reaction from you. Just
ignore her.
DARIA: Ignore Big Brother? (Bt) Why *should* I -- she's not ignoring
me.
(Bt) And *dammit*, why should she get to decide who's and outcast and
who
*isn't*??
(Jane rolls her eyes.)
JANE: Look, do whatever. Go tell her how you feel if it's bothering
you
so much. She's over there.
(She stops and points to a growing crowd of students a short distance
away.
Andrea's standing at the edge of it. Daria gazes over and cocks an
eyelid.)
DARIA: An onlooker at Quinn's Fashion Club debate. *Now* who's the
conformist??
(Jane rolls her eyes again.)
JANE: She probably wants to watch the carnage unfold. I'm kind of
curious, myself.
DARIA: (frowning) I can't believe the school's letting them hold this
thing during class.
JANE: Hey, fashion's important to the school. (Bt) If the students
look
good, visitors'll think we're happy. Then they'll *forget* about minor
transgressions, like budget cuts or horsemeat in the cafeteria food.
DARIA: I see. (Bt) Fashion makes the school look like it's doing
it's job.
JANE: Exactly.
(Beat)
DARIA: Look, I think I *will* have a talk with Andrea. (Bt) Where
should
we meet up?
JANE: (wicked) Wherever I'm close enough to see the blood spill.
(Daria shakes her head, walks away.)
DARIA: Spoken like a true sadist....
(Cut to shot of Andrea, doing what she was doing the first time she and
Daria spoke -- retrieving a cigarette and lighter. Daria strides up
and
stands across from her. This time, she's frowning.)
DARIA: Okay, Andrea. What's *up*?
(Pause. Andrea looks at her questioningly.)
ANDREA: Don't know. (shrugs a shoulder)
(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes, mashes her lips together. Glowers at
Andrea.)
DARIA: You do *too* know. (Bt) Remember our conversation yesterday?
(Pause)
ANDREA: Not really.
(Beat)
DARIA: C' *mon* -- that stuff you said about me being a conformist.
That
I'm like *Quinn*.
(Pause)
DARIA: (frustrated) Because you're *wrong*. You don't know anything
about me.
(Pause)
DARIA: Deep down, I'm as twisted as you are. Maybe even *more* so.
(Pause. Andrea shrugs.)
ANDREA: Okay.
(Pause. Daria waits for more of a response. When she doesn't get it,
her
irritation grows.)
DARIA: Okay, okay... or okay, you agree with me??
(Pause)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) Here's an idea: how 'bout after I stop
talking, you *start* right away.
(Andrea shrugs.)
ANDREA: The second one.
(Beat)
DARIA: Oh. Okay. (Bt) Well then, I guess that settles -- (starts to
leave. then suddenly stops. turns to Andrea again.) *Wait*, one more
thing.
(Andrea looks at her impassively.)
DARIA: I've been going to school here for over a year. And yet only
*lately* you've started watching me. Right?
(Beat. Andrea nods vaguely.)
DARIA: So how come?
(Pause)
ANDREA: I wasn't interested in you before.
(Pause. Daria gives her a pointed look that says "*continue*.")
ANDREA: You once read some cool poetry in class.
(Beat. Daria blinks, surprised.)
DARIA: The "poetry from life" stuff we did a while back?
[*] see "That Thing You Say"
(Andrea nods. Pause. Daria takes a moment to let this sink in. Then:
)
DARIA: (wry) Let me save us some time by guessing the rest. You
thought
my work was cool, and that underneath my boring façade, *I* might be
cool,
too. So you've been watching me for clues.
(Beat. Andrea nods.)
DARIA: But instead, you've just found *more* conventionality.
Correct??
(Beat. Andrea nods.)
DARIA: Well I'm *not* conventional.
(Beat. Andrea shrugs a shoulder.)
ANDREA: You've said that already.
(Beat)
DARIA: Oh. Right. (Bt) Well, um, what I mean is... I think you and
I
are a lot alike.
(Beat. Andrea looks at Daria impassively.)
DARIA: (blushing furiously) And maybe we could, um, look at each
other's
work sometime.
(Pause. Then we hear a thundering voice offscreen: )
UPCHUCK: Laaaaaaadies and gentlemen, the first anual Fashion Club
debate
is about to *begin*! So gather 'round while there's still gawking
space
*available*!!!
(Pause. Daria runs a hand through her hair, rattled. She was already
pretty on edge to start with. Andrea looks at her.)
ANDREA: My house. Today, after school. 3321 Cedar Court. Gray
shingles.
*Don't* forget. (turns and walks offscreen)
(Daria watches her go, speechless for a few seconds.)
DARIA: Um, o-kay.
(Cut to shot of a small stage, around which a crowd including almost
*all*the familiar Lawndale High students have gathered. We see the 3
J's;
Jodie and Mack; Kevin; Brittany and the other cheerleaders; Robert;
Ted;
Evan; our pal Barry from "'Shipped Out," who's passing out fliers for
his
Taxidermy society, a stuffed squirrel perched on his shoulder; Corey
and
that other guy who likes Quinn; Skylar; the "popular" girl from "The
Invitation"; Brooke, the wanna-be F.C., et cetera. Upchuck's standing
off
to one side of the stage, holding a mike and providing commentary.
Stacy
sits nearby, in one of two chairs. She shuffles through index cards.
Meanwhile, Sandi's taking her place in one of two chairs on the stage,
wearing her usual cool, haughty expression. Tiffany's with her.)
SANDI: Look -- all the people who like *Quinn* are here. (Bt) She
has a
lot of *influence* at this school, doesn't she?
TIFFANY: Yeah. (Bt) But not as much as *you*, Sandi.
(Sandi nods curtly.)
SANDI: (satisfied) Of *course* not.
(Cut to shot of the audience -- we see Jane standing toward the front.
Daria's wading through the crowd to get to her.)
JANE: (as Daria arrives) I thought only the *Fashion Club* could vote
in
this election.
DARIA: Right. But this way they make it look like they're holding it
for
the *students'* benefit.
JANE: And what *better* way to enhance their image, right?
DARIA: Yep.
(Beat)
JANE: So anyway, did you tell off Andrea?
DARIA: Um... yeah.
(Suddenly the audience applauds. cut to shot of the stage. Quinn's
arrived and is walking blithely to her seat. She suddenly pauses and
looks
out at the audience, her hands clasped together and wearing the same
expression she gets when guys fight over her. Offscreen, we hear guys
chanting "Quinn! Quinn! Quinn!" Then Sandi makes a loud
clearing-throat
sound. Quinn turns around and sits down in the empty chair. Neither
she
nor Sandi extends a hand for good sportsmanship; instead, they just
grimace
at each other. Meanwhile, Tiffany is sitting down next to Stacy and
also
looking through index cards.)
UPCHUCK: Laaaaaaaadies and gentlemen... our candidates for president
are
ready to face off! In the *left* corner, we have the lovely Sandra
Griffin, Fashion Club president for nearly *two* years running. And in
the
*right* corner, her very *worthy* opponent, Quinn Morgendorffer!
Grrrrrrrrrr!
(The audience explodes at the sound of Quinn's name. Sandi's eyes
narrow.)
UPCHUCK: Our debate will consist of our candidates each responding to
questions posed by their fellow fashion club members. You'll both have
thirty seconds! Now let's beeeeeegin! Grrrrrrrrrrr!
(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. They roll their eyes. Pause. cut to
shot
of Stacy and Tiffany. Stacy reads from her first index card.)
STACY: (hesitant) Um, Issue number One: Ms. Li decides that the
students
should wear uniforms. What would you do? (Bt) Um, Sandi?
(Cut to shot of the stage. Sandi does a dramatic pause.)
UPCHUCK: (offscreen) *Thirty* seconds, Sandradee!
(Sandi glares down at him. Then her face takes on a superior look.)
SANDI: *I'd* stage a sickout for the *entire* school. No one would
show
up until Ms. Li had seen the *error* of taking away our freedom to
*accessorize*.
AUDIENCE: Oooooooooh...
(Sandi smirks triumphantly. Glances at Quinn.)
UPCHUCK: (offscreen) And now it's on to *you*, Quinn my sweet.
Grrrrrrr!
(Pause. Quinn looks extremely composed.)
QUINN: If *I* were president, I'd work with fashion clubs from other
schools to destroy all uniform-related newspaper clippings and
websites, so
Ms. Li would never even *think* of asking us to give up our right to
fashion.
AUDIENCE: Ooooooooooooh!!!
(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane. Jane leans toward Daria.)
JANE: She's *good*.
DARIA: (deadpan) At blowing smoke.
(Cut to shot of the stage. Quinn smirks triumphantly, glances at
Sandi.
Sandi's glowering.)
UPCHUCK: A *feisty* rejoinder from Morgendorffer! (to Stacy and
Tiffany)
How did it bode with *you*, ladies??
(Cut to shot of Stacy and Tiffany. Even they seem pretty impressed.)
STACY & TIFFANY: Good!
UPCHUCK: Okaaaaaaay, moving right along -- let's go to our *second*
question. Tiffany!
(Pause. Tiffany picks up an idex card and reads.)
TIFFANY: Issue number Two. Not all girls are as fortunate as we are.
How
do you plan to help girls who can't *afford* to keep up with the latest
trends? (Bt) Sandi?
(Cut to shot of the stage.)
SANDI: I'd organize an *outreach* program, where all of the best
boutiques
and department stores would donate the latest fashions to a *clothing*
fair, and let the pathetically *unfashionable* make their selections.
AUDIENCE: Ahhhhhh...
(Again, Sandi smirks triumphantly.)
UPCHUCK: (offscreen) What do you have to say to *that*, my fairest
Quinn?
(Quinn appears unfazed.)
QUINN: An outreach program is a good idea. But why make the stores
drag
their clothes out to a silly *fair*, which would probably just *ruin*
them,
anyway? (Bt) *I* propose we give poor students discounts to *all*
the
major clothing stores, so they can get individual attention *and* be
spared
the *humiliation* of squeezing into Size Three jeans in *public*.
AUDIENCE: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!
UPCHUCK: (offscreen) She makes a *good* point!
(Sandi glares, while Quinn smirks triumphantly.)
UPCHUCK: (offscreen) But can you top her on the *next* question,
Sandralaaah? Let's -- (interrupted by the sound of male voices
chanting
Quinn's name.)
(Cut to shot of the audience. All of Quinn's guys are pumping their
fists.)
GUYS: Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn!!! Qui-inn...!!!
(Meanwhile, Daria and Jane look on, wearing deadpan expressions.)
UPCHUCK: (offscreen) Oh my! Ohhhhhh, my! *Someone's* getting
appreciated
today!
(Brittany gathers the cheerleaders together and they do a cheer.)
CHEERLEADERS: Take it to the left! Take it to the right! Go on girl,
you're hot! *Fight*, *fight*, *fight*!!! (Bt) Go on, baby, red
*hot*...
go on, baby, red *hot*.....
DARIA: (deadpan) Yes. Someone *is* getting appreciated.
JANE: And she *knows* it. Look at her.
(Cut to close-up of Quinn. She's wearing a serene, blissful smirk.)
QUINN: (thought voice-over) Advantage *Quinn*.
(She looks out at the audience. Suddenly her face takes on a stunned
expression. cut to Quinn's POV. The audience looks pretty fuzzy, but
in
the foreground we can see Angie, one of the cheerleaders from "Daria
Dance
Party," wearing glasses. resume close-up of Quinn. She's so focused
on
the glasses, she fails to realize that the cheer has died down and that
Stacy is asking the third question. Silence. Then: )
UPCHUCK: (offscreen) Oh Qui-inn!
(Quinn shakes her head, startled.)
QUINN: *Huh*?
UPCHUCK: (offscreen) You're up *first*, this time.
(Pause)
QUINN: (suddenly less confident) Um, could you repeat the question?
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 3 (hallway, after the debate)
(Shot of Angie chatting with some of the other cheerleaders. By now,
the
crowd that watched the debate has nearly dispersed. Suddenly, from
offscreen: )
QUINN: Angie! Could I talk to you for a second??
(Angie turns, her face brightening.)
ANGIE: Sure, Quinn.
(She walks over to her. Meanwhile, Quinn's looking agitated.)
ANGIE: We all thought you did a great job. You *really* showed up
Sandi.
QUINN: (barely absorbing the compliment) Yeah, thanks. (Bt) Um, I
was
just noticing that you wear glasses now.
ANGIE: Oh, yeah. But not forever -- just 'til my new contacts are
ready.
(Beat)
QUINN: Oh. And the other cheerleaders don't *mind*?
ANGIE: Mind? Why should they?
QUINN: Well, 'cause you look like a *geek*.
(Beat)
ANGIE: A *geek*?! (looks a bit ticked)
(Quinn makes an "Ix-nay" gesture.)
QUINN: Hey listen, *I'm* not saying you do. (Bt) But, um, don't the
other cheerleaders think so?
ANGIE: Not that I know of. (Bt) I haven't gotten any *smarter* from
wearing these things.
QUINN: Well have they *said* anything?
ANGIE: No. (Bt. shrugs) They treat me the same as they always do.
(Pause)
QUINN: (subdued) Oh.
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 4 (Ms. Barch's science class)
(Close-up shot of Quinn, head in hand, wearing a thoughtful expression.
She's completely oblivious to what Barch is saying.)
BARCH: (offscreen) Because I know you testosterone-gushing,
hormone-raging
*males* would rather watch something being blown to *shreads*, I'm
gonna
make you watch the "Fuzzy-Wuzzy Animals of the Forest" video. May you
rot
in hell.
(The lights go out, shocking Quinn out of her reverie.)
QUINN: *Hgh*. (blinks disconcertedly, jerks her head around)
(Suddenly we hear Disney-type music coming from the front of the room.
Quinn stares straight ahead -- her eyes widen, then narrow, in a
desperate
attempt to see. We hear a male narrator speaking.)
NARRATOR: (cheery offscreen voice-over) Look at little Nub-nub. Isn't
she
cute? Nub-nub is one of many baby deer born in the forest *every*
spring.
QUINN: *Hgh*. (Bt) Cute baby animals??
(She tries even harder to see. cut to her POV -- because she's sitting
toward the back of the room, everything's a blur. resume close-up of
Quinn.)
NARRATOR: (offscreen) Nub-nub *loves* to play with Pokey and
Tickly-wickly, and all of her other animal friends. And we'll get to
meet
*each* and every one of them.
QUINN: (sound of moaning) Uuuuuuuughhh...
(She slumps forward in her seat, her elbows on her desk. For several
seconds, as the video drones on, she does nothing. Then, slowly, her
eyes
trail toward her purse on the floor. Pause. Slowly, Quinn reaches
down
toward it. Pause. We see her open it, then, slowly, start to lift out
a
black case. fade-out.)
(fade-in to: )
SCENE 5 (Andrea's house, after school)
(Shot of the outside. Daria's walking slowly down the sidewalk. She
stops
and turns to look at the house, in such a way that her back is to us.
Her
body language tells us she's doubtful about whether she got the address
right. Nothing on the outside screams "Andrea." The house is one
story
and on the small side, but looks extremely well-maintained. The paint
job
is neat, the hedges look trimmed, and there's even a bed of flowers
next to
the porch. Suddenly we see the front door slowly open. cut to
close-up.
From the inside, we see a face peeping out -- unmistakably Andrea's.
Then,
like a phantom, she turns and walks away, leaving the front door ajar.
cut
to shot of Daria. She shrugs her shoulders: now that Andrea's seen
her,
she has no choice but to go in. Starts walking up the walkway.
fade-out.)
(fade-in to shot of a living room with open doorways on either end.
From
wall to wall, we see Jesus paraphernalia: paintings, plates, cushions,
statues, clocks, et cetera. cut to close-up of Daria. She looks
extrememly confused -- maybe this *is* the wrong house. cut to her
POV.
We see a spiky-haired silhouette pause in front of the other doorway,
then
disappear. resume close-up of Daria.)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) Walk through heaven to get to hell. (Bt)
Somehow that seems fitting.
(She shrugs, and walks across the room. fade-out.)
(fade-in to shot of Daria sitting in a black wicker chair, wearing a
mystified expression as she gazes at her surroundings. cut to her POV.
The lighting of the room is red, so the walls all look blood red.
Andrea
has black curtains over her windows, similar to the ones in Jane's
room.
Some Marilyn Manson posters cover her walls, along with a poster of
T.S.
Eliot and a few landscape paintings. Predictably, in one corner, we
see a
life-sized *plastic* human skeleton. resume close-up Daria.)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) Well at least I can't find any bomb-making
materials.
(Just in case, she glances across the floor. Suddenly Andrea comes
over to
her and puts a stack of papers in her lap.)
ANDREA: (usual expressionless tone) You wanted my stuff. Here it is.
(Daria leafs through the pages. The light's so bad, she has to squint
to
see the writing on them.)
DARIA: Um, thanks. (Bt) I'd've brought my stuff, but your invitation
was
kind of spur of the moment.
(Andrea doens't respond. She sits down on a black-afgan on her bed,
not
far from Daria. Meanwhile, Daria's discovering she can't read the
poetry
worth a damn in the bad light. She decides to risk it and make
conversation.)
DARIA: Um, nice room. *Real* twisted, like *mine*.
(Beat. No response. Daria feels like an idiot -- she's not used to
being
so forward, and it's *weird* to be with someone more passive than she.)
DARIA: (lamely) Um, nice house, too.
(Pause)
ANDREA: My mom's a born-again. (Bt) Thinks the church'll keep her
sober.
(shrugs a shoulder)
DARIA: Oh. (Bt) Are you into that stuff?
(Andrea looks at her.)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) Stupid question. (Bt. aloud) Um, I don't
blame you. Organized religion does more to *trample* on the human
spirit
than to uplift it.
(Andrea doesn't respond. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a
pack
of cigarettes.)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) *Ugh*. Just slap a big sign on my
forehead
that reads "trying too hard." (shakes her head, frustrated)
(Andrea pulls out two cigarettes and offers one to Daria.)
ANDREA: Cigarette?
(Daria puts a hand up.)
DARIA: No thanks. I don't smoke.
(Pause. Andrea looks at her.)
DARIA: (defensive) Hey, not smoking doesn't make me a conformist.
(Beat. Andrea continues to look.)
DARIA: Plenty of non-conformists don't smoke. (Bt) Especially since
so
many Hollywood celebrities have picked up the habit.
(Beat. Andrea looks slightly stunned.)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) Gotcha.
(She smirks, suddenly feeling more relaxed. Andrea's demeanor seems an
eensy bit more accessible, too.)
DARIA: Um, so is this what you do after school? Hang around your room
and
write poetry?
(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)
ANDREA: Most of the time.
(Beat)
DARIA: Yeah, me too. (Bt) It's a good way to escape from reality.
(Andrea nods vaguely.)
ANDREA: Or make your own.
(Beat)
DARIA: Um, yeah. (Pause. finds herself a bit uncomfortable with that
statement. decides to skirt past it.) So, um, you said *most* of the
time
you're in here. What about the rest of the time?
(Beat)
ANDREA: I don't know. Sometimes I paint.
DARIA: You do?
(Andrea points to the landscape paintings. Daria looks at them, and
her
eyes widen with amazement.)
DARIA: Those are *yours*?
(Beat)
ANDREA: Yeah.
DARIA: Wow, those are really good. (Bt) How'd you learn to do that?
(Beat)
ANDREA: I taught myself.
(Beat)
DARIA: Ever shown them to anyone?
(Pause)
ANDREA: Like who? Ms. Li?
DARIA: Um, no, I meant... Ms. Defoe, or someone connected to the art
scene.
(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)
ANDREA: They wouldn't want my stuff.
DARIA: How do you know?
(Pause)
ANDREA: Because I tried entering the poster contest last year. No one
would let me.
[*] see "Arts 'N Crass"
(Pause)
DARIA: Oh. (Bt) But... I thought the contest was *voluntary*.
(Beat)
ANDREA: Yeah. But they didn't care. They thought I'd do something
that'd
embarrass the school.
(Beat. Daria's frowning.)
DARIA: Um, yeah. I understand. *Too* well. (Pause) But maybe if
they
saw your other stuff... (gestures at the paintings)
(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)
DARIA: I mean, don't hide yourself just 'cause *some* people are too
closed-minded to accept you for who you are.
(Pause)
ANDREA: Maybe, but I don't really care anymore. I don't paint for
other
people.
(Pause)
DARIA: Um, yeah. Nor should you.
(Pause)
ANDREA: I figure they can do their thing if they'll let me do mine.
(Beat)
DARIA: (sober) Yeah.
(Andrea's words ring all-too true for her. In spite of their
difficulties
with communication, Daria suddenly feels a sort of connection with
Andrea.
The connection reminds her of their shared interest in poetry, and she
glances down at the papers.)
DARIA: Hey, I was just thinking: it'd be better if we had *both* of
our
poetry to look at. (Bt) So we could compare.
(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)
DARIA: So how 'bout coming over to my house, sometime?
(Pause. Then Andrea shrugs again.)
ANDREA: Okay.
(cut to: )
SCENE 6 (Morgendorffer house, a few days later)
(Shot of the outside. cut to shot of the kitchen. Quinn's lounging on
one
of the stools by the counter, chatting on the cordless phone with
Tiffany.)
QUINN: ... Y' know, it'll be *really* nice to have you guys over, away
from all that election stuff.
TIFFANY: (from the receiver) Yeah.
QUINN: Sorry Sandi couldn't come. Who'd've thought it'd take an
entire
*evening* to wax your facial hair??
TIFFANY: Bummer.
QUINN: But the *three* of us'll have fun. (Bt) We could pop some
no-salt, no-butter, no-oil, fat free popcorn, give each other
makeovers...
(Bt. faux non-chalant) And I have some stuff in my closet that I kind
of
want to get rid of, if you and Stacy are interested.
TIFFANY: Sure.
(Beat)
QUINN: Hey, Tiffany, I was just thinking: Sandi's got a lot of
influence
at school, doesn't she?
TIFFANY: Yeah.
QUINN: As much as *me*??!
TIFFANY: Oh, no *way*.
QUINN: Good. (Bt. slightly worried) But gosh, um, you sounded kind
of
quiet a second ago. Anything wrong?
TIFFANY: Oh *no*.
QUINN: That's good. (Bt) So you'll be over soon?
TIFFANY: Definitely.
QUINN: Great. See ya then. (hangs up the phone)
(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake sitting on the couches in the living
room,
doing their usual work/ newspaper-reading. Quinn walks over to them.)
QUINN: Now when Stacy and Tiffany get here, you won't embarrass me by
saying hello or anything, right??
JAKE: Of *course* not, sweetheart!
(Helen looks at him, a bit annoyed. Turns to Quinn.)
HELEN: Yes, we'll *try* to stay out of your way. (Bt. suspicious)
You
know, Quinn, if you don't mind my saying: your little get-together
almost
smells like *backroom dealing*.
QUINN: So?
HELEN: (cocking a brow) Isn't that against the rules of good
sportsmanship?
QUINN: (rationalizing) Maybe so, but *Mo-om*, I *really* want to beat
Sandi. (Bt. crafty) She's kind of like *my* Laura Winters, and it'd
be a
shame if we lost to her *twice*, now, wouldn't it??
(Pause)
HELEN: (firm) Do whatever it takes to win, sweetheart.
QUINN: (triumphant) I will, Mom. (Bt. gets a worried look.) Um,
*Daria's* not gonna be around to embarrass me, will she?
(Helen sighs.)
HELEN: I think she's upstairs with Jane. (Bt) If you want her to
stay
out of your way, go ask her yourself.
(Quinn nods resolutely. Turns and leaves.)
(Cut to shot of the upstairs hallway. Quinn's just come from the
stairs
and is walking toward Daria's room.)
QUINN: (calling) Oh *Daria*?
(Suddenly she runs into Daria and Andrea, coming from the opposite
direction. Quinn sees Andrea and cringes.)
QUINN: *Agh*!! (face gets a look of horror)
(Andrea regards her impassively, as does Daria.)
DARIA: Yes?
(long Pause. Quinn does her best to recover. Glares at Daria.)
QUINN: (through gritted teeth) Can I speak to you *alone* for a
minute,
please??
DARIA: (faux friendly) Well *sure*, sis. (looks at Andrea, rolls her
eyes, then walks away with Quinn.)
(Cut to shot of the bathroom. Daria and Quinn walk in, stand in front
of
the sinks and mirror.)
QUINN: (resolute) *Daria*, my friends'll be over soon. You cannot
have
that *freak* here.
DARIA: (frowning) *Hey*. Andrea's my *guest*. She's got as much
right to
be here as *your* friends.
(Quinn quickly loses her composure.)
QUINN: Oh no she *doesn't*!!! I'm counting on *tonight* to win me the
Fashion Club presidency, and if *anything* goes wrong --!
DARIA: (flatly) Look, don't worry. Andrea and I won't say *or* do
anything to wreck your chances.
QUINN: You don't understand! Just by *being* here she could wreck my
chances! If my friends *see* her --!
DARIA: *What*?! If your friends see her, *what*?!
(Beat)
QUINN: They might think she'll *rub* off on them or something. And
then
they'll blame me! (Bt) Look, it's bad enough I have to worry about
them
seeing *you* --
DARIA: (coldly) Ooh-hoo, your own *sister*. That is, if you had the
guts
to admit that's who I am.
QUINN: Oh quit being such a big *baby* about that! (Bt) Look,
*fine*, if
it's a matter of money, I'll pay --
DARIA: Forget it. Not interested.
QUINN: But *Daria*!
DARIA: N-O.
(Beat)
QUINN: *Dammit*, Daria! If you and your loser friend cost me this
election --!
DARIA: (sarcastic) You may just have to go back to being
*vice*-president.
Aw gee.
(Beat. Quinn glares at her.)
DARIA: Or maybe you'll be forced to take a good look at yourself in
the
mirror.
QUINN: Huh? (thinks she means it literally, turns and looks at
herself)
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: I *mean* maybe you'll finally realize that being Miss
On-Top-of-the-World Fashion Club hotshot isn't *you*.
(Beat)
QUINN: (sullen) What're you *talking* about??
(Pause)
DARIA: (serious) Look, Quinn, I don't know how long you think you can
fool
people --
(As she says this, Quinn's face turns pale, as if she's remembering
something.)
DARIA: -- I mean, you've managed to fool them for over a year about
*me*.
But sooner or later, you're gonna have to face the fact that you're
vision-impaired, and acting like a big *idiot* trying to cover it up.
(Pause. Now Quinn's glaring at Daria through the mirror.)
DARIA: You're giving up a lot by not wearing your glasses. (Pause)
Aren't you?
(Pause. Quinn stops glaring and looks downward, her brows furrowing.)
QUINN: Giving up *what*?? (Pause. turns to Daria, tosses her hands
in
the air.) Being a loser *nerd* with no friends??! (Bt) Look, I don't
have *time* for this. I gotta get ready... (starts to leave)
(Daria cocks and eyelid.)
DARIA: Fine. (Bt) But could you answer me a question?
(Quinn pauses.)
QUINN: *Yes*?!
(Beat)
DARIA: What's the *real* reason you're bugged by me and Andrea? Is it
'cause *we're* freaks, or 'cause we make you scared *you* might be one?
(Pause)
QUINN: (flatly) That's a *stupid* question.
(She leaves without answering it. Daria cocks a resigned eyelid.)
(Cut to shot of the hallway. Quinn's stalking down it, head bowed, not
paying attention to her surroundings. Suddenly she bumps into Andrea.
Looks at her.)
QUINN: Aghhhhhhhhh!!! (runs away)
(Andrea watches her go. Shakes her head.)
ANDREA: Weird.
****************
END OF ACT TWO
[Split screen of Sandi and Quinn smirking triumphantly at each other.]
***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt
securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials
put
on television.***
1) Those movie commercials where they interview "real" audience
members
after they've seen the show and give us their soundbites. Usually it's
done for a romantic comedy or a Disney movie. Example: "Audiences
across
America are cheering [fill in the blank]!" Audience member #1 (with
two
kids in tow): "Best movie I've seen all year!" Her kids: "It was
awesome!"
Audience member #2 (a giggly teenager): "[fill in the blank] was *so*
hot!"
Their responses are so choreographed, you can all but see the cue cards
they're reading from.
2) Men's hair commercials. I'm thinking especially of Hair Club for
Men.
It just creeps me out that some men would be so insecure about
baldness,
they'd have *fake* hair planted in their heads. Not real, not a
hairpiece,
but fake... *shudder* They actually think women would find that sexier
than a bald spot??
3) And if I've offended any with the last commercial, I may offend
still
more with another set of commercials I dislike: the ones with the
little
Pepsi girl. Wait, let me explain: I think she's cute as hell, and I
got a
good laugh the first time I saw her lip-synch to the voices of older
people. But by now, those commercials have been shown *way* too often,
and
where can you *go* with them after a while?
***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you
survived?***
ACT THREE
SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, same day, same time)
(Shot of the outside.)
QUINN: (offscreen voice-over) MOM!!! DAD!!!
(Cut to shot of Helen and Jake on the couches. They look up from what
they're doing, startled. We then see Quinn flying down the stairs,
straight toward them.)
HELEN: Quinn, what on *earth* --?!
(Quinn comes up behind them.)
QUINN: (rushed. dramatic) Daria doesn't have Jane over, she's got that
weird *freaky* girl over who looks like she's on *drugs* an' she's
gonna
make *Daria* take drugs!
(Helen and Jake's eyes widen. They look at Quinn.)
HELEN: *Drugs*?!
JAKE: Daria's gonna take *drugs*"?!!
QUINN: Well no... but she *might*! You gotta get that girl *out* of
here
-- my friends'll *be* here, soon!
HELEN: (briskly) Quinn, now *calm* down -- go upstairs and get ready.
Dad
and I will handle this.
(Quinn nods. As she's leaving, Helen and Jake huddle together
conspiratorially.)
HELEN: My *God*, Jake, I can't *believe* this!
JAKE: I know! Oh Gahhhhd... Daria's going downhill *right* before our
eyes!
HELEN: Now Jake, be reasonable. It hasn't come to *that*. At least
not
*yet*, anyway.
JAKE: But what're we gonna *do*??
HELEN: We'll just go *right* on upstairs and see this girl for
ourselves.
In all likelihood, she's probably *very* nice.
JAKE: That sounds good.
HELEN: (ominous) And if she's not, we'll give her the *scare* of her
life.
JAKE: *Both* of us??
(Helen takes his hand.)
HELEN: Come *on*, Jake.
(They both stand up.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 2 (Daria's room)
(Shot of the inside. Andrea's sitting on the bed, surrounded by sheets
and
sheets of poetry. Daria walks over to the bad, clears a space, and
sits
down next to her.)
DARIA: Sorry about my sister. (grumble) The little twerp...
(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)
ANDREA: No problem. (Bt) She's interesting to watch. Kind of
strange.
(Daria lets out a sharp chuckle.)
DARIA: Yeah, strange. (Bt. grumble) Strangely lucky to be *alive*.
(Andrea doesn't respond, but you could swear that underneath her
impassive
façade, she's smiling. Daria glances down at the sheets of paper.)
DARIA: So? Do my poems make the cut?
(Beat)
ANDREA: Sure, I guess. (Bt) They're a little on the tame side,
though.
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: (sardonic) *Really*?
(Beat)
ANDREA: Yeah. (Bt) They're dark, but there's a line they won't
cross.
DARIA: And your stuff *does* cross that line, I suppose. (glances at
Andrea. smirks. admitting) Yeah, well, we can't *all* write about
cheerleaders being tortured in hell with as much flare as you can.
[*] see John Berry's "The Education of Dumber-Than-a-Tree"
ANDREA: That was one of *my* tame ones.
DARIA: So I gathered.
(Pause)
ANDREA: There *was* a poem you read in class that I thought kicked
ass.
It -- (interrupted by the sound of knocking.)
DARIA: (calling) Quinn, *get* lost!
(Cut to shot of the door. From offscreen: )
HELEN: Daria? It's Mom. Could you open up, please?
JAKE: Yeah, kiddo! We wanna, um, *meet* your little friend.
(Beat. cut to shot of Daria and Andrea. Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: Good God. (Bt. to Andrea) Somehow I suspect there's no way
out
of this. Brace yourself.
(Andrea nods.)
DARIA: (to Helen and Jake) Come *in*.
(Sound of door opening and shutting. Helen and Jake approach them
apprehensively, unable to take their eyes off of Andrea. They're
straining
to look friendly, but you can tell they don't quite know what to make
of
her. After a few seconds of silence: )
DARIA: (deadpan) Let me save you the trouble. Mom and Dad, this is
Andrea. Andrea, these are the people responsible for subjecting me to
life
on this planet.
(Helen and Jake chuckle uneasily.)
HELEN: Oh now, *Daria*, don't be *silly*! (Pause. in a *way* too
cheery
tone) *Well*, Andrea, Mr. Morgendorffer and I have heard a *lot* about
you.
(Andrea glances at Daria questioningly.)
DARIA: (to Helen. deadpan) Such *as*?
(Helen and Jake glance at each other, try to think of a way out of the
lie.)
HELEN: Oh, well...
JAKE: There were *so* many things...
(Beat. Daria cocks an eyelid.)
HELEN: (gushy-cheery) But the *point* is (leans toward Andrea, so that
she's almost right in her face.) we're *always* happy to see Daria
bring
home a new friend.
(Jake does a fist pump.)
JAKE: *Darn* right, we are!
(long Pause. Andrea regards them impassively. Helen and Jake both
look at
her, frown, then try to think of something else to say.)
HELEN & JAKE: Ummm....
(Finally Helen comes up with something.)
HELEN: So, um, how *did* you two meet?
JAKE: It wasn't at the "Rocky Horror Picture Show," was it?
(Pause. Helen glares at Jake. Daria rolls her eyes. Andrea appears
unperturbed.)
DARIA: (slowly) We met at school.
JAKE: (mumbling) Oh. That was gonna be my next guess...
(Beat. Helen gives Jake a look that says, "Just *don't* talk anymore."
Jake wilts, submits.)
HELEN: (to Andrea. cheery) *School*?? Why that sounds *fascinating*.
Do
you like school, Andrea?
(long Pause. Finally Andrea shrugs.)
DARIA: (deadpan) That means *yes*.
(Helen blinks, looking a little bewildered.)
HELEN: Oh! *Good*. School's an *excellent* place to expand your
academic
*and* social horizons. (Bt. glances at Daria) Daria here's managed
to
excell in the academics thus far --
JAKE: (playing backup singer) Darn right!
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
HELEN: -- but now she can, um, do well in the *social* area, too.
(Bt.
looks at Andrea, still as though she doesn't know what to make of her.)
So
*tell* me, Andrea, do you take part in any school activities?
(long Pause. Finally Andrea shakes her head.)
HELEN: Oh...
(Beat)
DARIA: (sardonic) She thinks school activities waste time and are
there to
make the school look good.
JAKE: That's funny, kiddo, that's the same thing you --
(Helen slaps his arm.)
HELEN: *Jake*.
JAKE: (wincing) But I wasn't...
(Daria sighs.)
DARIA: Look, now that you all have met, why don't you two run along
and
leave me and Andrea to plot our hostile takeover of the town.
(Pause. Helen and Jake grow pale. Daria cocks an eyelid that says,
"I'm
*kidding*.")
HELEN: (uneasy laugh) Oh ho-ho, *Daria*! (Bt. rushed) But, um, now
that
I think about it, I *do* have some work I need to get back to.
JAKE: Me too!
HELEN: So perhaps we *should* just run along. (Bt) But it was *very*
nice meeting you, Andrea. (Pause. puts a hand on her chest in a noble
manner.) You know, Mr. Morgendorffer and I like to think of ourselves
as
two hip, open-minded parents who accept any moral, law-abiding,
clean-cut
friend their daughter brings home, no matter *what* her appearance or
background may be like.
JAKE: Darn right!
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: (thought voice-over) *Real* subtle, you guys. (aloud) Yes,
glad
to hear it. Now would you leave us alone?
HELEN & JAKE: Of course, of course.
(Helen reaches over to shake Andrea's hand, then thinks better of it.
Does
a little wave, walks away. Jake does the same thing, follows. As soon
as
they're gone, Daria heaves a big sigh. Pause.)
ANDREA: Weird.
(Beat)
DARIA: (sardonic) I get the feeling you think my whole family should
be
carted off to the funny farm.
(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)
ANDREA: They make pretty interesting poetry subjects. (Pause) Like
that
one you wrote about your mom shrieking like a demon.
(Pause)
DARIA: (uncomfortable) Oh. You *liked* that one?
ANDREA: Kicked ass.
(Beat)
DARIA: Oh. (Pause) So, um, then what is it about the rest of my
stuff
you find so boring?
(Beat)
ANDREA: Not boring. Just not over the edge.
(Beat)
DARIA: (frowning a bit) Could you *explain*?
(Pause)
ANDREA: You talk a lot about how screwed-up people are and how
messed-up
the world is. (Bt) Then you let everyone off the hook.
(Beat)
DARIA: (frowning. trying to comprehend) Off the hook? (Bt) As in
suggest they could change, like for the better?
(Beat)
ANDREA: (nodding) Yeah.
(Beat)
DARIA: (sardonic) So unfettered optimism bothers you, does it?
(Pause)
ANDREA: I just think it's unrealistic. (Bt) But then again, I guess
I
can't blame you. Seeing as how you are.
DARIA: A *conformist*?
(Beat)
ANDREA: You like school. The teachers all like you. And --
DARIA: (defensive) Hey, I didn't ask to be put in the running for
valedictorian.
(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)
ANDREA: Maybe not. (Bt) But you're okay with going by the rules.
(Bt)
You *and* Lane.
(Beat. Daria's frowning, weighing Andrea's words.)
ANDREA: I mean, why else would you bother to get good grades?
(Beat)
DARIA: (sardonic) Maybe 'cause I enjoy *challenging* myself?
(Pause. Andrea shrugs.)
ANDREA: Could be. (Pause) But that's not the whole story. (Pause)
You
say you don't like people, but I think you do. You want to please
other
people.
(Pause. Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: (sarcastic) Wow, you really have *my* number down. (Bt) So a
few
days of watching me and a stack of poems told you *that*??
(Beat)
ANDREA: I've watched you before. Just not all at one time.
(Pause. Daria blinks, surprised.)
DARIA: You *have*?? (Bt) What, do you make it your business to watch
everyone at school??
(Beat. Andrea shrugs.)
ANDREA: Pretty much. (Pause) What else is there for me to do?
(Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: Well, you've said it yourself: why even *care*? (Bt) Why not
just
do your own thing and to hell with other people?
(Pause)
ANDREA: I don't know why. (Pause) It's weird, but sometimes I've
wanted
to be more like you and Lane.
(Beat)
DARIA: Really?
(Pause)
ANDREA: Yeah. But then I think: why take the risk? It always seems
to go
the same way: one minute people are there for you. The next, they let
you
down.
(As she says this, Daria's expression changes from peevish to sort of
pitying. She looks at Andrea, not knowing how to respond.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 3 (hallway at school, a couple days later)
(Close-up shot of Daria putting stuff in her locker, a thoughtful
expression on her face. Suddenly, from offscreen: )
JANE: It's the *mystery* girl!
DARIA: *Huh*??
(Cut to wider shot. Jane's approaching Daria, a wry expression on her
face.)
JANE: What's your name again?? Wait, wait, *no*, let me guess. (Bt)
It's... *Daria* -- right??
(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: (deadpan) Yes. And *you* are?
JANE: Very funny. (Bt) So would you mind telling me what you've been
up
to the past few days?
DARIA: What d' you mean?
JANE: Can the innocent routine. (Bt) You've been, like, *totally*
secretive. I mean I feel like I haven't even *seen* you at all.
(Beat. Daria looks down.)
DARIA: Oh. Um, well I --
JANE: Daria, you haven't joined a *cult*, now, have you? (Bt) C'
mon,
you can tell ol' Jane.
(Beat. Daria rolls her eyes again.)
DARIA: Okay, you got me. (Pause. sighs, decides to level with Jane.)
Actually, I, um, wasn't gonna say anything, but...
JANE: *But*?
DARIA: (uncomfortable) The reason you haven't seen me is 'cause...
I've
been hanging out with someone else.
(Beat)
JANE: (neutral tone) Oh really? Who?
(Beat)
DARIA: (mumbling) Um, Andrea.
(Beat)
JANE: Oh.
(Beat)
DARIA: (pacifying) Look, I just wanted to see what she was like.
We've
only hung out a couple of times.
(Beat. Jane's expression is still neutral.)
JANE: Uh-huh.
(Beat)
DARIA: And I was, um, afraid to tell you 'cause I didn't want... well,
I
thought (reddens a bit) you'd be mad at me and maybe... not want to
be
friends anymore. (Bt) I'm sorry.
(Pause. Jane looks sort of surprised.)
JANE: Not want to be friends? 'Cause you hung out with someone *else*
for
a few days? (Bt. smirks) Geez, Daria, give me *some* credit.
(Daria looks at her, startled.)
DARIA: So you're *not* mad??
JANE: Why should I be? It's your right to hang out with whoever you
want.
DARIA: Whoa, that's a relief. (Bt) I mean, I knew you didn't like
Andrea, so --
JANE: Not like Andrea? Did I *say* that??
DARIA: Not in so many words.
(Pause. Jane shrugs.)
JANE: Well hey, if I gave you that impression, I'm sorry. Force of
habit.
DARIA: That's okay.
(Beat)
JANE: (lowering her voice) So what was it like? Hanging out with her?
DARIA: (deadpan) She scares my parents. And she almost nixed Quinn's
chances of becoming president of the Fashion Club.
JANE: Whoa. Did she really??
(Daria cocks an eyelid.)
DARIA: No. (Bt) After an evening of arm-twisting, the little
weasel's
got this election in the bag. Nothing can stop her.
(Jane shrugs.)
JANE: Same old, same old. (Bt. pointed) But so Daria, tell me:
what's
Andrea *really* like?
(Pause. Daria sighs.)
DARIA: She's nice. (Bt) Not much different from you or me, really.
JANE: You don't say.
DARIA: Yeah. (Bt) Except for the fact that she puts up walls about a
mile thick.
JANE: Wow. Thicker than *your* walls??
(Daria nods.)
DARIA: Hard to believe, but I think so. (Bt) It'd take a jackhammer
to
get through to her soft inside.
(Beat. Jane raises an eyebrow in disbelief.)
DARIA: (continuing) I've only been with her twice, and already I'm
exhausted. (Bt) *I'm* not that bad, am I??
(Beat. Jane shrugs.)
JANE: Naw... it'd only take a run-of-the-mill sledgehammer to get to
*your* softer side.
(Daria smirks.)
DARIA: Thanks. (Bt) You know, I'm not ready to give up on Andrea,
but I
gotta say: it's great talking to someone without experiencing a
technical
delay.
JANE: Happy to be of service. (Bt) But as a friend, could you do me
a favor?
DARIA: Yeah?
JANE: Next time you spend time with someone else, could you at least
*tell* me? (Bt) I was starting to think you'd gone the way of Howard
Hughes.
DARIA: Sure.
(They both turn away from their lockers. Suddenly we see Andrea
standing a
distance away, doing her usual staring. She then turns and walks away.
Daria looks at Jane, stunned.)
DARIA: Damn! You don't think...?
(Jane raises a brow and nods.)
(cut to: )
SCENE 4 (an empty classroom)
(Shot of Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany sitting at desks in the middle of
the
room. Quinn's just entered and is coming over to meet them.)
QUINN: (chipper) Too bad *this* debate's in private. We won't get to
show
the whole school what we're about.
(She sits down next to Sandi, who seems oddly triumphant. Stacy and
Tiffany are seated in front of them. Stacy's her usual self, while
Tiffany
seems quiet, even for her.)
SANDI: I just didn't want to *humiliate* you in public.
QUINN: (faux graciousness) Oh *Sandi*, that's so *thoughtful* of you.
But
you couldn't humiliate *me*.
(Sandi doesn't reply. Smirks malevolently. Finally she looks at
Stacy.)
SANDI: *Stacy*, why don't *you* start by announcing the rules?
STACY: Okay. (Pause. reading from an index card.) This is the
second
and final debate of the Fashion Club elections. The same format
applies as
in our previous debate. When you have finished speaking, Tiffany and I
will weigh your remarks and cast our votes tomorrow.
(Sandi and Quinn both nod.)
SANDI: Very *good*. (Bt. looks pointedly at Tiffany.) Now Tiffany,
why
don't *you* ask the first question?
(Pause. Tiffany's face is expressionless as she picks up an index card
and
reads it slowly.)
TIFFANY: Issue number One: (Pause) What do you plan to do if people
discover you've committed past violations of the Fashion Club rules?
(Bt)
Quinn?
(Pause. Stacy glances at Tiffany, confused. Quinn grows pale.)
QUINN: (a bit nervous) What kind of question is *that*??
SANDI: (smirking) One that I *think* you can answer. (Bt) Nerd-girl.
(Quinn looks at her speechlessly, then at Stacy and Tiffany. Stacy
looks
shocked, Tiffany remorseful.)
STACY: What're you talking about, Sandi?
(Sandi glances at her, then cocks an eyebrow at Quinn.)
SANDI: A source in Ms. Barch's class told me she saw you wearing
*glasses*
not long ago.
(Stacy gasps. Quinn reddens, lowers her face.)
QUINN: (to Sandi) But how do you --?!
SANDI: *Save* it, Quinn. She gave me *proof* -- which I'd be happy to
*produce* if I *must*.
(Pause. Quinn closes her eyes, her face taking on an expression of
defeat.)
STACY: (to Quinn. shock, wonder) So you mean your eyes *weren't*
screwed
up by the eyedrops your doctor gave you? (Bt) You really *can't* see
well?
[*] see Quinn's excuse for wearing glasses in "Rose-Colored Lenses"
SANDI: *I'll* say she can't.
(Pause. Then Quinn looks at them, defiant.)
QUINN: *All* right, all right, so it's true. I wear glasses. But so
*what*?! (Bt) I'm not the first attractive and popular person to wear
them. (Pause) I thought, if other girls could, why not *me*??
(Beat)
SANDI: (megabitch. no-nonsense) Quinn, we are a *fashion* club --
QUINN: (peevish) But you once *said* the Fashion Club could tolerate
diversity! (Bt. grumble) That is, before you *dumped* me...
(Beat)
STACY: Yeah, Sandi, maybe --
SANDI: (ignoring her) *Quinn*, the main *issue* here isn't about you
being
a four-eyed *loser*. (Bt) It's about you telling *lies*. And
*fashion*-related ones at that.
(Pause. Quinn wilts a little.)
SANDI: (faux moral) If you lied *once*, how can we trust you not to
lie
*again*? How do we know the next time you tell Stacy her new
*platform*
sandals co-ordinate well with her violet halter top, you really *mean*
it??
(Pause. Now Stacy looks at Quinn with a vaguely disappointed, betrayed
expression.)
SANDI: Or that Tiffany's outfits really *don't* make her look fat?
(Pause. Tiffany looks at Quinn with a peevish expression.)
SANDI: And besides, fashion lies are strictly *forbidden* by our
charter.
And if you *don't* believe me, go look for yourself.
(Pause. Quinn's head is still bowed, eyes downcast.)
SANDI: (sober) And so, I think it would be in the best interest of the
Fashion Club if you...
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 5 (Morgendorffer house, that afternoon)
(Shot of the outside. We hear Quinn's voice-over: )
QUINN: THEY MADE ME RESIGN!!!!!
(Cut to shot of the living room. Quinn is sprawled across the center
couch
on her stomach, sobbing into a pillow. Meanwhile, Daria and Jane sit
on
the righthand couch, watching her with impassive expressions.)
QUINN: Oh God, oh God, oh *God*!!! I was *so* close, an' now I have
*nothing*!! My life is *over*.... (moans, buries her face in the
pillow,
and heaves a sob.)
(Pause)
DARIA: (deadpan) So let me get this straight: you blew your whole
cover to
watch "Fuzzy-Wuzzy Animals of the Forest"?
(Beat. Quinn lifts her tear-stained face and looks at Daria.)
QUINN: But they were *cute*! Cute *animals*!! You can *see* the
pressure
I was under! (heaves another sob)
DARIA: Uh-huh.
QUINN: Besides, it was *dark*! I didn't think anyone could *see* me!
(Pause)
DARIA: You couldn't've just moved *up* a few rows to watch?
(Pause. Quinn stops crying. She looks at Daria with a murderous
expression. Jane wisely decides to intervene.)
JANE: (pacifying. philosophical) Well hey, it's all in the past now,
anyway. What's done is done.
DARIA: Right. It's time to move on.
(Beat)
QUINN: (whiny) But I *can't* move on!! The Fashion Club means
*everything* to me!! (heaves a sob. sniffles.) I won't go without a
*fight*, I tell you! I *won't*!!!
(Beat)
JANE: Well then how 'bout this: go study your club charter. There's
*gotta* be a tax-shelter style loophole you could squeeze through to
stay
in.
(Pause. Quinn sniffles, considers.)
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) *Or*, here's another idea. Just accept
defeat
and try something new. Now that you've been outted about your glasses
--
QUINN: (becoming enraged) Are you *saying* I should start wearing them
and
come to school looking like a bug-eyed *geek*?!! No *way*! That's a
*stupid* idea!!
(Daria purses her lips together and rolls her eyes.)
QUINN: (to Jane) Y' know, I think I *will* have a look at the charter
tomorrow. (sniffles. touches a hand to her face. gets a look of
horror.)
*Agh*!!! I'm all *puffy*! I gotta go soak my skin... (quickly jumps
off
the couch and leaves)
(Pause)
DARIA: You know it's weird, but I actually feel sorry for her.
(Beat. Jane frowns.)
JANE: *Yeah*.
DARIA: Maybe the stuff Andrea said about me *was* true.
JANE: What stuff?
DARIA: She told me that I liked people. That I cared about their
opinions.
(Jane chuckles, rolls her eyes.)
JANE: *You*? (Bt) Wow. You sure she wasn't *on* something when she
said
that??
(Daria also rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: *No*. She wasn't. (Bt) She was actually making a lot of
sense --
more than I was willing to give credit to at the time...
(fade-out. fade-in to: )
SCENE 6 (hallway at school, the next afternoon)
(Shot of Daria and Jane standing at their lockers. Quinn walks over to
them, shoulders sagging. They look at her.)
DARIA: (deadpan) Hey.
(Quinn doesn't respond -- her body language pretty much says it all.)
JANE: So no luck with the charter, huh?
(Quinn shakes her head.)
QUINN: (deflated) I couldn't find *anything*. There weren't any rules
that would let me back in.
(Daria shrugs.)
DARIA: (sympathetic) Well, you gave it your best shot. (Bt) What did
your friends have to say?
(Beat)
QUINN: (sullen) *What* friends?
(Pause. Daria and Jane look at each other.)
DARIA: (to Quinn) Well, look, maybe your old friends've deserted you,
but
that doesn't mean you can't make new ones.
(Quinn rolls her eyes and tosses her hands in the air.)
QUINN: (exasperated) Like *who*?!
(Pause)
BRITTANY: (offscreen) Oh *Qui-inn*!
(Quinn, Daria, and Jane turn to look.)
JANE: Hey, how 'bout like *them*?
(As if on cue, Brittany, Kevin, Jodie, and Mack walk onscreen and
gather
around Quinn. She stares at them, bewildered.)
QUINN: Hi, you guys. What're *you* doing here??
BRITTANY: (spacey cheerful) We came to cheer you *up*!
JODIE: Yeah, Daria told us what happened.
QUINN: She *did*?? (turns to look at her. Daria shrugs a "don't
mention
it.")
JODIE: That was a really mean thing Sandi did to you.
MACK: Yeah. Just 'cause you wear glasses? Who *cares*??
DARIA: (wry) I've managed to scrape by.
KEVIN: (to Quinn. goofy cheerful) Yeah. You probably don't look like
*that* much of a nerd in 'em!
(Pause. Quinn wilts. Everyone else glares at Kevin.)
BRITTANY: *Kevin*!
(Pause)
MACK: (wry) Sorry, Quinn. That was just the best way *he* could think
of
to say you probably look okay.
JODIE: Not just *okay*. Probably pretty *good*.
(Pause)
QUINN: (faint gratitude) Thanks. (Pause. sighs) But that doesn't
help
me much.
DARIA: She just found out the Fashion Club charter is air-tight.
JANE: Which means she can't get back in.
JODIE/MACK/KEVIN/BRITTANY: Aw, too bad/ We're sorry.
(Beat)
JODIE: Well what if you formed *another* fashion club?
QUINN: (incredulous) *Two* fashion clubs?
JODIE: Yeah. I bet girls would rather be in a club with *you* than
with
Sandi.
(Pause. For a minute Quinn's face brightens at the thought. Then she
wilts again.)
QUINN: Yeah, *right*. After it gets out all over school that I wear
glasses and that I lied...
(Beat)
MACK: You know, I get the impression you don't think you look good in
glasses.
QUINN: Yeah?? So??
MACK: Well how 'bout letting *us* be the judge?
JODIE: Yeah. Let's see what they look like on you.
BRITTANY & KEVIN: Yeah!
(Pause. For several seconds, Quinn just stands there, staring at them
dejectedly. Finally, she tosses up her hands.)
QUINN: All right, *fine*.
(She reaches into her purse. Daria and Jane glance at each other
expectantly. Quinn takes out the black case, opens it, takes out the
glasses and holds them up for everyone to see.)
JODIE/MACK/KEVIN/BRITTANY: Oh!/ Nice!/ Cool!
(Then, peevishly, Quinn puts them on and slumps against a locker.)
JODIE: Hey, you look good!
MACK: You really do!
BRITTANY: Yeah!
KEVIN: Yeah -- not *too* weird!
(The others glance at him and frown.)
JODIE: Quinn, I don't think you have anything to worry about.
(Pause. Quinn's face brightens for a fleeting moment. Then: )
QUINN: (deflated. resigned) Thanks.
(Beat)
MACK: So are you gonna wear them from now on?
(Pause. Quinn sighs and shrugs.)
QUINN: I might as well. (Pause) There's no reason for me *not* to.
(Pause. Daria smirks with rare sisterly pride.)
QUINN: I guess I have to get used to the fact that I'll be spending
the
rest of eternity as a *geek*.
(Daria glances at Jane, rolls her eyes.)
DARIA: (wry) Stop me before I burst out crying.
JANE: Aw, you old softy... (suddenly sees that Daria's frowning and
looking offscreen.) Hey, what's wrong?
(Cut to their POV. We see Andrea staring at them. She turns and
leaves.
resume previous shot of Daria and Jane.)
DARIA: (to Jane. rushed) Hold that feel-good moment. (Bt) I'll be
right
back. (she quickly leaves.)
(Cut to shot of Andrea, walking in a blase´ fashion. Daria comes up
quickly behind her.)
DARIA: Andrea!
(Andrea stops. Slowly turns to look at Daria, her face impassive.
Daria
stands across from her.)
DARIA: I've been trying to get a hold of you all day.
(Pause. Andrea shrugs. Daria frowns.)
DARIA: (peevish) *Don't* tell me we're back to Square One.
(Pause)
DARIA: Oh. I guess we are. (Pause) Look, Andrea, whatever you
heard, I
just want to let you know: I think you're a good person. (Bt) Okay?
(Pause)
ANDREA: Sure.
(Pause)
DARIA: And, um, maybe we could hang out again sometime.
(Pause. Andrea shrugs.)
ANDREA: Whatever.
(Pause. Daria rolls her eyes, realizing that Andrea's indifference
means
they probably *won't* hang out again.)
DARIA: And I also wanted to let you know that I agree with what you
said
about me.
(Pause)
DARIA: Okay, I'll admit it: I *do* hold a grudging faith in human
redemption. I *don't* believe all hope is lost.
(Pause. Andrea shrugs.)
DARIA: And you know something? I'm fine with that. It's what gets me
through life on this screwed-up planet without reaching for a noose.
(Pause)
DARIA: I mean, hey, look at my sister. She's finally learning to
embrace
her status as a four-eyes. (Bt) Maybe it'll mellow her out, and
she'll
see there's more to life than being good-looking and popular.
(Pause)
DARIA: And if *she* can redeem herself, *anyone* can.
(long Pause. Daria waits expectantly, then finally turns to leave. As
she's doing so: )
ANDREA: Your sister?
(Pause. Daria turns to look at her.)
DARIA: Yeah?
(Pause)
ANDREA: Redeem herself? (Bt) I wouldn't bet on it.
(Pause. Daria frowns darkly.)
DARIA: You don't think so??
(Pause)
ANDREA: I know so.
(She turns and walks away, leaving Daria to stand and frown after her.)
(Cut back to shot of Quinn, Jane, and the rest. Quinn's still slumped
against a locker. Suddenly Jane glances at her armband watch.)
JANE: Whoa! Gotta go -- late for class. (reaches over and pats Quinn
lightly on the arm. Quinn's so dejected, she doesn't even cringe.)
I'll
see ya later.
(Quinn glances at her and nods as she leaves. Jodie then looks at her
watch.)
JODIE: Yeah, we gotta go, too. (Bt) Take care of yourself, Quinn.
MACK: Yeah, bye. (they wave, leave.)
(Brittany and Kevin are left. Brittany turns to Kevin.)
BRITTANY: Kevvy, why don't you go on ahead? I wanna talk to Quinn
alone
for a minute.
(Beat)
KEVIN: (confused) Walk to class? By *myself*??
BRITTANY: Aw, you can do it, Kevvy. Remember -- we practiced the way?
(Kevin scratches his head. Then his face brightens.)
KEVIN: Oh yeah!
BRITTANY: Now just follow *all* the markers *real* carefully.
KEVIN: I gotcha babe. (he waves, leaves.)
(Pause. Quinn looks at Brittany.)
QUINN: (straining to be patient) What d' you want, Brittany?
(Pause. Brittany stands there, twirling a lock of hair, looking like
she's
not sure what to say. Quinn's impatience grows -- she frowns.)
BRITTANY: Uhhhm...
QUINN: *Yes*??
(Beat)
BRITTANY: (hesitant) Um, Quinn... I was just thinking: now that you're
no
longer in the Fashion Club, you've got a lot of free time 'n stuff,
don't
you?
QUINN: (exasperated) Thanks for *reminding* me.
(Beat)
BRITTANY: Well... um... remember how when you first got here, you said
you
might join the *pep* squad??
QUINN: Vaguely.
BRITTANY: Well... so, um... how'd you like to go out for
*cheerleading*??
(Pause. Quinn looks at Brittany, stunned.)
QUINN: Me? (Bt) A *cheerleader*?? (Bt) But I don't know anything
*about* that stuff.
BRITTANY: Oh that's okay. (Bt) I could *teach* you.
QUINN: But there're probably lots of girls who'd be better at it than
I
would. And besides -- cheerleaders *sweat*. (shudders a little)
(Pause. Brittany looks disappointed.)
BRITTANY: Oh. Sorry you feel that way. (Bt) 'Cause if you *had*
wanted
to join, we'd've just put you on.
(Beat)
QUINN: You *would*?
BRITTANY: Yeah. I'd've *sponsored* you. And 'cause I'm head
cheerleader,
you wouldn't've even had to try *out*.
(Pause. She shrugs and turns to leave. Quinn's face suddenly takes on
a
calculating look.)
QUINN: (thoughtful) *Head* cheerleader, you say?
(Brittany turns back to look at her.)
BRITTANY: Yeah.
(Pause. Quinn's face brightens with a wicked smirk.)
QUINN: You know something, Brittany? I change my mind.
(Brittany's face lights up and she clasps her hands together.)
BRITTANY: You *do*??
QUINN: Yeah. (Bt) I think I *will* go out for cheerleading.
(Brittany bounces up and down.)
BRITTANY: Ooooh, *goody*!!! I just know all the other cheerleaders
would
*love* to have you on our team!
QUINN: And I'd love to be on it with them. (Bt. smirk deepens.)
Nothing
would make me happier than to be a part of the cheerleading
*family*....
(cut to: )
SCENE 7 (school)
(Shot of the outside. Superimposed , in bold writing: One Week
Later.)
BRITTANY: (offscreen voice-over) Aaaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhh!!!
(Cut to shot of Daria and Jane standing at their lockers. They gaze
offscreen, bewildered.)
KEVIN: (offscreen) Babe! Hey, babe, what's up??
BRITTANY: Uuuuuuughhhhhhhh!!!
(Daria and Jane look at each other.)
DARIA: Uh-oh.
JANE: (hushed) Just stand still and try to blend in with the lockers.
Maybe she won't notice us.
(No such luck. Brittany heads straight for Daria, gets in her face.
Kevin
follows.)
BRITTANY: (to Daria) What's *up*?! What's UP?!!! Oooooooh!!! As if
you
didn't *know*!!!
(She says "know" with her famous squeak, so loud and piercing, it
causes
Daria to cringe.)
JANE: (answering for her. cringing a bit, also) Know *what*?
BRITTANY: (to Daria) I did something nice for your stupid *sister*! I
let
her join the cheerleading team!!!
DARIA: (partially recovered) *And*?
BRITTANY: And today, they held an *election* --
(At "election," Daria cocks a wary eyelid.)
BRITTANY: -- an' made *her* head cheerleader! Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeap!!!
(Pause. Daria and Jane both cringe.)
JANE: Head cheerleader?
DARIA: *Quinn*??
BRITTANY: Yes! The little *traitor*!!! (Bt) Well I told them
*fine*!
You can *have* your new *head* cheerleader! Then I *quit*!!!
(Pause)
KEVIN: Whoa, babe.
(Pause)
DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah -- whoa. (Bt. shakes her head) I can't
believe this.
JANE: (rolling her eyes) I guess some things never change.
(Suddenly, from offscreen, Quinn appears. She's dressed in a
cheerleader's
uniform, wearing her glasses and a satisfied smirk.)
QUINN: (to Brittany. faux consoling) Oh *Brittany*, we wish you'd
come
back to the team. Cheerleading wouldn't be the *same* without you.
(Pause. Brittany looks at Quinn. Her face crumbles.)
BRITTANY: Arrrrrghhhhhhhhhh!!! (runs offscreen)
KEVIN: Baaaaaaabe! (runs after her)
(Pause. Quinn watches them go, shakes her head. Daria and Jane both
frown
at her.)
DARIA: (slowly. deadpan) So, Miss *Head* Cheerleader?
QUINN: (chipper) Yes?
DARIA: (cocking an eyelid) I don't suppose before this *election*, you
practiced any *backroom* dealing, now, did you??
QUINN: *Daria*, why on *earth* would you say a thing like *that*??
(Bt)
They *chose* me 'cause I was the best person for the job. (Bt)
Anyway,
I'd love to stay an' chat, but I have to go. Gotta find out whether
Lawndale's spelled with an *I* or not... (leaves)
(Pause. Daria watches her go, then slowly shakes her head.)
DARIA: (to Jane. defeated) You're right -- some things *do* never
change.
(Jane nods. Daria glances away, suddenly sees something offscreen.
cut to
her POV. We see Andrea -- she's watched this entire scene. Turns and
leaves. cut to close-up of Daria. She slaps a hand to her forehead.)
DARIA: Oh *crap*!
**********************
THE END
[roll the credits.........................]
COMMENTARY
Ei-yi-yi! This fanfic has broken several records. One is length -- it
now
usurps the throne of "The Tie That Chokes" as my longest fanfic.
Another
is *difficulty*... I thought "That Thing You Say" would be my all-time
most
challenging, but this one's just beaten it out. The reason is that
this
fanfic is the first where I've dealt with *parallel* plotlines, as
opposed
to plot/subplot. I really wanted each plotline to be fully fleshed
out,
yet well-integrated with the other. I think I've succeeded... I
hope...
I was really happy to have the chance to write an episode where Daria
hangs
out with Andrea. For the past 2.5 seasons, it's bothered me to no end
that
neither Daria *nor* Jane has shown any interest in her. They're
supposed
to be drawn to the dark side, and who's darker than *Andrea*?? I could
see
them both thinking that she's got her own click, and is therefore
off-limits, but to show *no* interest in her? Too hard to swallow.
I conceived the plotline for this episode *before* the Columbine
massacre,
so that's why you'll find no probing look at Goth culture, et cetera.
Frankly, I'm glad I didn't go in that direction... Goths have
undeservedly
gotten enough grief for Columbine. I *had* originally considered a
plotline where Daria *and* Jane hang out with Andrea, and Andrea
introduces
them to the underground Goth society of Lawndale High, but soon dropped
it
because it seemed too problematic. I don't *know* anything about Goth
culture, and wouldn't want to misrepresent it. Also, it's hard to know
if
Andrea even belongs to a "society," since we always see her alone.
The most difficult thing about writing this fic was fleshing out
Andrea's
character. It is *so* open to interpretation, since, as Daria said,
"we
know nothing about her." She could be assertive, as she was in
Michelle
Klein-Hass's "Clothes Make the Manson," or she could be hyper-passive,
as I
rendered her. I chose to make her passive because I thought it'd be
cool
to have Daria thrown off-guard by someone more passive and alienated
than
she. That's 'cause, in many ways, I agree with Andrea: Daria's not a
*true* outcast. We don't see her getting shunned or taunted or abused.
Her worst enemy at Lawndale High is Quinn.
The Daria/Andrea scenes were extremely difficult, because I had to
figure
out how to move them along without having Daria become
uncharacteristically
assertive. I tried to make her more forward than she would normally
be,
but not out of reasonable bounds.
Now on to the other major subject in this fic: Quinn's glasses. Yep,
she's
finally been outted. One thing I'd worried about before and while
writing
this was that I'd outted her too *soon*. It's true, I could have
extended
her dodge for several more episodes. But I was afraid that if I did,
I'd
make some stupid mistake, like have Quinn stare across an open field
and
see someone hundreds of yards away. I thought: better "resolve" this
early
than leave it 'til later. However, as you may have learned by now from
reading my other fics, *nothing* is ever truly resolved. We may see
Quinn
wearing glasses, but that doesn't mean that she accepts them or is
comfortable with herself as a "four-eyes." These issues will get
looked at
in my follow-up to this episode, where we'll witness Quinn's
misadventures
as Lawndale High's new head cheerleader.
I realize that by putting Quinn in this position, I've deviated quite a
bit
from the "norm," and I ought now to explain that it will remain this
way
for the next several episodes. Part of writing these fics, for me, is
the
pleasure of getting to see our fave characters in new roles... and
*damn*,
I think it'd be really fun to see/write Quinn as a cheerleader! Of
course,
I must emphasize that while deviating from the norm, I *will* work to
maintain the characters' basic personalities, and that these deviations
will never be so great that I can't revert things pretty much back to
how
they are on the show.
Now, *points of interest*...
Sandi: Recently I read an essay by Austin Covello which wisely pointed
out
that Sandi is not the great bitch we all are accoustomed to think of
her
as. It's true: she's *not* mean to Quinn every chance she gets. Case
in
point: in "Depth Takes a Holiday," when Quinn's worrying about her
parents
having a baby, Sandi advises her not to lose sleep over it, or else
it'll
ruin her looks. Then, when Quinn *does* lose sleep and comes to the
F.C.
meeting all ragged, Sandi makes her take a "sabbatical," rather than
use it
as an excuse to oust her. Okay, so many (myself included), don't
consider
DTAH to be a *true* episode. But let's also recall "Quinn the Brain":
there, Quinn commits some major fashion faux pas. Yet again, rather
than
oust her, Sandi tries to enlist Daria's help to show Quinn the error of
her
ways.
One thing I think we tend to forget is that if Sandi is at all
"megabitchy," a lot of it has to do with her perception of Quinn as a
real
threat to her power. And Quinn *is* a real threat; she can be pretty
conniving when she wants to be, as we've seen in this fic. She's *no*
innocent victim... and in some cases, she can even be as nasty as
Sandi.
Case in point: in "The Daria Hunter," when Sandi's running out toward
the
buses at the end, Quinn just turns her back on her. *Great* friend,
that
girl...
Thus, you see Sandi bitchy in my fic, but that doesn't mean I think of
her
as a hyper-bitch. I just see her as a popular snob who's finally met
her
match....
Jane and Daria's friendship: If it seems as though I only lightly
touched
upon any possible tension between them, it's because I'm building up to
something. It makes sense that they'd both get tired of hanging out
with
*just* each other after a while, and it felt good to have *Daria*, for
once, make the first move to hang out with someone else.
Now... on to the *games*...........!!!
In my last postscript, I asked which of my fics had the most *made* up
characters. The question's sort of tricky, since made up characters
might
have very small roles. Luckily, this time, C.E. Forman answered my
call
right away and prevented me from having to make another distressed plea
for
someone play the game.
He said, rightly so, that "'Shipped Out" had the most made up
characters:
*two*. "Rose-Colored Lenses" had one made up character -- the
receptionist
at the optometrist's office. "The Tie That Chokes" had one -- Joel.
"That
Thing You Say" also had one -- Joel. Actually, there was one other
made up
character in that fic -- the clerk with the one-liner at the Mall of
the
Millennium -- but I don't count her as a true character. "'Shipped
Out"
had Barry, Daria's loser suitor (who may make a guest appearance in a
future fanfic), and Denise, Trent's girlfriend (who probably won't).
Kudos,
C.E.! And in case you're wondering, I think there's only *one* made up
character in this fic: Barry again.
Now on to the new game: it finally occurred to me that the most simple
and
lucrative game format would be trivia questions. I've decided, for
this
fic and maybe the next few, to confine the questions to *one* of my
past
fics; originally it was going to be several, but I realized that making
you
hunt through all of my past fics would *not* be a good idea. So for
this
game, these questions will address *only* scenes from "The Tie That
Chokes."
1) What was Amy doing that prevented her from attending Erin's
housewarming?
2) What does Helen *destroy* (in Act I) after she gets a taste of
Amy's
chummy relationship with Daria?
3) What's the subject of Helen's "lecture flashbacks"?
4) When the Fashion Club *first* meets Amy (*not* when they first see
Quinn), what gets them ticked off?
5) What type of desert does Upchuck get a face-full of after he hits
on Amy?
I would have made these multiple choice, but I was too brain-drained to
come up with less-than-obvious choices. Hopefully these aren't *too*
difficult. Otherwise, next time I *will* make them multiple choice...
Acknowledgements: Hmm, I didn't really use any outside sources, apart
from
the references I made to a couple of other fanfics. Who to thank???
I'd
like to thank the Academy... my parents... my friends... my
colleagues...
you like me, you *really* like me! Okay, I'll stop. :-)
If you'd like to join my mailing list, e-mail me at
scar@uclink4.berkeley.edu.
*Bleh*, you've been an outstanding audience for sitting through this
entire
thing... thanks for reading!
This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright June 1999. All
rights
reserved.
