This story takes place right after "Esteemers". Daria hasn't met Trent yet.
(Bitter-sweet 16. Naomi, 1998)
(Opening scene: Morgendorffer kitchen)
Quinn: And it's like so cool! Thirty-three guys have asked me out since we've moved here. And those are just freshmen. It beats my old record.
Helen: That's great, Sweetie. I'm so happy this move has worked out for you. Daria, what about you. I noticed that you made a friend.
Daria: Yeah. Friend, partner, accomplice, whatever you want to call it.
Helen: Well, since it's your birthday this Saturday, maybe you could have your little friend over. Maybe even throw a party.
Jake: Hey! That's right. It's your birthday.
Daria: Mom, I don't want a party. I hate parties.
Jake: A party? What a great idea! (kind of sadly) Oh, Daria, we just moved. It must have been hard leaving all your friends behind right before your birthday.
Daria: I didn't have any friends.
Quinn: Besides, I, like, invited the fashion club over this Saturday.
Helen: Quinn, why would you do something like that? You knew it was your sister's birthday.
Quinn: How am I supposed to keep track of such things?
Jake: How old are you going to be, Kiddo?
Daria: I'll be 18, Dad. In fact I plan on moving out.
Jake (thoughtfully): Where has all the time gone?
Helen: Jake, she'll be 16.
Jake: 16! Sweet 16. I remember my 16th birthday party. I wanted to go to the DMV and get my license. But, no! My dad had a hangover. I just wanted to drive....
Helen: Jake! Daria, what do *you* want to do for your birthday?
Daria: Celebrate the fact that I'm one year closer to being able to be tried as an adult.
Quinn: I have my sweet 16 party all planned out. There is going to be a bunch of people there. And so many presents. And a really cool band.
(Cut to Lawndale High cafeteria. Jane and Daria are eating lunch.)
Jane: You should really come over some day when my brother is awake. I have a feeling you would really like him.
Daria: Yeah, I'm Ms. Congeniality.
Jane: I'm serious. My whole family is a bunch of outcasts. Maybe we can adopt you. (pause) Hey, since we're playing the "getting to know you game", when is your birthday?
Daria: This Saturday. My mom's trying to get me to have a party.
Jane: Will there be punch and cookies?
Daria: There isn't even going to be a party if I can help it.
(Brittany happens to be walking by. She stops and goes over to Daria and Jane)
Brittany: Did somebody say party? I love parties!
Daria: But would you really be caught dead at a party with us?
Brittany: Hmm, do you have a laundry room? I'll round up some popular people. It will be fun!
Daria: Wait a minute. There isn't going to be a party.
Brittany: There isn't? But you already invited me! (pause) What's this party for, anyways?
Daria: To celebrate another year of my existence.
Jane: It'll be at Daria's house Saturday night.
Brittany: Where's that?
Jane: You know Quinn Morgendorffer? Same house.
Brittany: Oh! Ok. I'll see you guys then.
(Brittany wanders off. Daria turns to Jane)
Jane (shrugs): Looks like there is going to be a party after all.
Daria: If I had known you for more than 3 days, I'd tell you that I hate you.
Jane: I can tell this is goint to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
(Cut to Morgendorffer living room later that night. Daria is watching Sick Sad World. Jake is reading. Helen is looking over papers and Quinn is reading "Waif".)
TV: Is your remote changing your television to channels that you don't want to watch? Controlling remote controls on the next Sick Sad World.
(Daria clicks off the TV. Helen looks up)
Helen: So, Daria, I bought some party goodies just in case you change your mind.
Daria: Actually, I kind of did. Some people are coming over on Saturday night.
(Helen looks surprised. Quinn looks up from her magazine.)
Quinn: What! People are coming over? For you? What am I going to tell the fashion club?
Daria: You could tell them that they are all a bunch of superficial air-heads. But they probably couldn't comprehend that.
Quinn: What?
Helen: That's great, Daria. (Worriedly) I hope I can get everything ready by Saturday.
(Cut to the next day in the halls of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are at their lockers)
Daria: Now it's all a big party. Maybe I can hide out in my room.
Jane: I'm going to get Trent to come.
Daria: How come you are so stuck on setting us up?
Jane: Cause I know that you two will just completely hit it off.
Daria: I doubt it.
( Cut to the fashion club, elsewhere in the halls)
Quinn: So, like, it turns out there is going to be a party this Saturday at my house. I wasn't expecting it. It just sort of happened.
Stacy: A party!?
Sandi: Oh, well, I guess we can move our meeting to Sunday. I mean, a party is a good cause. What's the party for?
Quinn: Um, well actually, it's for my geeky cousin's birthday. But we can just ignore her and like hang out with the cool people.
Tiffany: How did she get people to come to her party?
Quinn: I invited them. Community service.
Stacy: That's so nice of you.
Sandi: Do we like have to get her a present?
Tiffany: We really should. Cause, then we could go shopping.
Sandi: What does that girl, um, like?
Quinn: I don't know. We can just get her a book or something. I know! We can go to the mall after school.
Sandi: Great idea, Quinn.
Stacy: You are so smart!
Tiffany: Really, really smart.
Quinn: Oh, you guys. (She smiles at the attention)
(Cut to Lane's house. Jane goes over to Trent's room and knocks on the door)
Trent: Yeah?
Jane (opens the door): You awake?
Trent: Yeah. Just trying to figure out what's wrong with my guitar.
Jane: What are you doing tomorrow night?
Trent: I don't know.
Jane: Want to go to a party?
Trent: A high school party?
Jane: Kind of. It's a friend of mines birthday.
Trent: You have a friend?
Jane: I finally stepped out of my shell.
Trent: I don't know, Janey.
Jane: You two will get along. Besides, there will be free food.
Trent: Ok, I'll go. Should I get your friend a present?
Jane: Her name's Daria. I guess you should. She likes to write.
Trent: What are you getting her?
Jane: Stuff.
Trent: How old is she?
Jane: Sweet 16.
(Cut to the next day, about 5 in the evening. Helen is running around trying to get everything ready. Quinn enters occasionally, in a new outfit, asking if it looks good. Daria sits, bored, on the couch next to her dad who is reading the paper)
Helen: Daria, will you please go make the punch?
Daria: I would, but I'm afraid I'd spike it. You don't want a bunch of drunk teens running around, do you?
Helen: Oh, Daria! Just be nice tonight. This is your chance to make a bunch of friends.
Daria: I'll remember to slap on my smile.
Helen: And why don't you put on a party dress?
Daria: Because then I'd be officially getting into the party spirit.
(Quinn comes downstairs in a pale green tight dress)
Quinn: How about this one?
Daria: It's "barely there" and indicates "I'm easy".
Quinn: Really?
Daria: On the other hand, it makes you look kind of hippy.
Quinn: Oh my God. (She runs upstairs. We hear her scream) It does make me look hippy.
Helen: Daria, are you going to do that with every outfit she tries on?
Daria: Only untill she runs out of clothes.
Helen (warningly): Daria...
Daria (innocently): I'm just looking out for my little sister. I wouldn't want her to look "fat" at my party.
(Quinn comes back in a short skirt and lace shirt)
: How does this make me look?
Daria: Frivolous.
Quinn: Thanks.
Helen: Quinn, you look fine. Will you please help me with the food and drinks?
Quinn: Ugh, ma-om, I'll ruin my perfect outfit.
(The doorbell rings)
Quinn: I'll get it!
(Cut to the Fashion Club entering the living room)
Sandi: Um, hi, Quinn's cousin, or whatever. Um, happy birthday.
(Daria just looks at her.)
Stacy: We brought you a present! It's from all of us.
Daria: It's not make-up, is it?
Sandi: Uh, no. Quinn said that you don't wear that kind of stuff. (Looks disdainfully at Daria): Um, I guess she wasn't kidding.
(The doorbell rings. Cut to a few seconds later. The 3 J's come in)
Daria: Who are you?
Quinn: Joey, Jeffy, and Jason. They are on the team. I just met them yesterday at the mall.
Jamie (to Quinn): I'm Jamie.
Quinn: That's what I said, Jeremy.
Joey: (To Daria) Who are you?
Daria: I don't know. They removed the memory section of my brain.
Joey: So, Quinn, do you want to dance?
Jeffy: No! Dance with me.
Jamie: I'm a really good dancer, Quinn.
Quinn: You guys, the music isn't even playing yet. But I'd love a soda.
(Cut to later. The house is full of people from Lawndale High. Helen and Jake have made themselves scarce. Jane has yet to arrive. Daria is sitting on the stairs looking bored. She has the cordless. Split screen with Jane)
Daria: When are you coming?
Jane: Sorry. Trent just got back from his friend's house. I'll be over soon.
Daria: Bring tear gas. I want to clear this house out.
Jane: Later.
(Brittany comes over to Daria)
Brittany: Hi! Isn't this party fun? I knew I could get a bunch of people.
Daria: Oh, yeah. I'm thrilled.
Brittany: Why are you out here instead of in with all of the other people?
Daria: I was just so overwhelmed with excitement, I decided I needed to take a break.
Brittany: Oh.
(Kevin comes over)
Kevin: Babe, did you find out where the laundry room is yet?
Daria: It's up the stairs, 3rd door on the right.
Kevin: Cool. Thanks. Let's go babe.
(They head up the stairs. Daria smirks. Cut to Kevin and Brittany leaning against the outside of a door kissing. Kevin opens the door. A surprised Helen and Jake are sitting in bed. Kevin and Brittany don't notice them and keep kissing)
Helen: Why, I never in my whole life!
Kevin: What babe?
(He and Brittany see Jake and Helen)
Brittany: Eep! We thought this was the laundry room.
Helen: Get out, now! (Kevin and Brittany leave, looking confused)
Jake: Damn kids. (pause) Hey honey! Remember when we used to make out at parties?
Helen (in her sensual tone): Hehe yes. You were so handsome and frisky back then.
(They both giggle)
(Cut to Daria still on the stairs, with a satisfied smirk on her face. The doorbell rings. She answers it)
Jane: Yo. Sorry we're late. Did we miss anything?
Daria: Just the exotic dancers.
Jane: Daria, this is my brother, Trent. (Trent comes into view. Daria looks at him with her usual deadpan expression.)
Daria: Um, hi. Nice to meet you.
Trent: You too. So, it's your birthday?
Daria: (disdainfully) Uh huh.
Jane: Whoa, how'd you get such a turnout?
Daria: Beats me. I don't know 75% of the people here. The other 25% I wish I didn't know.
(Trent laughs a little.)
Trent: I think I'm going to go get something to eat.
(Trent walks away)
Jane: I knew you guys would hit it off.
Daria: What are you talking about?
Jane: Oh, nothing. Let's go into the other room.
Daria: Feeling social?
Jane: No. But I don't want to miss anything that I can later use against somebody.
(Cut to later. Daria is sitting on the couch looking bored. The crowd has thinned out quite a bit. Trent comes over and sits down by her.)
Trent: Happy Birthday.
Daria: Um, thanks. So, what do you do?
Trent: I play the guitar. I'm starting to get good I think.
Daria: Oh.
Trent: Just kind of enjoying life right now. Out of that petty annoyance called high school. Those were some tough years.
Daria: Yeah. Tough as in stupid, boring, and pointless.
(Trent laughs a little. Daria smiles a little for the first time that night)
Trent: What do you want to do after high school?
Daria: Move as far away from my family as I can get.
Trent: Don't get along with them?
Daria: No, they don't get along with me. My sister tells everybody I'm her cousin. My mom spends all her time on her work, and when she takes a break from that, she tries to get me involved in just about anything. My dad has basically detached from the family except when he comes in with stories about his childhood or to take orders from my mom.
Trent: Hmm.
Daria: Yeah. What about your family?
Trent: Well mom and dad are usually away. When they aren't, my mom's in her ceramic bunker. I'm really not sure what Dad does. It's usually just Janey and me. Our brother and sisters left. Occasionally they will drop off one of their offspring. Don't get to see any of them much.
Daria: I wish I could arrange it so I wouldn't have to see my family. If I usually didn't sedate myself in my room I don't know how I'd live. I just want to escape it all until I'm old enough to.....Trent?
(Cut to Trent asleep. Daria looks kind of confused.)
Daria (to herself): Guess hearing about my family bored him to sleep. Then again, it bores me to the point where I want to knock myself out with a 2-by-4.
(Daria gets up. She finds Jane in a corner, sketching.)
Daria: Hey.
Jane: Hey. I see you and Trent were hitting it off pretty good.
Daria: Well, kind of. He fell asleep while I was talking.
Jane: Yeah, he does that a lot. I think it's some strange case of narcolepsy. It's really annoying when he does it while he's driving.
Daria: Remind me not to get in a car with him.
Jane: All you have to do is yell. He usually wakes up in time to avoid any accidents. Although he did hit that dog that one time. Little chihuahua.
Daria: The less chihuahuas, the better.
(Cut to later. Everybody has left. Helen, Jake, Jane, Daria and Trent are all in the living room)
Helen: Everybody left before we got to sing happy birthday!
Daria: At least one thing has gone right.
Jake: Why don't you open your presents, kiddo!
(The fashion club emerges from the kitchen)
(Daria looks disdainfully at the table. There are a few presents on it from various people who actually knew it was her birthday. Daria picks one up. It's wrapped all in pink)
Daria: I'm sure I'll just love what's in here.
Helen: Who's it from?
Sandi: It's like, from the fashion club. We all chipped in.
(Daria opens it)
Daria (Deadpan and sarcastic): A blow dryer. Aw, thanks.
Quinn: It's the ultra dry 3,000. It has 5 different settings and a built in moisturizer. Can I borrow it, sometime? Thanks.
Sandi: Quinn, like, told us that you probably would want a book. But like we couldn't find a book on make-up and we thought that this would help you out a lot. Bouncy, styled hair is so important. And since we're the fashion club we thought we should help you too.
Daria: I'm speechless with excitement.
Stacy: We knew you'd love it!
(Daria reaches for another present and opens it)
Daria: A bracelet. Just what I wanted.
Helen: Who's it from?
Daria: Joey, Jeffy and Jamie.
Quinn: They remembered! That's the bracelet I showed them at the store yesterday.
Daria: And the card reads: "Um, if you don't like it, give it to Quinn." Well, Quinn, unfortunately for you, I love it. I'm going to wear it proudly. Or shove it in my closet.
Quinn: But, Daria, they obviously bought it for me. I planned it out this way and...... (Helen glares at her. Quinn scowls)
(Cut to a bit later. Daria has opened the other presents. The fashion club is gushing over various fashiony presents that were meant for Daria But alas, Daria doesn't want them)
Helen: Here, Sweetie, this one is from your father and me.
(Daria looks at the the wrapped present and knows it's a book. She looks hopeful for a second, but as she opens it her face returns to deadpan)
Daria: "10 Steps to a Better Attitude and a Happier Life". A self help book.
Helen: Happiness is the best present you can give.
Daria (Thought VO: I can't wait to return it.): Well, it's not a car, or even "Animal Maulings on Home Video" but I guess I can make some use of it. (Thought VO: I have a lopsided dresser that needs a lift on one side)
Jake: We knew you'd like it honey.
Trent: Here, Daria. (He pulls out a package)
Daria: You really didn't have to do that.
Trent (shrugs): Open it.
(Daria opens it. She looks at it.)
Daria: It's a pen. (She holds up a really spiffy looking pen.)
Trent: Well, Janey said that you like to write.
Daria (Sincerely for once): Thank you.
Trent: No problem.
Jane: Here, open mine.
(Daria opens it and actually smiles a little. She holds up a journal)
Daria: Thanks Jane. I needed a new journal. I think today will make a good entry.
Jane: And you can use your pen to write in it.
Daria: Was that a plan?
Trent: Nope.
Jake: Let's do the cake! Double chocolate with chocolate frosting!
(Helen turns out all the lights. Jake goes into the kitchen and emerges with a cake. Even just with the candles lighting the room we can see Daria blushing madly. Jake leads singing "Happy Birthday". The fashion club half- heartedly joins in. Jane smirks and joins. Daria tries to hide her face. Trent joins in. When he does, Daria looks up in awe. The song finishes and Daria is still looking at Trent. Trent has his eyes on the cake.)
Helen: Daria, blow out the candles.
Daria: Huh?
Helen: The candles.
Daria: Oh yeah.
Quinn: Make a wish! I'd wish for new shoes, or maybe a new sweater with a really cute smiley on it.
Daria (Sarcastically): Thanks for the suggestions. (She thinks for a minute and blows out the candles. Jake starts cutting the cake. Helen turns the lights on and goes to get plates and silverware. )
Jake: Who wants a piece of cake?
Sandi: Is it, like, fat free?
Jake (thougtfully): I don't know.
Daria: Oh, yeah. It's definitely fat free. It's also low calorie. You can eat as much as you want.
(Sandi looks at her suspiciously. She looks at the other fashion club members who shrug)
Sandi: Ok, we'll have some.
(Cut to a little later. Everybody is eating cake.)
Helen: Quinn, it's so nice to see you eat for once. You have to indulge every once in a while.
Quinn: Mom, it's fat free.
Helen (confused): What? Who told you that?
Quinn: Daria did.....(Going hysterical): You mean, it's not FAT FREE? Oh my God.
(The other fashion club members' eyes go wide)
SS&T: Oh my god!
Sandi: That was really not nice, Darla, or whatever.
Daria (sarcastically): I'm just as surprised as you are. Who'd of ever thought.
Quinn: Come on, I have an exercise tape in my room.
(The fashion club heads off to Quinn's room)
Helen: Daria, why would you do something like that?
Daria (innocently): Are you accusing me of lying? How was I to know that it wasn't fat free?
Helen: Daria, how are you ever going to make friends if you do things like that?
(They hear a scream from upstairs. The fashion club comes back down)
Quinn: Eww! Gross. Kevin and Brittany are in my bed!
(Helen runs up the stairs.)
Sandi: Come on, let's go to my house. (The fashion club leaves. We hear Helen yelling. Kevin and Brittany run out of the house a few seconds later. Helen comes back down the stairs, looking tired.)
Helen: Come on, Jake, help me with the dishes.
(Helen and Jake go to the kitchen, leaving Daria, Jane and Trent alone.)
Trent: Whoa.
Jane: My thoughts exactly.
Daria: This is probably the coolest birthday I've ever had. I got Quinn and her friends to go beserk and they will probably kill themselves doing aerobics for the rest of the night. I think my mom's going to get an ulcer and a nice strain in her voice from yelling and I got a nifty pen.
Jane: And you didn't want to do anything for your birthday....
Trent: I gotta get going.
Jane: Why?
Trent: I have stuff to do.
Jane: Like what?
Trent: Just stuff.
Jane: You want to go to sleep, don't you?
Trent: Yeah.
Jane: Daria, is it ok if I stay the night?
Daria: If you really want to spend even more time with my family, sure.
Jane: Ok, then. Seeya later, Trent.
Trent: Um, bye. Thanks for inviting me, Daria. It was interesting.
Daria: Yeah.
Trent: Seeya.
Daria: Seeya.
Jane: Leave already!
Trent: I'm going, Janey, jeesh. (Trent leaves)
Jane: So...
Daria: So what?
Jane: Don't play dumb with me. I saw you staring at him while we were all singing.
Daria: Um..
Jane: Don't try to deny it.
Daria: You never told me he could sing.
Jane: Sorry I didn't give you the 411 on my brother.
Daria: He has a really nice voice, is all.
Jane: Sure, that's all.
(Daria glares at Jane. Jane smirks.)
Jane: What should we do now?
Daria: I'm tired from all that hardcore partying. I'm going to bed.
(Cut to later. Daria is in her bed. Jane is in a sleeping bag on the floor.)
Jane: So how does it feel to be 16?
Daria: The same as it did to be 15. And 5 for that matter. The only difference is that I have to go to high school and do algebra instead of kindergarten to do finger painting.
Jane: But as you get older, new love develops. Now it's who you meet at parties instead of who you kissed under the monkey bars at recess.
Daria: I never kissed anybody under the monkey bars. I hated the monkey bars.
Jane: Don't try to change the subject.
Daria: You are very sneaky.
Jane: I'm also nosy and straight-forward. Some of my best qualities.
Daria: Well, you aren't getting anything out of me tonight.
Jane: Fine. I will someday though.
Daria: Good night.
Jane: 'Night.
(Cut to alter egos. Song playing is Happy Birthday, by the "Arrogant Worms") (This is probably the funniest birthday song I've ever read. ~Naomi)
Once a year we celebrate With stupid hats and plastic plates The fact that you were able to make Another trip around the sun
And the whole clan gathers round And gifts and laughter do abound And we let out a joyful sound And sing that stupid song
Happy birthday! Now you're one year older! Happy birthday! Your life still isn't over! Happy birthday! You did not accomplish much But you didn't die this year I guess that's good enough
So let's drink to your fading health And hope you don't remind yourself The chance of finding fame and wealth Decrease with every year
Does it feel like you're doing laps And eating food and taking naps And hoping that someday perhaps Your life will hold some cheer
Happy birthday! What have you done that matters? Happy birthday! You're starting to get fatter Happy birthday! It's downhill from now on Try not to remind yourself Your best years are all gone
If cryogenics were all free Then you could live like Walt Disney And live for all eternity Inside a block of ice
But instead your time is set This is the only life you get And though it hasn't ended yet Sometimes you wish it might
Happy birthday! You wish you had more money Happy birthday! Your life's so sad it's funny Happy birthday! How much more can you take? But your friends are hungry So just cut the stupid cake
