Characters:
Things You Need To Know:
Scene 1: "Let's Get It On"
::Mel and Holly are talking online the day Everclear's new CD comes out (July 11th.. go buy it)::
Mel: 'I think I'll just listen to this next song.. it's called.. Am Radio?'
Holly: 'Let me warn you...'
Mel: 'Shhhh hold on..'
Holly: 'But.. Art sounds..'
Mel: 'HOLD ON PLEASE'
Holly: 'Fine, suit yourself.' ::twiddles thumbs::
Mel: ::puts on song::
::Ghetto beats kick in::
Mel: 'Uh.. '::checks CD to make sure she didn't get, 'Classic funk of the 70's volume 1' instead::
Art: 'YOU CAN HEAR DA MUZAK ON DA AM RADIO'
::Mel's mouth drops::
Art: 'DA VCR DA DVD THERE WAZ NONE OF DAT CRAP BACK IN 1970'
::Mel looks at CD again to double check::
Art: 'WANNA GET DOWN IN A COOL WAY? PICTURE YO' SELF ON A BEAUTIFUL DAY BIG BELL BOTTOMS AND GROOVY LONG HAIR JUST WALKIN IN STYLEEEEEEE'
::Mel tries to fight but realizes Art's voice is now hypnotizing her::
Mel: 'HOLLY! ART'S A RAPPIN'!'
Holly: 'Well gee.. ya think?'
Mel: 'No, he really is!'
Holly: 'I know'
Mel: 'HOLLY PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME.. WE CAN TALK ABOUT YOU IN A MINUTE.. ART'S RAPPING'
Holly: 'I know'
Mel: 'No, seriously.. listen to me.. let me speak slower.. Art's... rap...ping..'
Holly: 'okay... Art's rapping'
Mel: 'YES! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAY!'
Mel: 'I need to see Art.. I need to tell him he has to become a rapper.'
Holly: 'Well.. my parents have some blank checks laying around..'
Mel: 'LET'S FLY TO L.A.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Holly: 'ROAD TRIP!'
Mel: 'Um, no dude..'
Scene 2: What's going down in Texas?
::In Texas we see what Lori is up to..::
Lor: 'Hold on Steven.. just let me do this one tiny little thing.. don't move.. mmm yes.. yes.. oh god yes..'
Steven: 'I feel weird'
Lor: 'Shhhh just let me enjoy this'
Steven: 'Well uh.. okay.. ::groans::'
::Lor puts more mascara on Steven::
Lor: 'I ALWAYS wanted to do this.. you look so pretty'
Steven: 'I feel like less of a man'
Lor: 'That's nonsense! Look how pretty you are! You're just my pretty lil baby boy yes you are!'
::IM sounds::
Lor: 'I'll be right back Steve.. we need to have a serious talk.'
Steven: '.....about?'
Lor: 'Panty hose.. and how all the men are wearing them these days.'
Steven: 'OH COME ON'
::Lor walks to computer::
Mel: 'LOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Lor: 'Wha? I'm sort of.. busy.'
Mel: 'ART'S RAPPING'
Lor: 'Whoa.. dude.. okay..'
Mel: 'We're flying to L.A. to tell Art he has to become the next white rapper.'
Lor: 'Can I come?'
Mel: 'You would be pissed if I gave you a small part... so sure! Okay!'
Lor: 'I'll tell the others!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Scene 3: Time to get high.. in an airplane of course.
::Melissa and Holly sit in a cold, lonely airport::
Holly: 'Well gee.. this is awfully cold and lonely..'
Mel: 'I was just thinking that..'
::a man walks by::
Holly: 'Hey.. look at that man walking by..'
Mel: 'What about him?'
Holly: 'I don't know.. he's just so.. walking byish.'
Mel: 'Totally'
::Lor shows up::
::Melissa and Holly yell together, 'LOR!!!'::
Lor: 'Yo.. what up dawgs?'
Lor: 'So.. we gonna do this or what?'
Mel: 'Yeah dude.. just waiting for Cates, Chris, Katie, and MaryBeth'
::man walks by::
Lor: 'Wow.. what a jerk.. he acts like he's better than us.. just walking by like that..'
Holly; 'THAT'S WHAT I SAID!'
::Cate and MaryBeth show up::
Cate: 'Hey guys.. let's go.. I told my mom I'd be home before dinner'
MaryBeth: 'Hmmm.. I don't see that happening?'
::Katie and Chris show up::
Katie: 'Does this place have a gift shop?'
Cate: 'I'm not sure, why?'
Katie: 'Because.. everytime I go to an airport to fly to L.A. and tell Art he needs to be a rapper I pick up a souvenir'
::everyone looks blankly::
Chris: 'Let's go!'
::man walks by::
::MaryBeth pimps herself::
::man stops::
::man stares::
::MaryBeth pimps it up some more::
Lor: 'Um, 'scuse me mister.. we've noticed you've walked by us a few times now.. but why?'
Man: 'Well.. you can call me Harvey.'
Harvey: ::walks away:: (Hey, at least we know his name now.)
Scene 4: Reaching L.A.!!!!!!!!!
::plane lands::
::Cate stops screaming::
Cate: 'Sorry..'
Chris: 'No, really.. no big deal.. the first 4 hours went by slowly.. but then I became deaf in one ear and couldn't hear you. So everything is hunky dorey'
::Everyone leaves airport::
Holly: 'Now.. where are we going to find Art?'
::everyone looks scared::
MaryBeth: I.. I.. I thought one of you knew? What are we going to do for money? Where will we go for shelter? WHAT WILL BECOME OF US? WILL WE LIVE TO SEE TOMORROW? WILL WE LIVE TO SEE OUR CHILDREN GROW?'
::man walks by::
Lori: 'Oh god.. not him again.. will this happen the whole time?'
Marybeth and Cate: *Stalker*
Katie: 'Hey.. that.. looks.. just like.. Art?'
Chris: 'What are the odds heh'
Mel: 'What's that supposed to mean?'
Chris: 'Oh nothing.. it's just funny how everytime we go on one of these crazy adventures we just happen to bump into Art.. or someone else from Everclear.'
Cate: 'Isn't it ironic?'
Holly: 'Don't cha think?'
::Cate and Holly giggle::
Scene 5: ART ATTACK!
Lor: 'Anyway.. let's go say hi..'
Holly: 'I think MaryBeth already beat us to it..'
::MaryBeth is now clutched to Art's leg::
Marybeth: 'THANK YOU ART! WE THOUGHT WE WERE GOING TO DIE! NOW I'LL GET TO SEE MY CHILDREN GROW UP!!!'
::Art looks slightly confused::
Art: 'Aww.. What are their names? And what'd I do?'
Marybeth: 'Well.. I don't have children yet.. but if things go well.. I'll have some soon.. ::wink wink nod nod::.. ::MaryBeth pimps herself::
Mel: 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
::all the others watch the free show::
::Except for Cate who is now on her knees praying for MaryBeth's soul::
Mel: 'STOP THAT!'
Art: 'Hehehehehehe I feel like a school girl hehe I mean, ahem, STOP THAT'
::MaryBeth is now hurt::
Lor: 'Well dude.. if it means anything.. that was some of the best pimpin' I've ever seen..'
Chris: 'Yeah dude.. I agree. That was top notch.'
::Marybeth perks up::
Mel: 'So Art.. we traveled all over the U.S. to tell you something..'
Art: 'Yes?'
Mel: 'Oh crap.. I forgot.. that man at the airport discombobulated me.'
Chris: 'Harvey dude, Harvey'
Lor: 'LET HARVEY GO. IT'S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE MEL.'
Mel: 'Fine, geez.. '
Katie: 'Okay.. so Art.. what we wanted to know is, what's Davey's address?'
Art: 'Huh? Did he say you could have it?'
Katie: 'Ooooooof course!'
Art: 'Well.. okay then!'
::Art starts to tell when Mel remembers::
Mel: 'ART BE A RAPPER'
::Art stops suddenly::
Katie: 'Okay.. I now officially hate you.'
Mel: 'Wha?'
Katie: 'I'm going home.'
Art: 'You think I could be a rapper? Really? ::Art perks up:: I THOUGHT THE SAME THING! BUT THE FELLAS LAUGHED AT ME!'
Chris: 'Fellas? Hahahahaha okay then..'
Art: 'Come on guys! You all need to hear my new beats! it's tight! The cd is over at Davey's crib!'
::Katie turns around suddenly::
Katie: 'Well.. what are we waiting for? LET'S GO!'
Mel: 'SHOT GUN!!!!!!!'
MaryBeth: 'I thought you were leaving?'
Katie: 'Me? ::cough cough:: leaving? What? No! ::lights dim::.. ::light shines on Katie::.. ::soft music plays in the background::.. ::this is Katie's big scene:: I think Art wanting to become a rapper is inspirational. I mean, It shows you that you can do anything you want if you put your mind to it. My great grandfather once told me, 'Katie.. you can do whatever you want just as long as you put your mind to it. Now get me my ointment.' And not until tonight, did I realize how powerful those words were.. I guess everyone needs a little hope in this world.. and Art is my hope.. the world has blessed us with such a role model, and we must embrace it.'
::Katie looks up::
::she realizes she was talking to herself and everyone is already in Art's pimp mobile::
Katie: 'WAIT FOR ME!!!!!!! I NEED TO GO TO DAVEY'S HOUSE, LIKE, NOW!'
Lor: 'So what were you saying back there anyway?'
Katie: 'I don't know. I forgot. Something about gophers I think. LET'S GO SEE DAAAAAVEY'
Holly: ::breaks in song:: 'We're off to see the Davester.. the wonderful Davester of EC..'
Chris: 'Dude that's lame..'
Holly: 'IT IS NOT'
Cates: 'Well.. yeah.. it was sorta lame..'
Holly: 'Omg.. okay.. whatever.. and whose parents are paying for this trip again?'
Lor: 'I don't know.. whose?'
Mel: 'It's in scene 1 dude'
Lor: 'Oh.. oh yeah!'
Holly: 'Mmmmmm hmmmmm.. are we there yet?'
Chris: 'No'
Holly: 'Are we there yet?'
Art: 'No'
Holly: 'Okay.. we have soooo got to be there now'
Everyone: 'NO'
Holly: 'Ew, okay, whatever.. I'll just entertain myself somehow.. ::goes through the stuff in the car::'
Holly: 'Whoa.. check me out..'
::Holly puts on pimp hat, feather and all::
Holly: 'Now.. if only I had something else to go with my look.. ::checks under seat:: COOL! COP GLASSES! YEAH!'
Art: 'Uh.. those aren't mine. I'm holding on to them for G-funk'
MaryBeth: 'Who?'
Art: 'Well.. I figured.. Eminem has Dr. Dre.. and Biggie had Puffy.. and I just think Art and G-Funk sound nice is all.'
Katie: 'Do we know this G-Funk?'
Art: 'Well.. sort of.. yeah..'
Cates: 'Ooooooo what does he sing?'
Art: 'Well um.. it's sort of Greg..'
Holly: 'Greg wants to be a rapper?'
Art: 'Are you kidding me? Greg has some funky beats yo. He has his groove thang on twenty fo' seven'
::everyone stays silent::
Holly: 'Are we there yet?'
Scene 6: DAVEY'S CRIB!!!!!
Art: 'We're heeeeeeeere!'
Katie: ::Jumps out of car and tramples Chris::
Katie: 'Omgomgomgomgomgomg I'm at Davey's omgomgomgomg is he home? omgomgomg I love what he's done to the place! omgomgomg Can I "borrow" this pink flamingo? omgomgomg'
Chris: 'What would you do with Davey's pink flamingo?'
Katie: 'What wouldn't I do!!!'
::Lor knocks on the door::
Lor: 'Davey? DAAAAAVEYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!'
::Davey opens the door wearing nothing but a towel::
Davey: 'Sorry, just got out of the shower..'
::Katie faints::
Davey: 'Is she okay?!'
Marybeth: 'Yep.. she does it all the time. So anyway, we're your fans. And we came to tell you, that you need to be a rapper'
::Art looks hurt::
Art: 'What? G-funk and I aren't good enough for you?'
Mel: 'No no no.. you guys are plenty.. I would buy your rap cd even if it was just you. You'll make such a great rapper.. I can't wait to hear your beats..'
::Chris, MaryBeth, and Lori make sucking up sounds::
Art: 'Really?! Ya think? MAYBE I SHOULD DROP G-FUNK! GO SOLO!'
::bushes rattle::
::Greg jumps out in a yellow Adidas jump suit::
Greg: 'WHAT? A.P. Mc Pimp HOW COULD YOU!!!!!'
Cates: 'A.P. Mc Pimp? COOOOOOOOL'
Art: 'I'm sorry G. I meant to tell you and all.. but I was just so busy drinking my 40s I forgot.. don't front'
::Greg runs away crying::
::everyone feels bad::
Scene 7: Big Pimpin.. spreadin the cheese. ACTION! ACTION! ACTION!
::Katie remains on the ground passed out::
Davey: 'What's wrong with her?'
Chris: ::grins:: 'I think she needs mouth to mouth'
Cate: 'NO'
Art: 'Oh geez.. do you mind if I... not watch?'
Mel: 'Sure Art... we can distract ourselves while Davey is saving Katie's life. ::gives devilish look::'
Art: 'Oh yeah? How'
Mel: 'One word.. CHECKERS!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE GOING DOWN OLD MAN!' ::runs in Davey's house and raids fridge::
::Mel and Art get into a heated game of checkers::
Lor: 'Wow.. how.. exciting?'
MaryBeth: 'Ha yeah.. you go get him tiger!'
Mel: 'I know! Look at me pimp it up! ::cheesy grin::'
::now, back to Katie and Davey::
Davey: 'Hey..? Hello? Pssssssst?'
Katie: '___________'
Lor: 'Davey.. she's dying.. better kiss her.. er.. give her mouth to mouth'
::Katie snaps to and over hears what's going on::
::Davey looks at Katie::
::Katie closes eyes and pretends to be out of it::
Davey: 'Hey! Maybe they'll give me a medal! Maybe I'll be in the paper!!! I'll be famous!'
Holly: 'But.. aren't you already famous?'
Davey: 'You kidding me? ::glares at Art::'
::Art looks up::
Art: 'Wha?' ::cheezit spittle flies::
Davey: 'Well.. here goes..'
::Davey leans in::
::Davey gets closer::
::Davey's face is two inches away from Katie's face::
::Davey closes eyes::
::are you feeling the excitment yet?::
::Davey gives mouth to mouth::
::Katie jumps up and wraps her arms around Davey::
Davey: 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH'
Cates: 'WHOA!'
Holly: 'OH MY GOD'
Katie: 'Daaaaaaaaaaavey I'll never let you gooooooo'
Davey: 'Can't.. breathe.. cutting.. off.. circulation.. feeling.. weak..'
Marybeth: 'Ahhhhhhhh! Let him go! He can't breathe!'
Katie: 'Neveeeeeeeer! ::evil laugh:: Davey, the flamingo, and I are running away together!'
Lor: 'Oh god.. Davey's turning blue you guys'
::Davey swings around in circles trying to break Katie loose::
::Davey tramples over the neighbor's lawn knome::
::Davey's towel is falling off::
(Dare I go there?)
::Davey's towel drops::
::Katie lets go to pick up the towel::
Katie: 'I HAVE DAVEY'S TOWEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK AT ME YOU GUYS! I'M SUPER KATIE! ::uses towel as cape and pretends to fly around Davey's lawn::'
::Truamatized Davey runs in the house crying::
Marybeth: 'Hey? hello? Remember me you guys?
Everyone: 'Oh yeah! hey!'
Marybeth: 'Well.. I was thinking.. this adventure is almost over.. and Mel looks really tired.. and um.. I still haven't seen Cra..'
Craig: 'Hey guys'
Holly: 'That was weird..'
Lor: 'For sure'
Criag: 'So I was just in the neighborhood..'
Cates: 'Mmmm hmmm..'
::Craig calls out to Davey::
Craig: 'DAAAAAAVEY! DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO EAT? I'M STARVING!'
::Craig checks fridge but see's it's empty::
::Art burps::
Art: 'Sorry dude.. checkers makes a man hungry..'
Mel: 'Yeah, sorry we ate everything..'
Craig: 'Ugh.. fine, cool, whatever.. I'm going to Ole' Taco'
::Everyone nudges MaryBeth::
MaryBeth: 'OW YOU GUYS.. oh.. wait.. I get it..'
MaryBeth: 'Craig? Um, may I please come dine with you? I know this really nice Mexican place near my corner and it's open all night.'
Craig: 'Your corner?'
Marybeth: 'Long story..'
Craig: 'Okay! let's go!'
MaryBeth: 'Omg.. omg.. omg.. omg.. omg.. omg.. omg.. BYE GUYS. ART BE A RAPPER. CHRIS I'M SORRY YOU'RE DEAF. LOR GOODLUCK WITH STEVEN. KATIE YOU KISSED DAVEY! WOO. AND FINALLY, CATES YOU'LL HAFTA DO A LOT OF PRAYING FOR MY SOUL AFTER THIS. BYE!'
::MaryBeth jumps in the car and they leave::
Lor: 'Uh.. um.. what did she uh.. mean by, 'goodluck with Steven'?
Mel: ::looks innocent:: 'I dunno.'
Holly: 'You guys.. I just realized something'
::Katie stops spinning around::
Katie: 'Wha?'
Holly: 'Her corner is 3157.3 miles from here.. it would take them 58 hours and 49 mins to reach that taco stand.' ::god bless Yahoo maps::
Mel: 'So.. we're never seeing her again?'
Cates: 'Pretty much..'
Art: 'Wonder if Craig knows.. doesn't matter if he does.. that man will drive anywhere for a decent burrito'
Lori: 'Well Art.. we better get going.. it's getting late..'
Chris: 'Yeah man, Jill has probably claimed the CD player in my room by now..'
Art: 'Ok.. well thanks my peeps for da 411. I will be a rappa yo. Check me and my style out on Mtv Jams! PEACE!'
::Art gets in pimp mobile::
::Art drives off::
Mel: 'Hey.. here's a question.. HOW ARE WE GONNA GET BACK TO THE AIRPORT? OUR RIDE JUST LEFT!'
::Davey opens door wearing 4 coats, 3 layers of pants, 5 pairs of socks, and a scarf::
Davey: 'I'll take you guys..'
::Katie faints::
Lor: 'OH NO SHE'S DYING AGAIN!'
::Davey picks Katie up and throws her in the back::
Davey: 'Not this time guys.. she's had enough Davey action for now'
Scene 8: Happy trails to you.. until we meet again..
::At the airport::
Davey: 'Bye guys! It was nice meeting you all!'
Everyone: 'Bye Davey!!!!!'
::Davey drives off::
Cates: 'Wait.. where's Katie?'
Lor: 'I thought Chris had her?'
Chris: 'I thought Mel did!'
Mel: 'LOOK! ::points at Davey's car where a head popped up in the backseat::'
Everyone: 'She's still in the car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!'
Lor: 'Does he know????'
Holly: 'OH NO! WE SHOULD STOP HIM!'
Mel: 'Just let it go dude.. let it go..'
::Katie turns around and waves bye to everyone::
::Everyone waves back::
::Davey still hasn't noticed::
Holly: 'She's a cool girl that Katie..'
::Everyone flies home::
Scene 9: So... what happened?
::6 months later Mel is flipping through channels::
Carson Daly: 'Today G- Funk and da crew is at #3 on the countdown'
::mouth drops as she sees Greg, now sporting a gold tooth rapping about his thugs::
Mel: 'Well I'll be.. he's actually pretty good..'
::We now go back to Texas where Lor is reading the paper::
Lor: 'Hey Stev-ani look at this!!!!!!'
Stev-ani: ::high heels clap against the floor as s/he walks over::
Lor: 'Art is going to be in his own show on B.E.T!!!!!'
Lor: 'It's about a black man growing up in the hood.. STARRING ART!'
Stev-ani: 'What part does he play?'
Lor: 'THE LEAD!'
Stev-ani: 'Wow.. that is so cool. Hey, do these shoes match with my purse?'
Lor: 'Yesh babe.. you're muh pretty lil boy aren't you!'
Stev-ani: 'Why yes, yes I am. I'm so pretty. So very pretty'
::and now to the south where Holly is watching Much Music::
Much Music: 'And in today's news.. Missing Everclear bassist, Craig Montoya has been found! Apparently for the last 6 months he was driving around in circles trying to find a little taco stand with a unknown partner.. and let's go to him now via satellite dish in Mexico'
Craig: 'I just wanted a taco man.. that's all.. ::whimper:: and this girl made me get matching tattoos.. ::a single tear falls down Craig's cheek:: and she wouldn't take no for an answer.. ::breaks down:: I feel so violated!!!!!'
Much: 'What does your tattoo say?'
Craig: 'MaryBeth's'
Much: 'Well.. what does hers say?'
Craig: 'Hers says 'bitch' ::breaks into tears::'
Much: 'MaryBeth's Bitch? ::chuckle::'
Craig: 'I.. I can't go on anymore. INTERVIEW OVER!' ::storms out::
::at home in Philadelphia, Cates pours herself a glass of milk and glances at the back of the carton to a picture of Davey.::
'Have You Seen Me?'
Last seen with: Katie ______
If you've seen either of these people, please call: 1-800-The-Lost
::gasp::
The End.
Davey
Katie (Me, a huge Davey fan)
Melissa (an Everclear fan, a huge Art fan)
Marybeth (a huge Craig fan)
Lorraine (an Everclear fan)
Holly (an Everclear fan)
Chris (an Everclear fan)
Steve (Lorraine's boyfriend)
Cate (an Everclear fan)
Art
Craig
Greg
You do realize Davey is a married man, don't you Katie? Yes..... yes I do. And I completely respect his wife and his marriage. This is all in fun. Besides, I didn't write it!! Haha... ;)
If you have any other questions, let me know! Now on with the play :)
Davey Loprinzi
age: 32ish
Height: an inch taller than Art (ha)
Weight: Normal
Last seen: In an airport, July 11th
Age: 18
Height: 5'7ish
Weight: 120ish
Last seen: In an airport, in the back of Davey's car, July 11th.
