Let's face it...the world is full of idiots.
And these idiots are in DESPARATE need of advice.
So, all hail Strobe, the Queen of advice and everything else good and right as she helps all us idiots we our problems!!!
Dear Advice Master Guru,
I have some terrible problems, and I need to share them with you because I
know you would have the answers to them because you are all knowing.
First of all, I have lepracy on my hands. They keep peeling and peeling and
I'm afraid that they are just going to rot off. That would be gross, and
I'd never catch the man of my dreams, Brad Pitt with them.
Second, I am hosting the crimson flow, and i thought I was dried up. This
sucks. I know it will be over soon, but I thought you could commiserate.
Third, I have lepracy or small pox or anthrax or something in my nose. It
will not go away. The doctor said its in my head. So I'm going to a head
shrinker. Do you think the shrink will know what's wrong with my nose? Do
you think she'll actually LOOK in it to see if there's a problem? Also, do
you think my nose issues can be causing my hand lepracy?
Fourth, its only monday and i want it to be at least thursday. i do
however, look forward to taking a walk with my best Pal, Strobe tonight,
around lake eola. We are going to practice the torch run.
Please help me your highness. I know not what to do.
Also, in your infinite wisdom, can you tell me how Strobe did at the
dentist?
Love Always,
Mr. Chips
**************
Dear Mr. Chips,
You are correct, of course I am all knowing. And while I probably have a crapload of work to do (you know, the AMG is in high demand) your problems take presidence.
The lepracy on your hands is in retaliation to the hives you had the previous week. How do I know you had hives last week? Need you ask? I'm the all knowing Advice Master Guru, ofcourse! I would suggest using some good lotion. If this doesn't work, it's too bad, your hands will fall off. But then you can be considered handicapped and sit in the front row of all Backstreet Boys concerts.
The crimson flow is definitely a pain in the you-know-what, but fear not, it will dry up shortly. If not, you will surely bleed to death. But then you can become a ghost and spy on Nickarter in the shower.
The problem with your nose may be from snorting too much coke. The bubbles in the soda tend to irritate. To remedy this, please drink your soda through your mouth. If this doesn't clear up within a week, it's too bad, your nose will fall off. But then you can be considered handicapped and sit in the front row of all Backstreet Boys concerts.
If you have a DeLorean time machine, you can take it into the future where it will be thursday. If you don't have one, may I advise you to go for that walk with your Pal, Strobe, drink some wine and watch Backstreet #1.
This should help you in your time of need. Take solice in my advice, it is worthless...I mean, priceless.
Strobe told me to tell you that she has not gone to the dentist yet, but will be meandering over there...kicking and screaming...in about a half hour.
My the force be with you,
AMG
****************
Dear Strobe, Queen of Advice,
I'll make it simple: I'm attracted to guys with facial twitches. It started a long time ago with Joey Mac and his "head thing" and now? I'll be damned if I don't get turned on every time I see Howie wink. Help???
Sincerely,
T.W.Itcher
**************
Dear T.W.,
So, you have a little fetish for facial ticks...so what? Everybody has their little quirks, this just happens to be yours. May I suggest twitching your head or winking like the men you find so attractive, cuz maybe they do it to attract women like you!
Keep it real,
Strobe
*************
Dear Advice Master Guru,
I, uh, I have a problem and it's very embarssing. My uh...let's call it winkey, pretty much, has a, mind of it's own, shall we say? I have trouble controlling it when, uh, I'm singing and when there's a harness around my waist. I know you're wondering why I wear a harnes...let's just call it an occupational hazard. And lately, when I'm playing chicken in a pool...well, it just seems to slip out from under my trunks. It's really embarassing. I mean, websites and stuff make fun of it... What should I do? Please help me.
Much Love,
X. Ited Much
a.k.a. Hangin Owt Mashorts
**************
Dear, X. Ited Much, a.k.a. Hangin Owt Mashorts,
I see that you do have a very embarrassing problem. Well, I mean, I don't see, well I do, but I don't enjoy it too much....oh damn. The Advice Guru needs advice now. Listen, Mr. Much, I know this is embarrassing for you, but you have...oh, let's call it a gift...that not many other people have. And if this harness is an "occupation hazard" like you say, then I say "Enjoy it!" I think a lot of other people do! As for when you are referred to as Mr. Mashorts, try and control your winkey then, or may I suggest being on the bottom of the chicken pair?
Don't worry to much about the websites and stuff...while they may make fun of it, I think they'd miss it if it was gone...
Hang Loose,
Strobe Master Advice Guru
***************
Dear Strobe Master Advice Guru:
I have a problem. I am in love with an 11 year old boy. This would be fine, if I myself were 11 years old.
But I am not. In fact, I am 21 years old. But Guru, you must believe me when I say that this boy is FINE.
He can sing and dance, and he's just so smart and nice and REALLY mature for his age. Plus, he's single.
I know his mother would never approve of us. But everytime I've met him, there's been this, I don't know,
special spark! Please help me Master Strobe. He's all I think about...What should I do?
Yours,
Child M. Lester
*******************
Dear Ms. Child M. Lester,
I can understand that this is a problem...my advice? Put him in a box
and take him out in seven years and have your way with him.
Yours,
The Advice Master Guru
HOME
Email: ninasfeet@aol.com
