Hi ! You've reached Nick and Kel
We'reum *giggle*busy right now
So just leave it at the beep
BEEP


Nick's arm was slung over his eyes but quickly reached over and pounded the 'erase' button on the machine. He didn't want to hear from anybody, he just wanted to forget about everything that had happened and everything he felt. He wanted to be numb and that's what the bottle in his other hand was for.


The potent liquid burned going down but he swallowed several gulpfuls before pulling it away from his lips with a grimace. He squinted and looked down at the bottle, immediately leaning his head back against the sofa cushions and fighting the sob that was rising in his throat.


She had bought him that bottle for his birthday three years ago when he barely knew her, and even after they'd gotten together, she had always teased him about not being man enough to drink it. Truth was, he had been a little intimidated by the Bacardi 151, knowing that such a high alcohol content was sure to fuck him up good but he wasn't worried about that now. She was dead and nothing would change that. Fucked up was exactly what he wanted to be.


Initially he had fought to keep his thoughts of Kelly from his mind. Knowing that he'd never see her again just made it too painful to even visualize her face. But as midday turned to evening and evening turned to night, the effects of the rum made him cease his internal struggle and he had finally let the tears fall freely as he mentally replayed their life together from start to finish.


He reviewed every detail from what she had worn on the day they met, to the smell of her hair as he held her after making love, to the look on her face the first time he sang to her at a concert, to the feel of her lips as she kissed him goodbye for the last time.


The last time.


He hated to cry and seldom did yet even as he squeezed his eyes shut tight, the tears rolled down his cheeks in big drops.


He sure was crying now.


"Why ?" he croaked meekly into the silence, picking at the edges of the bottle's label in frustration. She had been young she had been happy she had been everything he'd ever wanted. Well, at least he knew that now.


The ache in his heart was magnified by the realization that she'd never know. Never actually be aware of how much he'd loved her. Sure, he'd uttered the words, on more than one occasion, but they'd never had the significance they did now that she was gone. He'd said the words but never really felt them.


If he'd only known.


His fingers squeezed the neck of the glass bottle to the point that he thought it would burst in his grasp.


It wasn't fair. What gave some drunk asshole the right to take her from him ? To just crash into her car and rip her out of his life.


He squeezed his eyes shut tight again trying to stop the flow of tears but felt them burning behind his eyelids anyway. He should've been with her, maybe he could've stopped the whole thing. Maybe, if he'd been the one driving, they'd still be together. Maybe his body could've sheltered her own and he could have saved her.


Maybe he could have died with her.


The thought gnawed at him in the back of his drunken mind. He had shoved it into the far recesses of his psyche so as to not haunt himself with the idea, but now, in his inebriated state he couldn't hide from it any longer. He probably could have saved herit was his fault she was gone.


His sorrow was slowly transforming into rage as he rubbed the base of his palms against his closed eyes. "You fucked up, Carterit's your fault she's goneKevin can't fix this one for youyou really fucked up this time". He rocked back and forth with his arms clutched around his head as if to keep the offending thoughts away but there was no use, the voices in his head were deafening to the point of driving him crazy.


"Oh God please help me please".


God. Who was he kidding, God wasn't going to do a damn thing for him.


Kelly had believed in God. Put her faith and trust in Him and look where it had gotten her. No, he knew God wasn't going to help him because he wasn't as loving and compassionate as everyone had always led him to believe. He was unfeeling and selfish.


Well, fuck him too.