Part 10: Not Alone

When she had been younger, Mass had always comforted Miranda, even on her worst days. Today, unfortunately, was not one of those days. It hadn’t been one of those days in years. As a little girl, she had been filled with wonder about God and Heaven, yet these days, days of upheaval and uncertainty, she had lost all awe and the only thing she really wondered about was if God was dead. She listened to the sermon but did not hear it, feel it, as she should with her heart. She twirled her long dark hair around a perfectly manicured finger. She couldn’t stop a yawn that crept to her throat. Miranda imagined she could lie down there, on the uncomfortablepew, and take a nap.

Saturday evening masses were twice as boring, felt like they were twice as long. Miranda wondered if she should balance her checkbook. And then, creeping into her head she found a thought that horrified her. Maybe its not God who’s dead, maybe its you.

*****

It was like that dream had been. He was sinking. Sinking back into everything that had been wrong before I came to him. Woman after woman, night after night, drink after drink, hit after hit.

Nickolas was angry. Angier than ever. And worse now he was alone and he knew it, felt it, lived it every day. No guide to lead him or comfort him when he was feeling at his worst. God had been so alive for him, so bright and burning and vast, but it had all been through his Sunshine. And now? As far as Nick was concerned, God was dead.

*****

Everything around me was frozen, white capped mountains and snowy hills. White clouds that covered blue sky. Snow flakes that fell on my cheeks and eyelashes. Everything new, washed white and pure.

I knelt on the ground, feeling the crisp air, but no cold. I took a deep breath, my spirit had been reborn.

I had tried not to think about him. I knew that others who loved Nickolas had been watching over him. I knew that he was disillusioned and outraged. Yet somewhere, deep inside of me, where I was equal to him, I knew he would be alright, that he’d never try to break contract again, that eventually, he would live his life the way it was meant to be lived.

Needless to say, things had been altered. His path was off course. Everything had been thrown into disarray. The two of us needed to communicate, to plan, to fix what we had damaged. I knew he could not see me, at least not consciously. And so finally, when I was ready, I left the immaculate blanket that in which I had been dwelling and returned to Nick where he could hear me, feel me, yet never really know.

*****

The girl in the bed didn’t bother me. She was just a girl, make up smudged under her eyes, hair strewn to all sides. Quite young, probably quite taken with the young heart throb who had taken her into the throws of ecstasy. The quick throws, but ecstasy none the less. She had passed out from exhaustion and drink and cocaine. She was snoring. I was embarrassed for her, knew that she had given of herself and would never hear from him again.

I supposed those were Nick’s rules. It was too bad she didn’t know them, for she probably would have never even ventured a night with him. She had probably thought that perhaps she could take that brooding look off his face, make him happy, be his girlfriend.

But she wasn’t in Nick’s cards.

Nick or I didn’t even know that at this point.

The girl didn’t feel my presence, and nor did Nick. I had guarded myself that way. I had made sure I’d come on a night when he was sleeping heavier than normal. A dreamless night where he saw only blackness behind his eyes, where the heaviness in his heart and mind did not subside, but only dragged him under in exanimate exhaustion.

I knelt down to face him. His cheeks were so soft, like a baby’s. I stroked the one facing upward, away from the pillow, with the back of my index finger, feeling the very fine hair tickle me. He breathed deeply. I closed my eyes and moved my hand to the back of his neck, touching the skin gently, scratching very softly. I closed my eyes. We needed to find one another.

*****

This wasn’t even a place, it was more a wide open space of emptiness. He was walking toward me, quicker and quicker as he realized what was happening, shielding his eyes from the brightness of the air, of what encircled us. His voice echoed when he called out, “Aurora?”.

I continued walking toward him.

When we met, we both wanted to embrace, but we did not. “We really messed up, Sunshine, didn’t we? I should have listened to you from the start, should have been content with you waiting at Home for me. I should have known that we’d get mixed up together...I mean...we always do.” I put my finger to his lips to quiet him a bit.

I smiled. “You’re going to be fine. She’s out there. Confused just like you. God and I found her. Now its your time to. And don’t worry, love. I’m right there. Right beside you, as I’ve always been.” I blinked and we were back in his hotel room. The girl stirred a little. She was waking and it was time for me to go.

He would find her soon. Perhaps even that night. She was a spirit he had never known. A soul that had never intertwined with his own. But they were right. They would make each other happy, and when their life was over, they would both come Home to spirits that matched their own.

She would be searching in the faces, just as he was. And the magnet that was the Father would make it impossible for them not to find one another.

Until then, Nick would have no spirits to visit him. And eventually, when it didn’t hurt his human form any longer, when he had really found what he needed on earth, I would come to him again. But in the meantime, I’d always be watching.