"As the full moon rises in the black, starlit sky; as the wind moans through the claw-like branches of the trees; as the fire casts flickering, dancing shadows against the wall; I will tell you my story. My story is one of mystery and deception; of conspiracies and greed. Beware the ones who say my story is untrue--for they are the ones who have already been transformed into mindless, empty, trusting human puppets! The tale begins with one. One object that may look like a harmless writing utensil, but is really a powerful weapon of mass destruction! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…the BIC pen.
Ah! You seem to recognize the name! Perhaps you have one of the BICs at home--or one with you this very moment. As they say, let the buyer beware, for I know something about BIC pens that none of you could imagine in your wildest dreams. What is that terrible secret? Only something that lurks in your darkest nightmares. All the same, I shall tell you--and you will be forever in debt to me for keeping you from the miserable fate of becoming an ignorant, mindless pawn of the government!
Yes, the government!
But before I delve into the twisted minds of our government officials, let me ask you a question: Do you know what BIC stands for? Do you? No? Well, I'll tell you what BIC stands for. BIC is an acronym for Bionic Internal Camera. Do not gasp in surprise! It makes perfect sense! Why else would they show a little man with a round black dot for a head on each pen? A dot?! No, that is not a dot. More like a tiny lens for the video camera inside the pen. It's recording! Always recording! It records everything around it, and then sends news of your every action across the world! But what does "bionic" have to do with it, you ask? It does not mean that the camera is controlled by biomatter--that would be to far-fetched. The term refers to the fact that the little man, whose head is the lens for the camera, has almost become human, even god-like in the eyes of the pen's creators! Although he is a mere ink splotch of a man, indented in plastic, the creators of BIC have gradually gone insane--until their tortured minds view the BIC man as a living being! However, as heinous and appalling as that sounds, there is something worse to be considered in the battle against the BICs.
The government.
Have you ever wondered how the FBI gets so much information about the citizens of the United States--and even the world? Do you shiver when you think about just how much they know about you? Well, shiver and shudder and tremble in your shoes, for they know so much more about us than you think. Once again, it is caused by those odious pens! Those horrible, wretched, despicable pens! Everything the camera sees is sent directly to the US government, where wealthy, cigar-smoking individuals watch millions, no--even billions of television screens day and night, keeping a close watch on the misguided owners of the BIC pens. Think carefully! What have you done under the intruding gaze of a BIC pen? Do you want a wealthy government official watching those things while sipping his morning coffee and eating a cheese strudel? Who knows what they know about us?
Yes, the government is sly, but we have one advantage--we know they are there, lurking in the aisles of office supply stores; in the hands of colleagues and friends. Watching. Always watching. With this knowledge, we can fight back! We will not be unknowing pawns of a sadistic, conspiring government and pen company! We shall overcome!
So now, I humbly call on you, ladies and gentlemen. We shall not be shackled to the government's cruel bondage! We will strike back! So, my friends, I beg of you, give me your pens! Send them to me as a sacrifice to the shadow government! And then--then we shall watch them burn! A blazing fire made up of the very objects the government sent out to destroy our uniqueness and humanity! Imagine their faces as they watch their view screens' images blocked by flames! But that is not all--we must also tell the world our tale--the tale of the BICs; the truth about the seemingly innocent writing utensils. No one must be an ignorant pawn of the government! We shall crush these infringements on the rights of the people! We shall!
But beware the BICs, my friends and compatriots. Beware the BICs, for the government will not tolerate our cause. Be on your guard, be ever watchful; for the BICs are watching you."
--The Jellyfish
Back to Fan Fiction, Short Stories, Prose, and Other Meaningless Nonsense
Back to The Little Blue Notebook
Back to the Domain