(Not So) Frequently Asked Questions

Everything that you never wanted to know...

Q: You find yourself alone, two inches tall, inside a very large empty vat. Water is pouring in from the top at an alarming rate as eerie violin music plays in the background. My question is: What kind of music does this make you think of, why, and if you had to be eating a Jelly Filled Donut at that particular time, what flavour would it be, and why?

A: Cranberries, Sarah McLachlan...oh my Toaster, the walls are closing in on me! The water pouring in...who's that lady on a black dress in a boat drawing all over the walls? Scully? Wait a second, why is Scully eating an onion filled doughnut? Oh, wait, that's not Scully, that's me! And where's this violin music coming from? It's creeping me out, man. And why is the water up to my waist? I don't like this...NEXT QUESTION!!!!

Q: You find yourself in the middle of a war between the Toasters and the microwaves. The Toaster has strange and unusual, but really coolarific people supporting them, and the microwaves have the "normal" people supporting them. Which side would you support and what would you do to the opposing side to make them lose the war?

A: *blinks* As much as I love the Toaster, I'd probably lead the blender brigade to the rescue. Then the microwaves wouldn't stand a chance. With the blenders taking their blades out and putting them in the Toasters' slots for the Toasters to shoot at the microwaves, I can just see all the microwave shrapnel spilling into the streets...heh heh heh, what a beautiful sight that would be...anyways, next?

Q: If you were locked in a room with only food and water for an entire month, what would you do to amuse yourself?

A: Well, gee, that's a tough question. What I'd end up doing is taking a sharp food object and pricking my finger and writing stories all over the walls and the floor and such in my blood. When I ran out of room, I'd probably just sit in my little corner and have a rare philosophical moment in which I'd discover the meaning of life, and then promptly forget it. By the time people let me out I'd be such an introvert that I'd suffer from social anxiety disorder and refuse to be around large groups of people under any circumstances. Speech therapy might be needed too come to think of it...

Q: If you woke up and it was still night, and there were people in your room, very pale, like dead or something, and they were chanting,"We're gonna get you..." in really spooky voices, but you were chained to the bed, what would you say or do?

A: I'd probably start chanting a protection spell while wondering which one of my summonings went wrong, who was playing with my Ouija board, or if my dead sister came back to haunt me. When they actually got to me I'd probably realize they were old friends and have a grand old time talking with them.

Q: You're in a room with EW ways out. If you go one way you'll find all the Dark Lords of the Sith waiting for their new torture subject. If you go into another, you'll find hordes of microwaves (larger than normal) and evil Katchinas (life size!) waiting for their next sacrifice. In the last, you find Barney and his friends waiting for a new playmate. You are armed only with a lightsaber that doesn't work (and there is no way to get it to work). Where do you go and what do you do? (And yes, you have to leave the room because government agents are shooting at you and getting closer every time.)

A: Excuse me, but what kind of idiot would sit around and actually spend time thinking up a stupid question like this? While I'd avoid the microwaves and Katchinas, I would either go see the Sith Lords for my daily lesson in Dark Side abilities or cast a spell on Barney and his friends that would make them die a thousand and one horrible deaths on film. Naturally I'd buy the rights to the video and sell it to anyone over the age of five, making millions of dollars and retiring comfortably to a secluded house in Vermont where I could study Wicca and write novels all day long.

Q: If you were forced either to kill your mother or sell your soul, what would you do?

A: Whoever said I had a soul to sell anyways? As for the rest of the question...no comment.

Q: What is the smallest payoff you'd accept for taking a 1 in 10 chance of dying?

A: Immortality...sorry, I couldn't resist. Actually, it probably wouldn't take very much to pay me off, I'm not really afraid of death. I'm more afraid of not dying and outliving everyone than dying before I have a chance to grow up and see the world.

Q: You have just found out that aliens from a planet well outside this solar system abducted you. You're under hypnosis. Tell me what you remember happening to you, what these aliens wanted, and what they look like.

A: MOM! DAD! I've missed you guys so much! Where have you been all these years? Oh, you wouldn't believe all that I've been through and how many time they've sworn that my parentage was this or that and then changed their minds. But tell me something, why aren't I blue like you guys? And tall? And why don't I have cool eyes and funky coloured hair? Hey, what do you mean I can't come with you? Is it because I'm part human? *sniff* So you just wanted to check in on me? No, don't leave! TAKE ME WITH YOU!!!!!!!!! *sobs* Don't leave me again....*cries in a corner for her alien parental units to take her away*

Q: You have three marbles. Each of the represents a world you don't know of. One is black, one is blue, and one is red. Two are populated, but one is not. You are required to destroy at least one of them and there is no way out of it. How do you tell the populated worlds from the one that isn't populated, and which do you destroy? (the marbles are symbolic. They are exact replicas of the world, except they are covered with a rather opaque covering of the colours I've said already.)

A: Blue is water, air, sky, anything that would seem to support carbon-based life. Red is lava, heat, fire, and some microorganisms can survive there, while black would indicate a vacuum, an absence of light and colour and life. At least those are the symbolism's I'd put with it. If I had some indication of how much they'd weigh in my hands and how hot they'd be I could make a better estimate, but I'd destroy the black one and hope for the best.

Q: If I brought you a dozen roses, a bottle of wine, a squeaky rubber duck and I smiled real nice, what's the percentage chance I could convince you to run off with me?

A: Who the heck are you and who the heck do you think I am? While the squeaky rubber duck is cute, I'd say the likely hood I'd run off with you is about 0 - .5% You'd have a better chance moving Mt. Rushmore than convincing me with just THAT.

Q: You wake up in the morning, in a bathtub filled with banana custard. What is your first thought?

A: Where am I...and what was that drink I has last night called?

Q: You are in a room with the following items: a can of air spray, a deck of cards, a tamagotchi, and a copy of the play "Romeo and Juliet" (paperback edition). There are no windows, doors, etc. How do you escape?

A: I'd smash the tamagotchi and use the parts to make a spark, which would set Romeo and Juliet on fire (no pun intended). I'd then start using the cards as matches to turn the air spray can into a blowtorch and torch the wall down. Easy as 2 + 2 = 5...I think...

Q: You've just been asked by US government to go on an espionage mission into Iraq. In turn they'll cover up a recent history of illegal gun smuggling. Do you accept?

A: Yeah, right. Like I'd trust them. They're out to get me, you know. It'd just be a ploy to get rid of me and all of my paranoid conspiratorial ramblings. I'd probably flee to Canada and let them make up all the stories they wanted about me, but I'd change my identity and hide from them. THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME! *ahem* Anyways...next?

Q: Someone puts you on a deserted island with enough life on it to sustain you for one full year, when they will return to pick you up. You're allowed to bring ONE thing with you, and it can't weigh more than ten ounces, and can't be a way off the island, or a way to make any more things, or a way to bring people there. What do you bring?

A: Ten ounces of paper and pencils to keep me busy. Plus then I could write letters to my friends telling them how bored I was and bore them to death too. ;-)

Q: Wha....t is your name, what.... is your quest, and what.... is the air-speed velocity of an unlaiden swallow?

A: My name is Dani...something or other. I don't even know what my name is anymore, really. My quest is to write something that will have an effect on the world, and the air-speed velocity of an unlaiden swallow is equal to the amount of Toast an airplane supercomputer can synthesize in a year.

Q: You wake up in a pool of blood that's not yours. You can't remember anything but you hear people yelling outside, there is a knife in your hand and a pile of what you can only guess to be the remains of bodies, what do you do?

A: Think "Oh shit, what did you do to me?" and attempt to slit my wrists with the knife before anyone finds me. If you can't beat 'em might as well join 'em.

Q: What if you woke up and a man in a dark suit has taken you to a dark castle and locked you in a cellar, all that is in there is the 2 loose bricks on the left and a big wooden stick (the bricks are rather small)what do you do to get out?

A: Finally, a new question! I'm so happy! Wait a sec...you said a man in a dark suit? SARAH! MAGGS! THEY FOUND ME!!!!!! HEEEEEELP! Oh wait, they can't hear me in here...hmmm...two bricks and a stick...well that's easy, I think it's time for smoke signals! The two bricks will allow me to control the fire I'll make with the stick and by focusing the sunlight through my glasses. Once the smoke signals are seen, Sarah, Maggs, and Mulder will come and save me from the big bad guy in the dark suit who hates lime green jello. Problem solved, and I didn't even use any magic!

Q: What if you had to choose living in a cold dark castle, (and you are allowed to write all day...wait and you have a laptop) or to keep your mother alive?

A: Ummm, I think Scully can pretty much fend for herself and doesn't exactly need my help to stay alive, since she can't exactly die. However, if you mean Marita, well, frankly, I think after surviving the black oil, she can survive pretty much anything. Besides, living in a cold dark castle with a laptop to write on all day is just too much to give up!

Q: If 5,000 monkies with Hepatitis C came flying at you from one direction, a cheerleading squad from another, and there were frog ovaries in between your toes, and your liver was being eaten by a man who can stretch himself through a keyhole, and jetskis have wheels, how many onion-dip-and-turkey-sandwiches could you eat before you died, and how much blood do you lose per minute? And where's the bathroom?

A: Well, for one thing, you're assuming I'd die, which I might, but considering last time I died I came back to life, I think it's unlikely that I'd stay dead. In any case, I'd be able to eat about 1/8th of an onion-dip-and-turkey sandwich because I tried one the other day and it was disgusting, I'd be losing approximately 2.68 pints of blood per minute, and the bathroom is around the corner to the left. Oh, and do you think you could bring me back some water? All this blood is making me thirsty.

What, no more meaningless questions? Well, if you have any more for me to answer, just email me and I'll see what I can do!

Back to the Domain