Disclaimer: Silly people, when will they remember these things? Maggs, I'll replace mine with your as soon as you get one. *points to Maggie* She doesn't own the X-Files, Mulder belongs to Scully, Scully belongs to Mulder, and they both belong to the fine feathered people down at 1013 Productions. Blah Blah Blah Blah, don't sure her, okay done.
Six Bags...one night
by Maggie Mulder
It was almost closing time at McMurphees Mall of America. Almost no one was left except for a few slow people, the store workers and two FBI agents.
"Stop! Federal agents!" the short red haired woman screamed, waving her gun around as she chased a nine foot tall, purple haired, pierced, Hot Topic employee towards the girls bathroom.
"You stop too! I have a gun!" the tall, brown haired man screamed, waving his gun around as he chased a nine foot tall, blue haired, pierced, Hot Topic employee towards the girls bathroom.
The agents and employees were still running as everyone else filed out of the mall. The employees ducked into the girls bathroom, and the FBI agents followed them in. The sound of toilets flushing filled the air, as suddenly, the employees disappeared.
The woman, Agent Dana Scully, stood breathless, and asked, "Mulder, why the hell were we chasing them?"
"They were aliens, Scully, I'm sure of it," Agent Fox Mulder replied.
The sound of a locking door came from behind them, and all the lights went out. Mulder screamed a girlish scream and hid under the sinks. Scully rolled her eyes and noted that the toilets were all glowing, giving the room a hazy, green light.
Scully ran to the door and started banging on it, yelling at the top of her lungs. After a few minutes she gave up and turned back to see Mulder in a fetal position cowering under the sinks. She sighed rather loudly and put her gun on the sink counter, then crouched down and shook Mulder's arm. "Jesus Mulder, you're thirty-something years old, you run around chasing aliens and put your life on the line every other second, so what the hell are you acting like a 3 year old for?"
"Mommy?" he asked. Scully groaned and slapped him hard across the face. He blinked and stood up quickly, smashing his head on the sink as he did so. "Are we locked in?" he asked in a slurred voice.
"Yes," Scully said, sighing rather loudly and pulling herself up to sit on the sink, knocking her gun down the drain as she did so. "BLOODY HELL!" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
Mulder stood up straight and rubbed his head. "What are all those bags?" he asked, noticing that about six shopping bags were lined up against one wall.
Scully glared at him. "Bags people left in here," she said, hopping off the sink and crouching under it, trying to open the pipes to retrieve her gun.
Intrigued, Mulder went over to the first bag and opened it gingerly. "Cool," he said, pulling out a pair of roller skates. "Just my size."
"Greeeat," Scully said, twisting the pipe. Dirty water sprayed all over her white shirt. "Dammit!" she screamed.
Mulder continued to pry through the bag and pulled out a pink feather boa and a tank top that said "Porn Star" on it. "Here, change into this," he offered, handing her the shirt and boa.
She took them. "Are you crazy?" she asked. The water continued to spray at her, and she realized that her legs were drenched too. So Mulder went back to a different bag and produced a pink, sequined hula skirt. "Come on Scully, you smell like shit and Squeeze New York. Just change."
Grumlbing, Scully took the clothes and slammed a stall door shut. "Mulder, close that damn pipe!" Mulder went over and succeeded in closing the pipe, but got drenched himself. Scully emerged, wearing the tank top which hung over her belly button, the hula skirt which dragged on the floor and the boa, which was tossed carelessly around her neck. "Hell Mulder, go change your clothes," she said, holding her nose.
Mulder dug around through the bags again. All he could find was a pink, plastic shirt that said, "I Accept All Major Credit Cards", and a purple polka dotted bikini bottom. "Can we trade?" he asked meekly.
Scully laughed. "No."
So Mulder came out dressed in his extremely cool clothing. Scully took one look at him and fell over laughing. "Come on, we're stuck here all night, lets go through the rest of the bags."
Almost in tears with laughter, Scully joined him by the bags. They dug through the second one. "Cheese souflee scented body splash, ooh!" Scully cried, pulling a small bottle out. "My favorite!"
She began to spray Mulder and herself with it. "We smell like Squeeze New York," she reminded him. Soon, the whole bathroom smelled like cheese. Mulder reached into the bag and pulled out a pogo stick. "Neat! I always wanted one of those as a kid. I never got to use one, they always looked so cool."
"I can use them," Scully said.
"Show me?" he begged.
"No," she said sharply, reaching into the bag again. She pulled out a long strand of Christmas lights. "What the hell?" she asked. "It's January!" She then noted the 50% Off!!!! sign. "Who the hell would wait until January to buy Christmas lights because they're on sale?" she asked.
She got no reply. "Mulder?" she called. "Mulder!" She turned around to see him lying on his back on the floor sucking his thumb. "MULDER!" she screamed.
Quickly he sat up. "I don't know," he said innocently.
Scully rolled her eyes and threw the chain of lights at him. He reached over and plugged them in before tossing them over some stalls. Now the room had a Christmasy glow.
"Water guns," Scully said, pulling a pink water gun and a green water gun out of the bag. Mulder scampered over and grabbed them from her, then scampered to the sink. Scully looked at what he was wearing and started to laugh so hard she closed her eyes. Suddenly, she was sprayed with a stream of water, and she screamed. She jumped up and swiftly tackled Mulder to the floor, grabbed the gun away and sprayed it up his nose. Mulder groped over and pulled a plastic fireman hat from the bag and put it on Scully's head before pushing her off of him. He reached over to the bag and found it empty. "Phooey!"
"Phooey?"
"Phooey."
"Here, there's another bag," Scully reminded him, adjusting the hat and reaching into the third bag. She pulled out a receipt from a store called Afterthoughts. "Blue alien ass," she read.
"Where?" Mulder shrieked girlishly, ripping it away and reading it for himself. "Wow!" he breathed. "Alien ass...*blue* alien ass...the girls bathroom is so cool!"
"Yeah, you just keep telling yourself that," she said, finding the bag empty except for the reciept. Disgusted, she tossed the bag out of her way and went on to bag number four.
"Body glitter," she said thoughtfully. While Mulder had fun with the blue alien ass, she stood up and applied some glitter to her cheek bones. "Not bad," she mused to herself, dipping her finger in the goo and smearing it in Mulders hair. The loser didn't even notice.
Scully was busy admiring her sparkles when Mulder pulled a teddy out of the bag. He whistled. "Hey, Scully, I found your new outfit!"
Expecting to see a gay Halloween costume, she turned around. Then when she saw Mulder was holding the teddy, she asked, "Mulder, you really want to wear that? I don't think it will fit around the chest."
"Ha ha, very funny," Mulder said, sticking his tounge out at her.
"Don't stick your tounge out unless you're gonna use it," she said absently.
Mulder froze, his tounge hanging out of his mouth. "Whaa?" he asked, his tounge muffling his words.
"Oops," Scully said, winking at him and turning around, laughing to herself as she heard him sputter. She reached into the bag again and produced a long red candle and a long black candle. She read the tags. "Burn these candles around the one you love to make him or her fall madly in love with you. Oooh, Mulder, I think it's a sign."
Mulder was still sitting there with his tounge hanging out of his mouth and did not reply, just stared at her. Scully then produced a pack of matches and gasped at the irony. "Gee wilikers, I think I'll light some candles," she said, placing them on the diaper changing thingy and lighting them. Mulder began to have small convulsions as she coaxed him to take the next item out of the bag.
Somehow, he managed to get his tounge back in his mouth and reached into the bag. He produced a bag of make-up. "Clinique," he said.
"Make-over time!" Scully sang out happily. "Can I do your make-up?"
"No!" he yelled. "I'm not a girl!"
"But you'd look sooo sexy," she said.
His tounge itched to stick out again. "Okay," he said uncertainly.
So Scully gave him a make-up job, and when she was done, she called him a hoar . "Hee hee, Mulder looks like a tramp!" she cried as he stood up to look in the mirror. Disgusted, he wiped it all off.
"Sexy my ass," he muttered.
"Yes, you have a sexy ass," Scully whispered back, but he thought he imagined it. She was having great fun leading him on like that.
She went back over to the bag and pulled a tiara. "Look, Mulder, a tiara!" she cried, placing it on his head.
"I look stupid," he whined.
"You mean with the tiara?"
"Yes."
"You look stupid without the tiara. For Christs sake, you're wearing a thong bikini bottom."
He didn't speak again, just noted the light patterns the tiara threw on the glowing toilet wall. He reached over to find the bag empty, so he went onto the next one. He pulled out two bottles of Vodka. "Cool," he said. "Want one?"
"Sure," Scully said, catching the bottle. Both of them downed the whole thing and started to sway. Scully resisted the urge to jump him and scream, "I LOVE YOU, MAN!", feeling extremely drunk and spastic. Dizzily, she pulled a pair of fishnet stockings out of the bag and began to laugh hysterically. "Put...these...on!" she shrieked between laughing.
"You sound like a sea otter," Mulder slurred, which made her laugh harder. She fell to the ground and landed with a crash, screaming, "BAAAA!!" She was making odd, gutteral noises every time she tried to inhale. Mulder put the stockings on, but forgot to take the thong off first, which made Scully laugh even harder.
Mulder reached into the last bag and pulled out a bumper sticker that said "Suck This!" While Scully rolled around laughing drunkly, he slapped it on her shirt. She burped, and then laughed even harder. "You don't drink much, do you?" he asked, promptly falling on his ass.
"NO!" she screamed in a laugh. Then she looked down at her shirt, saw the sticker and fell back down, laughing.
When she finally stopped, Mulder was tossing balloons and confetti around like a fairy. While his head was turned, she pulled a polaroid camera out of the bag and snapped a picture of him. He grabbed the camera away and took one of her. They went back and forth, laughing, being drunk and taking pictures of each other. "I'm bored," Scully said suddenly, chucking the camera back into the bag and sitting on a shiny, blue tricycle that was sitting in the corner. She began to ride it around the bathroom and said, "Wanna play truth or dare?"
"Sure, fine, whatever," Mulder replied.
Scully fell off the tricycle. "Truth or dare?"
"The truth is out dare," he said.
"You loser," Scully said, disgusted. "You ass-goblin. I want your monkeys! Truth or dare?"
"Truth"
"If Spender ass-raped you, what would you do?"
Mulder sat open-mouthed, amazed at what alcohol did to his partner. He decided that next time he was with her, he'd give her more and see what happened. "I'd ah...ass-rape him right back with my handy dandy gun.
"Which one?" Scully shrieked, falling over laughing again.
Mulder replied by saying, "You have an extremely odd laugh."
She burped again and reinstated her squealy laugh. "Eieieieieieieiei," she appeared to be screaming at him as she laughed.
Then she looked down at her shirt and noticed the sticker again. "Suck this," she said, then looked up at Mulder. They stared at each other for about 11 minutes and 21 seconds. "You look like a fairy," Scully said quietly.
"You look like a drunk-ass penguin," Mulder replied quietly.
"I LOVE YOU, MAN!" Scully shrieked, bursting into tears and falling under the sink.
"Do you want me to eat your liver? Will that cure you?" he asked dizzily. Before he knew what had happened, Scully jumped on him, pushed him down and kissed him.
11 Hours Later
A.D. Walter Sergei Skinner burst into the girls bathroom. "Agents!" he screamed.
Mulder and Scully looked up, thankful that the pink sequined hula skirt was covering their naked bodies. They had been curled up asleep in the corner of the bathroom. Skinner was busy smashing his head against the wall, wondering why the hell it took so long, and why the hell *he* had to witness it. "An angry mob originating in Italy got word of you two in here from two Hot Topic employees. The tabloids and the channel 21 news are on their way over here. Get your asses dressed and then get the hell out of here," he said.
He turned his head while they dressed. He looked back to see Scully in a shirt that said "Porn Star" and her normal black dress pants. All she had been wearing before was a tiara, and it was still caught in her hair. Mulder wore his shirt, tie and jacket, but wore Scully's hula skirt and a pair of roller skates, which was all he had had on before. Skinner was thuroughly disusted and threw up into the sink before closing the bathroom door and walking out.
A Week Later
Jessie and Fiona were twins, boredly standing in the supermarket line while their mother, Mrs. Bus, bought some twizzle sticks, Gatorade, Sprite and Smartfood. Fiona picked up a tabloid called, "The Ali-Shanuz" and started to laugh as she opened to an article. "Jessie, get a load of this!" she cried.
The girls stared at the pictures of the two people dressed up in strange clothing in a bathroom, then read about how the toilets had glowed and how two people had some incredibly kinky sex and then somehow escaped without a trace.
"That's pretty sad," Jessie said, disgusted.
Fiona paused and made a face. "Jessie...the man was on roller skates in a bikini."
"Ew."
"Nark nark," Fiona agreed, throwing the paper down as they walked out.
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