How The Toaster Came To Be
by Krystyn Poe
There was once a time when the Kitchen was incomplete, even though no one knew it quite yet. The people of the Kitchen ate bread baked from the grains they grew, but plain bread was an awfully dull diet and the people soon grew bored with it. To make the bread more interesting, they put many things on it, like butter, jam, eggs, and they even made sandwiches. While this made the bread enjoyable, there just seemed to be something missing.
So the people asked their gods to send them ways to make their food better. The gods took pity on the people and their food crisis, so they sent appliances, such as stoves, ovens, blenders, and coffeepots. The humans were very grateful for their gifts, but they got too ambitious. They tried to imitate the gods and ended up creating the microwave.
Now, at first the microwave appeared to be a good thing, but soon the situation grew sour. The people began to use the microwave more and more, reaching the point where they depended on it for everything, and even started to forget their gods and worship it instead. When the microwave broke down, all the people of the Kitchen went into a panic. They didn’t know what to do without their precious invention to guide them. As time went on the microwave gained more and more control over the people until they were practically his slaves. Add to this the fact that the microwave didn’t hold the secret to good bread and you have some mighty unhappy people.
So once again, those few people who remembered the gods went to them and begged for help. At first, the gods refused; why should they help the people who abandoned them for a man-made creation? But as the people began to weep in despair because the gods wouldn’t help them, the gods softened a bit and looked more carefully into the people’s situation. They realized that by freeing the people from the influence of the evil microwave they would not only save the people, but also let themselves be known.
Now, the gods knew that it would take the utmost time and care to create something to free the Kitchen from the clutches of the evil microwave, and as they realized just how powerful the microwave had become, they knew only another god could stop him. So they put their hearts and souls into this project and were rewarded with a bright and shiny bundle of joy, which they placed into the form of a beautiful golden Toaster.
So the gods sent their beloved Toaster down to the Kitchen. At first, the people couldn’t believe that this small, shiny appliance was going to save them. Then they looked into Her slots and saw the red hot glowing power of the Toaster. After that look there was no doubt in their hearts that She would be the one to save them from the microwave. So a mob of people gathered around the Toaster and marched to where the microwave sat on his throne, setting Her before him.
“Ho! What have we here? A sacrifice for me?” the microwave rumbled.
“Not a sacrifice for you,” the Toaster’s melodious voice sounded. “I was sent from the gods to punish you for what you have done to their people. Step down or I shall have to force you to.” She finished calmly.
The microwave was not very happy with this turn of events, to put it mildly. How dare some silly little appliance he had never seen before question his power? He started to glow red with anger.
“How dare you defy me!” He boomed, “I am the one and only God and protector of the Kitchen! Bow and prepare to be sacrificed, weakling.” he concluded, roaring mad.
The people of the Kitchen gathered around the microwave and the Toaster, anxious to see the outcome of this battle. They prayed silently that the gods had indeed been correct in sending this Toaster to save them. Their entire future depended on the Toaster…and they would not be let down. The Toaster, much to the amazement of all parties present, started to float in the air, surrounded by a bluish aura of power. The aura grew brighter and brighter until the people had to turn away for fear of losing their sight. The Toaster then tipped Her slots towards the microwave. The microwave, already surprised and a little fearful about what the Toaster had done so far, suddenly became very nervous about what was coming next.
Out of the Toaster’s slots came a wave of intense heat accompanied by a brilliant beam of red light, which melted the microwave into a mass of burning plastic pulp. The people cheered and the gods smiled.
So why then do we have microwaves today if they were destroyed so long ago? The gods later realized that the Toaster goddess had merely destroyed the microwave, not the blueprints. Knowing that someday the microwave would reappear, all of the gods turned themselves into silver Toasters after the golden Toaster was lost to the human race. Every time one of our Toasters breaks down, the god or goddess that was in it leaves and enters another Toaster. Why, you ask? So that they can keep an eye out for any signs that the new generation of microwaves might exhibit that would point to them taking a step back towards world domination.
As for the bread problem, some little child of the Kitchen dropped a piece of bread into the golden Toaster by mistake and when it popped up, there was toast, and toast was exactly what the people had been looking for all along.
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