Morning Lark
"thought you'd be looking for the next in line to love and then igore/put out and put away/and so you'd soon be leaving me/alone like i'm supposed to be/tonight, tomorrow, and everyday/there's nothing here that you'll miss/i can guarantee you this/is a cloud of smoke/trying to occupy space/what a fucking joke/what a fucking joke/i waited for a bus to separate the two of us and take me off, far away from you/cos my feelings never change a bit/i always feel like shit/i don't know why i guess that i/just do/you once talked to me about love/and you painted of/a never never land/i could have gone to that place/but i didn't understand/i didn't understand/i didn't understand."
-I Didn't Understand by Elliott Smith-
do you know how much i love you? i do. every time i drive the needle into me, every time the candle stings and then burns, every time the metal bites my flesh, i remember. i remember those feelings. i've tried so hard to hide them. i know you don't want me to love you like that. just friends, you said. just dandy, i said. but you tell me you love me while you're talking about the girl you fucked last night; you talk about your bitches as you softly stroke my hair.
i wonder sometimes if you believe in my facade. if you understand that every time i talk to you, every time my eyes drift over your features, it's a lie. all the changes i've made, to my appearance and my personality and my existence, you were blind to. i guess i'm just not going to make it.
once we danced. to elliott smith; in the moonlight at night and you said my hair looked like it was on fire. i would have sworn you were going to kiss me as you leaned down to hug me, but i was wrong. of course i was. we danced and laughed and talked and sang. we stayed up all night commenting on our similarities, how we should have been siblings, on what good friends we were. you spilled out all the names of the ones you've loved, and my heart broke off another piece for every one. you asked me who i was interested in, and i had to play the part again, with a little shrug, a little laugh, and a soft "no one." i had to take the joking, i had to feel my heart tug a little bit each time it whispered "Tell him!" but of course i couldn't.
we danced until the sun came up and we heard the morning lark singing. we were tired and sweaty but i wouldn't have gone to bed for the world. i would have died to have that night, to smell your skin against mine, to hear your laugh and see your smile, to feel your arms around me and to know that i was the only one you were thinking about for that short period of time. i was your world.
i swear that i'm not all bad. i'm not all hate. if you just knew the love i have.... the tears i cry... the things i write... the words i say... if you just knew, you'd understand. but this silly one doesn't let the love get out... doesn't show the tears... leaves her words unread and unheard. if you just knew, you'd understand. but you'll never know.
-sulkingblackstar-
© 1999, by Rebecca Renee Vallerand
