i’m thinking of you again
i’m thinking of lots of other things i so often think about
i think of us and death
my death
but not really the death
just the causes
the self- inflictive causes
the causes i think about
i think about that
and i think about you
and how you thought about me
and then those causes again
those harmful causes
those causes that hurt me
but more mentally than the physical
although it’s the scars that show all the pain
the pain i put myself through
but never noticed
or did
that’s a question i still ask myself
and think about
too much
or too little
and then i think about you
you and everything you say and do
and even the things you don’t
those are the things i just imagine
when i think of you
i never thought you really thought of me
but you do
you did
you “thought a lot”
and then that made me think
of what i said or did to make you think
thinking that you thought of me made me nervous
sad, happy, shaken, depressed, glad, upset-
or better yet confused
and lost
very lost
people that hurt themselves are usually confused
and those hurtful injuries only make you more confused
i know
because i thought about that very carefully
and very long
i should have let those wounds heal
and not have created anymore
but i did
create more hurtful wounds
because i couldn’t stop
even though we both thought that was bad
but i still did it
those wounds were still created
and one day i created too many.
© by Cheri J. Michaud 1997
