In The Words Of A

(© by ZBL, 1999, and much thanks to him for designing the logo for me)

The Following Works Are All Property of Rebecca Renee Vallerand, © 1999-2001

The Little Slaps

Mad Love

Modern Peace

Figures In The Ashes

Crash

4:26

Desecrated Whore

Untitled #1

Melted

Deep Dives

The Truth (In A Thousand Words Or Less)

Turn The Page
was i so different?
I died for this originality
i died for these losses and gains
you saw my smiles
but you never felt my pains

every time i saw you 
another piece of me was killed 
and in this spirit 
i thank you for everything 
for nothing 
for all the things i had 
and lost 

and another flame blown out that night 
another light lost to the dark 
and if you turn the page 
i disappear 
from existence in your life 
how absolutely perfectly convenient for you 

another day will pass 
and another page will turn 
and to think 
i died for this 
	originality 
	anonymity 
i'm the bad one, the nightmare you fought 
this, the girl you forgot 
and yet 
i never forgot you 
your existence remains true 
to me 
so it seems 
wake up baby 
i'll be alright 
dream well tonight 
(just turn the page and 
i disappear)

another calendar day gone 
but not in my mind 
i'll never let you forget 
and yet 
what was it you did?
Or was it what you didn't do?
I never forget, i never go on 
but you do 
your existence remains true 

i died for this 
	originality 
	anonymity 
i died 
you lied 
and lived 


© 1999, by RRV 

just real

every time i see you my head goes blank
your smile could make me pass out
but no matter how i look at you
you don't notice my whispers or shouts
just seeing your face could brighten my life
right next to me really is so far away
i try to read the words you write
i try to hear the words you say
but i don't know where you're coming from
you're one person i just can't understand
your smile is so bright to hide some pain
but the memory is one you've banned.
and it's not fair of me to love you
it's not fair because i don't know who you are
it's been 63 hours since i saw your face
and i have no light without you as my star.
i think you'd die if you ever knew
that i had such sentimental thoughts about you
i don't think you'd believe i'm capable of that
you think i'm some woman who's made of steel
but the dismal reality is that i'm more human than most
the stellar truth is that i'm unfortunately real
i can't save the universe; i can't save myself
what good am i to you if i am no good to me?
how am i supposed to help you be yourself
when i don't know who i want to be?
and it's these questions that keep me from taking a shot
it's these questions that won't let me look you in the eye
and i don't want to sit here and wait for you to feel like me
i don't want to sit here to wait and cry.
and if i could tell you how i feel,
i wouldn't hesitate at all
if i thought you'd be indifferent
or if i thought into love you'd fall.
but you'd laugh, you'd jest
and i don't think i could stand
hearing that laughter
worse than feeling the back of your hand.
and so i sit here and write this for you and for me
because my love is something you'll never feel
but i want you to remember who i am
and i want you to remember that i am real.

for G
© 1999, by Rebecca Renee Vallerand

headway

hi there
just thought i'd drop you a line
been a while
thought you might like to know
how things are
they tell me you're doing
alright
hey, i really think that's great
they tell me you're getting better
every day
i sure hope it's true
some of the bruises you gave me
haven't quite healed yet
but i hope you're doing okay
i bot over what went down
with a little bit of help


every once in a while there's a flashback
but they're coming less often now
my psychiatrist says i'm making headway
how about yours?
i know you're doing great
we'll have lunch when we get out
we'll talk about the good old days
before the fights and the bruises in the morning
before my broken bones
i don't have any will will to you
just thought you'd like to know what's going on with me
maybe with good behavior
you'll only be in for a few more months
after all, you only almost killed me
8 to 12 months is plenty of time for rehabilitation
i wouldn't want to put you through any unneeded stress
i know you're under enough already
i'm almost starting to feel safe without sunglasses
no more black eyes to hide
less and less now come those bad dog feelings
i think that's pretty good (don't you?)
i still take up at night expecting to feel your hand grab me
when i try to get up but i'm getting better
less paranoia, less fear of darkened rooms
i'm not afraid of shadows anymore so come back soon
so it can start
all
over
again

© 1999, by Rebecca Renee Vallerand

Shocking Revelations

"consequences
ha
i laugh in the face of consequences"
and i almost believed him.
i almost thought that he was invincible
and now, almost two years later
i still think about how
shocking
it is that when the bullet hit his chest
he fell.
that when the bullet hit his chest,
even most importantly,
he died.
and in the papers he became
just another statistic
and out of everyone's mind
he fell
but me, no, not me.
i still think about him and the
shock
that i felt the day i found out.
because i remember, i remember it so clearly.
the day before he said that when he died
(and who knew it would be so soon?)
he wouldn't go to heaven
he would stick around
and now every once in a while i think that maybe
he's sticking around
that maybe
he's still here.
so every once in a while i stop what i'm doing
just to say hi to thin air.
because i believe he's around
i believe that he laughed in the face of consequence
and i think that death was a consequence
he never even stopped to think twice about.
he was never one to conform to the rules so
he's sticking around to make sure that i
that we
don't forget to live dangerously
every once in a while because, like he said,
you only come around once.

for Bruce McClellan, Jr.
© 1999, by Rebecca Renee Vallerand

Endless Possibilities

Part 1

I could see my words hit you like a stinging slap
and I felt your mind draw further away.
Inwardly I began to beat myself
for this new mistake I had made,
for this new piece of evidence I introduced
against me
in this farcical trial of life.
You the jury have already formed your opinion
you already believe your beliefs
and I
I can't change your mind.

Part 2

But what if there was no past?
What if I could change?
what if I could change the past
and change myself --

Would you care?

What if nothing had happened?
What if we had never met?
What if you had no recollection
of all the terrible things I did to you --

Would anything change?

there are endless possibilities that
if I could change the past
I would wish to happen.
If I could cast a spell
and take it back
take back all that hurt I inflicted on you
If I was magic and I had some sort of way to
go back in time
I would.
If i could help warm these realities that are so cold
I would
but the truth hurts and
I couldn't do any of this.

© 1999, by Rebecca Renee Vallerand

Personal Armageddon

It wasn't a rainy day
when we parted company.
It was a warm and sunny day in July.
I remember the sun scorching the boiling tears
that fell from my unwilling eyes
as I walked away proudly with my head
held high and my back
to your face. The storm was all in my mind.
The rain was falling in my head,
the lightning was flashing in my eyes.
The thunder was the unspeakable things I shouted
into your face before I left.
I am so not under control.
the street I walk on is silent and
I can't even hear myself think. I hope
I am not thinking, and if I am
I don't want to know what I think. I don't want
to know anything, to think anything. I
can't believe waht happened here that day. Today
the sky is overcast and cloudy,
omniscent in some way vaguely comforting to me
that at least someone understands my pain.
the wind is beginning to lash at the trees and I see you
through your window
staring at me staring at you,
at the place where we ended it all.
The wind is full force now, and the rain is like hail,
smashing my face like a thousand tiny needles
ripping into my veins, trying to get my blood. The
lightning is beginning to flash
and it's reflected in my eyes;
the thunder is so loud it drowns out my screaming brain,
screaming for someone to fix what's wrong,
so painfully, obviously wrong. The noise is blissfully
silent. I wish I didn't have the capabilities to understand
what happened here and what I lost the day I walked away.
I feel so dangerous.
I feel like something is going to happen,
as I'm walking to my death,
and it's finally here. I sit down on the sidewalk,
waiting to be blown away by the wind as I was mentally
blown away that day, the day we let go.

© 1999, by Rebecca Renee Vallerand

Weightless Wishes

Really,
we are only insects in
the grand scheme of this.
A blink of an eye to earth
(who hates us anyway)
an ant beneath her shoe.
It's all the same.
None of us really care
for each other
and the oint gets lost
int he cards.
Our species is too human
to understand.
We only live in this planet
to trash it
and when it dies
in ten million years
who cares?
We'll be long gone
(pray reincarnation doesn't exist).
Someday sex will become
too upsetting,
too violent,
and people will not partake.
One day our species will give up.
Humans play by words
because they don't mean a thing
and the words can shield the honesty
of emotions.
Our species will not survive.
No surprise.
No big deal.
Our flames used to number many but our breath
has blown them out
and now they number few.
We're going down the tubes,
rolling down the hill.
I got this book the other night and I can't put it down
it's me
exactly
and it's so frightening sometimes
I cry.
I never wanted to be understood
I never wanted anyone to care
but the author did. I think he died.
I feel so inadequate in the grand scheme
of this that sometimes
I cry.
I never wanted to be understood or loved
I wanted to be different
but it turns out I'm not
and instead I'm just like all the rest.
What a let down.
It makes me hate this even more and
I pray for the end to come
swiftly and painlessly
but in the grand scheme of this
I never really mattered
and my wishes hold no weight.

© 1999, by Rebecca Renee Vallerand