Yes I know I haven’t written in months. I have no good excuses, I have no real explanation. I just seem to be uninspired, immobile, unable to care about anything, unable to accomplish anything without being pushed.

I tend to believe that if there weren’t people in my life who have expectations of me and who continually push me to act, I’d be sitting on the sofa. Never moving at all.

Which isn’t to say that I haven’t been doing a lot of that. I have. I just don’t seem to be able to follow through on things or finish what I start.

And I don’t have any idea why.

If anyone were to have me write one of those "How I spent my summer vacation" essays, I’d have to hand them a blank page.

I’ve spent it doing nothing.

I’ve attempted to start all sorts of things:

I’ve started at least six different books, and have only finished one.

I’ve bought several new CDs and haven’t even opened the packages.

I’ve bought lots of new stamps and supplies and haven’t made a thing. I can’t even find half of the stuff that I bought.

I some of these things were bought in late May.

I’ve again made an attempt to figure out the best way to organize the second bedroom so I can have a place to store all the crafting supplies. I got the furniture set up, the file cabinets emptied and things boxed for storage (that was old stuff that had to do with the theater productions that I directed). I threw away all sorts of outdated catalogues and school type things that I know I’ll never have a use for.

I even sent five bags of old clothes to the St. Vincent de Paul society.

Sounds really productive doesn’t it?

Then it came time to do the fine-tuning and organizing of the small stuff and I just stopped.

I can’t find a way to manage it, so I’ve left it all in a heap. I have boxes that need to be brought to the car and then to storage, and they sit in the living room.

It looks like delivery day at the Salvation Army.

And I hate myself for this.

I do think that I am going through some sort of a depression. I’m immobile, eating only crummy food, and watching too much Home and Garden television. Or spending too much time on the computer playing Snood or surfing sites.

It’s really appalling.

But I don’t know how to stop it and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it.

When it comes to being Team Manager of the chorus, I think I’m doing a good job. I have great follow through, run a good meeting, field all sorts of phone calls and seem to be keeping the peace in the group.

We have a big event coming up this Tuesday night, Christmas in July. There’s a nice (and long) article in the local paper today. I’m quoted all over the place (even in the internal headlines). I feel semi-famous.

I’m pleased that at least that part of life is going well.

I’ve also been really good with my mother. Calling her daily, taking her shopping, and taking her to other appointments.

I haven’t even planned to go away at all. I don’t even really want to go to NYC, which is so not like me.

I think it’s partly because I went in April and saw all the shows that I wanted to see. There’s nothing left that I absolutely have to go to.

I know I should go somewhere, because when school starts on August 27th, I’ll be disgusted with myself for not having done anything. But I just don’t have the energy to pull it together.

I have the money, but not the desire. I don’t think that I’ve ever been in that position before!

So here is at least one entry.

Will I write again tomorrow? I don’t know. I’d like to try to get back into the habit, to make myself be thoughtful and creative, but I don’t know if I have it in me.

I guess all I can say is, I’ll try.