June 3
Trying to catch up



I have so much catching up to do in every part of my life. I don’t even know where to start or what to focus on. I get started on a project (like dusting) then go to put something away, get sidetracked, and never manage to finish the dusting.

It’s making me crazy that I can’t focus and just finish SOMETHING.

The laundry is piled so high that I’m going to need a full day at the laundromat. And Lord knows how much I love the thoughts of that!



I think part of the problem is that I have to do things that occupy my mind, not just chores. I need to keep myself from thinking, because when I think I get unbearably sad.

I know that it’s perfectly o.k. to be sad, but I also know that this is not something that I’m going to crawl out of when it hits. I’ll need to have a couple of days with no commitments, no family, no friends, and just the chance to be alone with my grief. I’m ugly when I cry so I know that I need to be able to not have to face anyone for a full day if I’m going to let go. My eyes swell shut.

I have to say that I am feeling bad today, probably the worst I’ve felt since all this started. I have these small weepy moments, but I do manage to pull myself out of them before they overtake me totally.



I’m also distracted by the third Harry Potter book. I like this one a lot and I made the mistake of starting it when I woke up at six this morning and didn’t want to get out of bed. (I’m still not sleeping, obviously.) For some reason this one has captured me and I keep sneaking time to read it when I should be doing something productive.

I need to know if Gryffindor will win the Quidditch title. I also have to know who sent Harry the Firebolt. I do like the images that this author paints. Even though the dementors are evil, I think that it’s an interesting image and is similar to what people can be like in real life. There are a lot of folks out there who get their enjoyment from sucking the joy out of others. I also like the lesson of how to change a boggart into something less frightening, looking at your worst fear and laughing at it.

I can’t wait for the fourth book to come out.



Today is Michael’s birthday. I called to wish him a happy day, but he wasn’t home. This is the first year that I haven’t sent him a card or a silly box of gifts. I know part of it has to do with everything that has been going on in my life lately, but I also think that a part of it is the hurt I felt when he didn’t even bother to wish me a happy day when it was my birthday.

How childish is that?



I brought home a report that needs to be written this weekend. Why do I think that it won’t get done?



Listening to: Don Henley

Reading: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azakaban

Weather: sunny, 68

Trivia:Where are spider webs used as fishing nets?

Natives of New Guinea, a lush tropical island north of Australia, use the webs of giant Nephila orb spiders as fishing nets. The spiders that make these webs are among the largest arachnids in the world, able to trap and eat small birds. Their bite is very painful, but usually does not kill. Fishermen in Polynesia use the webs of a closely related spider as fishing line. Their golden orb weaver fishing lines can haul in single catches big enough to feed several people. The webs of Nephila spiders are beautiful marvels of natural design. Cast across human-size or larger gaps, they form a slightly tilted bull's eye, often with a vertical design made out of the remains of prey.

Cool word: muckraker [n. MUCK-rayk-er]

Muckraker is a name that was applied to U.S. journalists who tried to expose abuses of power or instances of corruption in the early 20th century. Near synonyms include mudslinger and disparager. The very first muckraker was a farmer with the unpleasant duty of raking dung. In 1684, a character in John Bunyan's Pilgrim's Progress was so intent on his muckraking that he did not look up to see a celestial crown held above him. Theodore Roosevelt in 1906 made reference to this character when describing journalists of the day and their quest to dig up dirt on people. Roosevelt didn't mean to use muckraker kindly but the crusading reporters adopted it as a badge of their social concern and courageous exposition. Muckraking as a movement lost support by 1912 but even today reporters who search out and publicly exposes the real or apparent misconduct of a prominent individual or business may refer to themselves as muckrakers.
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I went to an online Tarot reading site. This is what it had to say:

Tarot Oracle

1. Past Or Basis Of The Matter

By considering what is behind the question, you develop a sense of where you are in the on-going process, instead of isolating the present from the rest of your life.

THE STAR

Focus on faith in your future and in yourself. You have a vivid dream life that informs you about your spiritual energies. You have calmly accepted the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual facets of your life. You enter another quiet period in which you can contemplate the inner life without any particular goal in mind. You are aware of the cyclical energy of the universe and you seek meaning in everything you do. Like the cycles of the seasons, you have come to a transition that will encourage you to leave the social whirl and re-enter inner space. You begin your winter like a sleepy bear, with a brief dormancy while seeds awaken.

2. Near Future

If things continue the way they are going now, this is the direction you can expect events to take.

THE CHARIOT

You have self-assurance and a place in the world. You might think you are above error, but that is where you are wrong. Enjoy the recognition that comes your way while avoiding smug self-satisfaction. As a gate is necessary to the function of a wall, so is discrimination necessary for mastering your will. Although the exercise of higher values is not necessary to every success, lasting attainment is hinged upon it. Avoid becoming Superman or Superwoman. Instead take action that is based upon sound judgment and reasonable expectations of the outcome. Gain recognition in this way.

3. Outcome

You have the power to choose your future. This card shows the direction events will tend to go if you take no action.

THE MAGICIAN

You see the possibilities in everything and turn them into action easily. You evaluate conditions, consider emotional factors, and predict results. But you are successful because you act decisively. You have all the tools at hand for progress. Use them, make the effort. Through persistence comes achievement. Take action as though you know what you are doing, because you will. It may not be logical, but in this case you can rush in where the wise fear to tread.